Toughen that hide!

[silverwhisper]

[gives BG a big platonic hug]

you're damned right you aren't awful or worthless! :>

ed

 

[bobsgirl]

[gives BG a big platonic hug]

you're damned right you aren't awful or worthless! :>

ed

Awww, thanks, ed! What a guy...

 

[capricious_chic]

I guess typical for me would be to get upset, almost to the point of tears, because I took the comment personally. Which, oddly enough, isn't how I react when I'm at Lit. I might get defensive on here, but I'm usually not genuinely upset.

I tend to be way tougher on myself than I am on others. My parents were pretty critical of me, and I've made a conscious effort to not be that way with my kids.

I also try to avoid confrontation IRL, though my ex used to say that I was confrontational with him.

I used to be very defensive about everything and anything (at times I still am, but I have learned to recognize it for what it is). Here is the biggest question you have to answer to change this behavior: What are you defending against?

When we let people in, let them know us well and see them as valuable people or people whose opinions we see as valuable - it also grants them the ability to hurt us. This is why those that we have distance from can say the most horrid things about us and it never phase us. Their opinion doesn't carry weight. Now, in realizing this - you must also take the time to realize that these people that you have decided are that trustworthy are NOT going to go out of their way to harm you - in words or deeds. It is easy to have an instinctive "flight or fight" reaction when put in situations that highlight our vulnerability - and if you think about it, that is all that it is doing when you feel this way. If someone says something that you immediately see as threatening it isn't to you physically, it is to you emotionally.

To change the behavior (and I disagree w/others who state that doing so will cause you to "lose" something of yourself) you have to face your fears and insecurities. It is okay to acknowledge your emotions - it is not okay to burden others with them. You are responsible for your state of being, how you feel and how you respond. No one else can make you feel something - only you can. Also, you are not responsible for how another person feels, responds or their state of being. You can not control how another person sees you, feels about you or talks to you. If someone you like doesn't like you (even if it is fleeting or momentary, and lets face it there are many times in life when we don't necessarily like the people that we love) - it doesn't make you less. We can't expect that people will always like us - although we can expect those people to love us. Which, imo, is more important.

We schedule our money, balance it, weigh it, decide what bills need taken care of right now and what can wait - we can do the same w/our emotional responses. Acknowledge them, allow for time to feel things (even if they seem futile or silly), find the balance of what you want to be acceptable and what you don't, decide what is really important right now and what can wait. Doing this doesn't mean that you will feel things less deeply or change your personality - it will simply give you more control in how you react and respond in situations.

Never respond to anything said to you in a critique (or what you feel is one), good or bad, immediately. Take a couple of seconds and internalize what has been said and say, "thank you". From there it can vary depend on what was said, like: "I am sorry you feel that way" "I never looked at it from that perspective" "That is interesting, although I am not sure I agree" "Why do you think that is?" Many times if we ask for clarification we will receive a response that may surprise us and it will tell you what the impetus of the comment was (like w/your husband in the hot tub - he didn't mean what he said as an attack, you perceived it to be - that doesn't mean that it was and while you recognize that after the fact, you need to find the way to recognize it in the moment).

Confrontation is not a bad word. It is much better to tell someone calmly that they have taken you by surprise, hurt your feelings or any number of responses than it is to burst into tears. Nothing can be resolved if emotions are the ruling factor. It is in our calm moments that we are able to find clarity.

I also disagree that there has to be a root cause. It takes responsibility away from us individually and gives it to someone else. Once we become adults we decide how we want to behave. If you pattern your behavior based on past slights you will be in a constant spin of reacting instead of living. We can acknowledge that our past helps to shape and form us - but we decide from there if those modes of conditioning are acceptable. If they are not then it is up to us to decide to take on a new shape. To not do so is also a decision.

 

[vanelane]

Eilan, I'm in AA, which is really all about changing behaviours that don't work, and I can't help but see similarities between your situation and the things I deal with there. One important thing is that your feelings are your feelings. Denying they exist or believing you shouldn't feel them isn't very constructive. We feel what we feel. However, behaviours are different, and are in your control. We have a saying 'pause when agitated.' Sometimes just simply remembering that you do not have to react to every feeling you have and pausing a moment to decide on your action can make all the difference. So, I guess my two cents is, don't deny what you feel, but remember that you are in charge of your behaviour and you don't have to continue reacting in ways which you don't like. Pause when agitated.

 

[jethrobodeen]

I'm a perfectionist, so I've always put a lot of pressure on myself. I also tend to internalize experiences/comments that aren't 100% positive.

My old friend WildBill who knew *me* quite well once told me:

"If somebody calls you a son-of-a-bitch, you either IS, or you AIN'T, or gonna BE one worrying about it."

That stuck with me, and eventually I was able to view comments with a type of "curiosity" [not the right word but I'm in a hurry]. Do I agree with the comment, is there room for improvement and is this the right time? Of course, some emotion may have to subside... I also learned to allow myself to disagree, I'll even tell my wife now that I won't wear *that label*. Other times she's right and I may even admit it, but I may not be up to making a change at the time.

We put too much pressure on ourselves. It's one helluva tough road trying to be perfect.

-JB

 

[5pintshefound]

Actually she said that her parents were very critical of her as a child in an earlier post. This is exactly the response my wife has and we've both always tied it back to the how harshly critical her mother was of her growing up. The irony of it is that now her mohter is completely lost if my wife doesn't go home once a month to help her keep her life in order.

you know.. in my own life, im dealing with an uber-critical mother also. she thinks shes the be all and end all of mothers. {she threw a fit when she finally found out about lit! } and, personally, i think its an ugly vicious cycle. shes critical about things, that her mom was/is critical to her about. in my moms case at least, shes critical about things that she actually didnt do well with us when we were kids {does that make ANY sense?! } sometimes i think that parents are nasty to their kids in things that they themselves do badly. almost like, i do it badly and because i do, you will to....


EILAN... sweetie.. its hard as hell to get a thick skin, and if i knew how to, id tell you. I am the same as y ou.. the littlest thing could piss me off. and i take things way to seriously. but! the fact that you acknowledge that you DONT have a thick skin, is a good thing, and in my opinion your on your way to changing it. its a long road.. not something that generally happens overnight. lol ive been on the 'road' for a while now..{even to thepoint i was medicated for anxiety disorder--- have been unmedicated for 3 years now! }the thing that has been helping me a ton, is learning to say fuck off to people and things that i cant change. i still have 'relapses' but its all good. having a supportive spouse lol, thats willing to tell you -- no, its NOT that big of a deal helps too! anyway.. so im rereading this, and to me it doesnt make much sense even but lol, it could be because im worrying about it.. so im going to post anyway.. dont worry hun, it will happen eventually!

~5PHF

 

[Eilan]

I'm not ignoring this thread; I haven't been around that much for the past couple of days. Thanks to all of you have responded. I know that I have some issues that I need to work on.

I truly appreciate the contributions to this thread.

 

[Cathleen]

There have been some good words spoken here. My thoughts are more in line with capricious_chic's.

In my opinion, and experience, we most certainly have flaws. We're human, we're supposed to have flaws. Flaws, by their definition are imperfections. We can and should work on our flaws and shortcomings. I know I'm glad to uncover them, that way I can work on them. Most of the time they do interfere with my life and enjoyment of life and others.

Uncovering them can be tough and sometimes we're not ready to know their existence. Other times they are brought to our attention by our reactions or by other people and/or their reactions to us. We can search for them actively or not but once known it can't be unknown. Denial is a one way street and only has an exit door, you can't go back once you've realized the flaw.

How I react to a flaw is within my power. I chose to be honest with myself and have no trouble admitting a flaw. It's that human thing. I have trusted people to help me when I'm ready to work on it. I learn how it works in my life, how I'd like to deal with it, and how it got there too. Sometimes there is a root, often there is, and understanding is helpful to me. But that doesn't give me a pass on the behavior.

The example of the conversation in the hot tub could have been a place to try a new behavior. Maybe you could have said to your husband "That you're laughing hurts my feelings." He would have known how you felt, right then and he could have explained his thought process, that your way of telling a story is endearing to him. Then you would have felt at ease and you both would have learned something more about how and what he loves about you. You'd have grown a step closer for having the experience. Sharing experiences, small and large, are how we connect... each added moment strengths the connection.

The lesson is that by immediately speaking up you short circuted (sp) your ''normal'' reaction. You saved yourself some inner turmoil. Changing our behaviors isn't always easy and it takes courage to identify and admit your shortcoming and that you want to work to change it. You're opening yourself up, it's taking a risk. By having trusted people it can be made a little easier... not easy, but safer. It takes practice too.

New behaviors aren't comfortable at first. The more you practice the more comfortable it becomes and then the newer behavior will become your first reaction/behavior.

edit: Be prepared for others to react to your behavior changes. If one person in a family changes behaviors then the whole unit is changed. It can take some give and take, some compromise but usually it's all for the better. It just takes everyone effected time to accomodate the change.

 

[jethrobodeen]

I'm not ignoring this thread; I haven't been around that much for the past couple of days. Thanks to all of you have responded. I know that I have some issues that I need to work on.

I truly appreciate the contributions to this thread.

It sure looks like you're ignoring it. *ducking*

-JB