Successful Monogamy

[Paul_Chance]

Part of the big challenge of toxic monogamy is the public perception fostered by our all encompassing media. I've brushed against it a couple of times. Though I am non-monogamous, I have been in monogamous relationships - yes, sometimes one person is a great fit.

The challenge comes, like toxic masculinity, when it gets carried to extremes. I read this article the other day on "micro-cheating". Apparently, if he or she is liking other peoples pictures on Instagram or Facebook, it's cheating.

Uh, no. Cheating is cheating.

Best of wishes re-entering the dating stream Cookie. I've actually found it's a lot easier as I've aged (I'm 59 now), in that most people by this age range already have learned a lot about relationships and have clearer expectations and generally speaking, are better at articulating them.

 

[Misshotndeep]

Part of the big challenge of toxic monogamy is the public perception fostered by our all encompassing media. I've brushed against it a couple of times. Though I am non-monogamous, I have been in monogamous relationships - yes, sometimes one person is a great fit.

The challenge comes, like toxic masculinity, when it gets carried to extremes. I read this article the other day on "micro-cheating". Apparently, if he or she is liking other peoples pictures on Instagram or Facebook, it's cheating.

Uh, no. Cheating is cheating.

Best of wishes re-entering the dating stream Cookie. I've actually found it's a lot easier as I've aged (I'm 59 now), in that most people by this age range already have learned a lot about relationships and have clearer expectations and generally speaking, are better at articulating them.

That is the stupidest article I have ever heard of. When you choose a partner or two it does not shut down your sex drive and make every other human ugly. What kinda dumb are they?

 

[Bramblethorn]

The challenge comes, like toxic masculinity, when it gets carried to extremes. I read this article the other day on "micro-cheating". Apparently, if he or she is liking other peoples pictures on Instagram or Facebook, it's cheating.

Uh, no. Cheating is cheating.

It's petty, and not my thing, but I can see where this might be coming from.

There are guys who will go through a woman's posts and "like" every revealing photo of her they can find, every post that talks about sexual topics. Past a certain point it stops being a "this is a nice photo!" thing and more of a "hey I want to bone you" thing.

If a couple have agreed they're not going to flirt with anybody else, and then one of them uses "likes" as a sneaky way of flirting with others, then it's not unreasonable to call that cheating.

 

[Paul_Chance]

It's petty, and not my thing, but I can see where this might be coming from.

There are guys who will go through a woman's posts and "like" every revealing photo of her they can find, every post that talks about sexual topics. Past a certain point it stops being a "this is a nice photo!" thing and more of a "hey I want to bone you" thing.

If a couple have agreed they're not going to flirt with anybody else, and then one of them uses "likes" as a sneaky way of flirting with others, then it's not unreasonable to call that cheating.

I'd agree with you - on the bolded sentence. Definitely something to discuss in the relationship - whether or not flirting is allowed and to what degree. Monogamy becomes toxic when there is no such agreement in place or the underlying discussion never happened. "It's just assumed" is the pathway to dysfunction in a relationship.

 

[cookiecat]

Part of the big challenge of toxic monogamy is the public perception fostered by our all encompassing media. I've brushed against it a couple of times. Though I am non-monogamous, I have been in monogamous relationships - yes, sometimes one person is a great fit.

The challenge comes, like toxic masculinity, when it gets carried to extremes. I read this article the other day on "micro-cheating". Apparently, if he or she is liking other peoples pictures on Instagram or Facebook, it's cheating.

Uh, no. Cheating is cheating.

Best of wishes re-entering the dating stream Cookie. I've actually found it's a lot easier as I've aged (I'm 59 now), in that most people by this age range already have learned a lot about relationships and have clearer expectations and generally speaking, are better at articulating them.

I have a few friends who chalk up their partner's porn watching as cheating. I'm all for sharing porn. Or the flip side -- why not let your partner have a few sexual secrets? I don't think every thought, every emotion, every desire has to be splayed out for dissection.

A little off tangent: I used to be super judgey about married folks using places like Lit or other online sites to flirt, sext around. That was until I found myself in a situation where I wasn't getting my sexual needs met. I used online chat to blow off some steam. I didn't want to physically cheat. But sometimes I just needed to talk about someone's cock in my pussy. Just for a few minutes. Was that cheating?? Where do you draw the line?

I suppose that subject could be another thread. Which I'm not willing to start. Just pondering out loud here.

Anyways. Thanks, Paul - I am getting more excited about the prospect of dating. Haha. Getting boned is more like it. It's been a while. But the dating part, too.

I'm not sure about other people -- my first foray in to dating was with someone who lied, gaslighted, acted half-assed. I didn't trust my gut (although I have great friends - I should've trusted Fara!)

So even though the potential boner (I'm the bonee, right??) might not be as amazing and astute as me, I need to remember I've learned a lot. Listen to my gut.

 

[Conager]

My view of monogamy is that it ought to hold the promise of mutually interesting sexy fun, or it ought not continue.

Making allowances for physical limitations and mental illness which I take seriously under the "in sickness and in health" clause, I think it is reasonable and proper for two people engaged in monogamy to expect sexual fulfillment.

It definitely is possible to achieve that. I can't imagine entering into a monogamous contract without being sexually enthralled. Who does otherwise, and why? If it started with strong sexual attraction and you two were sexually fulfilled at one time, what changed?

And don't hand me that crap about "growing in different directions." How could you possibly do that in any meaningful away in a short period of time while living under the same roof? It takes a minimum of benign neglect for weeks into months into years to truly be two different people.

You watched the other person board that southbound bus. What was it about that bus that you weren't willing to board or why did they not invite you along? Why would you yearn for the northbound bus and not spread put some Niagra Falls travel brochures to get them onboard?

Monogamy can wonderful, but it is cyclical. The next upswing is waiting, but you have to put effort, trust, and time to reconnect and build attraction again.

Both of you need to put effort into trying to be attractive to the other person. That's your job. That's your whole job in the relationship. How would you go about seducing the person in your bedroom if their presence in your bed was not a given.? Deciding that the other person hasn't earned it or doesn't deserve it is just cutting off your nose to spite your face. If nothing else it gets you more ready for the next relationship.

A lot of relationship dysfunction is a series of minor resentments that never needed to be resented. You occupy the same space. You're going to get in each other's way. You are going to annoy each other at some point. The next person isn't going to be any less annoying to cohabit with.

If the sex is really not recoverable, care enough for yourself and for them to end it as amicably as possible. If you are convinced that this is the case because your sidepiece tells you how much better you "deserve," you don't.

 

[yukonnights]

I have a few friends who chalk up their partner's porn watching as cheating. I'm all for sharing porn. Or the flip side -- why not let your partner have a few sexual secrets? I don't think every thought, every emotion, every desire has to be splayed out for dissection.

A little off tangent: I used to be super judgey about married folks using places like Lit or other online sites to flirt, sext around. That was until I found myself in a situation where I wasn't getting my sexual needs met. I used online chat to blow off some steam. I didn't want to physically cheat. But sometimes I just needed to talk about someone's cock in my pussy. Just for a few minutes. Was that cheating?? Where do you draw the line?

I suppose that subject could be another thread. Which I'm not willing to start. Just pondering out loud here.

Anyways. Thanks, Paul - I am getting more excited about the prospect of dating. Haha. Getting boned is more like it. It's been a while. But the dating part, too.

I'm not sure about other people -- my first foray in to dating was with someone who lied, gaslighted, acted half-assed. I didn't trust my gut (although I have great friends - I should've trusted Fara!)

So even though the potential boner (I'm the bonee, right??) might not be as amazing and astute as me, I need to remember I've learned a lot. Listen to my gut.

I'm on the side of; Even married/partnered people need some privacy in regard to their porn fantasies. Hey, sometimes we're so kinky it even embarrasses us, right? As in many things, there can be some risk involved if the 'porn fantasy' fuels a real world desire that is unhealthy. Is porn dangerous? I think it can be. But again, it really is up to each person to regulate their actions — and if porn makes me want to do something that would break the trust with my partner, then it's on me to throttle it back to a more healthy place. To me; a partner being threatened by porn falls into the "toxic monogamy" thing.

I'd follow this same view in regard to being on Lit. I don't view online chat flirting to be cheating. But, I have no intention of it ever being something real either. I enjoy growing close to them, even if they are in another country. I've made some amazingly meaningful acquaintances online. Usually, they all come to a point where there isn't anything more to say and so they just slowly fade. But they were fun and interesting while they lasted.

Gut talk is good — if you ever have a hard time hearing it, maybe a stethoscope

 

[yukonnights]

Now I have to say; 'I like this. Well said."

My view of monogamy is that it ought to hold the promise of mutually interesting sexy fun, or it ought not continue.

Making allowances for physical limitations and mental illness which I take seriously under the "in sickness and in health" clause, I think it is reasonable and proper for two people engaged in monogamy to expect sexual fulfillment.

It definitely is possible to achieve that. I can't imagine entering into a monogamous contract without being sexually enthralled. Who does otherwise, and why? If it started with strong sexual attraction and you two were sexually fulfilled at one time, what changed?

And don't hand me that crap about "growing in different directions." How could you possibly do that in any meaningful away in a short period of time while living under the same roof? It takes a minimum of benign neglect for weeks into months into years to truly be two different people.

You watched the other person board that southbound bus. What was it about that bus that you weren't willing to board or why did they not invite you along? Why would you yearn for the northbound bus and not spread put some Niagra Falls travel brochures to get them onboard?

Monogamy can wonderful, but it is cyclical. The next upswing is waiting, but you have to put effort, trust, and time to reconnect and build attraction again.

Both of you need to put effort into trying to be attractive to the other person. That's your job. That's your whole job in the relationship. How would you go about seducing the person in your bedroom if their presence in your bed was not a given.? Deciding that the other person hasn't earned it or doesn't deserve it is just cutting off your nose to spite your face. If nothing else it gets you more ready for the next relationship.

A lot of relationship dysfunction is a series of minor resentments that never needed to be resented. You occupy the same space. You're going to get in each other's way. You are going to annoy each other at some point. The next person isn't going to be any less annoying to cohabit with.

If the sex is really not recoverable, care enough for yourself and for them to end it as amicably as possible. If you are convinced that this is the case because your sidepiece tells you how much better you "deserve," you don't.

 

[emcwolf13]

I agree that, as with any other interpersonal relationship, monogamy can be toxic. It's important to realize that things can go south with any relationship, but in a healthy one - regardless of the number of people involved - you and your partner(s) are ideally working together to resolve and work through issues as they come up.

Personally, I could not emotionally handle non-monogamy. It's just not how I work, and my Dom and I have been clear about our intentions and exclusivity from the start. We both support each other as best we can, but we also have our own separate networks of supportive friends/family to turn to. I think the main issues with monogamy arise when the partners try to do everything in an insular way, instead of realizing and accepting that we as humans need support from a variety of sources. That need doesn't mean your main support person is inadequate or you're being too needy, it's just how we're built.

I also don't see anything inherently wrong with ethical non-monogamy. It's not for me, but that doesn't automatically make it bad/morally questionable/etc. Being poly or mono is like most kink stuff: if it's SSC, live & let live.