Someone please help me out?

[pleasehelp]

Sorry Gianova, but I'm with Davy on this one. If please help follows his heart on this one, it's going to be broken, big time!

He's only 20, so I'm assuming that this girl is about the same age & already has a "tragic" past & multiple issues. So "tragic" & disturbing in fact that she has already repeated the same mistake she made the first time & within a matter of months.

MISTAKES???!!!!!
how is something you have absolutely no control over a mistake on her part?!!! stop blaming the victim of the act... its the assholes who did it, not her, regardless of any other circumstances-- it is always the raper, not the rapee who should be blamed for it

 

[Kinky-Princess]

I have to agree with what has already been said about just letting this go, at least just for now.

Try to maybe put your self out there in situation where there are people with common interests (maybe a history club or something like that if your college has them).

There are plenty of girls out there who really do like and look for the sweet nerdy type.
Trust me I know because I am one.

I know how much what your going through sucks though, I fell for one of my guy friends and It didn't work out. I feel your pain.

 

[pleasehelp]

I have to agree with what has already been said about just letting this go, at least just for now.

Try to maybe put your self out there in situation where there are people with common interests (maybe a history club or something like that if your college has them).

There are plenty of girls out there who really do like and look for the sweet nerdy type.
Trust me I know because I am one.

I know how much what your going through sucks though, I fell for one of my guy friends and It didn't work out. I feel your pain.

yeah im planning on lettign it go for now... im going to wait for her to contact me first, for a while anyways, so theres no pressure on her anymore
she said its not going to hurt our friendship any and i really hope shes right because I love what i do have with her....and as far as the future, im not so sure ill end up with anyone anyways
but wait, there really are girls out there who want nerdy guys like me? Im just not seeing them here i guess


if i do end up with her id be one of the luckiest guys in the world, if not, then at least i still have one the best friends anyone could ask for

 

[SweetErika]

yeah im planning on lettign it go for now... im going to wait for her to contact me first, for a while anyways, so theres no pressure on her anymore
she said its not going to hurt our friendship any and i really hope shes right because I love what i do have with her....and as far as the future, im not so sure ill end up with anyone anyways
but wait, there really are girls out there who want nerdy guys like me? Im just not seeing them here at umass i guess


if i do end up with her id be one of the luckiest guys in the world, if not, then at least i still have one the best friends anyone could ask for

Great plan, PH.

Look, it sounds like you and your friend are a lot like my husband and I (nerdiness, maturity, preferences, sexual experience, rape, and all). I met my guy at college, and while I only saw him as a friend at first, I decided to take a chance on dating a different kind of guy because he was so smart, kind, and respectful. In essence, I grew up and started to understand the kind of guy I typically gravitated to wasn't good for me in the least. That realization and chance has turned into over seven years of friendship, love, and great sex. He's still a loveable nerd (so am I, really), and everyone who knows him tells me what a catch he is (now we're 25 and 27, so a few years can make a huge difference).

I'm getting the impression some of your difficulty is due to (a) not getting out and meeting enough women; and (b) possibly looking at the wrong types of women. If the ladies you meet don't have similar interests, go join a group or get into activities where you'll get to know ones who like the same things. Practice your social, flirting, and dating skills! Even if your interactions don't lead to more, you'll be all the better for having the practice. There's a wealth of great advice in THIS THREAD that will likely help you.

Be a great friend and keep supporting this woman (it's sad there aren't more guys like you!), but work on meeting and dating others. No matter who you settle down with, you'll be thankful for the experience, and more serious relationships will likely be more successful because of it. Just don't sell yourself short by waiting for someone you may not even be a good relationship match with (it takes a lot from both sides even when you have a ton in common and operate similarly, trust me on that!).

Good luck, and have fun!

 

[LadyJeanne]

but wait, there really are girls out there who want nerdy guys like me? Im just not seeing them here at umass i guess

Yes there are girls like that. You can find them studying in the library. They're not the ones who go there to meet their friends and see who else is there. They're the ones who are by themselves, studying. If you're lucky, you might meet her at the vending machine in the hall, or the coffee shop downstairs.

They're the girls who have part time jobs in the chem lab or the bookstore, or organize study groups for history class, or volunteer to help out with campus events, or spend hours practicing cello in the music rooms, or work on student government committees or the school paper or radio station. If you participate in any of those interests, you might be lucky enough to meet one of those girls.

Look around - you'll find them.

 

[purrbaby]

but wait, there really are girls out there who want nerdy guys like me? Im just not seeing them here i guess

Aww... Listen to me. 90% of guys I've ever been attracted to were nerds of some sort. My fiance (love him to death) is a nerd. I think nerds are sexy, and I'm not the only one lol

Many many females however, don't get it. But, BUT, there are enough out there, that you'll find the perfect female, with a passion for nerds that will shame me lol

 

[M's girl]

i really dont think she is, especially since she talks about that sexual kinda stuff with me, i figure shed probably tell me...it just hurts that I finally meet someone I really like who at least likes me as a friend

I have not read all that was said here (sorry) but this reminded me of something. I once was friends with a guy I was not interested in sexually or for a relationship. We got along great on all other levels and indeed also hang out night and day during one summer. He did not sleep at my place but we spent lots of evenings (and nights) talking and listening to music and so. Then he would go home to sleep and come back the next morning and we would go out to do fun things together.

I had told him (not so blunt, but hinted and talked around it, you know) that I was not going to have a relationship (romantically/sexually) with him and he had even responded to me that that was not his intention either.

I felt safe and liked him even more for being such a good friend. Because I trusted him so much I felt also more at ease talking about more intimate stuff, maybe like I would do to a girl friend even.

Much later he confessed he was in love with me and was disappointed we had grown so close yet I did not want to take it to the next level. I thought I had been VERY clear about that, but obviously I wasn't.

Could it be that she just sees you as this very good friend? You said something about having asked her if there was a chance one day you two would have a relationship. My friend had hinted at that a few times too and I never was so blunt as to say "No way in hell" (even though that was what I was thinking: friends: super, but lovers? Never!). Maybe she is just being "nice" like I thought I was at the time.

Just a thought...

 

[Mr. Mann]

Dude.

Let me straight with you because you really deserve that.

There was a time in my life where I was in your position. I was told, by more than one young woman, "You're the kind of guy you marry, not the kind of guy you go out with."

Look... early on in my realtionships, it was all casual. Dating, having a good time, nothing serious... then I matured and began to want more serious relationships. I wasn't neccessarily wife shopping, but I was looking for romantic love and emotional intimacy in addition to everything else. I, too, tended to put women on a pedestal. I dunno... maybe it was too much romantic poetry, or something.

That's when I started getting the "but we are just friends" thing... I was wonderful at listening, and being there, and blabbedy blah blah... the late night phone calls.... helping them deal with "issues". I also began to sort of attract women with "issues".

Here are some things I learned the hard way.

1. You can't fix people. You can't save anybody. People need to fix themselves. Maybe you can help them do that. Maybe you can be part of their support system... but in the end, they have to do all the work. Be careful not to be an enabler.

2. If you ARE that "really good friend guy"... you'll never be "the one", not to them. You'll be the "in between guy"... but never the guy they end up with when they get back on their feet. They'll be uncomfortable with you because you'll have already seen them at their worst, not their best.

3. If you put all women on a pedestal, then it isn't special for them when they find themselves there. They want to be the ONLY WOMEN for whom you reserve that space. They want a good guy, but they want to be the only woman that you allow yourself to be vulnerable for, the only one that you are a good guy for, they want to be the only one who has such an effect on you that you turn into that "really good guy" just for them... BECAUSE of them. If you are like that for everybody... it isn't the same. Not at that age. Yes... older women will LOVE you because they will see it as a maturity. But the 20-something ladies aren't looking for someone whom they see as 10 years more emotionally mature than them. ESPECIALLY if they have "issues"... they'll always feel like they can't measure up. The "inequality" is too great.

4. Sensitivity is not a turn on. Not at first. If you BECOME sensitive for them... it can be a turn on... because it is special. But quiet nerdy guy with deep thoughts and emotional insight is not what gets the ladies on pins and needles wondering what you think about them. This doesn't mean you should be an ass. It just means that you should realize that a young woman is not at all likely to suddenly realize how great you are because youare just SOOOO NICE and RESPECTFUL and SENSITIVE.

5. Yong women don't make much sense, even to themselves, regarding affiars of the heart. It isn't a shortcoming on thier behalf. Heck... when it comes to love and romance, us guys don't make any sense to them either, I am sure. This is because the heart doesn't think... it FEELS. So through logic and intellectualization out the window. Perfect waste of time trying to THINK your way out of a FEELING problem,

Later... I really sort of gave up. I quit looking. It wasn't that I quit wanting a deep intimate relationship... I just quit looking for it and trying for it. I grew sort of aloof.... and I quit trying to "save" people. I bypassed anyone with "issues". I lived my life on my terms and if anyone wanted to join me, that was great. I didn't put up with BS games, women who didn't know who they were, or what they wanted. I sort of came into my own. ------ Then I began to be pursued by them in the same way that I wanted before.

It is almost a Zen thing... it'll come to you when you quit trying, and if you try to hold it.. it is like water, it'll squaeeze through your fingers.

I'm incredibly sorry for what your friend has been through. I applaud your efforts and desire to see her happy regardless of your own desires for yourself.

However.... if you can't distance yourself and it keeps tearing you up inside to be so close, yet not close enough... then you have just discovered the perfect codependent relationship.... loving someone who cannot, or will not, love you back.

That ain't good for YOU.

You'll find what you are looking for, but it will be a surprise when you do.

My two cents from my personal perspective - HTH - YMMV - No warranty expressed or implied. Offer not available in all states. Subject to availability. etc. etc. etc.

 

[pleasehelp]

Well we talked and things are a lot clearer now... shes just not ready for a relationship right now and doesnt think I am either (having a low self esteem and having been abused by a parent my whole life) . She said something along the lines of "you deserve someone better than I am right now", which I told her she was wrong and theres nothing wrong with her. She said that she wants to help me meet other girls because its not fair for me to wait when she doesnt even know if shell ever be able to recover enough from stuff in her past... And when I asked, when and if shes ready to start dating, if shed let me know, she said of course.

And our friendship seems to be going fine now, which is good... I really just dont think shes looking for a guy right now.. my roommate, who talks to her seperately sometimes, told me that she has told him exactly what she has told me even before she knew for sure that i like her, that she really isnt ready to date anyone right now... she also reccomended that since I have my own issues I should dont think about dating for a while and should instead just focus on myself and my issues... and shes been giving me advice on how to be more confident.. why would she do that?

When I told her that some of my friends said the stuff that some of you have been giving me for advice she said it couldn't be further from the truth and they dont know enough about her to know what they are talking about... When I flat out asked her if she was trying to let me off easy by not giving me a straight answer, she said of course not, and that she just cant tell anything about dating in general at this point in time... She also then called me handsome, smart, genuine, sweet, giving, but also "a nice guy" and apparently she thinks im so nice I shouldnt be wasting my time waiting for her to recover from her issues...

does this clear anything up at all? I really want to believe her at what shes saying... shes also told me its hard for her to trust people, even me sometimes, but she trusts me most out of a lot of people she knows....


Why is it so confusing?

 

[Mr. Mann]

According to your own words...

She has trust and intimacy issues.

She isn't ready for a realtionship right now.

Even if she were, she would not choose a relationship with YOU.

She has told you to quit wasting your time with her.

She is suggesting that you find someone else INSTEAD OF her.

Do the math.

 

[phoenix1224]

According to your own words...

She has trust and intimacy issues.

She isn't ready for a realtionship right now.

Even if she were, she would not choose a relationship with YOU.

She has told you to quit wasting your time with her.

She is suggesting that you find someone else INSTEAD OF her.

Do the math.

Someone should really write a book called "SHE'S Just Not That Into You".

 

[pleasehelp]

But how can I get her into me?

 

[phoenix1224]

But how can I get her into me?

You can't... There's absolutely NO way to "get" a person to change their feelings for you.

All you can do in this situation is 1) be who you are and 2) move on.

 

[justme1059]

my opinion

Ok sweetie, I know you are hurting, and hoping, and wishing, but realistically how long are you willing to wait time wise for this girl and put your life on hold?

It is definitely not her fault for all the bad things that happened to her, but you need to build yourself a bridge and get over her. Not fair to her or yourself to keep hanging on and wishing to be a boyfriend when she doesnt want one.

I think perhaps you might be latching onto her because this way you dont have to face rejection if you try and ask other girls out. The thing is you will never find the wonderful girl you were meant for unless you face rejection sweetie.

Don't mean to be so harsh, but I truly think you are worthy of more than what is going on with you and this girl.

 

[SweetErika]

But how can I get her into me?

You can't because she doesn't want to date you, and that thought will prevail in her mind. Work on yourself and dating skills with other women. In other words, out of respect for both of you, you need to move on.

 

[purrbaby]

Someone should really write a book called "SHE'S Just Not That Into You".

Absolutely...

 

[pleasehelp]

According to your own words...

She has trust and intimacy issues.

She isn't ready for a realtionship right now.

Even if she were, she would not choose a relationship with YOU.

She has told you to quit wasting your time with her.

She is suggesting that you find someone else INSTEAD OF her.

Do the math.

no thats sort of a twisting of what I said and the facts

 

[Eilan]

When I told her that some of my friends said the stuff that some of you have been giving me for advice she said it couldn't be further from the truth and they dont know enough about her to know what they are talking about...?

You're right. We don't know enough about her, not from a few posts on a message board. All we know is what you've told us.

 

[pleasehelp]

your right, and I am sorry... it just sort of is hard to describe fully

shes been calling me a lot lately... she called me hot last night but also said

"you remind me of my father so much sometimes"
is that a bad thing? she said it wasnt but it seems weird

 

[purrbaby]

your right, and I am sorry... it just sort of is hard to describe fully

shes been calling me a lot lately... she called me hot last night but also said

"you remind me of my father so much sometimes"
is that a bad thing? she said it wasnt but it seems weird

Well... It's said that if a woman had a good childhood, she'll marry a man like her father. So it's a good thing like that. Or she has a thing for her father. Just random guesses. I didn't sleep much last night, so I'm out of ideas. And I could be wrong either way. But, my opinion.

 

[pleasehelp]

Well... It's said that if a woman had a good childhood, she'll marry a man like her father. So it's a good thing like that. Or she has a thing for her father. Just random guesses. I didn't sleep much last night, so I'm out of ideas. And I could be wrong either way. But, my opinion.

lol thanks
well i mean the comment that I am a hottie and that i remind her of her dad were seperated by a good length of time, but she kept reminding me how much i remind her of her dad... its weird

and im really starting to believe her when she says shes not ready... shes been having a lot of panic attacks lately definately not ready

but when she was on a sedative, we talked about other stuff among other things, she called me handsome and I asked her if shes attracted to me because she also says her dads handsome so clearly theres a difference. And I had made her before to promise to always tell me the truth and never spare my feelings if thats what it comes down to, and she promised to it, and I trust her.... but anyways, then i asked her if shes attracted to me she said "im asexual right now... your handsome, but beyond that I cant tellyou anything because Im just not thinking of guys that way". When I asked her why Ive caught her checking guys out before if shes not attracted to them, she said "Its not that I am attracted to them, its that they're handsome... Ive checked you out like that before"

so shes basically just not into me?or?

Like I know she needs time alone and I think its good for her and she should do it but I just wish shed give me a clear answer about what shed think if she didnt need time to herself... is it possible she just doesnt know?

 

[HazyDavy]

Have you ever compared a woman to your mum? If you did, would it be likely that you were thinking of her romantically? I'll give you a clue... no.

The best thing you could do now is keep your distance for a couple of weeks. You're making this so easy for her- she is getting everything she wants- and it will all end in a lot of pain for you if you keep harbouring hopes that you will get together.

 

[SweetErika]

so shes basically just not into me?or?

Right.

I can see how it'd be very confusing to hear seemingly conflicting words from her. However, it doesn't matter if she thinks you're the greatest catch ever or would never, ever consider dating you because the bottom line is the same: she's not interested in more than a friendship, and would likely feel better if you didn't try to hang around waiting for her to become ready. She's not into you or anyone as more than a platonic friend right now, period.

Like I know she needs time alone and I think its good for her and she should do it but I just wish shed give me a clear answer about what shed think if she didnt need time to herself... is it possible she just doesnt know?

Buddy, she HAS given you a clear answer many times over! That answer is: I'm not dating you or anyone else and just want a good, platonic friendship with you, so please understand that, lay off, and pursue romantic relationships with other women. If I was in a different place, I might consider dating you, but I'm NOT there, and don't want to deal with the stress and other negative implications of going through 'what if' scenarios. Please enjoy our friendship and lay off the dating me stuff. I'll let you know if/when I'm ready to address it.

Put yourself in her type of situation: A female friend really likes and wants to date you, but you're not interested in dating right now for a variety of reasons. She's a great woman, attractive, smart, a wonderful friend, etc., and if you were in a place where you felt like you could handle a relationship, you *might* consider her a prospect. But you're not in that place and have told her as much. She keeps questioning your thoughts, feelings, and if she has/might have a chance. You've told her many times, and in many different ways exactly how you feel and that you're not even considering dating anyone at this point (and you don't know when you'll start to do so).

You've been clear, but she persists, and that starts to strain you and the friendship. You have enough to figure out and worry about; you're just trying to manage and take things one small bite at a time, and even that gets overwhelming. She tells you how she feels again and that she'll wait until you're ready, which feels like a ton of pressure and stress because you may never be ready, meet someone else, relationships change, and there's no guarantee you two are compatible even. You don't want this great friend to miss out on dating and possibly finding the true love of her life...you want her to be happy, and don't want the pressure of potentially being responsible for her heartache. You wish she'd get it and move on so you guys could just enjoy the friendship like you used to without all of this frustration and weight on it.

Now do you see where your friend is more or less coming from? Do you understand why it's crucial for you to accept her decision, drop it, and take the pressure off of her? In the state she's likely in (as I said, I've been there from what you describe), the stress from your persistence may be too much to handle. I'm sure you don't want her to suffer, so give her the gift of relief by letting it go and making a concerted effort to pursue other people.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Erika, you're totally right, but he doesn't want to hear it, and doesn't want to face the truth.

I've had guy friends like him before, and they never let it go. They always keep hoping and think if they keep hanging around that the woman will see the light and change her mind, even though she's been very clear about it. And then when she starts backing off the friendship because he's getting too hard to be around, or because she starts to feel that his 'friendship' with her is just about his attraction to her, or because he gets upset when she starts seeing someone else, they're heartbroken. And then they say she's a bitch and all women like jerks and nice guys finish last.

She's been very clear about not wanting a boyfriend relationship with him. He just doesn't want to hear it or accept it.

 

[pleasehelp]

Right.

I can see how it'd be very confusing to hear seemingly conflicting words from her. However, it doesn't matter if she thinks you're the greatest catch ever or would never, ever consider dating you because the bottom line is the same: she's not interested in more than a friendship, and would likely feel better if you didn't try to hang around waiting for her to become ready. She's not into you or anyone as more than a platonic friend right now, period.


Buddy, she HAS given you a clear answer many times over! That answer is: I'm not dating you or anyone else and just want a good, platonic friendship with you, so please understand that, lay off, and pursue romantic relationships with other women. If I was in a different place, I might consider dating you, but I'm NOT there, and don't want to deal with the stress and other negative implications of going through 'what if' scenarios. Please enjoy our friendship and lay off the dating me stuff. I'll let you know if/when I'm ready to address it.

Put yourself in her type of situation: A female friend really likes and wants to date you, but you're not interested in dating right now for a variety of reasons. She's a great woman, attractive, smart, a wonderful friend, etc., and if you were in a place where you felt like you could handle a relationship, you *might* consider her a prospect. But you're not in that place and have told her as much. She keeps questioning your thoughts, feelings, and if she has/might have a chance. You've told her many times, and in many different ways exactly how you feel and that you're not even considering dating anyone at this point (and you don't know when you'll start to do so).

You've been clear, but she persists, and that starts to strain you and the friendship. You have enough to figure out and worry about; you're just trying to manage and take things one small bite at a time, and even that gets overwhelming. She tells you how she feels again and that she'll wait until you're ready, which feels like a ton of pressure and stress because you may never be ready, meet someone else, relationships change, and there's no guarantee you two are compatible even. You don't want this great friend to miss out on dating and possibly finding the true love of her life...you want her to be happy, and don't want the pressure of potentially being responsible for her heartache. You wish she'd get it and move on so you guys could just enjoy the friendship like you used to without all of this frustration and weight on it.

Now do you see where your friend is more or less coming from? Do you understand why it's crucial for you to accept her decision, drop it, and take the pressure off of her? In the state she's likely in (as I said, I've been there from what you describe), the stress from your persistence may be too much to handle. I'm sure you don't want her to suffer, so give her the gift of relief by letting it go and making a concerted effort to pursue other people.

yeah I agree with you completely... thank you for showing it to me.... last thing I really want to do is put pressure on her and make her uncomfortable

Ive just been told by people everything from itll NEVER happen to I shouldnt even be friends with her, both of which I was dreading...
As far as my friendship with her, I am going to do whatever I can to be there for her and JUST a friend and know that is all we are.... until if/when it does come and itll come naturally, not from anything i do

thank you Sweet... I am so sorry to hear it happened to you but I am glad someone probably has a better idea of what shes thinking than some other people have, including my friends, pretended to