Toughen that hide!

[Eilan]

Silly title, serious issue.

Here's the problem: I'm a very thin-skinned person. I don't handle criticism well, constructive or otherwise. I also tend to be overly sensitive to comments that aren't necessarily intended to be critical. That's not to say that I don't learn from these criticisms/comments--I just don't react well when I receive them.

I'm a perfectionist, so I've always put a lot of pressure on myself. I also tend to internalize experiences/comments that aren't 100% positive. My oldest daughter shares a lot of my personality traits, and these tendencies are, unfortuately, among them. Maybe if I can help myself, I can help her.

I should mention, before you start hurling insults at me to toughen me up , that posting at Lit has helped me somewhat, but it's face-to-face interactions that I generally have issues with, not online stuff. That's why it doesn't bother me when we make jokes about my reading comprehension skills.

Thoughts? Advice?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Guest]

 

[Eilan]

I think you make some very insightful points, Scaly.

I think that I do tend to take some comments way too personally than they were intended to be taken. I guess that my problem is that I know that I'm doing this, yet I do it anyway.

I never thought about my defensiveness influencing others' reactions, though.

Here's a silly example: I've mentioned that my hubby and I like to spend some quality time in our jacuzzi tub once the kiddies have gone to bed. It's a good way for us to unwind and talk about lots of things.

So, last week, we were in the tub, and I was telling my hubby about something that happened to me years ago. All of a sudden, he started laughing. When I asked him what was so funny, he said, "I love how you have such a roundabout way of telling a story."

My reaction was a typical Eilan response. My husband was upset as well, because he certainly didn't intend for the comment to be an insult. He said, "But I think what you do is cute."

Overreact, much?

 

[TBKahuna123]

I think you make some very insightful points, Scaly.

I think that I do tend to take some comments way too personally than they were intended to be taken. I guess that my problem is that I know that I'm doing this, yet I do it anyway.

I never thought about my defensiveness influencing others' reactions, though.

Here's a silly example: I've mentioned that my hubby and I like to spend some quality time in our jacuzzi tub once the kiddies have gone to bed. It's a good way for us to unwind and talk about lots of things.

So, last week, we were in the tub, and I was telling my hubby about something that happened to me years ago. All of a sudden, he started laughing. When I asked him what was so funny, he said, "I love how you have such a roundabout way of telling a story."

My reaction was a typical Eilan response. My husband was upset as well, because he certainly didn't intend for the comment to be an insult. He said, "But I think what you do is cute."

Overreact, much?

Oh man, talk about deja vu! This sounds just like my wife too! She tends to worry about things that she did that no one else even remembers. She'll think she screwed something up or did something wrong at some family get together or something and obsess about it, when in reality everyone else was too busy praising what she did right to even notice she did something wrong, if she actually did anything wrong. It's quite annoying really, and but what can I do except keep telling her it's ok?

I really think in her case it comes from an overly critical mother who picked on everything she did growing up. Now she overreacts because she over thinks things. She also takes things waaaay too personally. I think it all stems back to how her mother was constantly badgering her.

There's another side to this, though and I see it in myself too. Those that are the most sensitive seems to also have the thinnest skins. We're sensitive because we can personalize things, but that leaves us open. We then take EVERYTHING personally, and that gets us on the defensive.

So yeah, I've been on both sides of the jacuzzi tub story.

 

[vanelane]

Eilan, I'm very interested in this topic, but I'm not clear on one thing. You say you don't react well and you said your response to your husband's comment was a typical Eilan response, but I'm not sure what that is. I've seen you get a little prickly and defensive in some threads, but I'd love a specific example or two before I comment.

 

[capricious_chic]

Out of curiosity and because you say your daughter is very similar - are you a critical person? Are you slightly paranoid that most others around you are going to say something negative to you and to counteract that do you beat them to the punch?

 

[kiwichyck]

Well I've developed a very thick skin over the years.

I am married to a man who has terminal foot-in-mouth. He has never learned to verbalise his feelings very well, and up until about 5 years ago, had no desire to. I spent a whole crapload of years feeling inadequate and picked on, when he was simply just conveying his opinion or feelings (albeit badly sometimes).

I have learned to let things that I perceive as critism to just wash over me. Its like only half-listening. Just enough to hear what is being said, but not putting enough thought into the comment to internalise it or react emotively. Ignore the tone. Ignore the cadence. Ignore what you think is being said. Stop reading between the lines. Simply listen to the words being said.

It's similar to when we discipline our children - we censure them because of a behaviour not because they are naughty or bad.

When you feel yourself starting to rear back and react stop, take a deep breath, and focus on the words not the feelings

I believe that it is a choice. An example would be communicating your sexual needs in your relationship. You may say to your SO that he needs to change something a little to get the stimulation you need. He can choose to take it as a dig to his ego, or he can take it at face value.

 

[Eilan]

I really think in her case it comes from an overly critical mother who picked on everything she did growing up. Now she overreacts because she over thinks things. She also takes things waaaay too personally. I think it all stems back to how her mother was constantly badgering her.

There's another side to this, though and I see it in myself too. Those that are the most sensitive seems to also have the thinnest skins. We're sensitive because we can personalize things, but that leaves us open. We then take EVERYTHING personally, and that gets us on the defensive.

Yes!

Eilan, I'm very interested in this topic, but I'm not clear on one thing. You say you don't react well and you said your response to your husband's comment was a typical Eilan response, but I'm not sure what that is. I've seen you get a little prickly and defensive in some threads, but I'd love a specific example or two before I comment.

I guess typical for me would be to get upset, almost to the point of tears, because I took the comment personally. Which, oddly enough, isn't how I react when I'm at Lit. I might get defensive on here, but I'm usually not genuinely upset.

Out of curiosity and because you say your daughter is very similar - are you a critical person? Are you slightly paranoid that most others around you are going to say something negative to you and to counteract that do you beat them to the punch?

I tend to be way tougher on myself than I am on others. My parents were pretty critical of me, and I've made a conscious effort to not be that way with my kids.

I also try to avoid confrontation IRL, though my ex used to say that I was confrontational with him.

Ignore what you think is being said. Stop reading between the lines. Simply listen to the words being said.

I think this is what I need to work on.

 

[EJFan]

eilan... i've known a LOT of people like this and the first thing i think of is that i believe you have to approach it WITHOUT thinking that this characteristic is a flaw. in other words, it's not necessarily something that has to be corrected or changed. i believe that, if any alteration is necessary, it's in the internal response to your (or your daughter's) behavior.

essentially, what i'm thinking is that internalizing the stress and/or sensitivity to criticisms is more damaging than being in a stressful or critical situation. i think the best way to counteract that and avoid the damage is to find comfort in venting the stress or discussing the criticism.

maybe if someone criticizes something, for instance, investigate it and try to reach the core of the criticism... sort of befriend the person doing the criticizing and try to create a rapport between the two of you. things sting less when it's coming from someone with whom you can identify. over time, the sting lessens even more.

really, what it comes down to is expanding your comfort zone a little at a time. for now, that's the best i can do. i'm sure you'll tackle it... be confident.

 

[Eilan]

essentially, what i'm thinking is that internalizing the stress and/or sensitivity to criticisms is more damaging than being in a stressful or critical situation.

I think you're on to something there.

 

[EJFan]

I think you're on to something there.

i wish you'd explain it to me then... in reading your quote i don't think it says what was goin' on in my head at the time.

what i was thinking (in case it needs clarifying) is that the stress and criticism themselves aren't as big of an emotional problem as how a person deals with them. aw hell... lemme look at this tomorrow when i'm not playing suited connectors.

 

[Eilan]

what i was thinking (in case it needs clarifying) is that the stress and criticism themselves aren't as big of an emotional problem as how a person deals with them. aw hell... lemme look at this tomorrow when i'm not playing suited connectors.

That was exactly what I thought you were saying.

It's not that I worry about the criticism itself, because I've received valid, constructive criticism that I've truly learned from. It's my reaction to it (occasional denial, defensiveness, tears, etc.) that bothers me. I hate to say it, but it's almost like I hate being forced to look closely at myself because I might not like what I see. If that makes sense--I might have to think about this and clarify later.

 

[kiwichyck]

That was exactly what I thought you were saying.

It's not that I worry about the criticism itself, because I've received valid, constructive criticism that I've truly learned from. It's my reaction to it (occasional denial, defensiveness, tears, etc.) that bothers me. I hate to say it, but it's almost like I hate being forced to look closely at myself because I might not like what I see. If that makes sense--I might have to think about this and clarify later.

Exactly.

The point is that its not really that bad looking at yourself that way. You just have to change the way you judge yourself. Judge yourself on the same basis that you would judge another person. It's very easy to make excuses for other people. It follows that you should only judge yourself by the same yardstick.

The first step for me - and I'm still working on it, was to be able to emotionally detatch myself from the situation. Like being a third person. Imagine yourself observing the conversation from above. Ignore the emotions welling up. Ignore the urge to cry. Concentrate on being impartial. Listen, don't feel.

 

[TBKahuna123]

eilan... i've known a LOT of people like this and the first thing i think of is that i believe you have to approach it WITHOUT thinking that this characteristic is a flaw. in other words, it's not necessarily something that has to be corrected or changed. i believe that, if any alteration is necessary, it's in the internal response to your (or your daughter's) behavior.

essentially, what i'm thinking is that internalizing the stress and/or sensitivity to criticisms is more damaging than being in a stressful or critical situation. i think the best way to counteract that and avoid the damage is to find comfort in venting the stress or discussing the criticism.

maybe if someone criticizes something, for instance, investigate it and try to reach the core of the criticism... sort of befriend the person doing the criticizing and try to create a rapport between the two of you. things sting less when it's coming from someone with whom you can identify. over time, the sting lessens even more.

really, what it comes down to is expanding your comfort zone a little at a time. for now, that's the best i can do. i'm sure you'll tackle it... be confident.

Sounds about right to me, dude. I especially agree with this being a Characteristic, now a Flaw. It's like I always tell my wife, if you didn't get emotional about these sorts of things then you wouldn't be as sensitive. The sensitivity though is also the BEST quality she has and is why everyone loves her. Better to deal with being oversensitive to criticism then to close up and lose the good side of things too.

 

[EJFan]

That was exactly what I thought you were saying.

It's not that I worry about the criticism itself, because I've received valid, constructive criticism that I've truly learned from. It's my reaction to it (occasional denial, defensiveness, tears, etc.) that bothers me. I hate to say it, but it's almost like I hate being forced to look closely at myself because I might not like what I see. If that makes sense--I might have to think about this and clarify later.

i understand what you're saying... you're afraid that acknowledging the criticism might lower your image of yourself.

i think what we have to do when we start examining our own criticisms is to be objective and prudent. there's ALWAYS going to be something we don't like about ourselves (and certainly plenty of things that others won't like) but i think that when we inspect these things we need to consider them in the context of all we are. usually an undesirable trait isn't so bad in scheme of all the things we are... and the person pointing that out ins't getting the whole package when they make the criticism.

so i think that being sensitive to negativity (of the justified ilk or not) is ok... just be sensitive to the POSITIVITY too. don't let the good things get overshadowed.... they're part of you too.

 

[silverwhisper]

eilan quoth
i hate to say it, but it's almost like i hate being forced to look closely at myself because i might not like what i see.

eilan, this is to my mind a classic low self-esteem reaction to unexpected comments.

i don't want you to answer the question right now, but were you criticized often, non-constructively as a child? harshly, perhaps?

ed

 

[TBKahuna123]

eilan, this is to my mind a classic low self-esteem reaction to unexpected comments.

i don't want you to answer the question right now, but were you criticized often, non-constructively as a child? harshly, perhaps?

ed

Actually she said that her parents were very critical of her as a child in an earlier post. This is exactly the response my wife has and we've both always tied it back to the how harshly critical her mother was of her growing up. The irony of it is that now her mohter is completely lost if my wife doesn't go home once a month to help her keep her life in order.

 

[Eilan]

The first step for me - and I'm still working on it, was to be able to emotionally detatch myself from the situation. Like being a third person. Imagine yourself observing the conversation from above. Ignore the emotions welling up. Ignore the urge to cry. Concentrate on being impartial. Listen, don't feel.

That makes a lot of sense. Thanks.

Sounds about right to me, dude. I especially agree with this being a Characteristic, now a Flaw.

A characteristic, perhaps, that I'd prefer to be a little less, um, prominent at times.

so i think that being sensitive to negativity (of the justified ilk or not) is ok... just be sensitive to the POSITIVITY too. don't let the good things get overshadowed.... they're part of you too.

I don't think I let the good things get overshadowed by the bad ones. I think sometimes I have this people-pleaser mentality, though. While I know I can't make everyone happy all of the time, I'd like to.

eilan, this is to my mind a classic low self-esteem reaction to unexpected comments.

i don't want you to answer the question right now, but were you criticized often, non-constructively as a child? harshly, perhaps?

Quite often. Sometimes I think I take the comments more personally when they come from people whose opinions I value. Perhaps that has something to do with it?

Back when I was dealing with students, I'd get some less than positive comments from a few of them and I know that there were a handful of students out there who hated my guts. But it rarely bothered me. I certainly didn't come home and cry because I got a hateful voice mail from the B student who thought my course was unfair because he didn't get an A in it.

 

[silverwhisper]

kahuna: that's odd: i usually remember things like that, but in this case, it appears i missed it entirely.

eilan: i think that's absolutely the root cause of it. everything else you're describing appears to flow from it, kind of a metaphoric spring from which a veritable fountain of anxiety issues forth, if you will.

ed

 

[TBKahuna123]

I don't think I let the good things get overshadowed by the bad ones. I think sometimes I have this people-pleaser mentality, though. While I know I can't make everyone happy all of the time, I'd like to.

Again, your issue sounds exactly like my wife. Wow, I thought her and Erika were really twins seperated at birth. Maybe a triplet?

kahuna: that's odd: i usually remember things like that, but in this case, it appears i missed it entirely.

eilan: i think that's absolutely the root cause of it. everything else you're describing appears to flow from it, kind of a metaphoric spring from which a veritable fountain of anxiety issues forth, if you will.

ed

So if we assume that's the root cause, same as my wife's, I still have no perfect advice on how to fix it. My wife struggles with it and I just help her work through those feelings until she can move on. You can learn to put it aside and not let it bother you so much simply by indentifying it. At this point my wife will start to go off and I can just way woah, you're doing it again, and she'll breath a few times and try to control it. Doesn't always work, but at least then she acknowledges it.

I'm not sure it will ever go away completely, because it's a part of who you are. The only way I can see to get rid of it is to turn yourself off, not personalize anything, and never let your emotions dictate your actions. The problem is if you do that, you lose what make Eilan be Eilan. That's not worth it. Don't throw the babe out with the bathwater.

 

[Straight-8]

In my experience women are definitely more inclined to this 'hyper-sensitivity' than men and I think it is because they are so much more self-conscious. By that I mean that they are very aware of how they are percieved by others. Half the time, I haven't got a clue what anybody else is thinking of me. The down side of this awareness is when it gets to the stage where you allow yourself to, very quickly, interpret any reaction that may not be what you want as a personal slight.

I don't really have any great suggestions but, obviously, being aware of this tendancy in yourself has got to help. I think slowing down the reaction time and considering the matter in as balenced way as possible is the only thing that comes to mind.

Breathe!

 

[silverwhisper]

kahuna: i agree there's no magic bullet here. the only "solution", such as it is, is to reinforce someone's esteem in a healthy way. that's actually quite difficult, IMX. i have some small experience w/ the matter myself.

as a practical matter, i think straight8 nailed it WRT how to manage it on a day by day basis.

ed

 

[Belle_Ringer]

I used to have this super sensitivity to criticism too. It is not nearly as bad as it once was. I think that one reason was that I used to imagine the negative things that could/would be thought about me. I have since learned that the truth is almost never as critical or negative as what I was imagining. I still do this, but usually it is when I am emotionally caught up in something else so that my guard is down, so to speak.

I can't say that I felt my mother, or father, was especially critical of me though.

 

[silverwhisper]

belle ringer (neat handle, btw!): well, the basic issue, that someone whose opinion you value decided it would be a great idea to tear you down repeatedly, needn't necessarily have been at the hands of a parent. it could happen w/ someone else: a respected teacher or other grown-up when you were young, maybe someone w/ whom you were romantically involved when you were older...you get the idea.

now, if that still doesn't fit you, perhaps that isn't the source of it in your case.

btw: i'm sorry to hear that you've had this struggle. that of course goes for you, eilan, and to the mrs, kahuna.

ed

 

[bobsgirl]

Put me down as another person who doesn't deal well with criticism, or with comments that I perceive as criticism (even if they aren't). My husband once said, "Boy, you don't deal with criticism very well, do you?" Oh, boy. Immediate tears. I have the added disadvantage of bursting into tears when I get very angry too, which means I don't argue effectively. And I HATE confrontation of any kind.

I think it is because when I hear criticism, or "helpful advice" as MrB calls it, I feel like he has seen through to the real me and what an awful, worthless person I am. Which, of course, isn't true. I've gotten better at dealing with it over the years, but I still think I'm too thin-skinned.