To cheat or not....

[Blahmangeorge]

Hey all.

I have been a lurker here for a bit. Generally a normal guy, and a but of a perv, which I think describes MOST people out there period, though they dont talk about it.

I've been married 3 years now, to a gal I have been with a total of 8 years. I love her. She irks me sometimes with some of the things she does, but I seriously cannot complain. Sex is great. Sometimes not plentiful enough (though this is NOT her fault, I cant place fault on either of us really), but when we are active, its AWESOME. It tends to be in spurts--we have super-active periods where we do it daily, and then we may go weeks without...

A bit about me--I consider myself a generally moral guy. I make good decisions, but have nasty thoughts. Also, I spent most of my life rather unnattractive. I was 360 lbs in high school. Not much smaller in college. I spent all my college years working, very little partying. I am an expert at what I do because of that, but at the sacrifice of all that other college-stuff. I never got crazy. I HAVE NEVER just picked up a chick at a bar or party and fucked her. Part of it is that I wasnt so attractive. Another may be my self-image and lack of confidence because of that. Plus I didnt go out a whole lot...

Now, I have a great job. I am 130lbs lighter and in shape. I run marathons. Along with all that I notice that women actually look at me now, and MAN I TRULY wish they didnt....

So, sometimes I am out of town for a stretch here and there... and when I go out with friends I notice things. Some women I notice just stare and smile. Thats fine, I take it as a compliment, and smile back--that feels good. Its one of the best feelings there are actually, and I'd rather not even talk to them (is that odd?). But now and again I come across a woman who throws herself at me and makes it very plain that all I gotta do is call a cab and she's mine.... MAN it SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!! Its all I can do not to take her home and fuck her, especially if I've had a few drinks.... I usually just find a way out and leave the place to remove the temptation. ya know, say I'll be right back, and just bail... I dont even want to think about it...

But I do. I do think about it. It'll bother me the rest of the night and for a few days after. Is that strange?


I dunno... My friends tell me its victimless... that the wife will NEVER know, and the girl I'd take home just wants a 1 night fuck anyway... I see all that. But I would know... and not having cheated ever, I wouldnt know how I would handle that. I wish I could feel the guilt just for a day, to know how I would feel...


Im not really here for advice, though feel free to give it! This is just another way for me to vent my frustrations... And I am thankful to have this place!

Thanks all...

 

[footlongish]

:gets popcorn. Sits down. Puts feet up on coffee table:

 

[Starbuck69]

Cheating is just plain wrong, I dont care what the reason is, think of it this way, what is the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel if your wife cheated on you? The temptation will always be there and for me i just remove myself from every getting that close to any one other than my wife.

Now with that said, the ball is in your court, and by the way cheating is when you are with some one else and your wife does not know about it ahead of time.

 

[bobsgirl]

Welcome to Lit, BMG.

I've been married for almost 29 years, and let me assure you, we all still look. There is no harm in looking at an attractive woman or in my case, attractive man. There is no harm in fantasizing about someone other than your spouse. Anyone who tells you they don't look isn't being honest, IMO.

Now as to the cheating. I'm not going to say yes or no. That's a decision you have to make. Consider how you'd feel if the situation was reversed, if your wife was asking the same questions you are.

It sounds like you're a good guy and you really love your wife. Think really hard before you do something that could explode in your face.

 

[Starbuck69]

Thats right bobsgirl, looking ok, fantasizing ok, but cheating not, just my opinion of course

 

[silverwhisper]

dude, first let me congratulate you on getting in shape. that's great!

second: honestly, if there's really nothing missing from your marriage and the only reason you're doing this is b/c of the ego gratification, i think there's a problem.

if your wife were having these temptations and she acted on them, how would you feel if she gave in to 'em? would you care?

your friends are completely wrong that this is victimless. the victim here is your wife, who AFAICT, has done nothing wrong at all, there aren't any serious problems in your relationship, etc.

also, a question about your friends: are they married or single?

ed

 

[Eilan]

also, a question about your friends: are they married or single?

Yeah, these "friends" sound like real pieces of work.

 

[Starbuck69]

Im sorry but if a friend told me to cheat on my wife I would tell them off, because they are not a friend by any massure. I wouldn't be talking to them any more either.

 

[SweetErika]

Condoms don't protect you from everything, and sometimes they come off or break. If you cheat, you're jeopardizing your wife's health without her knowledge or consent. If you love her, you wouldn't do that. Love is doing what's best for the other person.

 

[Llan2193]

Never mind the relationship complications, what if she gets prego? What if she has a STD? What if she is crazy and stalks you? Tells your wife? What if you feel so guilty afterwords it eats you alive and ends up ruining your marriage?

 

[glynndah]

It's quite simple really. If you're worried about cheating on your wife while she's away, just ask for her permission. Can't do it? That'll tell you right there that it's not okay. (I'll bet her answer's NO!.)

 

[Starbuck69]

Im sorry maybe Im just a redneck or some thing but I just dont get it, why cheat? I have been married for over 19 years and and not once have I every even thought about cheating, even when we were argueing a lot I didn't.

Sure I look and but cheat hell NO, I just dont understand why people do it, can anyone explain a good reason that would make it right, because to me it just seems SO SO WRONG.

Actually I'll creat a new post asking

 

[Cathleen]

I don't see cheating in the manner described as victimless. You'll know and therefore will have changed something in your relationship whether your wife knows or not.

Thoughts are not facts so there's no need to feel guilty there. Acting on them will bring guilt by your own admission. I'm not big on feeling guilty, it's a lousy feeling.



(Just a note to say, I did the college thing (a long time ago) and have still never had a one night stand. No need to fall for those sewing wild oats stories.)

 

[INeedLove]

Cheating is not a victimless crime and you can never take it back. If she found out, it will ALWAYS be in the back of her mind. It could erode and destroy your marriage. I never advocate cheating.

If you and she decide to have an open marriage, then maybe the extracurricular activity would be ok. I'm not a big fan of open marriage so I couldn't be objective. There are lots of people on the boards who do have them.

 

[Emes]

How can you say your wife will NEVER find out??? My ex thought i wouldnt find out about his cheating....i did. It was one of the factors that caused our marriage to break up. do you think you could live with the hurt, the pain and the humiliation you would cause your wife????

As has been said...it is ok to look....but to actually doing anything...dont even go there please.

 

[Blahmangeorge]

Thanks all!

I truly got what I wanted here--and thats some people who agree with me--at least what I know is right in my heart.

Those friends... ya, they are ALL married. And all of them will fuck basically anything that moves when they know they can get away with it. It started to make me think that cheaters are the norm.

Unfortunately, I work with them. I do find them to be fun guys, I just wish they would lay off a bit. When we travel (for work), we generally travel together... So, I either go out with them, or sit at the hotel and watch TV...

Woulda, coulda, shoulda... I just never had a "party period" of my life--which most have during their college years. Oh well, we forswear some things for others... I'll trade that any day for the life i have today.

I just gotta get used to the extra attention from other women... For the first 24 years of my life I was basically ignored by em.

When I am back home with my wife, I am happy I made the decision not to cheat.

Thank you all. Like I said, I got what I wanted here--and thats simply more things to think about next time I get my chance for some random ass... While my friends are whispering at me to go for it, I'll keep you guys in mind!

 

[Starbuck69]

I think that is a very good idea and wise

 

[silverwhisper]

i'm surprised that your friends who are married are all suggesting that you do this. i think you're making the right choice, too.

ed

 

[glynndah]

Yes, it's nice to be able to be truthful when she asks you about your trip. I think you made the right decision.

 

[biggrrls4me]

My advice: Don't cheat. My experience: The intriguing fantasy is much better than the painful reality: Lying to cover up, withdrawing emotionally, and the agony for both of you when you are inevitably discovered.

 

[AvaAdore]

Why don't you try a role-playing type thing with her? Meet at a bar, but pretend to be total strangers and try to pick her up. It could be fun!

 

[Quint]

Nice advice, Ava.

I get crushes on people. We've been together for 4 years now, married for a few months. What I've found is that crushes are natural--people don't stop being attractive just because you happen to be married, and I totally get what you're saying about the ego trip. It's natural and the worst thing is for you to pretend that you don't feel what you're feeling. Trying to repress desire (whatever the motivation) will only make it stronger, especially because it's "forbidden fruit."

What I do is be 100% honest with my husband when I find someone attractive. We talk very openly about pretty much everything. When I tell him, I am completely wiping out the part of the crush that's sexy because it's my secret. It takes the heat down a notch. And sometimes that's the notch that makes it just a nice sexy feeling, rather than an urge to rush out and ruin my marriage. I don't know if you have the sort of relationship with your wife that you can tell her when you find someone attractive, but it's not a bad place to start. ESPECIALLY if you reinforce to her the idea that talking about it actually eases your tension and helps you come to terms with it.

That's my experience. Hope it helps!

 

[silverwhisper]

quint: i generally do the same w/ my wife. i agree, it helps.

ed

 

[rthnck]

perchance to dream

You love your wife. You like to look. You're tempted by "no-strings" sex.
Geez, your'e a guy...go figure.

Guys resist temptation every damn day. Don't even entertain the idea that there is "no way" she would ever find out. That is flawed in so many ways. If you yield to temptation you have drastically altered your relationship with your wife (even if she doesn't know). It's like the butterfly effect. One little action can change your universe (and probably will).

Enjoy the looking but resist the temptation. Nothing good can come from it. A couple hours of sex can destroy your life.

 

[subwannabe]

I can understand how you feel that you never experienced that party time in your life and somewhere inside you feel a little cheated about it. I never really experienced a party time in my life either, sexually that is. But, I can honestly say that I have personally witnessed several that did experience that sexually active party time in their lives and it has effected them. Some have had aids, some have herpes for the rest of their lives, one guy owes child support to 4 different women, and I can go on and on. I thank my lucky stars that I didn't fall into those traps that so many others have and you should thank your lucky stars too. You made the right decision and the others gave excellent advice.