This might step on some toes...

[Cratchit]

but i have a question. Quite honestly, i am not looking for any actual answer, nor am i judging anyone. I have a few friends in real life and online that are in bad marriages where they don't get any sex, or don't get any attention, or don''t get any respect, etc. It's puzzling to me. Yes, i realize when it comes to marriage, it's not that simple. Walking away isn't always easy. I have been told sometimes its for the children's sake but i think that might be used as a crutch to some degree.

I know when i was married, i stayed a few months lying to myself and telling myself anything that made me not leave. But eventually i realize my happiness had to come first and if i stayed any longer, i would resent her and be more miserable. It was scary to be on my own, but i owed it to myself


So please feel free to comment, even if you aren't married:


Why do people stay in bad marriages?

 

[msmaggie]

Have you checked this thread out?
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=397302&highlight=married

 

[Cratchit]

Have you checked this thread out?
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=397302&highlight=married

yes, i have. but to me that is a misnomer. Because if they were truly happily married, they would be sexually fufilled. Their spouse would meet ALL their needs, not just be a great companion.

To me, that's would be like buying a great car that worked and ran well----except the windows didn't go down ever. Not something needed to properly drive it, but it wouldnt make me content.

 

[Sensualdreamer]

yes, i have. but to me that is a misnomer. Because if they were truly happily married, they would be sexually fufilled. Their spouse would meet ALL their needs, not just be a great companion.

To me, that's would be like buying a great car that worked and ran well----except the windows didn't go down ever. Not something needed to properly drive it, but it wouldnt make me content.

I think w/ your car buying analogy you should've said buying a great car that worked & ran well except the A/C didn't work, and you lived in a state where it was usually 90° year round

~~~~~~

You'll get quite a few varied replies, b/c every circumstance is different.

I think ultimately it's fear. Whether it's the fear of being alone, fear that w/o a spouse how will they survive financially, the typical "what will my parents/friends think", fear of starting over again, etc.,

Packing up, leaving, and calling it quits is easy for some and yet difficult for others. I can't begin to tell you how many military spouses I know that have stayed in a toxic/failing relationship b/c of financially being unable to divorce. The typical scenario w/ many spouses (especially military spouses!) is simply they get married young, as soon as the first child is born they become a stay at home mom, by the time the marriage is at the point, or beyond the point of collapse, the spouse looks at the situation that leaving isn't an option b/c by this time she's been out of the work force for X amount of years, she would have to find child care in order to be able to get a job, childcare would take $ away from her earnings, etc.,

So ultimately I think it's fear.

 

[Cratchit]

i appreciate the answer, dreamer, thank you


i would agree. fear of the unknown or if you can make it does make people hesitate. financially not being able to support themself is truly a shame to stay, but i do think happens a good bit.


i realize it isn't easy at all.



anyone else have any thoughts?

 

[Douchemoron]

The common answers are as followed:

Kids.

Money.

The fear of the unknown.

Having to pay alimony/child support.

Having to make your own dinner.

 

[kendra1980]

but i have a question. Quite honestly, i am not looking for any actual answer, nor am i judging anyone. I have a few friends in real life and online that are in bad marriages where they don't get any sex, or don't get any attention, or don''t get any respect, etc. It's puzzling to me. Yes, i realize when it comes to marriage, it's not that simple. Walking away isn't always easy. I have been told sometimes its for the children's sake but i think that might be used as a crutch to some degree.

I know when i was married, i stayed a few months lying to myself and telling myself anything that made me not leave. But eventually i realize my happiness had to come first and if i stayed any longer, i would resent her and be more miserable. It was scary to be on my own, but i owed it to myself


So please feel free to comment, even if you aren't married:


Why do people stay in bad marriages?

I stayed for the kids, and that isn't a crutch....it's a fact.

I stayed for religious reasons, and that isn't a crutch...it's a fact.

I stayed because it seemed that was the role I was doomed to play.

I stayed because I wanted to pay for my children's college education and did so.

I stayed because it was expected, and I didn't know what else to do.

and then one day, I'd stayed long enough...and I didn't stay any longer.

 

[Cratchit]

thank you kendra, i appreciate your answer


like i said, i won't judge and since i can't put myself in anyone's shoes, i wont even pretend to know what your situation was like.


all i can say is that i have a couple friends that sorta resent their parents for staying for their sake. because one told me that while his parents thought they were being civil, he could tell otherwise. like i said, every situation is different.


i guess also the important thing is that one day you realized you had stayed long enough and did something about it

 

[julybaby04]

I stayed....even after it was very clear that it was time to go....because he was terminally ill. I stayed 3 years longer than I wanted to because love and being in love are two completely different things. I stayed be because to leave would have been an incredibly selfish thing for me to do. I stayed so he would not die alone and my children would not have to deal with a divorce on top of his death.

 

[duppy_conqueror]

I stayed....even after it was very clear that it was time to go....because he was terminally ill. I stayed 3 years longer than I wanted to because love and being in love are two completely different things. I stayed be because to leave would have been an incredibly selfish thing for me to do. I stayed so he would not die alone and my children would not have to deal with a divorce on top of his death.

That is an incredibly special thing that you did. I know I post a lot in a flirtatious and humerous manner, but that is honorable, selfless, and incredibly brave thing you did there. Not many people would have felt that way.

 

[julybaby04]

That is an incredibly special thing that you did. I know I post a lot in a flirtatious and humerous manner, but that is honorable, selfless, and incredibly brave thing you did there. Not many people would have felt that way.

You are kind to say that, but I think I did what most in my situation would have.....perhaps it is my faith in people that leads me to believe that.

But, thank you again.....such kind words.

 

[smotherman]

Personally I have never heard of being happily married, but sexually unfulfilled. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. I also think staying in a bad marriage for the children's sake will only harm the children later on.

Divorce is difficult. This is one of the reasons why couples choose to stay in unhealthy or unfulfilling marriages, despite an inner voice urging them to leave. Rather than heed this internal guidance, people seek out or invent reasons to justify remaining.

Many float through life in a state of confusion or ambivalence because things are not so awful. Being confused, they can’t possibly be asked to make a decision so they rationalize staying with their spouse, waiting for something to happen which will make it clearer as to whether they should keep the relationship together or not.

Just my two cents!

 

[Cratchit]

i appreciate everyone's answers!


it was the selfless thing to do and shows your true intregity, julybaby. you did it because it was the right thing to do and many people could take a lesson or two from you.

 

[HornyVikingMN]

When I find out, I'll let you know.

I'm not sure why I've stayed. Kids, yes. Money, yes. Family expectations, check! Not willing to admit failing, that too. None of those explain it, though, and I'm not sure all of them together explain it either. So I really don't know why I've stayed. Maybe I'll regret it - but somehow I doubt it.

I do know this - it's gotten better. I may have settled, or what once seemed unbearable no longer does. Am I giddy in love - hell no. Do I wish I had made a different decision long ago - hell yes. Am I walking out the door anytime soon - I highly doubt it. It may not be rational, but that's the way it is.

As an aside, do you know how hard it is to find a Valentine's card for "I love you but I'm not really very happy with you?" Hallmark hasn't made that one yet.

 

[skinneydip]

Hmmm I stayed a while in my marriage because I was absolutely numb...emotionally numb from the crash between my deep realization that I'd never get what I really needed in the relationship and my deep religious convictions that marriage is forever.

Establishing a meaningful friendship with someone here in this wacky Lit world...and conversing with others helped me crawl back into reality and face my unhappiness and get out of it...but it took over 20 years to get to that point....and I don't think there is any one answer on these things....I am a strong believer though, now, that confiding in people you trust is important for a sounding board. Keeping all the turmoil inside without outside advice is a sure ticket for a deep emotional crash.

 

[Cratchit]

thank you viking, your open honestly is definitely appreciated!

i have to wonder if a lot of people are in your shoes, kinda in the middle between staying forever and walking away. You also brought up a thought that i imagine happens a lot. Family has certain expectations of us, fair or not, and living up to them might be impossible at times.

you said its getting better so that is a step in the right direction.


oh, and if i see that hallmark card, i will be sure to send it your way

 

[Cratchit]

skinnydip, thank you very much in giving your honest answer.


you mentioned something that i didnt really consider. it isnt just one answer, but a combination of many things that might be little, but added to the other little ones and it may indeed make you numb, as you said.

i am like you in that my religious beliefs told me that marriage is suppose to be a one time thing, forever. so when i realized it was over, i couldnt leave at first because it was the wrong thing to do.


i do agree you. Finding someone to confide in, having someone on your side is so important and allows us to get a more clear perspective of things

 

[julybaby04]

i appreciate everyone's answers!


it was the selfless thing to do and shows your true intregity, julybaby. you did it because it was the right thing to do and many people could take a lesson or two from you.

Very kind of you to say that.......but I think everyone has their own path they must follow. Mine got very rocky at times and I made some wrong turns...but that was a long journey that I would not have traded for anything!

 

[Cratchit]

true, we do have to follow our own path, i just happen to think someone can learn a lot from your loyalty

 

[steelrfn]

Agree with most of the other responses, the major issue is fear of change.

Also, the longer one stays married the more the two peoples lives intertwine, friends, family, finances, children, pets, etc.

There's also something of a stigma attached to divorce still, especially more than one, so that plays a factor as well.

 

[Sensualdreamer]

Agree with most of the other responses, the major issue is fear of change.

Also, the longer one stays married the more the two peoples lives intertwine, friends, family, finances, children, pets, etc.

There's also something of a stigma attached to divorce still, especially more than one, so that plays a factor as well.

I think the stigma that may be attached is all depending on the reasons FOR the divorce. People divorce for many reasons whether it be abuse, infidelity, the marriage is irreparably broken, etc., The thing about that stigma is that when you're an outsider - I don't care if you're a family member, family friend, etc., it's SO easy to look at a dissolved marriage and be critical of the divorce, when you're not privy to knowing the reasons for the divorce.

That's one (of MANY) reasons that has hindered me from filing, even tho were people to know all the reasons, most would say "why the hell are you still married"

 

[Cratchit]

well, dreamer, i hope you didn't think i was judging or trying to act like i know all the details to your situation. i certainly don't.

Long ago, before i got a little more maturity, i used to think people were being foolish for staying in a bad marriage. Now i look at it as it's their decision and who am i to question it? The purpose of this thread was simply to gain some insight into what others felt or believed. Some have legit reasons, some think they have legit reasons, and others just use excuses. it's up to them to determine that, not me

 

[monique1971]

My parents went through an incredibly bitter divorce when I was a child. It took five years. I can't even begin to describe how traumatic it was.

As an adult, no matter how unhappy I am, when I think about getting divorced, I freeze like a deer in headlights. I can't. I just can't do it.

 

[Wings27]

My list is much the same as Kendra's. I stayed because I didn't believe in divorce. I still don't even though I am divorced. I stayed for the kids, fearing I'd mess them up. I stayed for my family that always looked to me to be the calm, even one. I stayed because I didn't want to give my much younger sister the idea that marriage is disposable. But you know what, I have learned that I can come out of a failed marriage, because yes it is a huge failure I don't care what anyone says, and grow not only stronger but more capable of love. I got married very young. I fought two battles with cancer, I lost numerous babies to miscarriages, I finally had my two darling creatures after way too much strife. I had a stressful career, I made big bucks. I thought...THIS is how it's supposed to be. But ultimately I couldn't love the manchild I married and he certainly didn't love me after 8 years. I was driven to do and be everything but his ideal wife.

So we split. And it was messy. And it did mess my kids up. And I did disappoint my parents. And my sister did break off her engagement. But I'm whole again.

So I feel for the people here who are married and haven't found their way back to happy. And I agree, there is no such thing as a happy sexless marriage. I'd rather has a happy sexless singlehood any day.

 

[Cratchit]

anyone else care to share?