So, Tuesday I'm having brain surgery...

[Bandit58]

This is not the place to unload shit.

What better place is there? You have lots of friends here who care about you

I've unloaded heaps of stuff on Lit and it turned out to be a good thing because people I'd never met before offered me support, and through that I met Master Gil and the rest is history

Once when Master Gil was in hospital the only get well cards He got were from me and two other people from Lit. He was in for a week and no one He knows came to visit even (This was before we got together in r/t).

I don't have any family here and I kind of like it that way, I can be how I really am without any interference from my mother. I love her but she lives in her own little world and assumes everyone else lives in it too. She would be very shocked if she knew the things I do now. I'm the only one in my generation of cousins who is divorced......I think she is ashamed about that.

Master Gil has His own problems with His parents....they are ageing fast and His dad has dementia. It will soon be time to start making some decisions there and He is not looking forward to it.

You can keep unloading shit, I'll just help shovel it back up again

 

[Marquis]

What better place is there?

Word.

 

[FurryFury]

Word.

I agree. We care. We want to be here for you.

Fury

 

[kayte]

Although those folks with the neurosurgeon aren't telling me anything until next Monday, I found out today that he only did a partial resection of this tumor.

That means at least half of it is still in there.

The neurosurgeon turns me over to a neurologist next Monday. After several calls this morning, I found one who will to see next Wednesday.

The neurologist will decide what type of treatment to do on this tumor and will manage my Dilantin.

I felt good until now. It's cancer but still I don't know if it's malignant or benign.
It's just plain scary... all over again.

This is not the place to unload shit.

I'm sorry. This thread should be deleted or should never have been started... something.

I just want to go back to work and go back to who I was on April 25th at 7pm.

{{{{{{{{{{ADR}}}}}}}}}}}}

We are here for you!! You never need to apologize for sharing with us what you are going through!

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Damn ADR everything I try to write seems so trite.

I respect your opinion in regards to this thread , may I suggest however its 'ballsy' we are not just bits of fetish and clever anecdotes. Why bother with a Community where humanity outside of all things BDSM realm can't exist ?

Not for a moment in reading here your comments or that of your friends have I personally witnessed apathy. I won't make second guess opinions to throw a fuzzy blanket over what your facing. Your showing immense strength and dignity in this journey ADR even when you articulate small amounts of dispondancy and frustration.

Thinking of you Miss ADR.

@}-}rebecca-----

 

[graceanne]

If we're not allowed to unload shit here on lit, then I'm in big big trouble.

Sometimes it's easier to unload here cause their's distance and safety in an online forum. It's hard to unload over the phone or to someone who can see you. But if you don't unload you'll explode.

 

[kayte]

Good afternoon {{{{{{{{{ADR}}}}}}}}}}}

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

AND What rebecca and graceanne said!

 

[A Desert Rose]

You guys are being awfully understanding and patient. And I know that like Mr.Mann and rebecca said, words are inadequate, as is Thank you. But it's the best I have right now.

I remember some years ago when I worked in ICCU ( intensive coronary care.) Back then I was more mmmm mentally flexible. (This tumor has sure given new meaning to the words “mentally flexible.”) Anyway, one of the things we watched for in MI patients was depression.

The heart is the essence of our being. If it’s not working, then nothing works and everything dies. It’s the basis of our life. And those people who suffer heart attacks, feel the vulnerability of mortality. The instantness of death and the absolute finalness of it. The out of control feelings. They feel there’s nothing they can do to stop that roaring train when it comes.

I’m feeling that, some days. Well, everyday, I guess. I feel like this could all be gone for me and it will take nothing but a seizure to end who I am, what I am, who I might still have become. Not to mention the idea that I could kill someone along the way. Who I am is what’s in my head. And if it’s wiped out, then what? So I have these moments of depression and they don’t seem to go away completely.

God, I’m telling you... I’ve never been a depressed person. I’ve never let anything bring me down and especially not for long. And now, I can’t get my head around this (pardon the pun) tumor. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I can think is.... “My God, you’ve got a tumor... how did this happen to you? And why? Could I’ve done something to prevent it?” One moment I'm setting up someone's meds and the next, I'm in an ER being told I have a L frontal lobe tumor.

I keep hearing the voice of that doctor in ER... “you’ve got a tumor and we’re flighting you out.”
I remember my eyes getting really wide and telling him that it’s not possible. I remember seeing my uniform on the counter in a plastic bag and thinking, what poor person had to underdress me.

I just want answers and I know there’s no way I will get them. Not definitive ones, for sure. And not soon enough. I've never been a patient person.

I also have these moments when I think I'm making a big fucking deal out of nothing. And whining and self pity is counterproductive. And no one wants to hear it. At those moments I turn off my phone and turn off the computer.

I'm a nurse. I can handle this. And I should not be expecting or asking for help from anyone.

But every single post in this thread and every PM I've recieved (and I've read them all over and over again) has had a major impact on this experience for me.

Again, thank you for taking the time to even read, let alone post to me. It'll never be forgotten, of that I can assure you.

 

[graceanne]

You guys are being awfully understanding and patient. And I know that like Mr.Mann and rebecca said, words are inadequate, as is Thank you. But it's the best I have right now.

I remember some years ago when I worked in ICCU ( intensive coronary care.) Back then I was more mmmm mentally flexible. (This tumor has sure given new meaning to the words “mentally flexible.”) Anyway, one of the things we watched for in MI patients was depression.

The heart is the essence of our being. If it’s not working, then nothing works and everything dies. It’s the basis of our life. And those people who suffer heart attacks, feel the vulnerability of mortality. The instantness of death and the absolute finalness of it. The out of control feelings. They feel there’s nothing they can do to stop that roaring train when it comes.

I’m feeling that, some days. Well, everyday, I guess. I feel like this could all be gone for me and it will take nothing but a seizure to end who I am, what I am, who I might still have become. Not to mention the idea that I could kill someone along the way. Who I am is what’s in my head. And if it’s wiped out, then what? So I have these moments of depression and they don’t seem to go away completely.

God, I’m telling you... I’ve never been a depressed person. I’ve never let anything bring me down and especially not for long. And now, I can’t get my head around this (pardon the pun) tumor. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I can think is.... “My God, you’ve got a tumor... how did this happen to you? And why? Could I’ve done something to prevent it?” One moment I'm setting up someone's meds and the next, I'm in an ER being told I have a L frontal lobe tumor.

I've thought these. I've wondered if I did something to make God mad at me, and I'm being punished. I've wondered if I'd excercised in school if I wouldn't be sick. What I've realized is that not only is it not my fault i'm sick, but the constant questioning is . . . well it's ego. For me to think that I'm so all powerful that I can control things like this. It's also one last grasp for control of something I can't control. If it's my fault, that means their's something I can do to make it better. I can pray more, I can excercise more, etc. Nothing I'm saying right now is going to speed up this part of your healing process, though. This, as you probably know, is an important part of coming to grips with what's wrong. As human's it's normal for us to ask 'why'. We just need to know that sometimes their's no answers.

I keep hearing the voice of that doctor in ER... “you’ve got a tumor and we’re flighting you out.”
I remember my eyes getting really wide and telling him that it’s not possible. I remember seeing my uniform on the counter in a plastic bag and thinking, what poor person had to underdress me.

I just want answers and I know there’s no way I will get them. Not definitive ones, for sure. And not soon enough. I've never been a patient person.

I also have these moments when I think I'm making a big fucking deal out of nothing. And whining and self pity is counterproductive. And no one wants to hear it. At those moments I turn off my phone and turn off the computer.

I'm a nurse. I can handle this. And I should not be expecting or asking for help from anyone.

OH, pooh. You are trained to help others through things like this. You were not trained to help yourself through this. Their's a reason they train nurses to help others through this, cause you can't do it by yourself. No one could. Stop beating yourself up cause you're not super-woman. You are human and this is all a shock to the system. Their are stages to go through, and the one you just described is a combination of denial and anger. It's ok to feel this way, but don't beat yourself up when you need help.

But every single post in this thread and every PM I've recieved (and I've read them all over and over again) has had a major impact on this experience for me.

Again, thank you for taking the time to even read, let alone post to me. It'll never be forgotten, of that I can assure you.

I remember every nice thing people did and said while I was sick last time. Well, I think I do. Dilauded and Morphine make some things a bit fuzzy - so it's possible I forgot something. The reason? Cause I needed kindness and stuff more than, so it meant more that I got it.

 

[shy slave]

ADR I wish I had eloquent words that would help, but I don't.
Everyone has made such good posts on differing aspects you haved faced and are facing.

When your back fighting fit, please don't go all soft on us and post pics of fluffy kittens and 's
Your so much better than that.

And despite what you asked for have some hugs {{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}

And a flower

 

[brioche]

You guys are being awfully understanding and patient. And I know that like Mr.Mann and rebecca said, words are inadequate, as is Thank you. But it's the best I have right now.

I remember some years ago when I worked in ICCU ( intensive coronary care.) Back then I was more mmmm mentally flexible. (This tumor has sure given new meaning to the words “mentally flexible.”) Anyway, one of the things we watched for in MI patients was depression.

The heart is the essence of our being. If it’s not working, then nothing works and everything dies. It’s the basis of our life. And those people who suffer heart attacks, feel the vulnerability of mortality. The instantness of death and the absolute finalness of it. The out of control feelings. They feel there’s nothing they can do to stop that roaring train when it comes.

I’m feeling that, some days. Well, everyday, I guess. I feel like this could all be gone for me and it will take nothing but a seizure to end who I am, what I am, who I might still have become. Not to mention the idea that I could kill someone along the way. Who I am is what’s in my head. And if it’s wiped out, then what? So I have these moments of depression and they don’t seem to go away completely.

God, I’m telling you... I’ve never been a depressed person. I’ve never let anything bring me down and especially not for long. And now, I can’t get my head around this (pardon the pun) tumor. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I can think is.... “My God, you’ve got a tumor... how did this happen to you? And why? Could I’ve done something to prevent it?” One moment I'm setting up someone's meds and the next, I'm in an ER being told I have a L frontal lobe tumor.

I keep hearing the voice of that doctor in ER... “you’ve got a tumor and we’re flighting you out.”
I remember my eyes getting really wide and telling him that it’s not possible. I remember seeing my uniform on the counter in a plastic bag and thinking, what poor person had to underdress me.

I just want answers and I know there’s no way I will get them. Not definitive ones, for sure. And not soon enough. I've never been a patient person.

I also have these moments when I think I'm making a big fucking deal out of nothing. And whining and self pity is counterproductive. And no one wants to hear it. At those moments I turn off my phone and turn off the computer.

I'm a nurse. I can handle this. And I should not be expecting or asking for help from anyone.

But every single post in this thread and every PM I've recieved (and I've read them all over and over again) has had a major impact on this experience for me.

Again, thank you for taking the time to even read, let alone post to me. It'll never be forgotten, of that I can assure you.

You know, there is a big possibility of depression, for you, yes, but have you even considered the fact that you could have PTSD? What you have gone through is totally life altering and fits the criteria easily.

PTSD may develop following exposure to extreme trauma.
Extreme trauma is a terrifying event or ordeal that a person has experienced, witnessed or learned about, especially one that is life-threatening or causes physical harm. It can be a single event or repeated experience.
The experience causes that person to feel intense fear, horror or a sense of helplessness.
The stress caused by trauma can affect all aspects of a person’s life, including mental, emotional and physical well-being.
Research suggests that prolonged trauma may disrupt and alter brain chemistry. For some people, this may lead to the development of PTSD


Those specifically at risk include:

Those diagnosed with a life-threatening illness or who have undergone invasive medical procedures.

Three categories – or "clusters" – of symptoms are associated with PTSD.

Clusters

Re-living the event through recurring nightmares or other intrusive images that occur at any time. People who suffer from PTSD also have extreme emotional or physical reactions such as chills, heart palpitations or panic when faced with reminders of the event.

Avoiding reminders of the event, including places, people, thoughts or other activities associated with the trauma. PTSD sufferers may feel emotionally detached, withdraw from friends and family, and lose interest in everyday activities.

Being on guard or being hyper-aroused at all times, including feeling irritability or sudden anger, having difficulty sleeping or concentrating, or being overly alert or easily startled.

Just to keep you informed.
Also, don't EVER keep telling yourself you should be able to deal with it. I've fought those expectations for years (and am falling into them again) and believe me, it's all bullshit. And I know, hearing it from me doesn't help. So I will at least say I understand that part of what you're going through.

I don't want to be intrusive at all. But I will say that I am here for you, and if you
need anything or have any questions, I am here.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

As you can never be forgotten.

You guys are being awfully understanding and patient. And I know that like Mr.Mann and rebecca said, words are inadequate, as is Thank you. But it's the best I have right now.

I remember some years ago when I worked in ICCU ( intensive coronary care.) Back then I was more mmmm mentally flexible. (This tumor has sure given new meaning to the words “mentally flexible.”) Anyway, one of the things we watched for in MI patients was depression.

The heart is the essence of our being. If it’s not working, then nothing works and everything dies. It’s the basis of our life. And those people who suffer heart attacks, feel the vulnerability of mortality. The instantness of death and the absolute finalness of it. The out of control feelings. They feel there’s nothing they can do to stop that roaring train when it comes.

I’m feeling that, some days. Well, everyday, I guess. I feel like this could all be gone for me and it will take nothing but a seizure to end who I am, what I am, who I might still have become. Not to mention the idea that I could kill someone along the way. Who I am is what’s in my head. And if it’s wiped out, then what? So I have these moments of depression and they don’t seem to go away completely.

God, I’m telling you... I’ve never been a depressed person. I’ve never let anything bring me down and especially not for long. And now, I can’t get my head around this (pardon the pun) tumor. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I can think is.... “My God, you’ve got a tumor... how did this happen to you? And why? Could I’ve done something to prevent it?” One moment I'm setting up someone's meds and the next, I'm in an ER being told I have a L frontal lobe tumor.

I keep hearing the voice of that doctor in ER... “you’ve got a tumor and we’re flighting you out.”
I remember my eyes getting really wide and telling him that it’s not possible. I remember seeing my uniform on the counter in a plastic bag and thinking, what poor person had to underdress me.

I just want answers and I know there’s no way I will get them. Not definitive ones, for sure. And not soon enough. I've never been a patient person.

I also have these moments when I think I'm making a big fucking deal out of nothing. And whining and self pity is counterproductive. And no one wants to hear it. At those moments I turn off my phone and turn off the computer.

I'm a nurse. I can handle this. And I should not be expecting or asking for help from anyone.

But every single post in this thread and every PM I've recieved (and I've read them all over and over again) has had a major impact on this experience for me.

Again, thank you for taking the time to even read, let alone post to me. It'll never be forgotten, of that I can assure you.

 

[ammre]

I feel anxious. Are you ok? I wanna know you're ok...

;\

 

[A Desert Rose]

I feel anxious. Are you ok? I wanna know you're ok...

;\

I'm okay.

I remember you so very well. I sent you pictures of the poncho I crocheted for my daughter. We talked about crocheting, you and I. How is that going for you? Are you still doing it?

Hey... you ever need any patterns, I can hook (pun intended) you up on that. ;-)

It's so good to hear from you... You have no idea. None.
Thank you.

 

[A Desert Rose]

As you can never be forgotten.

Oh Snooze... thank you. You are such a fine Man to say that.

You know, there is a big possibility of depression, for you, yes, but have you even considered the fact that you could have PTSD? What you have gone through is totally life altering and fits the criteria easily.

PTSD may develop following exposure to extreme trauma.
Extreme trauma is a terrifying event or ordeal that a person has experienced, witnessed or learned about, especially one that is life-threatening or causes physical harm. It can be a single event or repeated experience.
The experience causes that person to feel intense fear, horror or a sense of helplessness.
The stress caused by trauma can affect all aspects of a person’s life, including mental, emotional and physical well-being.
Research suggests that prolonged trauma may disrupt and alter brain chemistry. For some people, this may lead to the development of PTSD


Those specifically at risk include:

Those diagnosed with a life-threatening illness or who have undergone invasive medical procedures.

Three categories – or "clusters" – of symptoms are associated with PTSD.

Clusters

Re-living the event through recurring nightmares or other intrusive images that occur at any time. People who suffer from PTSD also have extreme emotional or physical reactions... heart palpitations or panic when faced with reminders of the event...

Being on guard or being hyper-aroused at all times, including feeling irritability or sudden anger, having difficulty sleeping or concentrating...

...I don't want to be intrusive at all. But I will say that I am here for you, and if you
need anything or have any questions, I am here.

I've had chest pain and tachycardia. I have had horrible bursts of anger in public places... and contrary to what anyone here thinks, I don't do that normally. I don't lose my temper in public.

I've found myself reliving the experience with friends and family. Mostly, I think, in an effort to understand what happened and fill in the empty spots... the things I can't remember. But then I get anxious all over again.

yes, there's a lot to be said for this theory and thank you ever so much for this post, brioche. I think there's a lot to it. And I intend to read on this.

I've thought these. I've wondered if I did something to make God mad at me, and I'm being punished. I've wondered if I'd excercised in school if I wouldn't be sick. What I've realized is that not only is it not my fault i'm sick, but the constant questioning is . . . well it's ego. For me to think that I'm so all powerful that I can control things like this. It's also one last grasp for control of something I can't control. If it's my fault, that means their's something I can do to make it better. I can pray more, I can excercise more, etc. Nothing I'm saying right now is going to speed up this part of your healing process, though. This, as you probably know, is an important part of coming to grips with what's wrong. As human's it's normal for us to ask 'why'. We just need to know that sometimes their's no answers.

yes. This is really all about ego and you put it in perspective very well. Thank you, Grace. I need to feel I'm in control of something, even when in truth, I am not.

OH, pooh. You are trained to help others through things like this. You were not trained to help yourself through this. Their's a reason they train nurses to help others through this, cause you can't do it by yourself. No one could. Stop beating yourself up cause you're not super-woman. You are human and this is all a shock to the system. Their are stages to go through, and the one you just described is a combination of denial and anger. It's ok to feel this way, but don't beat yourself up when you need help.

And again... you're right. I take care of people for a living - or did and plan to go back to that as soon as possible. "No man is an island" and I'm not either.

I need people. I need you.
Thank you.

Good afternoon {{{{{{{{{ADR}}}}}}}}}}}

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

AND What rebecca and graceanne said!

It's amazing how attached you can become to a name and "voice" online. I so admire you, Kayte and appreciate everything you've said to me... here and in private.
thank you.

 

[A Desert Rose]

ADR I wish I had eloquent words that would help, but I don't.
Everyone has made such good posts on differing aspects you haved faced and are facing.

When your back fighting fit, please don't go all soft on us and post pics of fluffy kittens and 's
Your so much better than that.

And despite what you asked for have some hugs {{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}

And a flower

God... I'm such an attention whore. LOL I don't mean to be... really. But I can promise you that I will NEVER get all soft and fluffy. It's so not my nature. And no one would recognize me if I did. ;-) How can I be an attention whore and not be recognized? They go hand in hand, after all. LOL

 

[kayte]

It's amazing how attached you can become to a name and "voice" online. I so admire you, Kayte and appreciate everything you've said to me... here and in private.
thank you.

Good morning {{{{{{ADR}}}}}}

Thank you for the compliment. I do so admire you; your strength, your caring along with your humor.

You know we are all here for you.

 

[graceanne]

Inside Your Mind and Sinn0cent send their best wishes.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Oh Snooze... thank you. You are such a fine Man to say that.



I've had chest pain and tachycardia. I have had horrible bursts of anger in public places... and contrary to what anyone here thinks, I don't do that normally. I don't lose my temper in public.

I've found myself reliving the experience with friends and family. Mostly, I think, in an effort to understand what happened and fill in the empty spots... the things I can't remember. But then I get anxious all over again.

yes, there's a lot to be said for this theory and thank you ever so much for this post, brioche. I think there's a lot to it. And I intend to read on this.



yes. This is really all about ego and you put it in perspective very well. Thank you, Grace. I need to feel I'm in control of something, even when in truth, I am not.



And again... you're right. I take care of people for a living - or did and plan to go back to that as soon as possible. "No man is an island" and I'm not either.

I need people. I need you.
Thank you.



It's amazing how attached you can become to a name and "voice" online. I so admire you, Kayte and appreciate everything you've said to me... here and in private.
thank you.

Well I surround myself with exceptional people, must just rub off lol.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I had a marvelous day. I played some backgammon with a friend. Later, I took some books to the bookstore and library. I did some laundry and I slept a while. cellis called me the other night and Des called me today. My daughter called and got into both her summer classes and is thinking seriously about moving in with me this summer. I hope she does.

I spoke with my boss today and told her that I would know more by Wedneday and she assured me - again - that I will have a job as soon as I'm able to come back to work.

The best part is that I found my mother an apartment, put down a deposit on it and she will be able to move in next week. And it's really close to me... about 2 miles. My brothers will be here next week to finish moving her.

I wanted to write something positive for a change. I want people to know that I am not all doom and gloom. Things were good today. Tomorrow will be better.




And Grace, tell InsideYourMind and sinn0cent, thank you. I've sure missed them here, as I'm sure many others have too.

 

[FurryFury]

This sounds great! Good for you!!!

*smiles*

Fury

 

[graceanne]

I had a marvelous day. I played some backgammon with a friend. Later, I took some books to the bookstore and library. I did some laundry and I slept a while. cellis called me the other night and Des called me today. My daughter called and got into both her summer classes and is thinking seriously about moving in with me this summer. I hope she does.

I spoke with my boss today and told her that I would know more by Wedneday and she assured me - again - that I will have a job as soon as I'm able to come back to work.

The best part is that I found my mother an apartment, put down a deposit on it and she will be able to move in next week. And it's really close to me... about 2 miles. My brothers will be here next week to finish moving her.

I wanted to write something positive for a change. I want people to know that I am not all doom and gloom. Things were good today. Tomorrow will be better.




And Grace, tell InsideYourMind and sinn0cent, thank you. I've sure missed them here, as I'm sure many others have too.

That is so awesome. *hugs* Nothing like having a good day to improve your mood. And having all your family close helps, too.

And I'll pass on the message - they aren't online much anymore.

 

[Mr. Mann]

I'm glad to hear you are having some good days along with the bad ones, ADR.

 

[kayte]

I had a marvelous day. I played some backgammon with a friend. Later, I took some books to the bookstore and library. I did some laundry and I slept a while. cellis called me the other night and Des called me today. My daughter called and got into both her summer classes and is thinking seriously about moving in with me this summer. I hope she does.

I spoke with my boss today and told her that I would know more by Wedneday and she assured me - again - that I will have a job as soon as I'm able to come back to work.

The best part is that I found my mother an apartment, put down a deposit on it and she will be able to move in next week. And it's really close to me... about 2 miles. My brothers will be here next week to finish moving her.

I wanted to write something positive for a change. I want people to know that I am not all doom and gloom. Things were good today. Tomorrow will be better.




And Grace, tell InsideYourMind and sinn0cent, thank you. I've sure missed them here, as I'm sure many others have too.

Good evening {{{{{{{{{{ADR}}}}}}}}

It thrilled me to read all of the good things that are happening. I am sure you are having some tiring things mixed in but it is so grand to hear of the positive ones too.

Leaving lots of positive energy and prayers hon!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

....
When that happens, I drink heavily and do lots of drugs.

PARTY AT ADR'S PLACE! WOOOOOT! *LOL*

and:

Things were good today. Tomorrow will be better.

*smiles wryly* I apologize for being notably absent in this thread before now, I had taken some much needed "me" time away from here and had missed this, ADR.

I am a cancer survivor for 2+ years now. And while my cancer was not life threatening, I've had two surgeries to date with a high probabilty that I will need more later on. God knows I understand the fear, the uncertainty, the self-doubt, the emotional outbursts. You are experiencing very normal, very human reactions.

Please don't beat yourself up.

If you feel like you need to be beat up, please, PRETTY PLEASE contact one of us sadistic types and let us do the beating for you! You'll feel better, WE would feel better... it's a win-win situation!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ADR}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

And please feel free to unload the shit here. Cyber dookie don't stink! *LOL*