The Sex Joke Thread (Open To Anyone)

[The Duke of Oral]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

 

[MercyMia]

PARROT JOKE

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn`t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I`m a defective parrot".

"Holy shit", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my cock around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can`t see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can`t you!"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I`m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I`d be a great companion."

The bloke looks at the 200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can`t afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I`m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don`t have any feet. You can probably get me for 20, just make the guy an offer!"
The bloke offers 20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he`s interesting, he`s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he`s insightful.

The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don`t know if I should tell you this or not, but it`s about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.
"When the postman delivered today , your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED ????"

"Fucked if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch !!!!!!!

sexy postman!
good joke, lol!