Sexless Marriages

[tnh_06]

Something else of late. Marriage has been sexless. Not new. But I have retired now, after ten years doing a job, I hated. But the plus side is everything is paid off. We have no debt. I am a trained Classical musician and would like to return to playing. I mentioned this and it was not met well by her. I just want to play. I am thinking she doesn't want to be alone in the house. All this training, decades of playing and practicing. Now I am expected to sit and watch reruns? I have a problem with this. Anyone have suggestions?

I am afraid that asking a bunch of frustrated, sex deprived men may not result in the best advice. Most of us will tell you screw it, do what makes you happy, which may, or may not, be good advice. Maybe professional counseling would be a more appropriate option.

 

[PapaRomantic]

Hi guys, i am actually so sad reading all these.. i honestly feel terrible!!

You feel so terrible, and yet you show it by posting these pictures of yourself? How is that supposed to help the ones in this thread who are suffering?

Please go away...

 

[SuperUser1]

Something else of late. Marriage has been sexless. Not new. But I have retired now, after ten years doing a job, I hated. But the plus side is everything is paid off. We have no debt. I am a trained Classical musician and would like to return to playing. I mentioned this and it was not met well by her. I just want to play. I am thinking she doesn't want to be alone in the house. All this training, decades of playing and practicing. Now I am expected to sit and watch reruns? I have a problem with this. Anyone have suggestions?

I've been in a sexless marriage for a long time. 49th anniversary this year and I turn 71. I still love my wife but I also know that I can't change her mind. I still want intimacy in my life but it's not readily available! I've been retired for nine years and know one thing, you HAVE to have interests otherwise you'll just waste away. You have a musical talent so enjoy it. Be assertive and maybe try and encourage your wife to find something she likes. Don't forget, the door slams shut after this phase of your life, no coming back. Good luck to you!

 

[Tweedledude]

I've been in a sexless marriage for a long time. 49th anniversary this year and I turn 71. I still love my wife but I also know that I can't change her mind. I still want intimacy in my life but it's not readily available! I've been retired for nine years and know one thing, you HAVE to have interests otherwise you'll just waste away. You have a musical talent so enjoy it. Be assertive and maybe try and encourage your wife to find something she likes. Don't forget, the door slams shut after this phase of your life, no coming back. Good luck to you!

Same Same same 67 and rowing the same boat.

 

[stephen88]

I've been in a sexless marriage for a long time. 49th anniversary this year and I turn 71. I still love my wife but I also know that I can't change her mind. I still want intimacy in my life but it's not readily available! I've been retired for nine years and know one thing, you HAVE to have interests otherwise you'll just waste away. You have a musical talent so enjoy it. Be assertive and maybe try and encourage your wife to find something she likes. Don't forget, the door slams shut after this phase of your life, no coming back. Good luck to you!

Thank you for your words.

 

[Drummersi]

Has anyone actually had the conversation with their wives about how to move forward. I did once with my wife. I told her how I felt and that I'd never pressure into having sex if she didn't want to, but that she also had to understand that I still want to be sexually active. We had the whole can i sleep with someone else chat and she was worried that an emotional attachment might form, which is a valid concern. I love my wife and I get where she's coming from, but she needs to trust me in this. Until she says she does I continue to remain really frustrated.

 

[Tweedledude]

Has anyone actually had the conversation with their wives about how to move forward. I did once with my wife. I told her how I felt and that I'd never pressure into having sex if she didn't want to, but that she also had to understand that I still want to be sexually active. We had the whole can i sleep with someone else chat and she was worried that an emotional attachment might form, which is a valid concern. I love my wife and I get where she's coming from, but she needs to trust me in this. Until she says she does I continue to remain really frustrated.

Yup been there done that "she insists that i should feel the same way she does"... BS

 

[stephen88]

Yes, I have had this conversation several times in the last few years, and on multiple occasions. Having a physical relationship with another is out of the question. I made vows and she expects me to abide by them. She insists that she loves me still and deeply. I must be patient as she tries to work through the physical issues. And yet, there is no headway here. In my heart and mind, I don't believe that there will be. I have had physical problems myself. Yet, I fight through them, make, and keep myself healthy. I feel great. I am active, physically, and mentally. Retirement is the best thing ever for me. It has allowed me to return to my music. (Which I gave up to make more money, at her request.) Yes, there is bitterness there. Which she knows. I did it for the greater good of our lives together and to no longer have debt. We are there and now I have retired. I have not been able to get her to admit this, but I think she has just "given up." Content to stay home and watch tv. I have made it abundantly clear; I am not ready for that. This said, when I wish to go do things, I am met with resistance from her.

 

[PapaRomantic]

This said, when I wish to go do things, I am met with resistance from her.

What is it that you want to go do that she resists? Why don't you do it anyway? I don't think you're ever going to have a sexual relationship with her again because it seems like her mind is made up. So why should she steal ALL of your joy? If there are things you can go do that make you happy, GO DO THEM! You deserve to have things to enjoy during your retirement.

 

[nsa3006]

Something else of late. Marriage has been sexless. Not new. But I have retired now, after ten years doing a job, I hated. But the plus side is everything is paid off. We have no debt. I am a trained Classical musician and would like to return to playing. I mentioned this and it was not met well by her. I just want to play. I am thinking she doesn't want to be alone in the house. All this training, decades of playing and practicing. Now I am expected to sit and watch reruns? I have a problem with this. Anyone have suggestions?

You only live once.. you worked hard your life.. you are at the stage in your where you should be enjoying it.. do what you want to do..

 

[stephen88]

I believe she wants me to stay at home and watch her sit. She would never say that. But it is what I believe. I have been in contact with the local musical society. We shall see. Thank you all for your advice. It is genuinely nice to be able to talk about this.

 

[Tweedledude]

Sometimes It feels like I'm just existing. After 45 years of experiencing the standard elements of marital confusion in regards to intimacy ie confusion, anger, disappointment and finally bitter resentment. Ive finally just have to let go or risk some form of emotional "damage".

So I'm trying to expand my own existence through friends, children and grandchildren.

I can't say that if some exceptionally extraordinary woman crossed my path and gave me great reason to believe that she found me worthwhile, enjoyable and just plain fun to be around that I wouldn't indulge. However my experience has left me somewhat sceptical that such a person exists. I've paid attention to my friends marriages and the comments that pass between the married individuals and it makes me believe my experience is the norm.

I still believe that marriage can be exceptional I guess I'm a hopeless romantic but i can't say I have observed it directly myself or In my friends and associates marriages.

Sad isn't it?

 

[runtandmore]

Just a thought for you guys - when a woman ages sometimes her bladder moves down pressing on the uterus making it painful to have sex. If a guy doesn't know this has happened he can't help her have sex
Doesn't seem like a bad idea to ask if she has pain in intercourse. Of course, she may not want your cock in her lol

 

[Cotswolds]

Yes, I have had this conversation several times in the last few years, and on multiple occasions. Having a physical relationship with another is out of the question. I made vows and she expects me to abide by them. She insists that she loves me still and deeply. I must be patient as she tries to work through the physical issues. And yet, there is no headway here. In my heart and mind, I don't believe that there will be. I have had physical problems myself. Yet, I fight through them, make, and keep myself healthy. I feel great. I am active, physically, and mentally. Retirement is the best thing ever for me. It has allowed me to return to my music. (Which I gave up to make more money, at her request.) Yes, there is bitterness there. Which she knows. I did it for the greater good of our lives together and to no longer have debt. We are there and now I have retired. I have not been able to get her to admit this, but I think she has just "given up." Content to stay home and watch tv. I have made it abundantly clear; I am not ready for that. This said, when I wish to go do things, I am met with resistance from her.

Stephen,

It makes me very sad to read this.

The lack of sex in your relationship is one thing (I think the potential reasons for this are plentiful)

But to expect you to sacrifice doing something in your retirement, that would bring you such joy, is wholly unacceptable. You've said that you made vows that would prevent you from seeking other relationships outside your marriage (which is commendable). Did your wife not also take vows to support you in any way possible?

Go and play music my friend, hopefully it will fill some of the void that a sexless marriage brings.

 

[stephen88]

Sometimes It feels like I'm just existing. After 45 years of experiencing the standard elements of marital confusion in regards to intimacy ie confusion, anger, disappointment and finally bitter resentment. Ive finally just have to let go or risk some form of emotional "damage".

So I'm trying to expand my own existence through friends, children and grandchildren.

I can't say that if some exceptionally extraordinary woman crossed my path and gave me great reason to believe that she found me worthwhile, enjoyable and just plain fun to be around that I wouldn't indulge. However my experience has left me somewhat sceptical that such a person exists. I've paid attention to my friends marriages and the comments that pass between the married individuals and it makes me believe my experience is the norm.

I still believe that marriage can be exceptional I guess I'm a hopeless romantic but i can't say I have observed it directly myself or In my friends and associates marriages.

Sad isn't it?

Sad indeed. I am also a hopeless romantic. Currently, I am experiencing resentment. Anger is beginning to surface. Thus far, I have managed to stay under control. I don't like the idea of losing it. I too, have seen friends divorce and move on. Some happily, others, not so much. I remain conflicted. Until I resolve this in my mind. I am destined to be frustrated. I appreciate your comments. I find it comforting to know that I am not alone.

 

[Tweedledude]

Sad indeed. I am also a hopeless romantic. Currently, I am experiencing resentment. Anger is beginning to surface. Thus far, I have managed to stay under control. I don't like the idea of losing it. I too, have seen friends divorce and move on. Some happily, others, not so much. I remain conflicted. Until I resolve this in my mind. I am destined to be frustrated. I appreciate your comments. I find it comforting to know that I am not alone.

I understand and hopefully you find resources and mechanisms to find meaning in the situation. It's not pleasant for sure. Generally speaking it feels like someone close to us died.

 

[PapaRomantic]

Just a thought for you guys - when a woman ages sometimes her bladder moves down pressing on the uterus making it painful to have sex. If a guy doesn't know this has happened he can't help her have sex
Doesn't seem like a bad idea to ask if she has pain in intercourse. Of course, she may not want your cock in her lol

I think if you would read through the entire thread, you'd see that in many cases it's the loss of intimacy that is accompanying the loss of sexual activity that is the bigger problem. A spouse who doesn't want sex can still love and cuddle and do the non-sexual things they've always done. I understand when a spouse has a medical condition that creates painful sex. That shouldn't curtail non-sexual moments of intimacy.

 

[curl4ever]

I think if you would read through the entire thread, you'd see that in many cases it's the loss of intimacy that is accompanying the loss of sexual activity that is the bigger problem. A spouse who doesn't want sex can still love and cuddle and do the non-sexual things they've always done. I understand when a spouse has a medical condition that creates painful sex. That shouldn't curtail non-sexual moments of intimacy.

This.

Issues with vaginal penetration are a fact of life that just happen. Doesn’t change the fact that there are medical professionals who could be consulted. Doesn’t change the fact that hands and mouth could still be employed for sexual bonding. Doesn’t change the fact that ordinary affection could still be employed for emotional bonding.

 

[runtandmore]

I think if you would read through the entire thread, you'd see that in many cases it's the loss of intimacy that is accompanying the loss of sexual activity that is the bigger problem. A spouse who doesn't want sex can still love and cuddle and do the non-sexual things they've always done. I understand when a spouse has a medical condition that creates painful sex. That shouldn't curtail non-sexual moments of intimacy.

true enough but perhaps when the wife does not talk about why she doesn't want it the guy just goes off seeking porn.
not judging cause I like porn so i'm all in for masturbating

 

[stephen88]

Had a discussion with her about our lack of intimacy. She went into her current physical difficulties. Medical care is involved. I understand all of this. For several months, she has made the statement, "When I get better." Okay, I can wait and be patient. She had a couple of drinks in her the other night. I inquired about the prognosis. She flatly admitted that she would not get better. It is a chronic condition. The first time she has said this. I have dwelled on this for several days now. Several other Lit posters have mentioned "other possibilities" hands, mouths, etc. She doesn't like those options. So, at this point. I am convinced it is done. We live in the same house. That's it. She has her room. I have mine.

 

[Tweedledude]

Had a discussion with her about our lack of intimacy. She went into her current physical difficulties. Medical care is involved. I understand all of this. For several months, she has made the statement, "When I get better." Okay, I can wait and be patient. She had a couple of drinks in her the other night. I inquired about the prognosis. She flatly admitted that she would not get better. It is a chronic condition. The first time she has said this. I have dwelled on this for several days now. Several other Lit posters have mentioned "other possibilities" hands, mouths, etc. She doesn't like those options. So, at this point. I am convinced it is done. We live in the same house. That's it. She has her room. I have mine.

Very sad.... Very common.... Same here

 

[stephen88]

I have a question. How do some of you handle the bitterness and resentment? I'm struggling with this. A part of me is angry with myself. She deserves better than my resentment, but it remains. I get out of the house when possible. Just wondering.

 

[Fudbuck57]

Something else of late. Marriage has been sexless. Not new. But I have retired now, after ten years doing a job, I hated. But the plus side is everything is paid off. We have no debt. I am a trained Classical musician and would like to return to playing. I mentioned this and it was not met well by her. I just want to play. I am thinking she doesn't want to be alone in the house. All this training, decades of playing and practicing. Now I am expected to sit and watch reruns? I have a problem with this. Anyone have suggestions?

We are sexless also but we do our own things she has a hiking group and I have a garage band and we enjoy doing things together just not sex. If you want to play your music you better go and do it and have her find something to occupy her time while your away. If you sit around and do nothing you will be dead before you know it.

 

[LustyScribe]

I have a question. How do some of you handle the bitterness and resentment? I'm struggling with this. A part of me is angry with myself. She deserves better than my resentment, but it remains. I get out of the house when possible. Just wondering.

I have a question for you. You say "She deserves better than my resentment..."
Why? Why does she deserve better? I'm genuinely interested in your thoughts; that's not meant to be a trite question.

My wife has "promised" efforts - therapy, books, toys, erotica - but never do I see more than a brief token effort, and lately not even that. No effort, nothing but quicker and quicker rejection. I do things to "speak" her love languages, but she makes NONE. So now I'm at a point where I really feel she doesn't deserve a damn thing from me. That's not an easy thing for me, because I am a giver, a pleaser, but at this point, she deserves NO consideration. I don't know if that makes me an asshole or if I'm just further down this lonely road. (60 y.o., 40 year marriage.)

 

[Tweedledude]

I have a question for you. You say "She deserves better than my resentment..."
Why? Why does she deserve better? I'm genuinely interested in your thoughts; that's not meant to be a trite question.

My wife has "promised" efforts - therapy, books, toys, erotica - but never do I see more than a brief token effort, and lately not even that. No effort, nothing but quicker and quicker rejection. I do things to "speak" her love languages, but she makes NONE. So now I'm at a point where I really feel she doesn't deserve a damn thing from me. That's not an easy thing for me, because I am a giver, a pleaser, but at this point, she deserves NO consideration. I don't know if that makes me an asshole or if I'm just further down this lonely road. (60 y.o., 40 year marriage.)

Sad....i find the discussion here very much reflects all the feelings hurt and anger that I and many people experience. First there was confusion then disappointment, anger and now my good friend resentment. Gadfry....