two part, somewhat unique, anal question

[TypicalDeviant]

A little background:

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years (since we started college) and our sexlife is good. We're both virgins, she wants to wait until marriage, for various reasons. I really want to take us to that next level or whatever cliche is appropriate, but I also respect her wishes entirely.

My first question is, do you guys and gals feel that anal sex is an acceptable alternative to PIV? Would someone still be a virgin after having anal sex? Obviously, the choice is ultimately hers, I just want to know what others think.

We have experimented with anal play, fingering and rimming on the both of us. I love both the giving and receiving, she likes both as well. I think she'd like it more but her somewhat conservative background has messed with what she thinks is normal... Ah well, we're making baby steps

Which brings us to my second question:
I've read all the anal posts on Lit, perused the Blank Manual, read just about every thing I can find in a book or on the net about anal (and sex in general) but I still haven't found the answer to my newest question...

When I read this thread someone mentioned that you can't go about anal sex the same way that you do PIV...

Which doesn't help me much as I've never done either...

So help me out! If she ever agrees to anal, aside from going slow, working our way up to it, making sure she's turned on and comfortable, using plenty of lube, whispering sweet words of love into her ear and generally making her feel fantastic...

What am I supposed to different? Is it more of a move your hips in a circle thing with less in and out? Should I stay still and pretend to be a butt-plug while getting her off with my hands? Do I stand completely still after penetration and pray that I won't blow my load in the next thirty seconds from the sheer closeness, trust, and love I'd be feeling?

Or do I stick it in and go like this guy?

Thanks so much

 

[EJFan]

My first question is, do you guys and gals feel that anal sex is an acceptable alternative to PIV? Would someone still be a virgin after having anal sex? Obviously, the choice is ultimately hers, I just want to know what others think.

i think it depends on how you define "virgin." if you define it physically, then yes. if you define it emotionally, then it's up to the individual.

virgin is really a very ambiguous term. i personally feel that if a person does anything other than kissing... if they're sexually active in any way... then they're not REALLY a virgin. it's not a big deal at all (to be a virgin or not), particularly when you start thinking that maybe a lawyer should be involved in making the determination. it's a black and white term with a grey definition... and serves no real purpose.

in any event, whatever works for you works... you're only accountable to each other.

So help me out! If she ever agrees to anal, aside from going slow, working our way up to it, making sure she's turned on and comfortable, using plenty of lube, whispering sweet words of love into her ear and generally making her feel fantastic...

What am I supposed to different? Is it more of a move your hips in a circle thing with less in and out? Should I stay still and pretend to be a butt-plug while getting her off with my hands? Do I stand completely still after penetration and pray that I won't blow my load in the next thirty seconds from the sheer closeness, trust, and love I'd be feeling?

Or do I stick it in and go like this guy?

Thanks so much

everyone's different... slow, gentle and lube are the keys for the first time out for pretty much everyone. once anal becomes part of your regular arsenal (like how i threw "arse" in there? ) then you'll learn what you each respond to and what gives the most pleasure.

different speeds, different depths, different angles, different asses, different partners... there's no formula. in this sense, you actually CAN go about it the same way as PIV. that's to say that you just have to have fun experimenting.

pay attention and have fun with it... don't sweat the details.

 

[wicked woman]

She wants to remain a virgin until she's married, but you two are considering anal sex Christ! Kids today!!!



*you'll do what you want of course, but I couldn't resist*

 

[Norajane]

My first question is, do you guys and gals feel that anal sex is an acceptable alternative to PIV? Would someone still be a virgin after having anal sex? Obviously, the choice is ultimately hers, I just want to know what others think.

It depends on why she wants to remain a virgin until marriage, and what her definition of virgin is. If she believes she can have anal sex and still to remain true to whatever her definition of virgin is, then it works. To me, maintaining virginity until marriage would preclude anal sex, because it's penetrative and highly intimate, so it defeats the purpose or principle. But if virginity is important to her only from a hymen-breaking sense, then maybe it works, although her hymen may have been broken already via tampon, fingers, or other activities.

THIS thread is a good read, might give you some things to think about regarding her virginity, and also touches on the issue of doing 'everything but' and whether that's virginal or not.

We have experimented with anal play, fingering and rimming on the both of us. I love both the giving and receiving, she likes both as well. I think she'd like it more but her somewhat conservative background has messed with what she thinks is normal... Ah well, we're making baby steps

Tread carefully here. It's a huge leap from anal play to anal penetration with a penis. I like anal play, but my ass is not somewhere I want a penis, ever.

If she ever agrees to anal, aside from going slow, working our way up to it, making sure she's turned on and comfortable, using plenty of lube, whispering sweet words of love into her ear and generally making her feel fantastic...

What am I supposed to different? Is it more of a move your hips in a circle thing with less in and out? Should I stay still and pretend to be a butt-plug while getting her off with my hands? Do I stand completely still after penetration and pray that I won't blow my load in the next thirty seconds from the sheer closeness, trust, and love I'd be feeling?

Or do I stick it in and go like this guy?

Thanks so much

No, do not stick it in and go like this guy -->

That's a guarantee you'll never go there again. Anal sex is PAINFUL if you do it that way. Anal sex can be painful even if you go slow and use lots of lube, so let her lead the way. Better to let her lead in terms of the motion, let her take you in by pushing against your dick than for you to do the stroking, certainly at first. I'll let the experts weigh in on the specifics, but NO, no ramming.

 

[Norajane]

She wants to remain a virgin until she's married, but you two are considering anal sex Christ! Kids today!!!



*you'll do what you want of course, but I couldn't resist*

Chastity isn't what it used to be.

 

[lettinggo]

I think she'd like it more but her somewhat conservative background has messed with what she thinks is normal...

If her perception of normal (according to you) is already skewed, you won't be helping her by introducing anal before PIV.

Do I stand completely still after penetration and pray that I won't blow my load in the next thirty seconds from the sheer closeness, trust, and love I'd be feeling?

Wouldn't you rather experience that moment for the first time through PIV?

I know you said it's totally her decision, but I just think the whole thing reeks of "how can I get my girlfriend to give it up to me when she's adamant about staying a virgin until marriage?" And I think if you have that closeness, trust, and love that you speak of, you won't try to find a way to convince her that she should try it, in either oriface.

 

[Norajane]

When I read this thread someone mentioned that you can't go about anal sex the same way that you do PIV...

Which doesn't help me much as I've never done either...

Damn, I missed this part when I read your post. No, don't go for anal sex before you've had PIV sex. Learn how to walk before you run.

 

[SweetErika]

My first question is, do you guys and gals feel that anal sex is an acceptable alternative to PIV? Would someone still be a virgin after having anal sex? Obviously, the choice is ultimately hers, I just want to know what others think.

For me (and I'm far from virginal), anal's not an alternative to PIV. It's something we do periodically when the mood strikes; an extra/bonus, if you will. If I could go back to my virgin days, I wouldn't want or agree to having anal before PIV because it takes a lot more intimacy, trust, skill, knowledge, and practice. I also agree it seems silly and pointless to have anal while waiting for PIV.

We have experimented with anal play, fingering and rimming on the both of us. I love both the giving and receiving, she likes both as well. I think she'd like it more but her somewhat conservative background has messed with what she thinks is normal... Ah well, we're making baby steps

Again, this is just my opinion, but I would stick with what you're doing and continue to explore in that arena. It might be good to start with adding toys to your anal (and other types of) play, as it will add a new dimension; help you learn speed, motion, depth, etc.; and can be a great trust and confidence builder for anal sex later on. If I'd have known better, I would have started with toys -- going straight for the sex scared me off of it for years.

When I read this thread someone mentioned that you can't go about anal sex the same way that you do PIV...

Which doesn't help me much as I've never done either...

So help me out! If she ever agrees to anal, aside from going slow, working our way up to it, making sure she's turned on and comfortable, using plenty of lube, whispering sweet words of love into her ear and generally making her feel fantastic...

What am I supposed to different? Is it more of a move your hips in a circle thing with less in and out? Should I stay still and pretend to be a butt-plug while getting her off with my hands? Do I stand completely still after penetration and pray that I won't blow my load in the next thirty seconds from the sheer closeness, trust, and love I'd be feeling?

Or do I stick it in and go like this guy?

Thanks so much

Okay, after YEARS of trial and tons of error, we found the following 'procedure' to be successful (after lots of orgasms, foreplay, lube, etc.). Hopefully it'll illustrate the differences for you, though remember this is just what works for us:
1) He positions himself at the entrance (doggy style)
2) I get a vibe going on my clit, breathe, and focus on the pleasure and relaxation
3) VERY SLOWLY, I move back to meet him. Insertion happens at probably a quarter inch at a time, and takes a full minute or two.
4) When I'm completely relaxed and ready, I start moving slowly
5) When I'm comfortable with the movement, I let him know he can move very slowly
6) Eventually we get going together, but it's not hard, fast, or deep thrusting like PIV...it's slow, relatively shallow, and sensual, more like rocking back and forth or a slow dance. I use the vibe clitorally or on my g-spot most of the time, which gives both of us lots of pleasure. We're a little more vigorous sometimes, but even then the motions are more gentle than faster PIV.

We've been doing it this way for about a year now, and are just starting to work in some variations -- that's how long it's taken to undo the damage of painful experiences, establish confidence, and why I'd advise you to wait until you know what you're doing with PIV and have experimented with toys a ton.

Does that make some kind of sense?

 

[bobsgirl]

She wants to remain a virgin until she's married, but you two are considering anal sex Christ! Kids today!!!



*you'll do what you want of course, but I couldn't resist*

I couldn't have said it better myself.

If you do everything but PIV, the term "virgin" is meaningless, IMHO.

 

[Ezzy]

To me, maintaining virginity until marriage would preclude anal sex, because it's penetrative and highly intimate, so it defeats the purpose or principle.

So Oral sex would be ok for him to do on her, (as long as his tongue did not enter), but not for her to do on him, (but a lick job, not a blow job would be ok)?

Just wondering about your penetrative definition?

Personally, I think saving your virginity is of great moral value in todays society, but of little practical use in the real world. Either she wants to experience sex or she doesn't, if she does then as others have said, learn to walk before you learn to run.

For most guys the thought of anal is too overpowering to do well without a reasonable learning curve, the skill and technique is much higher for good anal than it is for good virginal sex, the temptation to rush ahead must be curbed or you will never get another chance to take that chocolate starfish again.

That said. I do sometimes like to take my wife anally without much movement, and make her come ond come again with my hands as I penetrate her ass, she will thrst and wiggle and I try to maintain a stationary position through it all, she can end up thrashing like a harpooned seal, which produces some fantastic sensations.

 

[Norajane]

So Oral sex would be ok for him to do on her, (as long as his tongue did not enter), but not for her to do on him, (but a lick job, not a blow job would be ok)?

Just wondering about your penetrative definition?

In the virginity context, my definition of pentration is with a penis, either in vagina or ass. Oral sex for either one of them, tongue or digital pentration...all that stops short of what I think of when I think of virginity.

Chastity, on the other hand, precludes oral sex, leaving you with kissing, petting, and masturbation.

 

[Eilan]

My first question is, do you guys and gals feel that anal sex is an acceptable alternative to PIV?

I would not feel that anal is an acceptable alternative to PIV. However, since I won't be joining the two of you, my opinion is irrelevant.

And pretty much what everyone else said.

 

[TypicalDeviant]

You guys are really helpful, thanks for all of the feedback.

As for my part, I probably didn't make it entirely clear that I was asking for your opinions on if it was acceptable or not *before* I approached the subject with her. I figure the people here on Lit would have some well-rounded opinions, which has proven true.

After a bit more thinking and seeing what you all have to say, I must agree that it should wait. The act is similar on the surface, but definitely something best left for people with experience. And for the closeness of it, well... there's other things we can do until the time comes.

However, you guys have still given me some ideas of things to introduce into our repertoire.

Thanks again, I'm glad I decided to start posting here.

 

[SubNebGuy]

She wants to remain a virgin until she's married, but you two are considering anal sex Christ! Kids today!!!



*you'll do what you want of course, but I couldn't resist*

check out some statistics where they ask high school kids what counts as sex.
you'll pretty much find the majority think that ONLY vaginal sex counts. oral, anal, mutual masturbation...these are all put on a level as 'slightly more sexual than french kissing'

to the question at hand: anal sex is FAR more intimate than vaginal sex. there's a lot more trust associated with poking someone in the rump.

and as far as i'm concerned, once you're penetrated, or you penetrate, you're not a virgin...whether its vaginal or anal.

 

[noxiousblonde]

http://www.sexinchrist.com/index.html

Just for a giggle between the serious stuff

 

[TBKahuna123]

This is strangely popular these days. I have a friend who is a middle school teacher who told me that this is the big thing there, that kids consider themselves virgins because they've only had anal sex. WHAT? Good gravy man, when I was in 8th grade I didn't even know what anal sex was!!! I'm all for sexual liberation, but there's something wrong with that.


Now to the original poster:

First off I would agree with everything that was said, especially with holding off on anal sex until after you've had PIV intercourse. The reasons are many, but the most practical is exactly what you said, this should not be your first sexual experience. While PIV sex isn't a free for all, there's certainly more room for error. If you go too fast, too deep or too hard with anal sex it can be very painful and can ruin a woman's view of anal sex for good. The vagina is a "little bit" more forgiving.

I also want to address something else that hasn't been addressed here: waiting til you are married.

I've been there in this kind of relationship, and I'm not going to condem this view at all. There is one thing though that concerns me, you don't seem to want to wait. You want to do it because she wants to, but not for yourself. This is a problem because there will come a time, and it will happen, when things will get hot and heavy and she will want to give in. She will get to the point where she may beg you to make love to her. At this point you have a decision to make.

If you give in and submit to that moment of passion, there's a really good chance that tomorrow she may regret that decision, and that could destroy your relationship. To make a relationship like this work you both have to be willing and able to be strong during each other's moments of weakness, because they will happen. Should it reach that point where she wants to give in, it's time to stop and talk. My suggestion is don't do anything that night. The next day really talk about it, discuss it outside of that moment of passion and come to a decision if this is really the step you both want to take. Then go into it knowing you are together on the decision. There still may be regrets, but nothing that will destroy your relationship, because you've already discussed that possibility.

This isn't an advocacy of waiting, I'm just familiar with these pitfalls. I've seen it go wrong both ways and I know the pressures this can put on a relationship. All I'm saying is that many couples make this vow without realizing what it really means. It's not easy, and when you've set your expectations that high, the fall can be devestating. You either have to avoid that fall or work together to find a way to climb down together. Does that make sense?