The Mega Super Ultra Relationship Advice Thread!

[ultramarineblue]

If the relationship is worth fighting for, you know when you've tried everything you can think of, have no further energy or care to try, and exhausted available resources and still haven't rekindled whatever it is that feels lost. You've talked, tried new ways of doing things, talked more, tried other things, seen a counselor, tried what they suggest, done a trial separation to see if (after the initial deep breath of freedom passes) you are more comfortable alone. If it's a low in the relationship, you'll find that spark again sometime during that effort. If it has run its course, nothing you try will work and you'll feel far more comfortable by yourself.

That's my take, anyway.

That makes sense. It's such a sad thing to see it end.

 

[graceanne]

Oh absolutely. This is what romance novels and romantic comedies never tell you, that “Happily ever after” doesn’t mean “Happily ever after…24/7, 365, even when he’s making that noise, you know the one, right before he spits in the sink, that kind of HHCCHHHEEEECCCH noise, the noise that makes you throw up a little in your mouth, yes, that one”.

This is totally hypothetical, right?

Plus, we have kids together ROFL Even if he's annoying...is he annoying enough for me to deal with them by myself? NO FUCKING WAY!

Q. F. T.

I remember reading in Readers Digest about this couple who'd been married like 50 years, and had something like 8 kids. They were asked how they'd kept their marriage together with all those kids and the answer was that they agreed that whoever left first had to take ALL the kids with them.

 

[VelvetSin]

That makes sense. It's such a sad thing to see it end.

*hugs*

 

[rida]

And never...ever, get involved with someone bi-polar, depressed or the rest of the myriad of psychiatric diagnosis you can list unless they are (1) diagnosed
(2) on meds/treatments and (3) willing to stay on meds/in treatment.

Hubby is bipolar. Type II (that means rarely totally manic, mostly hypo-manic). Ultra-rapid cycling (over the time of few hours in the worst cases). With SAD and probably a dash of AD and OCD.

When I met him, he knew he suffered of SAD (diagnosed, being on a study, using light therapy for it). Eventually when his depressive episodes and what I now know where hypo-manic episodes got worse (for many type II that manage to function, it often gets worse in their 50s) he went to see a doc that gave the bipolar diagnosis. Too bad that the doc did not bother to say that finding the right medication is hell and that during the process you might end up worse than you started out ...

But the point I want to make is not about the diagnosis or medication or staying on it. The point is that sometime you and they don't know you suffer or will suffer from a mental illness, and that life throws you curve balls that sometime act as a trigger to dormant condition.

 

[ecstaticsub]

My husband and I have been married 24 years, together for 29. I plan on being with him for the rest of my life. Of all that time together I would say we have only had a couple of rough times. When the kids were babies we had a few other things going on (moving to another country, deployments, etc) and my postpartum depression. But we made it through because we both knew deep in our hearts that we loved each other and whatever else was going on was only temporary.

We also both make a point of trying to see a situation from the other person's point of view. We go out of our way to make sure the other is happy. I know what is important in his life, and he knows the same for me. We indulge each other hobbies, fantasies, joys in life.

We make sure we have fun together as a family. A relationship shouldn't be hard. Loving each other comes naturally.

I don't know if any ot that is real advice but it is what has worked for us.

 

[Keroin]

A relationship shouldn't be hard. Loving each other comes naturally.

I think how "hard" a relationship is can depend a lot on who is in the relationship and it isn't always contingent on much you love each other. I married someone with a BIG personality and I love him for it but that definitely comes with challenges. Wouldn't trade those challenges for the world but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

I would describe my marriage as great fun and exactly what I want/need. I wouldn't describe it as easy.

I don't know if any of that is real advice but it is what has worked for us.

I think there's some fantastic advice in there, thanks ES!

 

[BiBunny]

You can love another person with all your heart and soul, but loving that person doesn't make it easy to be in a relationship with him/her. I used to think that love conquers all and all that pretty stuff, but now I'm not so sure.

 

[midwestyankee]

You can love another person with all your heart and soul, but loving that person doesn't make it easy to be in a relationship with him/her. I used to think that love conquers all and all that pretty stuff, but now I'm not so sure.

Love doesn't conquer all, but it definitely makes the conquering work a whole lot more worthwhile.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I think how "hard" a relationship is can depend a lot on who is in the relationship and it isn't always contingent on much you love each other. I married someone with a BIG personality and I love him for it but that definitely comes with challenges. Wouldn't trade those challenges for the world but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

I would describe my marriage as great fun and exactly what I want/need. I wouldn't describe it as easy.

I think there's some fantastic advice in there, thanks
ES!

Both of us are very easy going. I know what issues he won't compromise on and he knows the same. We've been through those arguments and know it's not worth having them again.

 

[ultramarineblue]

*hugs*

Thank you.

 

[graceanne]

Love doesn't conquer all, but it definitely makes the conquering work a whole lot more worthwhile.

like

My mother used to say 'you'd be surprised how quick love goes out the door when there's no food on the table and your man is sitting on his ass watching tv'. Her point was to be careful who you pick to fall in love with (yes, you can make a decision it starts with not making a bad decision - namely don't date someone you can't see yourself marrying, cause you might fall in love with the asshole).

 

[Keroin]

You can love another person with all your heart and soul, but loving that person doesn't make it easy to be in a relationship with him/her. I used to think that love conquers all and all that pretty stuff, but now I'm not so sure.

Love doesn't conquer all, but it definitely makes the conquering work a whole lot more worthwhile.

like

My mother used to say 'you'd be surprised how quick love goes out the door when there's no food on the table and your man is sitting on his ass watching tv'.

Yup and yup.

It's a combination of a) Choosing a partner wisely b) Being honest about how much you love that person(s) and c) Defining your limits, then communicating them to your partner(s).

It doesn't matter how much you love someone if they are, for example, sticking needles in their arm and blowing all the rent money on drugs. Love alone can't fix that.

 

[graceanne]

It doesn't matter how much you love someone if they are, for example, sticking needles in their arm and blowing all the rent money on drugs. Love alone can't fix that.

*gasp* Did you know my father?

 

[ultramarineblue]

It doesn't matter how much you love someone if they are, for example, sticking needles in their arm and blowing all the rent money on drugs. Love alone can't fix that.

Very true. It also doesn't matter how much intends to do something because intentions don't pay the bills.

 

[Netzach]

How did you cope with a break up? What keeps your long-term relationship/marriage happy & alive? What dating disasters have you learned to avoid? How do you meet the PYL/pyl that's just right for you? How do you balance everyone’s needs in poly relationships?

What worked? What didn’t? How? Why?

Please share. Thank you very much.

Breakup: perspective. I went into the park and realized that those trees are like 200 years old and my emotional loss is pretty fucking trivial in the scheme of it all. Dumping someone is worse than being dumped, though, x100.

Long term relationships: if one or more of you is very funny you will be fine. Obviously there's more to it than that but this is what yanked us off the ledge as a couple once or twice.

Dating disasters: I don't date. I hang out. If someone's feeling compelled to pay for things and try out like an audition you are already on fake terms from day 1.

I also absolutely recommend determining sexual compatibility prior to any further commitment - conventional wisdom says don't have sex till date 3 MY wisdom says find out if you fuck well before date 5 or you are in for trouble. Don't fall in strong "like" even without finding out if it works well in bed.

I met the right people repeatedly by being in a "happy by myself" period of my life and actually almost kind of "aw, already?" about meeting a compatible person. If you cannot enjoy your own company and the thought of finding yourself in it again all other advice is moot. My relationships refine me, they do not define me.

Poly: we don't have a "house meeting" or "family" concept and this seems to work better than a lot of the "super healthy intentional super communication about EVERYFUCK" kind of drama laden poly I see around me. I just explained how I roll and I let my primary roll how he rolls, as long as we know where home is at the end of the day it's good.

 

[Keroin]

Breakup: perspective. I went into the park and realized that those trees are like 200 years old and my emotional loss is pretty fucking trivial in the scheme of it all. Dumping someone is worse than being dumped, though, x100.

Long term relationships: if one or more of you is very funny you will be fine. Obviously there's more to it than that but this is what yanked us off the ledge as a couple once or twice.

Dating disasters: I don't date. I hang out. If someone's feeling compelled to pay for things and try out like an audition you are already on fake terms from day 1.

I also absolutely recommend determining sexual compatibility prior to any further commitment - conventional wisdom says don't have sex till date 3 MY wisdom says find out if you fuck well before date 5 or you are in for trouble. Don't fall in strong "like" even without finding out if it works well in bed.

I met the right people repeatedly by being in a "happy by myself" period of my life and actually almost kind of "aw, already?" about meeting a compatible person. If you cannot enjoy your own company and the thought of finding yourself in it again all other advice is moot. My relationships refine me, they do not define me.

Poly: we don't have a "house meeting" or "family" concept and this seems to work better than a lot of the "super healthy intentional super communication about EVERYFUCK" kind of drama laden poly I see around me. I just explained how I roll and I let my primary roll how he rolls, as long as we know where home is at the end of the day it's good.

Great stuff, Netz. I particularly like the part in bold.

Thanks.