The Advantages of Being Single

[carsonshepherd]

You just don't want the BF to know about your Xandria orders. Confess!

Oh, he knows. Believe it

 

[ElizabethWest]

Oh, he knows. Believe it

Oh, is this why you're no longer on the "I didn't get laid today" thread?

 

[SeaCat]

I am going to reiterate how completely unimpressed I am with the problems of the coupled here.

With the exception of cloudy. She does have something to bitch about.

RG,

There are one or two others here who are in the same boat as Cloudy, for them I have the deepest, no not sympathy, but respect. I know I wouldn't be able to last in that type of situation, I would end up in prison for murder.

As for the others, it is not my place to judge them or their relationships. I have enough on my hands keeping mine going. (Yes it is a lot of work but like anything else worth doing, it is well worth the effort for me.)

Cat

 

[SeaCat]

That's really great cat, mirrors my own experiences for most of the twnty years of my marriage. But fuck fuck fuck -- don't ever make the mistake of getting complacent. People's personalities and needs can change beyond all recognition over time. The secret, which it looks like you've both figured out, is talking and listening. And not holding on too tight to the past.

Joe,

You are right about a persons needs and personalities changing. That's what makes my marriage such a challenge. The way we were brought up was completely different. Our life experiences before we met were almost diametricly opposite. Maybe that's what attracted us to each other, we were so different.

As for holding on to the past, I once heard a statement which I thought was great. "Remember the past, look to the future, but live for today."

Cat

 

[SeaCat]

One of my favorite things about being single is this:

People are nicer to people they aren't married to.

When I'm feeling nostalgic for the relative security of marriage, I'll overhear a couple arguing in the supermarket or someplace, about brands of dog food, or whose turn it was to pick up the cleaning; something so minor that it can't possibly account for the insulting tone, the hurt feelings, the casual contempt or even obvious loathing, that no sane adult would ever dream of unleashing on a person they weren't married to.

Then I remember, and I'm relieved.

I too have seen this and can never understand it. It ranks number two on my list of things married couples do which annoy the hell out of me. Number one is treating/acting like ones spouse/partner is a possesion. My wife, H, is not just my partner, she is my equal as I am hers. Oh sure there are things I do better than her, just as there are things she does better than me. Isn't that normal when you put two people together?

Another thing a lot of couples seem to get into is acting like the other is bone simple. Huh? If they're so stupid then why would they want to marry them? (Abusers and controll freaks not included here. They are a whole nother subject.)

Cat

 

[rgraham666]

I think one of the biggest problems in relationships is that they stop being, or never were, relationships of affection, but relationships of power.

All the nastiness is dominance rituals designed to lower the status and power of the other person.

One of these days were going to stop being apes and start being human. Not holding my breath though.

 

[cloudy]

I think one of the biggest problems in relationships is that they stop being, or never were, relationships of affection, but relationships of power.

All the nastiness is dominance rituals designed to lower the status and power of the other person.

One of these days were going to stop being apes and start being human. Not holding my breath though.

Sure you've not been spying?

The relationship I'm in at the moment (and I'm using the term very, very loosely) is all about power and ownership. I hate to admit it, but as a coping mechanism, I've gotten very good at passive aggression - drives him nuts.

 

[SeaCat]

I think one of the biggest problems in relationships is that they stop being, or never were, relationships of affection, but relationships of power.

All the nastiness is dominance rituals designed to lower the status and power of the other person.

One of these days were going to stop being apes and start being human. Not holding my breath though.

Some of us have evolved from animals, some of us never evolved.

Cat

 

[rgraham666]

Sure you've not been spying?

The relationship I'm in at the moment (and I'm using the term very, very loosely) is all about power and ownership. I hate to admit it, but as a coping mechanism, I've gotten very good at passive aggression - drives him nuts.

We humans are as adaptable as rats. Although rats often show a higher level of restraint and ethics.

Cloudy, we do what we must to survive, both physically and psychologically. It will be over soon.

 

[rgraham666]

Further to the power theme, one of the biggest problems with English is that it has only one word for 'my'.

'My' could be 'my' car. This is a relationship of ownership. I can swear at my car, not look after it, even take a sledgehammer to it if I wish. These actions wouldn't wouldn't be evil things to do, just really, really stupid.

'My' could be the 'my' of 'my' spouse. This is a relationship of responsibility and affection. I cannot swear at my spouse, I have to look after them, I can never take a sledgehammer to them. To do so would be evil.

But many people get the 'my's mixed up. That's when the problems really start. Plus I, personally, cannot see myself falling in love with a car.

 

[brightlyiburn]

I am going to reiterate how completely unimpressed I am with the problems of the coupled here.

Speaking seriously here, I got away from my previous relationships for good reasons. Both sexual and emotional abuse are definately good reasons. Being lied to, cheated on, unappreciated. I had one boyfriend who used to tell me he wanted to hit me and probably would have eventually, if I hadn't put a quick stop to that.
I've avoided all relationships, even platonic, for awhile now. I'm sick of being lied to and stabbed in the back. I'm sick of emotionally abusive co-dependant dumbasses who are so scared of being alone. And people keep telling me I've just met the wrong people. I keep getting the "Oh, not everyone is like that" line. I have yet to see any proof, however.

 

[NoJo]

Maybe the compromises you'd have to make as a couple are not worth it for you right now.

That's completely understandable, and pretty common. Your priorities may or may not change later on, but right now, I'd imagine you're doing the right thing not rushing into a relationship.

 

[shereads]

I too have seen this and can never understand it. It ranks number two on my list of things married couples do which annoy the hell out of me.

I understand it; not to say that I don't abhor it. When someone is bound to you, not necessarily by the oath of marriage but by a shared household, it's easy to take them for granted. If you're in a lousy mood and you take it out on a friend, you risk losing a friend. With a live-in lover, the complications of leaving compel people to put up with things they otherwise would not. Add marriage vows, assuming you meant them when you said the words, and toss-in the other things that bind couples together even when love is in tatters - the shared mortgage and other financial obligations, a reluctance to disappoint two families, children, the fear of starting over - and it takes a lot to make someone so miserable that they'll leave. Whether it's simple rudeness or open resentment, one or both partners can become a captive audience for the worst aspects of each other's character.

Except for the sake of children, I'm not much of a believer in marriage. In too many cases, it seems to bring out the worst in both people.

If an exit strategy is essential when starting a job, it's probably smart to have one before combining two households and planning a shared future.