since I'm here.....perhaps I could ask?

[tronada]

Since this is the How-To forum, I figured this might be the best place to ask....

What is the best way to deal with the sudden knowledge that my husband is a fullblown crossdresser?
We have been married for for 15 years now and have 2 great kids. He's kept this secret for the most part the whole time I've known him.
I can't help feeling angry for being lied to for so long. I'm trying to be understanding about it, but the truth is, it totally turns me off. I don't like it at all. The pantie wearing occassionally, I think I could handle that. But to actually put on everything and try to look like a woman, that is just too much for me.
Am I wrong?
I don't feel wrong. Just confused. Totally and massively confused!
If anyone has gone thru a similar experience and can give me some tips on coping with something like this, I would very much appreciate any advice given, as long as you are not too harsh with me.
Thanks!
tronada

 

[EJFan]

wow... that must've really blown your mind when you found out. it sounds like you're really hurt and confused about the whole thing.

aside from the two of you having a very long discussion about this, i'd only say this...

first, is he gay or bi? or is he a straight guy who crossdresses? the sexual implications could have an impact on how you deal with this.

secondly, it sounds as though you truly love your husband, but now you've found out that he's not entirely the same guy you fell in love with. kinks and fetishes should either be shared or at least appreciated/understood by the other partner.

i'd also say that IF there is no recourse, the worst possible thing you could do is stay together "for the children." that's never a good idea. the children can sense the tension in the home even if you're trying your hardest to conceal it. if they figure out that you're staying together primarily for their sake (either consciously or unconsciously) they very well may place the responsibility for teh two of you being unhappy on their own shoulders. point is, if you can't be married, don't fake it.

i hope it doesn't come to that for you though. talk with each other about it and involve a counselor if you think it's necessary.

good luck and best wishes.

 

[zhukov1943]

>>>I don't like it at all. The pantie wearing occassionally, I think I could handle that. But to actually put on everything and try to look like a woman, that is just too much for me.
Am I wrong?

Nope - you have a right to feel however you feel about it.

That having been said, I have absolutely NO idea how you should go about handling this...

Do you think this is just a fun "kink" for him? Or is it a full-blown compulsion?

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

tronada, I'm afraid I have no advice, except from a domme's perspective, but maybe you could try the GLBT forum.

 

[sheath]

Welcome!

This is a good place to ask that question. I agree with RavenSpirit...you might pose it on the GBLT board as well. You can never get too much advice when you are trying to sort out something like this.

I read through your post several times and gave it a lot of thought. I have no idea how I would react to something like that. But I do know this: Whatever your reaction is, however you feel, whatever emotion runs through you, you DESERVE to feel what you feel. Please don't question that. After fifteen years you have been handed a whole new spin on the life you knew, and it has to be one hell of a blow. I can imagine that you will feel every emotion possible over the next few weeks or months. Every single one of them is absolutely FINE.

You have taken a huge step in asking for advice...reaching out like that is a good way to center yourself. I don't think you will find any harshness here.

I'll have more to say, I'm sure, once I wrap my mind around your post and think a little more...

S.

 

[warrior queen]

hi, and welcome, tronada.

wow, have you been dealt a real blow in the whole 'trust' part of your relationship!
this is something that you can't just suddenly deal with - it's a whole new life issue that you have to wrap your head around.

having said that, you should be aware that your SO probably did not intend to decieve you - rather, he was hiding a behaviour that is generally seen as 'deviant' still, and in all likelihood, did not want to hurt you by bringing it into your relationship.
he also probably thought that he could 'control' the urge to cross-dress when he was around you.

on the one hand, he obviously trusts you enough now, to allow you to see this other, hidden side of him.
for you to outright reject his fetish, he might see that as a rejection of him personally so you need to be very careful as to how you respond to this issue.
(men are funny - they seem to think that if you dislike a part of their behaviour, that means you dislike them totally as well.)

how you react to this is entirely up to you, of course, but you need to ask yourself whether this part of him is enough to break your relationship over?
and if not, then i would suggest going to seek some professional assistance - as a couple - in order to help both of you deal with all the new issues this raises within your relationship.

on another note, this is only a small part of what makes him a whole person - he's still the same person you have been with all these years.
the external stuff like cross-dressing, really is no different than if he were to wear a shirt out to dinner in a colour you detest.
it's what's inside that you need to be looking for and evaluating him on.

still, a shock like that, when you aren't expecting it, is enough to make you question yourself and your role in the relationship.
(but remember, it's not about something YOU didn't provide... it's about something HE never told you he wanted.)
you need to help him redefine HIS role, and this is all assuming you want to work to keep the whole thing together despite this new issue.

whichever way you decide, i hope that this does not in any way make you feel that you have been inadequate within your relationship, because that would be a mistake.
it's about him, and him alone - NOT about something you did or didn't do that might have made him that way.
remember that.

 

[thickspear]

I think you're looking for..

I think you're looking for understanding. Honestly though this site is likely to give you a smorgasborg of responses that may or may not be insightful or helpful.

I think this is a good time for a professionals help. Someone who understands the issue and knows how to talk to him where he's not defensive and can help you understand too. And once you're convinced you really do understand his behavior, including the secrecy and the sense of betrayal you'll at least be able to raise your concerns and make decisions in the proper context.

You should understand from here that there are many men...and women..with secrets in their lives and they're not bad because of them...it's a tough world to find acceptance for this particular need..right ?

ts

 

[SensualCealy]

Re: I think you're looking for..

I think you're looking for understanding. Honestly though this site is likely to give you a smorgasborg of responses that may or may not be insightful or helpful.

I think this is a good time for a professionals help. Someone who understands the issue and knows how to talk to him where he's not defensive and can help you understand too. And once you're convinced you really do understand his behavior, you'll at least be able to raise your concerns and make decisions in the proper context.

You should understand from here that there are many men...and women..with secrets in their lives and they're not bad because of them...it's a tough world to find acceptance for this particular need..right ?

ts

I would think what she is going through is the fact that she has been lied to for 15+years.

Its much easier to accept and to make a decision when you dont have as much time or effort invested or kids for that matter.

Dealing with someones preferences can be an adjustment when they are being honest, but throwing in all the other emotions on top of it.... dont get me started- speaking from experience here!
Cealy

ps look in your inbox for a pm

 

[ReadyOne]

You feel he lied to you.

I assume it was a lie of omission; you never thought to ask "Are you a cross-dresser" and he never said "I am not a cross-dresser".

I also assume he wasn't hiding it as one might hide an affair where you need to create lies to cover your tracks or was withholding something from you (other than the knowlege of his fetish).

For example, was he making all the time making excuses to get out to the longurie store alone? Was he wacking off in nylons before you went to bed, therefore making himself not able to perform with you?

1. Not to trivialize, but there have to be a few things you don't know about him. Did he have 3 best friends at his 5 year old birthday party? Did he get hit on the first time he went to a bar? Does he lay face down against the sheets when he mastrubates?

Think of things that have slipped through the cracks.

There are certainly things that one should volunteer, but would it be OK if he considered it something that wasn't important? Maybe he just considered it something personal and something you probably wouldn't ever be involved by, like the way he mastrubates.

2. Also, there are parts of people's past or present they don't delibertly share even though thier spouse should/would support them.

For example, many people who were abused by a family member hide the fact because they are ashamed or think they can get beyond it in a relationship. Then something happens to expose the situtation, and it is both a shock and revelation to the one about how and why the other has been behaving.

So....

Perhaps if you can accept the cross dressing as something he thought did not need to be brought up, you won't be so mad at him.

Also, try and separate you personal prejudice against cross-dressers from the situtation. You may actually be translating you anger against cross-dressors (like homophobia) into anger against him.

Love him as a person and please give him every break you can. See it as being concerned for your welfare, which is a good real world way of practicing his love for you.

 

[Weird Harold]

I can't help feeling angry for being lied to for so long. I'm trying to be understanding about it, but the truth is, it totally turns me off. I don't like it at all. The pantie wearing occassionally, I think I could handle that. But to actually put on everything and try to look like a woman, that is just too much for me.
Am I wrong?

Nope, you're not "wrong," you're just human.

Thickspear reccomended counseling, and I'd concur with that as the best option. You need some help in seperating the anger over his having a "secret life" from the way you feel about the cross-dressing.

The GLBT forum may help with understanding his need for cross-dressing. Searchig the web for as much information as you can get on cross-dressing and the psychology of transvestitism.

Once you get a handle on the anger over the "Lie" and begin to understand this new aspect of your husband, you'll be able to make a reasoned decision on what to do about it.

Who knows? Youmight find that once you deal with the keeping secrets issue you might find that having a "Girls Night Out" with your husband is something you enjoy.

 

[dollface007]

There have been a lot of people here suggesting that you should go to the LGBT forum, which is a good suggestion. However, I want to make it clear that the average male crossdresser is heterosexual, married, and has children. I guess my point is, don't freak out on him TOO much. He was wrong to keep this a secret, but this is probably not an issue of his sexual preference or of his wanting to completely change his gender.

http://www.gendercentre.org.au/crossdressing.htm

 

[Debbie]

I haven't been through this but have thought about it.

It wouldn't upset me in the least. Except for one thing - that he felt he couldn't confide in me right from the beginning.

Was he lying or felt that he might risk losing you if he spoke up? Society doesn't make it easy to be who we are. Most of us conform and some feel they have to keep things secret because it is 'wrong.'

I can understand the confusion, shock etc.

But if you love him? He's just wearing ladies clothing. He isn't cheating on you or doing anything truly horrible.

I would talk to him. Listen and share how you are feeling. Try to understand why he cross dresses and see how you feel about him after a few lengthy conversations. He isn't a freak. Maybe it's a turn on for him. I mean the feel of silk upon your skin feels nice right?

You won't know till you talk to him properly if this will affect your relationship at all.

Some guys just like dressing up, others want to cross dress 24/7.

Good luck to both of you on this journey.

 

[tronada]

I had written out this really long reply to everyone but for some reason it didn't go thru. Sorry.
I'll be back later to try again. Right now I'm very muddled and shaky. I need a break before I try to get all that down again.
Thanks to everyone who responded. You're all very sweet for reaching out!

tronada

 

[Weird Harold]

Was he lying or felt that he might risk losing you if he spoke up? Society doesn't make it easy to be who we are. Most of us conform and some feel they have to keep things secret because it is 'wrong.'

This is a key point that tronada (or anyone in this situation) needs to consider.

If she divorces him over this, doesn't that mean his concern about losing her if she knew justified?

Is he really a different person now than he has been for the last fifteen years? Or does she just "see" him differently.

 

[millieteases]

Lots of issues here, lots of good advice. Counselling sounds like a good idea - there's lots of anger in your note, and not all of it revolves around the trust issue - which is a real big issue after 15 years - for both of you.

Hope the following helps -

My spouse crossdresses for several reasons. It began as curiousity - he has no sisters and parents for whom sexuality was not a topic to be discussed. He began crossdressing because he eroticized female underwear - it made him horny to touch feel wear and masturbate with panties and bras and other garments.

Later in life it evolved - since he was pretty shy and reserved, attended an all male high school, and lived in a family where these issues never came up - he never really had friends who were women - just girlfriends. Dressing in women's clothes - in his mind anyway - gave him more understanding about what it was to be a woman. After reading plenty of stuff about how uncomfortable things were or weren't, about skirts vs. trousers (he grew up when women wearing pantsuits was revolutionary) he just wanted to know more and understand it from a personal point of view.

Another part of it was exploring all the things that make him who he is - the crossdressing kind of exploring his feminine side as it were. Remember, he's straight - he's had not homosexual experiences and considers any ideas he's had about having sex with another man as the least-likely fantasy to ever be acted out - because he's not sure if he's really interested or just gets horny and at those times will consider just about anything.

Now, he has never gone out in public dressed as a woman, although he has worn female undergarments under his regular clothes.

Mainly, for him, it is erotic, with all this other stuff thrown in.

So that's my two cents. You two need to do a lot of talking and, more importantly, listening, to each other. An open-minded counselor seems to me to be a great idea for helping get those discussions started.

Good luck

Millie (not teasing so much this time)

 

[wicked woman]

Millie thanks so much for sharing. Gave me a new perspective on cd. God I love Lit

 

[tronada]

lots to think about.......

Wow, I am totally stunned by all these responses. And I see the rationality and intelligent thought in every one of them.
We have talked naturally. I am not so cold and heartless that I would hear this admission and run away screaming. And though I was very emotional, I don't think I was too harsh on him. I did cry alot.
After the first few talks we had, I found myself , at odd moments, inexplicably filled with rage. So many things from the past made sense now, even if I didn't understand completely.
There is not room enough here to tell all the things we have been through in 15 years. A severely premature 1st baby, financial hard times, family squabbles, losing close loved ones, problems with both of our health, cheating, and many many other things.
But always, always, when I sat down and thought about what I really wanted to do, I could never see him as not being a part of my life, a vital part.
Maybe that's what hurts so much. I really felt like he was the last person I could depend on. And now this. Every time I think things are finally turning out ok, it all goes to hell. I just don't want my kids to get all screwed up because of what we screwed up adults do. I had enough of that in my childhood. He doesn't say much about his.

I'm sorry. I need a break. Back soon!

tronada

 

[wicked woman]

Re: lots to think about.......

Originally posted by tronada
Wow, I am totally stunned by all these responses. And I see the rationality and intelligent thought in every one of them.
We have talked naturally. I am not so cold and heartless that I would hear this admission and run away screaming. And though I was very emotional, I don't think I was too harsh on him. I did cry alot.
After the first few talks we had, I found myself , at odd moments, inexplicably filled with rage. So many things from the past made sense now, even if I didn't understand completely.
There is not room enough here to tell all the things we have been through in 15 years. A severely premature 1st baby, financial hard times, family squabbles, losing close loved ones, problems with both of our health, cheating, and many many other things.
But always, always, when I sat down and thought about what I really wanted to do, I could never see him as not being a part of my life, a vital part.
Maybe that's what hurts so much. I really felt like he was the last person I could depend on. And now this. Every time I think things are finally turning out ok, it all goes to hell. I just don't want my kids to get all screwed up because of what we screwed up adults do. I had enough of that in my childhood. He doesn't say much about his.

I'm sorry. I need a break. Back soon!

tronada

((((tronada))))

 

[Metal_Monkey]

I can't offer advice from experience, but I can offer observations.

It seems that the issue of CD is so severe because it affects how we perceive ourselves sexually. If your husband wears a skirt, does that mean you're not good enough in bed? No. On the surface of it all, your husband could have been sheltering a much worse secret. CD is not like murder, or theft. It's not like he didn't tell you he had herpes. Wearing a skirt pales in comparison. But that issue of personal sexuality, and the concept of "being enough" makes a man wearing a skirt more than it is.

If he kept the secret for 15 years, then he must be feeling the same shattered feelings you are. This is a piece of him he didn't want exposed, so there's betrayal, and shame, and embarassment, and hurt on his side, too. There is also the issue of rejection - while you fear he may have rejected part of you, no doubt he also fears your rejection of him.

I don't know the circumstances of the discovery, and I don't know the reasons for his crossdressing. Other posters have given many different motivations for CD. The worst case scenario might include a sex change, or gender reassignment. Many marriages don't survive.

But that may not be what your husband wants. He may just like the feel of women's lingerie; wearing women's clothing might be uniquely erotic to him. Perhaps he has no desire to act like a woman, live like a woman... He just wants to dress like one sometimes.

If you love eachother, and your husband wants to be your husband, then my advice is to consider this for what it is - a hobby. If he collected hotrods would you care? Would you always be in the garage cataloging every piston, nut and bolt? Would you be cutting the girls out of his hotrod magazines? Probably not. Give him a corner of the closet, or a chest of drawers, so he indulge in his hobby without stretching out your best dresses. It is reasonable to ask him to CD when you're not around. His "hotrods" belong in the garage, not the kitchen, you know? And this isn't a sleepover - you don't have to giggle together over lacey underwear, or make shopping dates at Dillard's, unless you want to.

And counseling, as others' have suggested, can help you a great deal. It will help you determine how to keep your marriage together, or it might help you decide how best to end it. Above all, encourage your husband to be honest with himself, and with you. His decisions affect two people, and he does a disservice to both if he continues to custom tailor his actions for what he thinks he ought to do, not what he wants to do.

You seem openminded, and willing to adjust. And that's very impressive to me. Hopefully your husband recognizes what a wonderful lady you are, no matter the outcome.

 

[Astrum]

Even though I'm really wired right now I can't be asked to read the entire thread (I'm such a lazy bum, hehe).

First I don't think you should be angry at him for not telling you. I have secrets that I never reveal, and probably never will. When people realize they might be "different" (and I don't mean different in a bad way) they tend to hide this. Society can be pretty brutal to people who are different. It makes people feel ashamed of who they are, what they like, etc... So I suggest you try and have a little understanding for him not telling you. I know what your natural instincts are, but under the circumstances I think an understanding attitude would be a better option.

It's also okay that you don't really find this attractive. I like anal sex (giving and even a little recieving), but I realize a lot of girls don't like either. I always hope that they respect what I like, and I'll respect what they like. It doesn't mean I expect them to get a strap-on or let me stick my thing in them, if they don't like it then we don't do it.

Everyone has limits, explain to your husband your limits and he will understand.

I hope that helps, I'm pretty messed up right now.

 

[Lust Engine]

Wow...talk about being blindsided!

Fifteen years and then WHAM!

I think all of the advice here given so far is pretty solid. Feel what you need to feel right now... shame, betrayal, hurt, the entire gamut. Like Sheath said, you're more than entitled to that.

As far as recovering from all of this pain from the story- it's going to take some time to deal with. I think the first step would be with a counselor. I know you'll recover in one form or another and come to some sort of resolution but a counselor might help speed things up a little bit. Afteralll they get paid to see things slightly differently than those of us too close to the fire.

Good luck. It'll be a slow process I'm sure but let yourself know you'll be okay. You've been true to yourself and that's to be commended.

 

[Astrum]

I was a little... Well... Messed up earlier, so let me make a new post now that I've read the entire thread.

I agree with Warrior Queen (she always makes really thoughtful and good posts ).

Counselling would be a very good course of action to help this tender moment along. I advise you to get a very open minded counsellor though. There would be nothing worse than getting a counsellor that believes couples should adhere to traditional values only. Your husband would feel hurt, betrayed, cornered, under the scope, and all sort of negative emotions since a 'traditional counsellor' would almost always see this sort of behavior as sick and deviant, the counsellor would probably make it pretty vocal too. So if you're going to get a counsellor make sure to check out her/his view on things out of the ordinary.

I would even say you should consider talking to someone who already knows about your husbands desire to cross-dress (if you're not the only one who knows that is). All three of you should talk, it would make your husband feel more comfortable if someone was there that already accepted his cross dressing. You could talk to the person who knows and accepts his 'fetish' if you will, and share your ideas and your concerns with him/her. I think it would be really benificial if you knew someone who accepted him like this and has for a long time. That is if you're not the only one who knows. If you are the only one who knows than an open minded counsellor would definitely be the way to go.

I would also like to show you how your husband is feeling so perhaps you can balance out your own mixed feelings and emotions right now. From what I've read it sounds like he didn't just tell you but rather you found out accidentally. Personally I can understand why he might want to keep his secret. I bet that even though he knew there was a chance you would accept him as he is, he also knew that there was a chance you wouldn't accept him. You could have decided to divorice him over it for all he knew and then proceed to tell everyone about your cross-dressing ex-husband. That would be absolutely devistating to anyone. Even the mere thought that you might not accept him and that he might become the laughing stock of the city is enough to scare any man into secrecy. I'm not saying that you're feelings for this situation are wrong. I'm just saying that he probably was afraid that he could have potentially lost everything; his humility, his wife, his self-confidence, self-respect, etc... No matter how small the chance, it's still there.

If anything didn't make sense above I apologize. I'm really not feeling good right now.

 

[SensualCealy]

After reading everything that has been wrote, I agree the idea of self worth comes into play when you find out.

The big question that came to mind was "Isn't he attracted to me as a man?" or "Am I not good enough for him the way it was?"

You start thinking things like, what did I do wrong, or what could I have done to make him happier. The list goes on and continues to get longer.

I really think the scarest thing is worrying about the kids, will they find out, and if by chance they do, what do you say? I think that's been one of the big ones for the last 14 yrs for me.

It got to a point he wanted to dress all the time in bed (no one else knows he dresses only under clothing in public). That made me angry when I wanted to fall asleep in my husbands arms yet he had a bra and panties on even make up at times.

I have no problem with in a sense, being lesbian, some days Id prefer it. At least women know what goes on in other womens heads, but a guy dressed as a butt ugly woman doesnt.

There are days I wish I'd never met him so I wouldn't have the confusion all the time, and yet there are times I am so glad I did for all the happy times we have had.

I just wish things were different.
SC

 

[tronada]

My God, I start crying every time I come on here.
Thanks to everyone for all the great advice. It would be hard to answer all of the questions everyone has asked, just because I don't know everything myself. My husband has really been avoiding any alone time between us for the last couple of weeks, even dismissing me when I have tried to force him to talk about things. I have so many questions and wondering is hell.
What I do know is that for all these years, while I have not been perfect(far from), I have always tried very hard to please in bed. He has always told me things like, he's not into sex, or not feeling well, or any number of other excuses. And let me tell you, when you're in bed with someone that you love and professes to love you just as much, and he can't get a hard on no matter what you do sometimes, and there is nothing physically wrong, it REALLY affects your self esteem. Mine has never been that good anyway, just from some of the stuff that i went through as a kid/teen.
So, I really am angry that he let me think it was ME all these years, whether it was that I was too fat or whatever he said. That's hurts alot. That he would know what it was and let me take the blame anyway. And I've said as much.
He said he was sorry for that, but that doesn't just erase it. He thinks I should just get over it and we can go on like it's nothing. I haven't been able to do that. Not at all.
I've read tons of stuff, and now I have more questions than ever but he won't answer beyond he doesn't thinks he's gay. He doesn't want to be a woman. No one else supposedly knows. And he showed me his whole stash, which was shocking. I just do not fathom where he could hide so much stuff.
So, what he told me was that he had been going out shopping, dressed, as he says, but that's all he did. I find it hard to believe that no one we know would have seen him from where he tells me he's gone. As many times as he has, I just don't think it's possible that no one else knows. But he won't tell me anything else.
And I naturally assume that if he goes out in public like this, it's because he WANTS to be seen and noticed. Wouldn't you notice?? What was he looking for? If not like people or some other experience? He says no. I don't believe it. I think he has lied so much that he can't help but keep doing it to cover up. And I don't know how to get him to talk. Obviously, he needs to talk to someone. But he says he never has.
The lies are what I hate. I refuse to put up with any more lies. He says he will get rid of everything and stop and change his ways because he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and his family. I think he is in denial big time and I told him that he cannot change for me and I would not feel right asking him to, but at the same time I do not want to be a part of this. I think that he was so out of control that he scared himself and is now afraid to say what he was really looking for. Maybe I'm wrong. I really don't know anymore.
So, that's where we are. Everyday, I wonder, and I think that is much worse than knowing the whole truth.
Thanks everyone.
Much love.

tronada

 

[warrior queen]

My God, I start crying every time I come on here.....

tronada honey

i think you really need to sit down with yourself, and make some decisions about whether or not you want to be in the place you're at right now.
hard, i know, but your post shows that you have some major conflicts happening, and they're not just about his cross-dressing.

you need to think about whether or not you feel that you can rebuild the trust, and the fact that he's avoiding you means that you'll have to come to that choice on your own.

his avoidance also shows that he's simply not prepared to meet you halfway regarding these issues, and because it's unlikely that he's going to change - believe me, he can no more 'change' his behaviour than a gay person can change their sexual orientation - it's up to you to do some indepth soul-searching and decide what you can and cannot live with.

if he says he'll change, the end result is going to be him either resenting you for forcing him to deny his impulses (even if he's the one who decides not to give in to them and you have nothing to do with that decision), or him lying to cover up the fact that he's still doing it anyway.

there's no easy answer to this, but i seriously think your first step should be to go and seek the help of a counsellor - because he's obviously caused you some more damage to your already low self-esteem, and you need help to regain your confidence in yourself.
go get some professional help, and do it without him, if you have to.

i will be watching this thread, and as always, wish you the very best whichever way you resolve this.