Someone please help me out?

[LadyJeanne]

As far as my friendship with her, I am going to do whatever I can to be there for her and JUST a friend and know that is all we are.... until if/when it does come and itll come naturally, not from anything i do

*shakes head*

Like I said, there are those guys who never let go; they just keep hoping no matter what.

Sweets, you're gonna get your heart broken if you don't step back from this relationship, get some perspective, and then go out and meet a girl that wants you to kiss her and who's heart will beat a little faster when you smile at her...

...or maybe you don't think you deserve to have that?

 

[pleasehelp]

*shakes head*

Like I said, there are those guys who never let go; they just keep hoping no matter what.

Sweets, you're gonna get your heart broken if you don't step back from this relationship, get some perspective, and then go out and meet a girl that wants you to kiss her and who's heart will beat a little faster when you smile at her...

...or maybe you don't think you deserve to have that?

see I believe her though... shes just not ready and it has nothing to do with me.. it could go either way... and in the meanwhile I still want to be her good friend while I try to find someone else

It just sucks though because women just hate me and i dont get it
I am so lonely

 

[SweetErika]

It just sucks though because women just hate me and i dont get it
I am so lonely

If your attitude is that women just hate you, I have no doubt you're lonely. How well do you react to someone when you get the feeling they don't like you? (You're cold and defensive, right?)

Change your attitude, don't whine or sing "poor, poor, pitiful me," be confident, and you'll find a lot of women like you.

 

[Xenolan]

You know what I think? I think she sees you as "safe".

You've told her, no doubt, that you intend to save yourself for marriage. She probably knows you well enough to know that those aren't just words, and that you really mean them.

You seem to think the world of this girl. I'm guessing, by what you've said, that you give her an ear when she needs to talk and that you're supportive and comforting to her. You're a stable presence in her unstable world.

BUT... the moment that things actually turn romantic between you, Mr. Safety is gone. All of a sudden, there is a potential for sex between you (even if it's honeymoon sex), but more than that, there is a much greater lowering of emotional barriers.

I hesitate to say "She's got you right where she wants you" because that would imply that she's stringing you along deliberately, and I don't think that's the case. The effect, however, is the same: you want what she can't give, but she can't bear to lose her emotional support column, so she tells you just enough of what you want to hear in order to keep you in that place.

And the real tragedy is that when she is ready to date again, she won't choose you, because that would render you "unsafe". She will instead embark on a more risky relationship that will probably fail, and then go back to you to cry about it.

Having read over your various posts, I am convinced that this is all you will ever be: the guy she relies on for emotional support. That's not love. It is need.

Furthermore, I can't help but wonder if you may be viewing her in a similar way. She is also "safe" in that deep down, you know you don't have to worry about taking this relationship to the next level. It's pretty clear to all who have read and responded that she is not going anywhere further with you than she has; it must on some level be clear to you as well. With this girl, you need never worry about the complexities of a romantic relationship; you can simply postpone indefinitely and say to yourself that you're waiting for the right time.

There is only one way that time will ever come, I think: if you both end the codependency. She's offered to do it, by setting you up with someone else, and I for one think you should take her up on it. Perhaps when she sees you with a curvy brunette on your arm, she'll realize that she's been a fool to let you slip away.

Love that risks nothing is worth nothing. You must be prepared to lose her if you're ever going to win her.

 

[pleasehelp]

well she didnt offer to set me up with anyone, just help me become find someone... no one specific


She told me last night when we were sorta teasing eachother that it was like I was her brother (shes an only child) or something... when I got really offended she started freaking out and told me again shes not ready to date, even though I didnt even really say anything about it... then begged me to find another girl because she "cant give me what im looking for beyond a friendship"... I totally understand all this and have told her so, so why does she keep talking about it? She then said that the very fact alone she hangs out with me and I am a straight guy means a lot.. apparently I am the only one she does hang out with whos straight or something... again though, why bring it up? i didnt say anything besides that I didnt want her to think of me like a brother


I just find it weird that only 3 months ago she was calling me her knight in shining armor and prince charming... she still has a nickname for me but its more cute than it is affectionate... what happened? how could someone change their view of you so much?? She has trust issues and told me once she trusted me and has since told me that she doesnt trust anyone but she trusts me more than most people... maybe on top of needing space shes scared because she does trust me and everyother time she trusted someone she got hurt?

She was also saying last night about kids and she made it seem like me and her being together in that way and I got confused
part of it too though is i was abused for 20 years and am slowly trying to recover so I keep going back and forth between if I even want to be with somone or not... but regardless, why is it so hard to meet women????

 

[pleasehelp]

You know what I think? I think she sees you as "safe".

And the real tragedy is that when she is ready to date again, she won't choose you, because that would render you "unsafe". She will instead embark on a more risky relationship that will probably fail, and then go back to you to cry about it.

Having read over your various posts, I am convinced that this is all you will ever be: the guy she relies on for emotional support. That's not love. It is need.

why is that all it would ever be if she was ready for a relationship? couldnt she get her life eventually stable enough where she wouldnt need my support? or why cant I support her while being more? its confusing

 

[purrbaby]

Okay time to put two more cents in...

Let me tell you about a friend of mine...

I grew up in a very very small town, there weren't many children. There were two boys my age that lived near me. One was a year older, the other a year younger. We'll call the older one Pat and the younger one Justin.

Pat was always around me, so was Justin. We were close, like brothers and sister. Because they were the only boys I knew, I had crushes on both of them at one time or another. We grew up, I moved away, and we keep in touch still.

Once we got into our teens Pat started making advances towards me. Nothing much, it was like he was testing the water. I started to notice this more and more. I found myself watching him, studying everything he was doing, trying to figure out why the way he acted with me had changed. He never had a real girlfriend, even though he could have. He asked me to prom even though I had made it clear I felt of him as a friend, a brother. Nothing more.

I realized he was in love with me, still is. No matter what I do I can't get him to move on. I've told him flat out, I'd never date him, I've talked to him about guys I've dated, and even now that I'm engaged he won't get the idea.

I've been nice to him, we grew up together, I have a bond with him and Justin I can't have with anyone else, I was an only child. So I won't cut ties with him. And I won't be mean in order to get my point across.

The point of this is, I love him very much, I'd never do anything to hurt him. But I don't love him the way he wants me to and I never will.

It's good that you have such a sense of devotion, it really is. But this girl just isn't into you. Believe me. If a girl is having problems but really does want you like that, she'll let you know because she won't want you to move on. She'll want you to know she's going through a hard time, to wait for her. And this girl seems like she's pulling you around.

You sound like you're still young, with a lot of life left. Don't waste your heart on someone that won't care for it the way you deserve it to be. You have an amazing power to devote yourself, so use it on someone who really is worthy.

 

[KinkyDaisy]

I was your girl. 5 years ago i became friends with a guy who sounds just like you. Was always there when i needed him anytime, anyplace, for anything didnt matter. I knew how he felt about me and spent a lot of time running from him when things would get too "hot" for me to handle.

I also have a history of rape/abuse and i think this may play into her feelings more than most people would think.

If you are willing .. just keep her a close friend. In the meantime .. dont stop pursuing your own happiness. What i mean is dont just sit and wait for her. Date .. live .. even try to love. Who knows? A little jealousy might do her some good. I think she may be comfortable feeling like you are not going to go find someone else.

Oh yeah about my "nice guy"... im with him now. After over 5 years of him chasing after me .. then patiently waiting for me to come back while i was running .. i discovered that there could be no greater love than his. He is my soul mate .. it just took me a long time to realize that.

Dont give up on her, hon. But dont let her walk on you either. Good luck Sweetie ..