Sexless Marriages

[stephen88]

I have a question for you. You say "She deserves better than my resentment..."
Why? Why does she deserve better? I'm genuinely interested in your thoughts; that's not meant to be a trite question.

My wife has "promised" efforts - therapy, books, toys, erotica - but never do I see more than a brief token effort, and lately not even that. No effort, nothing but quicker and quicker rejection. I do things to "speak" her love languages, but she makes NONE. So now I'm at a point where I really feel she doesn't deserve a damn thing from me. That's not an easy thing for me, because I am a giver, a pleaser, but at this point, she deserves NO consideration. I don't know if that makes me an asshole or if I'm just further down this lonely road. (60 y.o., 40 year marriage.)

We have a long history together. We've both worked long and hard to provide for our children and build a life. Her efforts have been great, as have mine. It was never a 50/50 relationship. Sometimes, it was 80/20, or 40/60, depending on the needs of the moment. Due to the length of our relationship, and the work put forth by us both, this is why I don't feel she deserves resentment. And yet, it is there. Like you, I put forth effort into the romantic language. It is met with, "I can't do that.", or "I don't feel like it." Once, she just turned and walked away. I understand this is something I am going to resolve in my own mind. I feel as though I am swiftly becoming the "Caretaker". We know what happens to them at times. They die first. I have since contacted the local musical society here in town. There are several organizations to choose from. So then, we shall see what is said when I am absent from the house.

 

[stephen88]

An addendum to my last post. I took her to the chiropractor yesterday. She is unable to drive due to numbness and leg pain. So, I am now a chauffeur. It is my understanding that these visits are to realign the spine and hips. Hence to alleviate some of the pain. The visit did not take long at all. However, she spent the rest of the day camping on the sofa. Afraid to move lest she hurts something. I was disheartened. The rest of the afternoon and evening found me cleaning the house, cooking dinner, and cleaning up afterwards. She made the same comment last evening she had made before. "Tomorrow, I will be better." Not having visited a chiropractor, I have no frame of reference. The bright spot of my day though was this. The outside temperature was in the sixties. I aired up the tires on my bicycle and got in a 40-minute ride. 10km for distance. Just the sun and the wind. It was a nice escape. We shall see what today brings. She was up for a time this morning. Coughing as though she had pneumonia or COPD. Mercifully, she returned to bed. For now, I have quiet and my music. Classical.

 

[Sgquick]

I am totally in a sexless marriage and have been pretty much for a few years! We’re out there but we are a bit like unicorns

I am a woman in her 50’s with the sex drive of an 18 yr old boy, that’s not normal I’ve been told by female friends the same age and male friends. I should be settling down for my old age with my hormones dying a slow death, but hell no!

I’m 60 and in a sexless marriage for about 8 years. I have a FWB that visits twice a year with her husband. She sneaks away and I eat pussy like a hungry man. Wish there were horny older women in my age group

 

[stephen88]

The saga continues. She has decided to apply for disability and unemployment. While the rest of us understand that to receive unemployment, you must apply for jobs. They don't just give it to you. Also, you must prove you have a disability with doctors and a history. They don't just give it to you because you say so. Here again. We all know this. But it came as a complete shock to my wife. You can't sit and watch tv all day and play on your phone. The money doesn't magically fall from the sky. A trained Registered Nurse with decades of administrative experience. A trained observer, able to diagnose and make life critical decisions. Is now unable to figure out what needs to be done, how to file, how to apply for anything, can't figure out email, can't do many administrative tasks that she once did. A small seed is beginning to grow in my mind. Is she acting? Or is there something else going on? Her mother showed signs of mental instability a decade before her passing. The nights are becoming sleepless for me. She sleeps a great deal. I am working to care for her and the house. But I am dubious about the future. I watched my father-in-Law care for his wife. Watched as it wore him down, day after day. He passed some five years before his wife. Is this now what awaits me? I apologize for bemoaning my fate here. But I have no one else to turn to. I still have my health, my espresso, and my music. Have a great day.

 

[pleasedoit4me]

A sexless marriage is why i jerk off everyday

 

[stephen88]

A sexless marriage is why i jerk off everyday

I am glad for you.

 

[pleasedoit4me]

I am glad for you.

I am not glad..... I wish I had some passion and intimacy.

 

[stephen88]

I am not glad..... I wish I had some passion and intimacy.

My apologies. I wish you the best.

 

[hatteras68]

So my marriage isn’t completely sexless but it doesn’t happen very often. She can’t get in the mood, says she never thinks about sex, never masturbates. She tells me she could easily go without ever getting off again. So I come here and try to talk to others and get a little relief. I do give her credit she does try to get excited but it just doesn’t work. Yesterday we tried a vibe then when that didn’t work I went down on her still no excitement. But sometimes either one of those will work just never know.

 

[stephen88]

I admire that you both continue to try. And, that she is willing. I have made some overtures in the last couple of weeks. But to no avail. Keep it up. I hope you find relief and some fun with her.

 

[Bioldermwm]

My wife went thru menopause and now I am stuck pleasing myself. Retired and in Nashville TN area and wish I could find someone to meet up with regularly

 

[stephen88]

A question please. For those of you enduring sexless marriages. Does your mate watch everything you do, ask where you are going, want to know who you talk with? But there is no interest in what I do around the house. I feel as though she may be trying to limit my contact with the outside world. This said, here I am on Lit. , spilling my guts Do you suppose she is afraid I will find someone else? Speculation on my part.

 

[razor33a]

A question please. For those of you enduring sexless marriages. Does your mate watch everything you do, ask where you are going, want to know who you talk with? But there is no interest in what I do around the house. I feel as though she may be trying to limit my contact with the outside world. This said, here I am on Lit. , spilling my guts Do you suppose she is afraid I will find someone else? Speculation on my part.

Mine doesn't monitor my outside activities but doesn't care about what i do in the house. Its ok to have a separation in the house but not outside of it? Maybe a fear that if i start spending more time away it leads to an eventul break since there's not much inside to keep me here

 

[stephen88]

Not much to keep you there. Yes, I understand your point of view. I at times ponder why I am still here. The relationship is waning in my estimation. She tells me daily that she loves me. And yet.

Mercifully, it is becoming warmer here. This for me means outside activities, bike riding, gardening, archery, and the like. She has never participated in these interests of mine. However, I wait for the phrase. "Why are you outside all the time? Are you avoiding me?" I've heard in the past when I was working full time and playing a lot of shows in the evening. We shall see. Other fun things. My dreams/ nightmares are awash with images and events of women in my past. Waking occasionally in a state of arousal. A quiet relief was in order, but not what I wanted.
As Billy Joel wrote..............
"And so it goes..........."

 

[urbangentleman]

true enough but perhaps when the wife does not talk about why she doesn't want it the guy just goes off seeking porn.
not judging cause I like porn so i'm all in for masturbating

Your pics are inspiring for self care!

 

[stephen88]

Hello my friends. The sage continues. As some of you may be aware. In the USA, when you lose health insurance coverage, you are required to take COBRA coverage. The monthly premium for her is quite high. I suggested that as we are paying for this, she should visit her doctor to see what maybe done for her. This was met with a haughty and gruff response from her. "It's my decision." Translation, no, I'm not doing it. And the money continues to leak from our account to no purpose. I am at my wits end. There is depression and denial on her account. It is pointless to argue. A friend suggested hormone replacement therapy for her. I have not broached that subject.

And so then, we remain sexless and now at odds. What more?? This begins to be a dark comedy and an endless spiral downward. There is no laughing. Only extended silence.

 

[AngieGZC]

Just wondering if there are any women in this group thread? I have just skimmed but I’ve not seen any posts from a woman x

That's a shame...

 

[Darkfantasy20]

That's a shame...

Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall

 

[PersonalFavors]

Hello my friends. The sage continues. As some of you may be aware. In the USA, when you lose health insurance coverage, you are required to take COBRA coverage. The monthly premium for her is quite high. I suggested that as we are paying for this, she should visit her doctor to see what maybe done for her. This was met with a haughty and gruff response from her. "It's my decision." Translation, no, I'm not doing it. And the money continues to leak from our account to no purpose. I am at my wits end. There is depression and denial on her account. It is pointless to argue. A friend suggested hormone replacement therapy for her. I have not broached that subject.

And so then, we remain sexless and now at odds. What more?? This begins to be a dark comedy and an endless spiral downward. There is no laughing. Only extended silence.

You are not required to take COBRA. It is expensive but a good deal. Unless you research within your state. Locate your state exchange and test the system with the amount of income (AGI) you will show for the year. In Virginia for example 21,000 is the sweet spot. The highest subsidy from the gov to pay the premium and the choices you have for coverage are the best at this amount. The subsidy max in this state is $796 or so per month. The hard part is not having income greater less than 21K. The subsidy decreases rapidly in either direction. This year I found a policy with no deductible and very low co-pays. At about 173 per month I am not totally afraid to use the policy. The deductible is lower than the 1700 that was on my COBRA HSA at about 750 a month. To make the 21000 limit I drew from a retirement account as I am over 59.5. Problem was the dividends and interest I had to pay a substantial amount for the insurance premium as my income was higher than the 21k. On this year I found this policy stating 21,000 income. If I stated 33k or 0 the policy was not listed as an option I could choose. Very complicated process. To walk me through I used the number on the COBRA notice. Called them and got very informed assistance specific to my state and more on a state that I would like to move to.
US insurance was severely damaged by the obama pelosi debacle. So damaged it is far from getting fixed. The insurance companies all went public and have more say than the government on what they will cover. It is still better than Canada. And experience with health care in Mexico and Thailand theirs is so low cost insurance was almost unnecessary.

 

[expertlinguist]

You are not required to take COBRA. It is expensive but a good deal. Unless you research within your state. Locate your state exchange and test the system with the amount of income (AGI) you will show for the year. In Virginia for example 21,000 is the sweet spot. The highest subsidy from the gov to pay the premium and the choices you have for coverage are the best at this amount. The subsidy max in this state is $796 or so per month. The hard part is not having income greater less than 21K. The subsidy decreases rapidly in either direction. This year I found a policy with no deductible and very low co-pays. At about 173 per month I am not totally afraid to use the policy. The deductible is lower than the 1700 that was on my COBRA HSA at about 750 a month. To make the 21000 limit I drew from a retirement account as I am over 59.5. Problem was the dividends and interest I had to pay a substantial amount for the insurance premium as my income was higher than the 21k. On this year I found this policy stating 21,000 income. If I stated 33k or 0 the policy was not listed as an option I could choose. Very complicated process. To walk me through I used the number on the COBRA notice. Called them and got very informed assistance specific to my state and more on a state that I would like to move to.
US insurance was severely damaged by the obama pelosi debacle. So damaged it is far from getting fixed. The insurance companies all went public and have more say than the government on what they will cover. It is still better than Canada. And experience with health care in Mexico and Thailand theirs is so low cost insurance was almost unnecessary.

I still can't believe how the richest country in the world doesn't have free health care!

 

[AngieGZC]

I still can't believe how the richest country in the world doesn't have free health care!

Because the richest country in the world is floating everyone else's free health care.

 

[Darkfantasy20]

I still can't believe how the richest country in the world doesn't have free health care!

TANSTAAFL

 

[Ciceri]

I'm in a sexless marriage because I'm not sexually attracted to women

 

[Whynotyeahwhynot]

Then why did you marry a woman.

 

[Hopeful1972]

Personally, I despise that my marriage has become sexless (once a year for three years). Despite my keeping on shape, attempting to be romantic, caring and thoughtful.
Yet having it described as "not important", grates my gears.