The Literotica Bulwer-Lytton thread.

[PennyThompson]

Are they babes, or fusion reactors?

Listen, after you've been on a six month stint at McMurdo with nothing to look at but the cook and the mechanic, those fusion reactors start to look pretty good — so smooth, so warm, so magnetically active!

(This is both a reply and a stand-alone B-L submission )

 

[Actingup]

Listen, after you've been on a six month stint at McMurdo with nothing to look at but the cook and the mechanic, those fusion reactors start to look pretty good — so smooth, so warm, so magnetically active!

Finally, this album is making perfect sense. Thanks Penny.

View attachment 2512297
(edit - It was an album cover from Roger Waters Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking - apparently removed because of nudity)

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Listen, after you've been on a six month stint at McMurdo with nothing to look at but the cook and the mechanic, those fusion reactors start to look pretty good — so smooth, so warm, so magnetically active!

They’re even 1/2 wet - hydrogen for fuel is 1/2 of water, after all!

 

[PennyThompson]

Finally, this album is making perfect sense. Thanks Penny.

View attachment 2512297

I have no idea what that means... I reverse-image-searched the album cover and listened to the first three tracks, and I think I know even less now

 

[Actingup]

I have no idea what that means... I reverse-image-searched the album cover and listened to the first three tracks, and I think I know even less now

It's a complex album from a clever but thoroughly miserable man. Wikipedia says:

"The concept was originally envisioned by Waters in 1977 and refined in the early 1980s. In its completed form, it rotates around a man's scattered thoughts during his midlife crisis. These are explored on a dream journey during which he takes a road trip through California, commits adultery with a hitchhiker he picks up along the way, attempts to reconcile with his wife by moving to the wilderness, and finally ends up alone but with greater insight into a common human compassion. Along the way he also faces other fears and paranoia.

The entire story is framed in real time as a fitful dream taking place in the early morning hours of 4:30:18 am to 5:12:32 am on an unspecified day. At the end of the dream, the man wakes up lonely and contrite and turns to his real wife for comfort, presumably having processed his crisis."

There's a review here. Pink Floyd were one of the biggest bands in the world then (and still are in the 'classic rock' sense now), so when this (vinyl) album by their main songwriter and its uncensored cover hit the record stores, it had an impact. For what it's worth, I don't like it very much, but I haven't given it much time and attention. It does seem very appropriate for Literotica in general and interpreting @Publius68's Antarctic fever dream though!

 

[Publius68]

God damn this thread!
I’m sitting here, desperately trying to re-write a chapter of my current Alistaire series that has been eluding me for weeks. I get a little momentum going, and I suddenly realize I am trying to write every fucking sentance like it is a Bulwer-Lytton entry!

 

[PennyThompson]

God damn this thread!
I’m sitting here, desperately trying to re-write a chapter of my current Alistaire series that has been eluding me for weeks. I get a little momentum going, and I suddenly realize I am trying to write every fucking sentance like it is a Bulwer-Lytton entry!

Just sprinkle some periods in there and it'll be fine

 

[Actingup]

God damn this thread!
I’m sitting here, desperately trying to re-write a chapter of my current Alistaire series that has been eluding me for weeks. I get a little momentum going, and I suddenly realize I am trying to write every fucking sentance like it is a Bulwer-Lytton entry!

See if you can get one of Al's Professors to teach him about the history of the contest?

 

[PennyThompson]

Megan was pretty proud of her Slutty Nurse costume as she headed out the door for a night of Sexy Trick-or-Treating, but she soon wished she had gone with Slutty Homeowners Association Board Member when she realized just how fucked her plans were because of the neighborhood rules forbidding yard decorations and holiday lights.

 

[Actingup]

Megan was pretty proud of her Slutty Nurse costume as she headed out the door for a night of Sexy Trick-or-Treating, but she soon wished she had gone with Slutty Homeowners Association Board Member when she realized just how fucked her plans were because of the neighborhood rules forbidding yard decorations and holiday lights.

"Hell of a way to resurrect a thread," he thought, as he wandered down the street, reading erotic fora on his phone while absent-mindedly closing the semi-naked women on the pop-up ads, heedless of the curious glances of the passers-by, some of whom were admittedly wearing less than the women in the advertisements.

 

[redgarters]

My uncle Morgan's talents as a ventriloquist were limited, but he still made my older sister laugh every time he let her pet the frog he kept in his pants pocket and made it say 'rubit rubit'.

 

[PennyThompson]

Having an hour at home alone, Thom decided to hop onto the home computer to rub one out, only to stare in growing horror as the Literotica login page auto-filled a username and password not his own.

 

[yowser]

It was a stark and foamy knight, and I knew that if I just persisted, his loins would yield their divine essence to me, undeserving as I was, although he had been away so long battling for God and country on the fields of Flanders, and the manor lands now so neglected in his absence, but perhaps he would forgive my tresspasses, and my unholy dalliances with so many of the other local gentry while he had been away, although the thought of their mighty weapons of wanton love did indeed distract me from my own master’s insistent thrustings, for which, indeed, I was most grateful for.

 

[StillStunned]

Having an hour at home alone, Thom decided to hop onto the home computer to rub one out, only to stare in growing horror as the Literotica login page auto-filled a username and password not his own.

"WantToPegHim2025".

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

Having an hour at home alone, Thom decided to hop onto the home computer to rub one out, only to stare in growing horror as the Literotica login page auto-filled a username and password not his own.

And since it's almost Halloween...

A bead of sweat formed on his brow as dread filled his heart as who it had to be dawned on him; he'd been so careful, there was no way, he'd left her behind, moved three times to obscure the path - she'd been dead for five years, and he was the only one who knew where she was buried.

 

[SimonDoom]

Mighty hunter Dex Wintergreen spat wads of tobacco to the ground, insolently but quietly, as he slinked stealthily among the trees and stone, the pre-dawn air chill in his face like the slap of a grape popsicle, cradling the high-powered rifle at his side like a new-born baby, knowing that his dangerous prey was close, until a figure in khaki Dockers shorts suddenly faced him, responding to his query, "The pandas, I've come for the pandas, where are they," with a weary, "Zoo's closed, bub."

 

[SimonDoom]

"I'll have the usual," I told her smugly, sitting back in my chair, looking forward to a glorious blow job and recalling that long-ago weekend in Mykonos where the women pranced on the beach like sun-burned deer and the blow jobs flowed like cheap ale on tap at a Liverpool pub, until she pulled out the electric clippers and I remembered that I was sitting in a Clips-4-U waiting to get a haircut.

 

[yowser]

Mighty hunter Dex Wintergreen spat wads of tobacco to the ground, insolently but quietly, as he slinked stealthily among the trees and stone, the pre-dawn air chill in his face like the slap of a grape popsicle, cradling the high-powered rifle at his side like a new-born baby, knowing that his dangerous prey was close, until a figure in khaki Dockers shorts suddenly faced him, responding to his query, "The pandas, I've come for the pandas, where are they," with a weary, "Zoo's closed, bub."

85 words total
4 adverbs
10 verbs (including gerunds)
2 metaphors (one contorted)
1 instance of alliteration
1 comma that should have been a question mark

5 stars, yowser sez finish the damn story.

 

[SmilingLez]

They met at a dingy dive bar, both drinking cheap whiskey; no words, just the weight of silence; both knowing this was just another false start, another lie they told themselves before walking away.

 

[SimonDoom]

A reminder: The fundamental rule of the Bulwer-Lytton Contest is that it has to be ONE SENTENCE. It can be a ridiculous, contrived sentence, with absurd use of punctuation to preserve the sentence beyond good grammatical sense. But it's one sentence.

 

[NaughteeDragon]

Alas, though I am surrounded by stale smoke and cheap bourbon, I continue to argue that we are men of class and taste meant to determine the fate of millions and command the wealth of billions for we are the last true men of vision; the last of the strong, the powerful, the men of might- yet I cannot help but wonder why it is that I feel so out of place and that my bum is sore and my jaw aches as I look up at these other men as one says to me, “Aye, lass.”

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

A reminder: The fundamental rule of the Bulwer-Lytton Contest is that it has to be ONE SENTENCE. It can be a ridiculous, contrived sentence, with absurd use of punctuation to preserve the sentence beyond good grammatical sense. But it's one sentence.

Updated my hijacking of @PennyThompson accordingly. Have to admit, I've worked so hard over the past few months to clean up my run-on sentences, that hurt a little...

 

[Actingup]

Having an hour at home alone, Thom decided to hop onto the home computer to rub one out, only to stare in growing horror as the Literotica login page auto-filled a username and password not his own

"WantToPegHim2025".

“Little brother?” gasped Thom, as he realised just who he had been crushing on ever since his sibling’s eighteenth birthday, the one where they shared that intimate look but sprung away from each other when then accidentally touched, because while wrestling on the lounge room floor was fine and expected, tender touches were most certainly not.

 

[Rob_Royale]

I'd have to say these are my worst, but I'm not ashamed of either. I do try to get the reader's interest early so I trey to set the scene or set the plot hooks quickly.

From Boldly Cumming - Jason's first conscious thought was, 'Oooowww.'
From From Famine to Feast - Does losing one's virginity at twenty-two seem late to you?

 

[electric1]

I've read quite a few books about fiction writing, and there's always the advice to never use adverbs.

I honestly think the overall quality of Literotica could be increased 20% by simply banning the word "slowly."