The AH Coffee Shop and Reading Room 09

[NotWise]

The story is fine. I immediately thought it could be an Amorous Goods tale. It was her phrasing that was a bit odd, but I suppose someone from 1870 Japan wouldn't have much of a chance to hear a lot of English.

Thanks. As long as you understood what she said, cheezy is probably okay. I wanted to give her a distinctive voice, so I borrowed from Japanese. It's fairly easy to use singular nouns and omit the articles (though they keep sneaking back in). The challenge is with using the subject-object-verb sentence structure.

 

[Agent0069]

Finally some storm! I was going to go insane from the heat.

And that storm marks a full week since my last story got posted too. I expected it to do badly, but I was bracing for 1-star reviews or angry comments, instead it has nearly 8k views, but only 11 votes, and a very lonely comment.

Kinda wish there were a heat map or something showing how far readers got, otherwise I can only guess what made readers click away. Is it the disclaimer? Some specific scene? Is the story just generally not engaging? Go figure!

Maybe I should wait for contest to end and post the story in “feedback” forum - so it would not look like I’m trying to gain additional votes through unsportsmanlike behaviour…

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thanks. Is it the story that seems cheezy, or her phrasing?

That was my thought - her phrasing grated with me. Japanese are literate too.

 

[Duleigh]

Good morning, After a long evening of rain, my lawn looks... greenish. Finally. It was a magical rain (the power never went out). The swales are full and it looks like we have little babbling brooks crisscrossing the village.

The coffee is on, it's hot and ready.

 

[Duleigh]

The story is fine. I immediately thought it could be an Amorous Goods tale. It was her phrasing that was a bit odd, but I suppose someone from 1870 Japan wouldn't have much of a chance to hear a lot of English.

I speak to a lot of people overseas on the HF radio, and the way a sentence is constructed in other languages is very often different than in English. They will get the words right, they'll be in an odd order and phrasing will be different. It lends an air of authenticity.

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Woke up to a cool morning with dew on the grass, which has managed to return to green after being brown for awhile. My cup of Earl Grey is much appreciated this morning. I've left the pot on the back burner for anyone who needs some of their own ...

 

[Rob_Royale]

Got home after helping my son move, last night around eight. Sore as hell this morning. Heading for the medicine cabinet.

 

[Cindy027]

The female protagonist is Geisha Shizu, a 150-year-old Japanese ghost who inhabits an antique photograph. This excerpt is her short story of how she came to be there:



Is this total gibberish, or do you think readers might follow it?

I thought it difficult to read (I had to read it a couple of times), I am sure there are easier ways to do broken english but it's just my opinion.

 

[NotWise]

I thought it difficult to read (I had to read it a couple of times), I am sure there are easier ways to do broken english but it's just my opinion.

That quotation was my deepest dive into using Japanese phrasing. I'll probably just back that out a little and keep it under control in the rest of the story. She needs a unique voice, but readers need to be able to follow what she says.

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

The female protagonist is Geisha Shizu, a 150-year-old Japanese ghost who inhabits an antique photograph. This excerpt is her short story of how she came to be there:



Is this total gibberish, or do you think readers might follow it?

I followed it... I don't speak Japanese, but it is a beautiful language. Lots of immigrants never quite master the English language. Russians don't use a, an, the, to... Germans tend to do a bit of Yoda speaking in English, with the order of their thoughts and pronouncing Ws and Vs the same. Vernerbol, in German, ends up as Vonderful, in English. And, of course, the Japanese have an issue with Ls in English, and the other Eastern language speakers don't. Why, you ask? All other Asian languages have the L sound in their native tongues. It is easier to write by saying they speak broken English rather than typing it that way. Kudos for the effort.

Edit: Thank you, @TarnishedPenny, for not imbrassing me in public.

 

[MrPixel]

Germans ... pronouncing Ws and Vs the same.

Slightly different than what I was taught... 'W' pronounced as a hard 'V', 'V' softer, more like an 'F'.

 

[theWollstonecraftWoman]

But my point is that in English, it's all just a V to our ears, soft f or hard v. The difference is minor to our ears; it just isn't a w to us if they say it before they've learned phonetic sounds for the words.

 

[Rustyoznail]

That quotation was my deepest dive into using Japanese phrasing. I'll probably just back that out a little and keep it under control in the rest of the story. She needs a unique voice, but readers need to be able to follow what she says.

Oh, I understand the need to give her a unique voice, but to me, she sounds like an extra out of McHales Navy. You've got roughly 50/50 split on reactions, so how you finally decide will be interesting.

 

[Agent0069]

Golden sunsets are beautiful this time of year. One good thing about living close to the beaches.

 

[NotWise]

Oh, I understand the need to give her a unique voice, but to me, she sounds like an extra out of McHales Navy. You've got roughly 50/50 split on reactions, so how you finally decide will be interesting.

For what it's worth, this is their first exchange:

“Are you well, Soto-sama?”

“Of course I’m well,” Hector said, but he wasn’t. His heart pounded. Maybe he’d become like one of those crazy people on the street talking to someone only they could see. “Who are you?” he asked.

“Geisha Shizu, Soto-sama.”

“How can you speak English?”

“I don’t speak English, Soto-sama. Perhaps English you hear.”

“I’ve gone fuckin’ crazy.”

Shizu seemed a little offended. She cocked her head and said, “You seem sane, Soto-sama.”

“Then how can you be here? You’re an ‘allucination. You’re a dream.”

“Thank you, Soto-sama, but I have been with you for many year.”

“Well, yeah.” Hector gestured to the picture on the shelf. “In a picture. In a frame. Why are you here, talking to me now?” It was hard to keep saying that she wasn’t real. He felt her warmth. He inhaled her scent.

“You haven’t needed me before, Soto-sama.”

Hector slouched in his chair. He needed something. “Can Geisha Shizu teach an old dog new tricks?”

“Soto-sama has dog?” Shizu seemed puzzled, and Hector laughed despite himself.

“No. It’s a turn of an old saying,” Hector said. “Can Geisha Shizu go away? I need to think.”

“Yes, Soto-sama.” Shizu vanished, and Hector stayed.

I'll probably keep close to this style: omit the articles, use singular nouns, and flip the object and the verb only when it isn't too much.

 

[Rustyoznail]

That's good.

 

[litfan10]

Sitting in my reading chair facing the backyard enjoying a cup of green tea and listening to the birds.
Yesterday for the first time since mid December I stepped outside of my house. Let's just say it was an incredibly painful experience but I'm doing it again today and probably tomorrow, then the next day....
Have a great day everyone. Peace, love and happiness.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Sitting in my reading chair facing the backyard enjoying a cup of green tea and listening to the birds.
Yesterday for the first time since mid December I stepped outside of my house. Let's just say it was an incredibly painful experience but I'm doing it again today and probably tomorrow, then the next day....
Have a great day everyone. Peace, love and happiness.

️‍

Etc. Well done

 

[litfan10]

️‍

Etc. Well done

Thanks. I want to return on a part time basis to teaching again so I have to be able to move and I'd rather it wasn't with a wheelchair. I have two months to build my pain tolerance.

 

[litfan10]

Nope, my feet were screaming way too much when I tried to put my moccasins on. I can't risk cutting my feet so barefoot outside isn't a great option. I'll just take my trusty rollator for a couple laps around the house. Pathetic, but it's something.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Thanks. I want to return on a part time basis to teaching again so I have to be able to move and I'd rather it wasn't with a wheelchair. I have two months to build my pain tolerance.

Eh, don't knock wheelchairs. Better to go out and get to do stuff with a wheelchair rather than not doing it or suffering consequences from overdoing it. Also means you have a guaranteed seat with you and can blag special treatment - but have to ensure you wear clothing that says "don't even think about patronising me".

Good luck building up the walking tolerance, though. Been there, done that. I was amazingly sad when my local supermarket closed their cafe recently. I spent about 8 months walking to it (it's less than a 5 minute walk for a fit adult, took me nearly an hour the first time), resting for an hour or so, then heading home again.

 

[MillieDynamite]

My writing production went to shit today. Don't know why, but just couldn't get inspired. I have to rewrite the latest chapter in my Sam and Kim story, as it just sucks. There was too much about their wedding, and things got out of hand on my antagonist's downfall, possibly happening too fast in the story. Not sure. My outline didn't have the wedding. It jumped past it to the honeymoon, and I think that might be best. Anyway, I need to get back to it, but I better cook for my wife and kid before they run out to MickeyDs on me.

EDIT: Turns out Jo's grilling burgers for us. I feel so loved.

 

[MrPixel]

Been tryin' make the submission window on my second Nude Day story, but like Millie it's just not happenin'. Involved and fun, but when you have nine characters all getting into some sort of trouble (fun trouble) both within and outside of the clan, things get tangled pretty quickly. My first ND story was in LW. Score's been hammered as anything in LW is going to be, but when I add my 1.5-star fudge factor for the category, it's doing quite well. The handful of comments have been consistently positive and gratifying.

C and I are at our cabin, departing the morning of the 4th to let the resort rent it for Thu-Sun. The 4th is a big deal for the resort and attracts a crowd with their fireworks presentation. We normally let them have it the entire week of the 4th (revenue), but tomorrow is our 35th wedding anniversary and we wanted to celebrate it here.

It's been lightning, thunder, and heavy rain for the past five hours. I enjoy summer storms. Dog is not fazed by either thunder or fireworks. Yes, he's still with us, but on probation at this point after making some adjustments. Drive home will bear heavily on his fate.

 

[litfan10]

Eh, don't knock wheelchairs. Better to go out and get to do stuff with a wheelchair rather than not doing it or suffering consequences from overdoing it. Also means you have a guaranteed seat with you and can blag special treatment - but have to ensure you wear clothing that says "don't even think about patronising me".

Good luck building up the walking tolerance, though. Been there, done that. I was amazingly sad when my local supermarket closed their cafe recently. I spent about 8 months walking to it (it's less than a 5 minute walk for a fit adult, took me nearly an hour the first time), resting for an hour or so, then heading home again.

Hey KQQ. Thanks for this. Don't get me wrong I appreciate wheelchairs. I mostly use a rollator with a seat, but when the pain is too much I do have a wheelchair.

What I meant is I feel a wheelchair is not ideal for my teaching style. I am an energy bunny and fear a wheel chair would be too restricting and too distracting. Before my "forced retirement" I tried using my rollator and it sucked.

Good for you building yourself back. I appreciate how hard that can be. You have my respect.

Peace, love and happiness to you and yours.

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Expecting some serious storms later today but right now it's a beautiful morning. I will need to go get some more bird food today. The teapot is hot and on the back burner if anybody wants a cuppa.