Sexless Marriages

[CuriousCat89]

Thanks for saying, everybody else just tells me I crazy.
I agree with you I think it's unfair of her to but it's not how her mind works.
Nice to hear someone else say they don't agree with her, means a lot thank you.

it’s entirely possible she no longer is IN love with you. She probably loves you just not romantically.

 

[Mtnmike]

it’s entirely possible she no longer is IN love with you. She probably loves you just not romantically.

That's exactly what she admitted to me after year's of trying to get her to be honest with me, she love's me just not in that way, her exact words. That's when I was finally able to work on myself and come to terms with it, that's all I ever wanted, honesty but extremely hard for her to express her feelings, unless it's anger .

 

[CuriousCat89]

That's exactly what she admitted to me after year's of trying to get her to be honest with me, she love's me just not in that way, her exact words. That's when I was finally able to work on myself and come to terms with it, that's all I ever wanted, honesty but extremely hard for her to express her feelings, unless it's anger .

Sounds like you have it figured out then!

 

[Mtnmike]

Sounds like you have it figured out then!

I think I have least I hope .
Thanks for your interest and chatting about it, mostly just get rude messages or being told what I need to do, as if they were in my shoe's

 

[Hampshiregirl]

Interesting thread. I am a bisexual woman who's been married for 30 years to a wonderful man. For the last eight years our marriage has been sexless, with very limited, although not zero intimacy. I get depressed thinking that I'll never have sex again (I'm 64) but I would never cheat. Or would I? (I'm in the UK). He won't consider it, but I probably would succumb to the first man, or girl, that asked me. Especially if I was drunk! When you're my age, the opportunities are very limited.

My point? There's a lot of us out there, and the universe is a less happy place than it could be.

HG xx.

 

[Mtnmike]

Interesting thread. I am a bisexual woman who's been married for 30 years to a wonderful man. For the last eight years our marriage has been sexless, with very limited, although not zero intimacy. I get depressed thinking that I'll never have sex again (I'm 64) but I would never cheat. Or would I? (I'm in the UK). He won't consider it, but I probably would succumb to the first man, or girl, that asked me. Especially if I was drunk! When you're my age, the opportunities are very limited.

My point? There's a lot of us out there, and the universe is a less happy place than it could be.

HG xx.

We are in the same age group and understand and agree with your post, except I live in the USA.
So true as we age at least I do I start thinking was that it will I never experience the connection ever again.
Also true that there would be a good chance that if someone else showed interest I'd be hard pressed to refuse.
I often wonder about other couple's when I'm out and about, are they really as happy as they seem .

 

[Hampshiregirl]

So true. Many people, including some that I know, like to give the impression that they are active and sexually satisfied. I suspect a lot of that is for show. I believe that, in reality, many couples' libido is wildly mismatched. I know ours is. HG xx.

 

[Mtnmike]

So true. Many people, including some that I know, like to give the impression that they are active and sexually satisfied. I suspect a lot of that is for show. I believe that, in reality, many couples' libido is wildly mismatched. I know ours is. HG xx.

Yes that's true I just never realized how mismatched ours was, the old saying Thinking with the Wrong Head .

 

[Polranny25]

So true. Many people, including some that I know, like to give the impression that they are active and sexually satisfied. I suspect a lot of that is for show. I believe that, in reality, many couples' libido is wildly mismatched. I know ours is. HG xx.

and/or wildly exaggerated

 

[CuriousCat89]

So true. Many people, including some that I know, like to give the impression that they are active and sexually satisfied. I suspect a lot of that is for show. I believe that, in reality, many couples' libido is wildly mismatched. I know ours is. HG xx.

Or - hear me out - people’s libidos change. Children, work stress, illness, body changes, these all changes person’s desires. A LOT of men don’t understand women’s body changes and even more don’t understand how the invisible labor of being a spouse and parent impacts libido and attraction. I think the idea that people go into marriage as a bait and switch isn’t that common.

 

[MD_Man385]

Jumping in late here. Been at least 15 years now. A year after we got married we discovered she was deep into kidney failure. That's when her drive started to die. Managed to stay off dialysis for 2 years before they finally let go. Those 2 years we went from twice a week to once a month. Once she started at home hemo with nxstage (I had to do a month of training to help her do it at home) any and all intimacy stopped entirely. 7 1/2 years on home hemo then got a living donor trans plant 1 year before covid. Still to this day ZERO form of any kind of intimacy. Trying to find one partner in a similar situation has not gone well. It's not even that I want to do that but I'm not going to live the rest of my life without any form of sex or intimacy. I'm in MD if any ladies happen to be looking for similar. Seems like a needle in a hay stack.

 

[Hampshiregirl]

Or - hear me out - people’s libidos change. Children, work stress, illness, body changes, these all changes person’s desires. A LOT of men don’t understand women’s body changes and even more don’t understand how the invisible labor of being a spouse and parent impacts libido and attraction. I think the idea that people go into marriage as a bait and switch isn’t that common.

Oh completely, I agree. That wasn't really my point, though. I was just observing that people, especially men, are not transparent about their sexless marriage. I know a couple where the husband actively brags about how often they do it, how she's always horny, and so on. I know for a fact that she is really struggling with the menopause, and has zero interest in sex.

It wasn't so much the cause of mismatched libidos that I was commenting on, more the way that some couples give a false impression to everyone. Of course, that also applies to debt, drinking, coercive control and all manner of things inside a relationship. I mean, I write naughty stories on here, but no one outside my house knows that!

HG xx.

 

[CuriousCat89]

Why is he talking about his sex life with friends in mixed company at all?? Weird!!

 

[Hampshiregirl]

Not so much in mixed company, more when the boys have gone to the pub, or on the golf course. I hear it from my husband, you see. Although you're quite right, he is a bit weird.
HG xx.

 

[lyattx2]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

COUNT ME IN TOO FELLAS

 

[Mtnmike]

Not so much in mixed company, more when the boys have gone to the pub, or on the golf course. I hear it from my husband, you see. Although you're quite right, he is a bit weird.
HG xx.

Has most men do when around their buddies and I know women do the same when they are with their gal pals.

 

[Live4themoments]

I think this is fair. It’s entirely possible she is asexual. It’s also entirely possible she thinks you bringing it up is shaming her, in a way, for not wanting it. I think people should approach HRT for more reasons than libido. There are libido meds for women but most doctors don’t know about them.
If you’re happy in most areas, there are other outlets for the sex. Most people can’t stand each other eventually and that’s the bigger hurdle. Best friends is what matters when you’re both in diapers. Or have a terminal illness. And raising a family is an achievement. There are so many other intimacies than penetrative.

Mike & Cat pretty much figured out the problem through discussion, thanks. I agree with your reasoning. The reason I don't bring it up or even try to get her in the mood through asking, suggesting, actions, (or even "gifts") isn't because I want to shame her or make her feel guilty. It's because I do it for myself, I don't want to hear "no, not right now, I'm tired, I have things to do, etc.). I've heard it for many years and each time it frustrates me or puts me in a bad mood. I would rather spare my feelings and not even try.

Interesting things though, once we were out with her best friend and her husband. Somehow conversation turned to how often we have sex a month. Her friend said they have it maybe 4-5 times a month (we are all close to 60), which I was a little surprised. Being smart I refrained from commenting, I looked at my wife and she looked at me. After a few seconds of dead time she said we have sex maybe 2 - 3 times a month, she never kept track. On the drive home I was in a great mood thinking tonight would be the night. I asked her why she said that, she said something like " I dunno, I didn't want to let her know the truth". Truth be told, it's been double digits years since we had sex. I said we can start again, 2 - 3 times a month would be fantastic. She agreed but said not tonight, she was tired and had too much to drink, she will let me know when. Over the weeks I asked again and same answer, so again just gave up.

I know we still love each other through actions. Just in our case I've pretty much accepted that sex doesn't indicate how much we care about each other. And yes, to keep my sanity and in a way self worth, I still enjoy sex.

 

[Mtnmike]

Mike & Cat pretty much figured out the problem through discussion, thanks. I agree with your reasoning. The reason I don't bring it up or even try to get her in the mood through asking, suggesting, actions, (or even "gifts") isn't because I want to shame her or make her feel guilty. It's because I do it for myself, I don't want to hear "no, not right now, I'm tired, I have things to do, etc.). I've heard it for many years and each time it frustrates me or puts me in a bad mood. I would rather spare my feelings and not even try.

Interesting things though, once we were out with her best friend and her husband. Somehow conversation turned to how often we have sex a month. Her friend said they have it maybe 4-5 times a month (we are all close to 60), which I was a little surprised. Being smart I refrained from commenting, I looked at my wife and she looked at me. After a few seconds of dead time she said we have sex maybe 2 - 3 times a month, she never kept track. On the drive home I was in a great mood thinking tonight would be the night. I asked her why she said that, she said something like " I dunno, I didn't want to let her know the truth". Truth be told, it's been double digits years since we had sex. I said we can start again, 2 - 3 times a month would be fantastic. She agreed but said not tonight, she was tired and had too much to drink, she will let me know when. Over the weeks I asked again and same answer, so again just gave up.

I know we still love each other through actions. Just in our case I've pretty much accepted that sex doesn't indicate how much we care about each other. And yes, to keep my sanity and in a way self worth, I still enjoy sex.

Sorry you're going thru this but you are in good company, double digit year's here to and have done the same things you did you just finally give up to save your sanity.

 

[LeeKee]

Is this how it really is now?

Intimacy dies and youre wondering what to do. And there is a industry around this and all give advice to be patient and understanding.

So they continue in the video and say that...


"If you lead with safe, patient and helpful as a strategy to get desire back, it DOESNT rebuild attraction, it trains the relationship into a new normal where intimacy is optional, comfortable and easy to avoid. And it doesn't just kill intimacy, it turns you into a person she appreciates but doesn't reach for. Psychologically, "being patient and understanding" will give her brain permission and justify her to never want you again and what to do instead."

" You cannot talk her back into wanting you."

"The more you push for clarity, or try to earn it or convince her, it will feel like an obligation instead of natural desire. And its not that she doesn't have desire, she just doesn't have desire for you."
(Wow, that part was harsh)

"The husband becomes
- Available but undesireable.
Wifes desire can't be talked back
- can't come back from trying harder
- can't be rebuilt
-can't be earned back
-can't be negotiated back
- being patient will not fix it
- pressure will not fix it"

"If you address it and try to talk about it makes it worse and becomes another problem."


So basically there isnt anything you can do, and its doomed?

 

[Mtnmike]

Is this how it really is now?

Intimacy dies and youre wondering what to do. And there is a industry around this and all give advice to be patient and understanding.

So they continue in the video and say that...


"If you lead with safe, patient and helpful as a strategy to get desire back, it DOESNT rebuild attraction, it trains the relationship into a new normal where intimacy is optional, comfortable and easy to avoid. And it doesn't just kill intimacy, it turns you into a person she appreciates but doesn't reach for. Psychologically, "being patient and understanding" will give her brain permission and justify her to never want you again and what to do instead."

" You cannot talk her back into wanting you."

"The more you push for clarity, or try to earn it or convince her, it will feel like an obligation instead of natural desire. And its not that she doesn't have desire, she just doesn't have desire for you."
(Wow, that part was harsh)

"The husband becomes
- Available but undesireable.
Wifes desire can't be talked back
- can't come back from trying harder
- can't be rebuilt
-can't be earned back
-can't be negotiated back
- being patient will not fix it
- pressure will not fix it"

"If you address it and try to talk about it makes it worse and becomes another problem."


So basically there isnt anything you can do, and its doomed?

Not in a 100% of marriage's but the success rate of having the marriage return to what it was is very low, it takes a lot of work/time for both to want it, without both on board to fixing it very slim chance it'll work out.

 

[Nicefella]

My advice is still valid, even for a woman. Apparently, you have made your choice - - your marriage and financial position is more important than your sexual happiness. Perhaps if your husband loves you as much as you love him, then perhaps he should allow you, (with his blessing), to take a lover. That happens more often with men who suffer from ED than you might think.

As far as shallowness and misogyny in my response, people see what they want to see. It's just my opinion..............

Besides, if a man truly cares about his wife, there are other ways of satisfying her sexually than with an erection!

I do not see any shallowness or misogyny in your response. I completely understand what you said and I believe that your comment was about as neutral as it gets. It’s about choices - what means more to you?

 

[stephen88]

I was treated tirade last evening. The particular tv show we watched portrayed a gentleman that had strayed and was unfaithful. My wife told me in no uncertain terms that if I did that, she would rip me apart. A rather graphic description.

As this particular feed follows. We are in a sexless marriage. By her choice, not mine. I had no say in the matter. Merely informed that we were done. This was some years ago. My desires have not lessened. She remains unreceptive. And with threats of what will happen should I stray.

 

[CuriousCat89]

Sorry to hear she said that. It’s unfair but she probably has no confidence either. Unfortunately, this isn’t a one dimensional issue

 

[Okieguy2026]

38 mwm here, stuck in a sexless marriage. Would love to chat and find a connection with someone!

 

[stephen88]

Sorry to hear she said that. It’s unfair but she probably has no confidence either. Unfortunately, this isn’t a one dimensional issue

Agreed, there is more to this. Yet she is reticent to discuss or work this out. Without some sort of discussion, I'm left with conjecture and just plain guessing. Is she embarrassed by something? Afraid of something? Worried? The lack of communication and/or sharing only deepens the mystery. I tend to remain somewhat stoic through all of this. Life has settled into an uneasy alliance of distance and shallow discussions about the weather and the news. I find it frustrating and have expressed this on a few occasions. I am met with silence, a change of topic, or she leaves the room.