The Mega Super Ultra Relationship Advice Thread!

[Rosie_Riveter]

Pointless trouble's what I'm all about, son.

*Tips hat, spins six shooter, and rides off on large horse*

I hope you don't mind my saying this but I adore you from afar. You crack me up.

 

[Keroin]

I hope you don't mind my saying this but I adore you from afar. You crack me up.

Your $5 is in the mail.

 

[where]

Of course every relationship is unique and that's exactly the point of that piece of advice. You want to find someone who works well with you. To do that, you need to employ some objectivity and the best way to do this, in my opinion is through indirect observation.

It's not about no-no's so much as, well, how is this going to work? Will it work? Do I like who this person is outside the circle of "us"?

I think I might have been a bit drunk when I made that post you quoted. well done for understanding what I was saying because for the life of me, I think I was talking gibberish.

 

[Scotsman69]

hmmmmmm

I think I might have been a bit drunk when I made that post you quoted. well done for understanding what I was saying because for the life of me, I think I was talking gibberish.

I find myself increasingly fascinated with this Kybele woman. A cunt terrorist indeed? Wonder what one of them might be...

 

[where]

I find myself increasingly fascinated with this Kybele woman. A cunt terrorist indeed? Wonder what one of them might be...

I terrorise all the cunts with my big cock.

 

[Scotsman69]

Fascinating thought indeed.

 

[NomadLady]

A piece of advice I would offer, for those entering new relationships, is to pay as much, (if not more), attention to how your potential partner treats and interacts with others as they do with you. Especially down the road a few months, when he/she lowers their guard. (Had I done this, I could have saved myself from a rotten first marriage.)

How a person treats their friends, neighbours, co-workers, family, the wait staff at restaurants, etc, can tell you TONS more about their character than how they treat you. Remember, they're trying to impress you, they're not trying to impress the girl behind the counter at McDonalds...and that is the unedited version of themselves you should pay attention to.

This is some of the best advice anyone ever gave me as well. Wish I had know it early on because I could have saved myself from a marriage to the wrong person for the wrong reasons...

And never...ever, get involved with someone bi-polar, depressed or the rest of the myriad of psychiatric diagnosis you can list unless they are (1) diagnosed
(2) on meds/treatments and (3) willing to stay on meds/in treatment.

 

[NomadLady]

My one-size-really-does-fit-all relationship advice:

Relationships work best when both parties consider themselves not 50% responsible for the success of the relationship but 100%. That responsibility can not be parceled out like household chores because the very act of dividing the responsibility generates the potential for discord and resentments. Instead, when both assume 100% responsibility, if one partner slips up a bit the other just keeps on keeping on like before. No need to keep books on who did what.

Very sound advice...and environmentally sound too...no need to carry that pen and paper around to keep score, save a tree or two.

 

[sb2009]

Has anyone mentioned that even in the best relationship, you may wake up once in a while and say "wtf? him/her again?"

Seriously, I have had days where I wondered what I ever saw in him. And usually when I remember what I saw in him, it's the very thing that is annoying the crap out of me.

 

[BiBunny]

This is some of the best advice anyone ever gave me as well. Wish I had know it early on because I could have saved myself from a marriage to the wrong person for the wrong reasons...

And never...ever, get involved with someone bi-polar, depressed or the rest of the myriad of psychiatric diagnosis you can list unless they are (1) diagnosed
(2) on meds/treatments and (3) willing to stay on meds/in treatment.

How would you know someone has a "psychiatric diagnosis" if that person has never been diagnosed?

 

[sb2009]

Well, some people don't know they have mental health issues, especially in early adulthood. My husband loved how spontaneous, fun, sexually adventurous, charismatic I was. A decade later we found out it was one side of the bi-polar coin. I'm glad he stuck around for the whole med-go-round and put up with some crap from me.

 

[BiBunny]

Well, some people don't know they have mental health issues, especially in early adulthood. My husband loved how spontaneous, fun, sexually adventurous, charismatic I was. A decade later we found out it was one side of the bi-polar coin. I'm glad he stuck around for the whole med-go-round and put up with some crap from me.

Yeah, but you were actually diagnosed by a professional.

If you look up the DSM criteria for many mental illnesses, you can make pretty much any label fit any person if you want to badly enough. I don't think laypeople need to go around "diagnosing" their SOs or potential SOs.

 

[sb2009]

Good point! I kinda cringe when I hear people saying "oh, I bet she is borderline" etc.

I guess what I was trying to say was that it's one thing to have that policy, but lots of people don't know they have (fill in the blank) until they get a dr that takes the time to diagnose or perhaps have an exacerbating circumstance - for me it was having my second child.

 

[minx1]

sorry guys, change of plan.

ignore pls.

 

[NomadLady]

How would you know someone has a "psychiatric diagnosis" if that person has never been diagnosed?

Sorry I guess that should have read "psychiatric disorders"....

 

[Keroin]

Has anyone mentioned that even in the best relationship, you may wake up once in a while and say "wtf? him/her again?"

Seriously, I have had days where I wondered what I ever saw in him. And usually when I remember what I saw in him, it's the very thing that is annoying the crap out of me.

Oh absolutely. This is what romance novels and romantic comedies never tell you, that “Happily ever after” doesn’t mean “Happily ever after…24/7, 365, even when he’s making that noise, you know the one, right before he spits in the sink, that kind of HHCCHHHEEEECCCH noise, the noise that makes you throw up a little in your mouth, yes, that one”.

We have these strange expectations of long-term relationships. I mean, live with anyone…anyone, your family, your best friends, even your kids and there will be times when you don’t get along or when you just don’t like them very much. Why should an SO be any different?

And yeah, nine times out ten, it’s the thing that attracted you initially that will drive you twisty down the road. Ah, life’s little ironies.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Good point! I kinda cringe when I hear people saying "oh, I bet she is borderline" etc.

I guess what I was trying to say was that it's one thing to have that policy, but lots of people don't know they have (fill in the blank) until they get a dr that takes the time to diagnose or perhaps have an exacerbating circumstance - for me it was having my second child.

I've discovered that I'm CDO.


That's the way obsessive-compulsive disorder *should* be listed... in alphabetical order.

 

[midwestyankee]

I've discovered that I'm CDO.


That's the way obsessive-compulsive disorder *should* be listed... in alphabetical order.

I used to think that I was AD/HD but then I found the Interwebz. All of them.

 

[00Syd]

Has anyone mentioned that even in the best relationship, you may wake up once in a while and say "wtf? him/her again?"

Seriously, I have had days where I wondered what I ever saw in him. And usually when I remember what I saw in him, it's the very thing that is annoying the crap out of me.

That's never happened to me in any of my relationships. Maybe that only happens if you've been with someone for not just a long time, but a REALLY long time? I don't know. I've never felt tired of any of the people I've been with, and if I ever did start to feel tired of them, or stop seeing whatever I first saw in them that was attractive, then I would probably take that as a sign that it might be time to end the relationship.

But maybe that's a difference between a relationship and a marriage?

 

[Keroin]

That's never happened to me in any of my relationships. Maybe that only happens if you've been with someone for not just a long time, but a REALLY long time? I don't know. I've never felt tired of any of the people I've been with, and if I ever did start to feel tired of them, or stop seeing whatever I first saw in them that was attractive, then I would probably take that as a sign that it might be time to end the relationship.

But maybe that's a difference between a relationship and a marriage?

What's the longest romantic relationship you've been in? I mean, the longest relationship where you have lived with a person.

Have you never had moments with your Mom when the two of you haven't gotten along for some reason? Ever?

 

[00Syd]

What's the longest romantic relationship you've been in? I mean, the longest relationship where you have lived with a person.

Have you never had moments with your Mom when the two of you haven't gotten along for some reason? Ever?

The longest romantic relationship I've ever been in was 4 and a half years.

The longest time I've ever lived with a person was my mom, yeah. But she drives me nuts because she's my mom, haha

I feel like if I ever felt like I was bored of someone I was in a relationship with, and I didn't enjoy their company anymore, then I would probably feel like it was time to move on. I understand that relationships ebb and flow, but if I was more that just annoyed with them, if I flat out stopped seeing what I first found attractive, then why would I want to stay in that relationship?

I'm stuck with my mom, she's the only mom I've got, but I'm in no way forced to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. But I think that that's an attitude that would probably be drastically different from not married to married, or from no kids to kids. Circumstances matter.

I dunno. This isn't a hard and fast attitude, it's one that is totally changeable and shifting and depending on circumstance and whatnot. But in my current situation, if I woke up one day and realized that I no longer enjoyed Seb's company, that I was bored with him, that I didn't find him attractive anymore, then I would probably want to leave.

Luckily I don't see that happening any time soon, or ever.

 

[sb2009]

Syd...I think it's like...I weigh the annoyance with the other stuff, and it usually balances out.

Plus, we have kids together ROFL Even if he's annoying...is he annoying enough for me to deal with them by myself? NO FUCKING WAY!

 

[Keroin]

The longest romantic relationship I've ever been in was 4 and a half years.

The longest time I've ever lived with a person was my mom, yeah. But she drives me nuts because she's my mom, haha

I feel like if I ever felt like I was bored of someone I was in a relationship with, and I didn't enjoy their company anymore, then I would probably feel like it was time to move on. I understand that relationships ebb and flow, but if I was more that just annoyed with them, if I flat out stopped seeing what I first found attractive, then why would I want to stay in that relationship?

I'm stuck with my mom, she's the only mom I've got, but I'm in no way forced to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. But I think that that's an attitude that would probably be drastically different from not married to married, or from no kids to kids. Circumstances matter.

I dunno. This isn't a hard and fast attitude, it's one that is totally changeable and shifting and depending on circumstance and whatnot. But in my current situation, if I woke up one day and realized that I no longer enjoyed Seb's company, that I was bored with him, that I didn't find him attractive anymore, then I would probably want to leave.

Luckily I don't see that happening any time soon, or ever.

Being in a relationship and living together while in a relationship are two totally different animals. Just saying.

When you are together 24/7 for years on end, you will experience every high and low and in-between that two people can face. If you really love the person and you feel they're worth it and that in the big picture the relationship is worth it, you ride it all out. If not, you leave. Simple as that. It's all but impossible to explain until you've been there. I've definitely walked away from relationships for stuff that was a lot more minor than some of the stuff L and I have gone through.

When it's right, it's worth fighting for. Bottom line.

Syd...I think it's like...I weigh the annoyance with the other stuff, and it usually balances out.

Yup.

When we were at work together a few weeks ago, I was having one of those "want to hit my spouse over the head with a blunt object" days. It was just a shitty day and he wasn't handling it well. But then, several hours in, he looked at me and said, "I know I bark and I'm a jerk sometimes but I'm so glad I have you. I couldn't do this without you.", and all the anger just blew away and I remembered why I love him so much.

Plus, we have kids together ROFL Even if he's annoying...is he annoying enough for me to deal with them by myself? NO FUCKING WAY!

HAR!!!

 

[ultramarineblue]

How do you know if it's just a low in the relationship or if the relationship has run it's course? I don't really know which it is right now.

 

[VelvetSin]

How do you know if it's just a low in the relationship or if the relationship has run it's course? I don't really know which it is right now.

If the relationship is worth fighting for, you know when you've tried everything you can think of, have no further energy or care to try, and exhausted available resources and still haven't rekindled whatever it is that feels lost. You've talked, tried new ways of doing things, talked more, tried other things, seen a counselor, tried what they suggest, done a trial separation to see if (after the initial deep breath of freedom passes) you are more comfortable alone. If it's a low in the relationship, you'll find that spark again sometime during that effort. If it has run its course, nothing you try will work and you'll feel far more comfortable by yourself.

That's my take, anyway.