since I'm here.....perhaps I could ask?

[tronada]

[/QUOTE] There are days I wish I'd never met him so I wouldn't have the confusion all the time, and yet there are times I am so glad I did for all the happy times we have had.

I just wish things were different.

I feel exactly the same.


Tried talking to him again and suggested counselling for us both. He didn't really say much.

I'm wondering if anyone has had any experience with any support groups for crossdressers? I've only read about it. Is this feasible?
If he must do this(and I don't think he can change it), I would rather it be in a safer environment. The thought of him walking the streets dressed scares me terribly. Especially with all the psychos out there nowadays. You never know what the people you pass are thinking, and there is so much violence and intolerance in society that I just think it's very dangerous.
I worry about my kids more than anything. I don't want them to know about this. And if they did find out, I don't want it to be because someone else saw him and passed it along to them.



tronada

 

[Kissophile]

Tronada, do you think the fact that your husband "didn't really say much" when you suggested counseling for the two of you is an improvement? After all, a couple days ago you had this to say about talking with him: "My husband has really been avoiding any alone time between us for the last couple of weeks, even dismissing me when I have tried to force him to talk about things."

I wonder if the fact that you know about his cross-dressing and haven't thrown him out of the house but instead have tried to understand him is starting to sink in. Maybe he's beginning to accept this new state in your relationship.

I suppose it could simply be my optimistic side reading some progress into your posts, but I hope not. Just as you "knew" only a part of him for 15 years, his relationship with you was based on keeping a fence around part of himself. It will take some time for this new state in your relationship to become familiar and as that happens it will seem less threatening. Then it may be easier to consider a major step like counseling.

 

[Weird Harold]

Tried talking to him again and suggested counselling for us both. He didn't really say much.

When you suggested "counseling for both of us" do you think he might have heard "you need to get counseling about your fetish, but I'm hiding that with talk about marriage counseling" ?

When the words "marriage counseling" comes up people often hear "It's all your fault and the counseler will prove it" unless it's presented very carefully.

Edit: Ido NOT mean to imply that youmeant any of those things, only that in his state of mind, HE might misinterpret the intent of the counseling. He might very well have feared being discovered and forced into a "cure" of some sort for years and any suggestion "of professional help" sounds like his long-term fear come to life.

You may need to go to a counseler on your own at first and draw him into the counseling later with the counseler's assistance.

At the very least, you need to make him understand that the counseling is about your marriage and relationship and not about his fetish -- or at least not about "curing" him of the fetish.

 

[tronada]

I just want to say, first off, what a help it is to have someplace to go to discuss this situation. I am not a very people person, not social at all, in fact, have been on different meds over the years for anxiety problems and depression. That being said, I know I am still hiding behind a username and computer screen, but anyway, it's a step and it helps. Again, it's the esteem and confidence thing. I know all of this but it's still hard to come out of my shell. So thanks to everyone.

When I suggested the counseling to him, I tried not to phrase it in such a way that he would get scared. I even suggested that I be the one to go alone 'cause I know how screwed up I am and not because of him, but I just am, and I can't seem to fix it myself. He didn't say much, shrugged. And then I asked him if he thought that we should both go together. Again, he shrugged.
Since the day he told me, I have always said to him, I don't think he could/should change, esp. not for anyone but himself. And all he says is he wants to make me happy. I know he will resent me. I know it. What else can I say?

Gotta go. Off to take the kitty to the vet.


tronada

 

[warrior queen]

i don't think it matters all that much HOW you ask him to attend counselling - what matters is that he actually recognises the need for you to get some kind of clarity/focus on this situation, and the fact that you feel the need to go for outside help to do this.
if he's willing to work at the relationship to get you both past this hurdle, he would have jumped at the chance for you to understand.

and this is something he seems to show no interest in

your husband is doing the 'ostrich' - he's trying to step away far enough so that it's no longer his problem.... rather he's making it entirely your issue by denial.

that way, he's blameless.

this doesn't sound like you're actually getting anywhere at all with him, and my suggestion is that you get yourself off to a counsellor with or without him and begin to sort out your own issues. you do not need his permission for that, or his co-operation.

you said you also have depression and anxiety - having dealt extensively with both of these illnesses, i can only repeat..... go and see your therapist.
you need to have some support in sorting out exactly how your husbands behaviour is affecting you (remember, if you already have mental issues, situations like what you've described with your SO can exacerbate things in a very insidious way.)

YOU come first, that's the rule.

 

[Weird Harold]

i don't think it matters all that much HOW you ask him to attend counselling - what matters is that he actually recognises the need for you to get some kind of clarity/focus on this situation, and the fact that you feel the need to go for outside help to do this.
if he's willing to work at the relationship to get you both past this hurdle, he would have jumped at the chance for you to understand.

and this is something he seems to show no interest in

No, it doesn't really matter how counseling is brought up -- except that some ways are going to meet more resistance than others.

The point I was trying to make is:

Someone who has hidden a fetish from the one person he should be able to reveal it to for 15+ years is bound to have some deep-seated misconceptions and phobias about the word "counseling" -- especially when it comes up as a result of finally revealing the fetish.

A resistance to counseling or even an outright rejection of counseling is NOT a rejection of Tronada or the idea of repairing their relationship -- It's just an reflexive response to facing what must have been a long-standing fear.

 

[warrior queen]

No, it doesn't really matter how counseling is brought up -- except that some ways are going to meet more resistance than others.

The point I was trying to make is:

Someone who has hidden a fetish from the one person he should be able to reveal it to for 15+ years is bound to have some deep-seated misconceptions and phobias about the word "counseling" -- especially when it comes up as a result of finally revealing the fetish.

A resistance to counseling or even an outright rejection of counseling is NOT a rejection of Tronada or the idea of repairing their relationship -- It's just an reflexive response to facing what must have been a long-standing fear.

understood.

but i sorta meant, that if he really had an interest in tronada understanding/getting her head around this, then he would at the very least be encouraging her to go see her counsellor on her own!

and it doesn't sound like he's even interested in discussing that option.

 

[Weird Harold]

and it doesn't sound like he's even interested in discussing that option.

It's a bit like telling an archnophobe that you want him to join you in going to a museum exhibit about spiders -- he's not even going to want to think of YOU being around spiders let alone going himself.

I suspect that if he could express his feelings about counseling it would be something along the lines of, "Counseling or Therapy is to make you 'Normal' and 'Normal' people don't cross-dress or accept people who do cross-dress."

From Tronada's POV, she needs to understand that his lack of interest is probably a "good thing" at this point -- at least he's not actively opposing it.

 

[SensualCealy]

To me his lack of interest would mean that he sees himself not having a problem. For 15 yrs this has been his way of life, and why should he be "fixed"?

Its not a case of being "fixed". The problem is Tronada has just had the rug pulled out from under her, and he cant understand why it is such a big deal for her to understand.

The reason why it was a big deal for me was, I didnt get the chance to make the decision about wanting to be with a cross dresser for the rest of my life, I had a child with him and wanted my child to have a father full time, I dealt with it and he knows my feelings. Some times he has to be reminded about how I feel to bring him back to "OUR" world.

Tornada was told after investing 15 yrs into the relationship, Id likely think he was imbarassed as well as scared to tell her for the fear of losing her. If I were to be a betting woman, Id bet that what he is feeling right now is, that she doesnt see him as the man he was, and truly questions her love for him after finding out. It is such a tough call to make and the only one to make it is Tornada. I agree that if they choose councilling it should be separate, when she has a grasp on the fetish , he can be brought in so they can now work on their life together.

Good luck and always know you can PM me Tornada!
SC

 

[tronada]

update...

Well, as I was just beginning to be a little less pessimistic and a little more optimistic about the whole situation, Hubby went somewhere alone Saturday, and when I tried to call him 4 hours later, he didn't answer his phone.
Gee. Any guesses as to what he was out doing??!
Three hours after the 1st time I tried to call, he finally answered, and all he would tell me was that he would be home when he finished his shopping. Needless to say, I was a bit pissed off by this time. When he came home, he wouldn't speak to me, and by that time, I didn't want to talk to him either, not after he had been gone for around 9 hours total and he told me when he left, he would only be gone 3-4 hours tops.
I guess I'm just venting here. Sorry if no one wants to hear it. I don't have anywhere else to get it out.
I'm thinking of just laying out some ultimatums, and being done with it all. He doesn't seem to want to help me work through this, so what else am I to do?


p.s. Cealy: I tried to pm you several times but it wouldn't go through! ???? I'll try again sometime. Thanks!




tronada

 

[Kissophile]

Re: update...

Well, as I was just beginning to be a little less pessimistic and a little more optimistic about the whole situation, Hubby went somewhere alone Saturday, and when I tried to call him 4 hours later, he didn't answer his phone.
Gee. Any guesses as to what he was out doing??!
Three hours after the 1st time I tried to call, he finally answered, and all he would tell me was that he would be home when he finished his shopping. Needless to say, I was a bit pissed off by this time. When he came home, he wouldn't speak to me, and by that time, I didn't want to talk to him either, not after he had been gone for around 9 hours total and he told me when he left, he would only be gone 3-4 hours tops.
I guess I'm just venting here. Sorry if no one wants to hear it. I don't have anywhere else to get it out.
I'm thinking of just laying out some ultimatums, and being done with it all. He doesn't seem to want to help me work through this, so what else am I to do?


p.s. Cealy: I tried to pm you several times but it wouldn't go through! ???? I'll try again sometime. Thanks!




tronada

Tronada, this is a great place to vent because there are plenty of people who are interested and want to help. Don't even begin to think that no one wants to hear what you have to say.

 

[turboguy]

hi, and welcome, tronada.

wow, have you been dealt a real blow in the whole 'trust' part of your relationship!
this is something that you can't just suddenly deal with - it's a whole new life issue that you have to wrap your head around.

having said that, you should be aware that your SO probably did not intend to decieve you - rather, he was hiding a behaviour that is generally seen as 'deviant' still, and in all likelihood, did not want to hurt you by bringing it into your relationship.
he also probably thought that he could 'control' the urge to cross-dress when he was around you.

on the one hand, he obviously trusts you enough now, to allow you to see this other, hidden side of him.
for you to outright reject his fetish, he might see that as a rejection of him personally so you need to be very careful as to how you respond to this issue.
(men are funny - they seem to think that if you dislike a part of their behaviour, that means you dislike them totally as well.)

how you react to this is entirely up to you, of course, but you need to ask yourself whether this part of him is enough to break your relationship over?
and if not, then i would suggest going to seek some professional assistance - as a couple - in order to help both of you deal with all the new issues this raises within your relationship.

on another note, this is only a small part of what makes him a whole person - he's still the same person you have been with all these years.
the external stuff like cross-dressing, really is no different than if he were to wear a shirt out to dinner in a colour you detest.
it's what's inside that you need to be looking for and evaluating him on.

still, a shock like that, when you aren't expecting it, is enough to make you question yourself and your role in the relationship.
(but remember, it's not about something YOU didn't provide... it's about something HE never told you he wanted.)
you need to help him redefine HIS role, and this is all assuming you want to work to keep the whole thing together despite this new issue.

whichever way you decide, i hope that this does not in any way make you feel that you have been inadequate within your relationship, because that would be a mistake.
it's about him, and him alone - NOT about something you did or didn't do that might have made him that way.
remember that.

Holy shit....I'm in love......LOL

Oklay...that aside......I would have said the same thing as this post.......if I could only be so good with words!!


T

 

[SensualCealy]

Tronada,

Just to bring a light side to a very dark situation, be thankful he is buying his own stuff and not wearing yours.
I dont know how many times Ive gone to put a bra on to find the elastic stretched along the back.( his back is much broader than mine)

I would be pretty worried if my hubby took off for three or more hours without telling me where he was going, out of respect. Its one thing to worry about what he is doing, and another to worry about what the outcome is. Will he make it home, etc. Ive gone so far as to look at phone bills to see if I know the numbers that were called. If I dont ,I question him.

As the years go by it gets harder and harder to deal with, I get to the point where Im more willing to do somethings I may not have been before, just so he wont dress for the occasion.

Hope to hear from you soon, C

 

[SmilinAngel]

This article may help:

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/7396/rdrm/helpingwivestocope.html

*hug* hang in there.

~SA~

 

[tronada]

Thanks for the link, Smilin Angel. I've already seen it.
I'm afraid I'm not to point where I can consider any of this funny yet. Still dealing with so much hurt and confusion.

We did have a long talk the other afternoon while the kids were at school Monday. I don't know if we resolved much but it's a start. Of course, we may never have talked at all if I hadn't caught him lying after he was gone for an 8 hour stretch again. I was forced to issue some ultimatums, which I hated to do, but at least he answered a few questions for me finally.

We'll see what happens next.


tronada

 

[SmilinAngel]

Thanks for the link, Smilin Angel. I've already seen it.
I'm afraid I'm not to point where I can consider any of this funny yet. Still dealing with so much hurt and confusion.

Oh, I'm sorry, Tronada, I wasn't trying to be funny. I thought the article was educational and had a unique point of view. I'm sorry if I offended you!

 

[tronada]

misunderstood

SmilinAngel, you didn't offend me. The article did. It just felt like it was written a little too lightheartedly for me at this time. That's all. I'm not to the point where I can enjoy the so called benefits of my husband's CD'ing yet, if ever. And I'm not even sure what those are. The majority of articles I've read about CD tend to take a less than serious look at how it affects the SO, or maybe that is just my defensive take on it.

Regardless, I appreciate the gesture. It wasn't you. Feel free to pm me anytime you need an ear.



tronada