The two types of men

[sexysoutherngal]

You are making sense. . . .I just get sooooo confused!

I guess because I have never had a type 2 personality before and I just don't know how to react.

Here is the low-down. I am VERY independent (it has taken me a lot to let him get the door for me). We have known each other as acquitances for about 14 years, much closer the last year. We can talk wicked dirty. . . .like, wow! I have never talked that way before in my life *thoughts, yes. . . .spoken, no!* I feel very comfortable around him, not like I have to pretend to be someone I am not.

Is it possible that he is not interested me as a relationship and only as a friendship?

*of course all of the demons in my head tell me I am not pretty enough, small enough, smart enough; and that he would never be attracted to me*

Of course the 'friendship' sounds nice and all, but wow, all of the $ he has spent, I do feel kinda bad that he doesn't let me pay!

BTW, we both are college grads (same college, go figure), I am out working and he works and works and works (like 3 different jobs) and is going to school, working on another degree to add to the 2 he already has!

Opinions and insight from the outside are very much appreciated!!

I just don't know how to handle myself in this situation!!

Chances are he doesn't believe that you want more than a friendship from him. In the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend wasn't sure if I liked him in a romantic way - even though I thought I was making it quite obvious. We, too, started out as friends, and he wasn't sure if we were just getting closer as friends or what. Anyway, after a few weeks, I decided to make the first move... We've been together ever since.

Sometimes we think that we are sending clear signals, but the best way to resolve this is to either make the first move yourself or talk to him about it.

 

[pleasteasme]

I do appologize, it was a drastic generalization to limit all men into only 2 categories. Unfortunately, my experience has been limited to those 2 types. #1 scared the crap out of me when I was too young to enjoy it (or not mature enough I suppose). Basically, I took myself 'off the market' after the #1 type got to me. Just recently have I decided that maybe I don't need to go through life alone and there are good men out there that aren't just looking for a quick shag.

My appologies, I am sorry if I offended anyone

Personally I'm not exactly comfortable with the thought that we guys can be labelled SO easily. I'd like to think we're much more complex than that- heaven knows I fall into both categories at different times. I'd prefer to shed those labels of good guy/ bad guy.

I'd rather not label women in such broad sweeping categories either. I think there are people that definitely fall into those categories and then there are plenty of folks who straddle the line.

If you label us men, would you like to be labelled as one kind of gal??

 

[The JoZ]

I can certainly see where LE is coming from in his post...

However, on the flip side...isn't it partially the man's fault as a gender for allowing ourselves to be so easily stereotyped?

Too many people complain about stereotypes, yet there are many that continue to perpetuate them, in spite of their complaining

Not to say that LE is doing nothing but spreading horrible stereotypes, but still...

It's not really a good idea to generalize...but when it's so easy, I can understand why it's done

 

[pleasteasme]

I absolutely hear you on the fear subject. I truly believe that is what is holding me back from making the 1st move.

However, the manticipation (anticipation) is absolutely driving me wild. If he is half as good in the sack as he is at talking dirty. . .wow, I will never leave the house again!!

I don't know that I am sending off 'not interested' vibes, because in real life (versus in my head and here of course) I am a pretty serious person. He is the only one I have ever talked like this too and I wonder if he thinks I am joking 24/7?

The conclusion from most on here is that I just need to get brave and try to make the first move. . . .it is just so damn scarey for me!

Or you get guys like me, who are generally the Type 2 kind of guy, but as horny as the Type 1...the difference is that I have too much self-respect / control to be a 1, but I enjoy the action too much to be totally 2...go read my only thread here for more info on that if you need it...

In any case, I had been the 2 for the longest time, totally...but once I had the assurance of whoever I was with that me feeling her up was not only acceptable, but when done right drove her crazy (and I've had no complaints yet, but I digress )...that was all I needed to stop being so insecure.

I can't speak for all Type 2's, but I know that alot of it had to do with some sort of fear...fear of hurting her, fear of scaring her, fear of freaking her out, etc. etc. A little encouragement goes a long way

 

[The JoZ]

If he's that good at talking dirty, I think you should be point blank in asking in why he's so good at talking dirty, but not acting on it...

It's probably a fear issue for him too, at least partially

 

[pleasteasme]

I guess I should not be a stereotypical female that waits for the man to make the first move, right? LOL, just joking there folks!

This has been going on since oh, let's see. . .last October/November. I just need to muster the inner strength to discuss it and take the outcome; good or bad. In the back of my head, I am really frightened that it will change the great friendship we have. . . .

Some unknown wise person said the greatest rewards in life are gotten through taking great chances. Maybe it will all work out in the positive light and we will figure it out!

 

[pleasteasme]

Ooooh, I need to remember that!!!! I will bring it up next time!

Yes, dirty talk indeed. Both of us answer our phones pretty naughty when we know it is one another. I mentioned something about house of pleasure and pain, which do you prefer. He said he likes a little pain. I tried to schedule him an appointment!!! But see, stuff like this, he thinks I am joking? Which I partially am, but I don't talk like that to every man I know!

If he's that good at talking dirty, I think you should be point blank in asking in why he's so good at talking dirty, but not acting on it...

It's probably a fear issue for him too, at least partially

 

[The JoZ]

I guess I should not be a stereotypical female that waits for the man to make the first move, right? LOL, just joking there folks!

Why the 'just joking'? If you think you're being the stereotypical female who waits for the guy to do everything, yet you're frustrated by his lack of initiation, then you should break that stereotype as you see fit

This has been going on since oh, let's see. . .last October/November. I just need to muster the inner strength to discuss it and take the outcome; good or bad. In the back of my head, I am really frightened that it will change the great friendship we have. . . .

Some unknown wise person said the greatest rewards in life are gotten through taking great chances. Maybe it will all work out in the positive light and we will figure it out!

...If you being up front with him about something ruins a 'great relationship' then it probably wasn't that great to begin with.

Obviously, it has to be delivered in the right way...I don't reccommend acting accusatory or inflammatory...and don't lay any guilt trips on him. Just ask him up front why he's so timid around you...why he can talk like a wild man, but can't necessarily back it up...

The way I see it, that should only make your relationship better, not worse. If it doesn't get better, then maybe you need to reconsider either 1) Why you're in this relationship or 2) What you both want out of it

Good luck either way

 

[Lust Engine]

I can certainly see where LE is coming from in his post...

However, on the flip side...isn't it partially the man's fault as a gender for allowing ourselves to be so easily stereotyped?

Too many people complain about stereotypes, yet there are many that continue to perpetuate them, in spite of their complaining

Not to say that LE is doing nothing but spreading horrible stereotypes, but still...

It's not really a good idea to generalize...but when it's so easy, I can understand why it's done

Okay we agree that perpetuating stereotypes isn't exactly helpful and there are too many idiots out there still perpetuating them. So why fall for that trap of labelling men one way or the other? Isn't that perpetuating it as much as an idiotic macho guy being a rude bastard?

I also understand why it's done in stereotyping. Good Lord knows we all think it, but to openly label & generalize people into one group or another is just asking for trouble.

 

[SIC]

hey, I am guy number two and there isnt anything wrong with being the nice guy. I feel better about myself when i treat a women right. I am horny and want to have sex all the time. But when you are with some girls the nice guy is slower because he doesnt know if he really likes you and he doesnt want to have sex and then just leave you. Sometime i am like guy number 1 and just want to have sex and then not think about you anymore.

 

[wildwesty]

hey, I am guy number two and there isnt anything wrong with being the nice guy. I feel better about myself when i treat a women right. I am horny and want to have sex all the time. But when you are with some girls the nice guy is slower because he doesnt know if he really likes you and he doesnt want to have sex and then just leave you. Sometime i am like guy number 1 and just want to have sex and then not think about you anymore.

Exactly right...the nice guys can still be dirty and very into sex, like myself but not want to hurt you by making it only about sex so if he is going a little slow you have to know that it means a lot more to him than just a romp in the sack....

 

[Nightbob]

2 types of men

Type #1 fucks anything that moves because he can.

Type #2 doesn't because he can't.


In either case women have taught them their respective roles.

I disagree with you CQ. I am primarily a type #2, heterosexual, and have been having sex for almost 40 years. I just choose to not fuck every woman I see. Most of my friends are women and I would much rather have them as friends. We respect each other.

 

[Nightbob]

2 types of men

I guess I should not be a stereotypical female that waits for the man to make the first move, right? LOL, just joking there folks!

This has been going on since oh, let's see. . .last October/November. I just need to muster the inner strength to discuss it and take the outcome; good or bad. In the back of my head, I am really frightened that it will change the great friendship we have. . . .

Some unknown wise person said the greatest rewards in life are gotten through taking great chances. Maybe it will all work out in the positive light and we will figure it out!

When you have been talking "dirty" with him, have either one of you talked about having sex with other people? Will this be the first time for either of you? Have you talked about what you like or what he likes? Maybe at that point you could tell him how much you would like to try something that he likes. I hope it works out for you.

 

[SnoopDog]

The experience I made is that girls always, repeat, ALWAYS chose guy numober one. The 'nice' guy isalways the loser.
Though 90% of the women lie and say that they want a guy that is nice and respectful towards them, that has good manners, is intelligent and emtional, the truth is they want a macho guy that is straight forward and treats them kinda badly.
I don't know why women are like that but it's the truth.

In the end it comes down to that song:
'Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money'

Snoopy

 

[ahooohgah]

I'm Guy #2, too

Lots of good posts here.

You know what you want out of this, and he knows what he wants, but neither of you know what the other wants. That's the problem. So what's the solution? I'd say you need to work on you and your delivery of your wishes!

You can't change him. You shouldn't try, either. But you can and should learn how to go after what you want. If he learns what it is you want, then he has the opportunity to act on it, with confidence that he won't be rejected, or slapped, or arrested or whatever.

Way back when, my first serious GF....I was being #2, and she wanted more, so she grabbed me by the hair and said, "look, I want to be more physical with you!" By God, that's all I needed to hear! It was on then!

It's great that you two can talk like you do - but - from where I sit, it sounds like the joking about it is the problem. Maybe you could find a way to say that it isn't a joke. It's real. Come here, and fuck me.

You gotta get what you want, or you'll "settle". It's up to you to figure out how! If you don't make your wishes known, then you certainly can't put any blame on him. It won't be his fault.

 

[Owlz]

Re: Re: The two types of men

My thoughts... the guys who'll fuck anything in sight are good for a roll in the hay (roll in zee hay, roll in zee hay...), and the sex is all right, sometimes great. The "nice" guys... ah, the nice guys. They know they're the nice guys. They hear that "nice guys finish last" and they internalize it and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They don't want to initiate sex too soon or too agressively because they don't want to be a "Type 1." They also feel that women don't WANT the nice guy.

EXACTLY! That's me...guy number two.

My advice? Sometimes ya gotta make the first move with Type 2s.

Right again. Where do I find a woman like that? In a woman older than myself (which would not be a Bad Thing, btw)?

The sex may be great... he could knock your socks off with his stunning bedroom skills, but he's likely afraid that you'll think he's a male slut, and that's not the image he wants to create for himself.

Or maybe he does, but he wants the woman to let him know she'd be OK with that, rather than assuming as much.

 

[Ezzy]

Neither men nor women are mind readers; if you trust your feelings and you trust the guy, talk to him.

Don't hint.

Don't think, "He must know how you are feeling". Guys are dumb about this (or at least I am and I will talk for myself here).

Don't leave it to chance.

TALK TO HIM. About where you both are in the relationship, where you would like to take it, even as simple as you would like to make love to him!

The only way to get a "type 2" guy to jump into being a "type 1" guy is lead him by the nose.

I am by your definition a type 2 guy, I have often missed out on casual sex, because I respected the friendship more than I was just looking for sex.

But when ever I have been asked if I want to make love or make out or make up, I have always been willing and able to take advantage of the offers before me.

As any human, we are controlled by what past experience has taught us, I and many "type 2" guys don't want to misread a signal and FUBAR what we thought of as a good relationship, by chasing sex when it is unclear if that is where the woman wanted it to go.

The "type 1" guys don't really give a fig about the relationship all they want is the sex, with as many women as they can talk into it.

 

[The JoZ]

Okay we agree that perpetuating stereotypes isn't exactly helpful and there are too many idiots out there still perpetuating them. So why fall for that trap of labelling men one way or the other? Isn't that perpetuating it as much as an idiotic macho guy being a rude bastard?

Sure it is

I also understand why it's done in stereotyping. Good Lord knows we all think it, but to openly label & generalize people into one group or another is just asking for trouble.

Indeed. I wasn't trying to justify her being stereotypical, but rather expressing my understanding of why she did it.

In the end it comes down to that song:
'Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money'

No, it doesn't. This is the kind of stereotype perpetuating that LE and I are talking about...

First off, Good Charlotte are not a band I would be quoting except to show how shallow and moronic their lyrics are, and your quote helps prove it.

Sure, I'll admit there are some girls/women who only want to get with a guy for his car, or his money, or some other material factor...but, as evidenced by what I have seen on Lit, there are plenty of women who love their men for far better reasons than that...I'm sure that having a good job and money isn't a limiting factor, but to imply that women are only after our material goods as a whole is a huge fallacy

 

[The Gimp]

By this scale I'm a 1.5. There have been times when I've gotten the impression that she's looking to give it up on the first date so I went for it. There have also been times when I got the impression that she was looking for a nice guy to open the door for her and to pay for dinner aka my current girlfriend. Rather than risk jeeapordizing the relationship by moving too fast I waited about a month before I attempted anything sexual.

 

[eggyweggy]

Hello everyone! Just some comments below.

You're summation of you're personal relationships with guys into groups could go more like:

1) The Lovers (Don Juan)
2) The Providers (You're guy)

A man can start off as a Lover, and move into a Provider.
But a Provider can not be a lover. He needs to be fully committed to the relationship first.

I feel that there's nothing wrong with being a Lover, no matter what social/religious/personal biggotry's others assign to it. It is a perfectly natural, beautiful thing, that many women need.

As for you're description missy, sounds like you've rounded up you're perfect Provider. Yeeeeeehhhaaawwww!

If you're looking for this man as a provider, you should pat yourself on the back. You have got him soo deep in emotion's, fully committed him to the relationship and reduced his power in the relationship to zero. Plus he doesn't even consider or know the signs and steps to having sex with you, without you're direct authoritive blessing and directions.

What a man.

Anyway, you've done a great job with this one. Maybe you need like one of those lights that give the audience a signal to Applause. Just make one up, and label it "Horny". Now whenever you feel his love talk winding you up, you can now give him one easy signal that will fulfill all you're sexual needs. Just make sure you have all the other lights ready like - "stop being a wussy", "Read between the lines what I am trying to say", "We're having relationship problems", "Get some game", "That feels good, do it more"... etc

To Others:

I have a problem with some of this "nice guy" stuff you guys are pouting, and want to clarify what that means to me. Who is she, a woman you have just met to be putting you're own happiness second?

Halle Berry? well, then that's ok..

j/k

To me, it smells of neediness, submissiveness, insecurity, and lack of confidence. All of which I am not, and will not portray by unecessarily: buying her gifts, buying her drinks, giving compliments, paying for expensive dinners (as it's not my lifestyle) and being her wet emotion rag.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for chivalry and general social courtesies (sometimes ) , but I get to decide if she is worth me having a relationship with her. And if I'm not getting what I want out of the relationship at any stage, I'm leaving.

 

[Debbie]

OK,

With my limited experience, I have concluded there are 2 definitive types of men:

1. The type that will try to f**ck anything/anyone willing. You know, the type that waste no time going in for a kiss, a touch or grope and anything else you will permit.

and

2. The 'nice' guy. WOW!! Yes, there are nice men out there: the type that open the door for you, pay for the movies, dinner or any other event you are going to. I have found these type of men are soooooooo much *painfully* slower at any type of initiation of sexual behavior. . . . . .why is this?

I am so frustrated right now, I am at my wits end!!

Thoughts?

I don't agree at all. When I met bigrednz he was the perfect 'gentleman'. He bought me flowers and wine, insisted on paying for the movies, dinner etc. Asked my permission for a goodnight kiss. He was irresistible and within a week or two we were intimate. He initiated the first move and I was so tempted.
It was me who held off even though the chemistry was amazing.


I wanted to respect myself and we waited for AIDS and STD test results since we wanted to be very safe.

He is the best lover I have ever had.

He taught me to relax and enjoy my body.
Being loved for who you are and knowing your lover finds you really sexy is amazing.

My nice guy is far from a loser. He's a prize.

 

[assister49]

Re: Re: The two types of men

He is the best lover I have ever had.

He taught me to relax and enjoy my body.
Being loved for who you are and knowing your lover finds you really sexy is amazing.

My nice guy is far from a loser. He's a prize.

All the above with mine too. I will take my 'nice guy' anyday.

 

[RosevilleCAguy]

That is one of oh a zilllion conclusions that my troup of friends have come up with.


He is great, I really am into him. We live about 2 1/2 hours apart
We talk on the phone at least 3+ times a week (for hours at a time). We have amazingly common interests and backgrounds. Whenver he is this way or I am in his area we meet, have dinner, go to a movie. He is sincerely a gentleman *which I soo appreciate* and insists on paying for everything!

It is nice and I really enjoy his company, but why in the world would he continue paying and not ummmmm, 'collecting' so to speak?

Another friend of mine accused me of waiting for this guy to turn into the @$$ that guy #1 is (in post above).

Why don't you just ask him?

 

[Arden]

Ooooh, I need to remember that!!!! I will bring it up next time!

Yes, dirty talk indeed. Both of us answer our phones pretty naughty when we know it is one another. I mentioned something about house of pleasure and pain, which do you prefer. He said he likes a little pain. I tried to schedule him an appointment!!! But see, stuff like this, he thinks I am joking? Which I partially am, but I don't talk like that to every man I know!

Wow... initially, I wanted to say that the #1 man who has sex with anyone would be the most likely to give you AIDS or another VD. I'd avoid him like the plague, even if he used a condom. All VD's don't come from within.

#2... Maybe he is hesitant to become sexually active with you. Not because you are not desireable, but because he fears losing a friend if the relationship fails.

*Drum Roll.....*

Maybe your long term relationship as friends is making him uneasy about telling you that he is submissive at heart, and worries that you might reject him for that. He might forgo sex because it's too hard for him to tell you what he wants and needs.

It's not uncommon for men to desire some pain with sex, nor women. If he thinks you were joking about "pleasure and pain," he still may not be able to open up to you. He may be in the process of trying to define his sexual needs.

Just a thought... maybe you could write him a short story about what you might do to satisfy his desires if you were to get together. It's a crapshoot, he might go for it or be turned off if he's not sure of his sexual identity.

Do you have some dominant tendencies? Could you give him some pain if you were to get together? Spankings, etc. Very basic things.

You may want to visit the BDSM boards at Lit if you feel inclined to give a little pain with sex, and enjoy it. BDSM isn't all about pain, some people are drawn to it for the control aspects, or the feeling of being controlled by another.

Even if you don't feel that you may have dominant tendencies, you may find that you have the desire to 'switch' or give each other pleasurable pain. There's a wealth of information on the BDSM boards. Many good people seeking to define their wants and needs. Visit the Library (at the top of the page) if you don't want to post.

Good luck...

 

[Arden]

Sure it is



Indeed. I wasn't trying to justify her being stereotypical, but rather expressing my understanding of why she did it.




No, it doesn't. This is the kind of stereotype perpetuating that LE and I are talking about...

First off, Good Charlotte are not a band I would be quoting except to show how shallow and moronic their lyrics are, and your quote helps prove it.

Sure, I'll admit there are some girls/women who only want to get with a guy for his car, or his money, or some other material factor...but, as evidenced by what I have seen on Lit, there are plenty of women who love their men for far better reasons than that...I'm sure that having a good job and money isn't a limiting factor, but to imply that women are only after our material goods as a whole is a huge fallacy

The older and more expeprienced you get, the more you know that trying to get a guy because he has a nice car or a good job is futile. People can so easily portray themselves as something they are not by having a nice car or house. Job titles and posessions mean nothing when it comes to personality, and the ability to love another human being.

In the end, it the person behind the material things that matters most.