U.S.A. Harlots ~vs~ Dastardly Brits

[Fly-me]

Three Brittees gain the Upper Hand

Gadzooks what a journey! Fraught with danger and damned uncomfortable with the Anti-Witch bombs banging about in my cod-piece.

But at last I reurn with the condaleeza rice, vinegar and starch already mixed with a huge dollop of mustard and and a good measure of horse linament.

I see my friend Starknuts has the Strumpet Annabelle Lee hoisted by her ankles.

'Bags first go' I cry stepping forward and readying to apply a large portion of the mixture to her nether regions.

I draw closer - brave man - for tis like looking down Wooky Hole.

I brave the sight and place a dustbin lid over her nether regions to protect myself. Even that precaution still leaves me exposed to the awesome extent of her balding cycle rack and I have great difficulty in applying the mixture while holding on to Urkin's bike
in order to prevent myself from falling in.

The Strumpet screeches with the smarting and we three gallant defenders leave her helpless as we trot off to the Tavern for a well earned bevy before dealing with the other two woebegones.

 

[minnie179]

well, hell and high water, what a mess....at least they have once again turned to their cups.....but will they never learn, never ever leave all three of us together? okay, MissBB, lean over this way so that we can untie each other. great, lets get anna, grab the horse - what a beauty - get the hell out of here while they are drinking and whoring.


whoa, boy, look into my eyes and hear my voice, I am your master now....thats a good boy.....take us three away to safety and forget all about ol'starkdodo brain.....HI HO DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the three vixens ride off into the sunset but we shall return!!!!!!!!!

 

[Fly-me]

But little did THEY know..............

Cleverly realising that Minnytits would try to rescue Annabaldeagle and her crony, I, the Mighty Sir Fly-Me had anticipated that they would try to escape on the flea-ridden Nag close by.

So I had tied its danglers to the fence with a piece of elastic captured from Annabarebums knickers! A good seven furlongs long and as tough as Ukin's saddlebags - mind you, it had to be strong in order to hold The Strumpets voluminous knickers in place.

'We'd better be going' hicced Stardust - 'and try to catch thos three harlots' before they come across some poor soldiers and have their evil way with them.

'Plent of time' said I 'for another bevy. They will be with us very shortly'.

And thus it was. The elastic reached it's limits and twanged back hurtling the nag with the three strumpets through the Tavern door where they landed in pile of naked limbs and boobs and covered in horse shit.

'Ah Ha' cried Starcstruck gleefully, 'They offer themselves ýn submission'.

'Rather you than me' I chortled. 'You'll stink of fertilizer for a month at least.

Still I must admit I was tempted to poke Annabollocks with my mighty lance. She looked quite fetching with her ass in the air.

Must remove Ukin's bike first though..................

 

[starkpic]

Good thinking!

"Send Tyson in to secure 'em with this 'ere hempen rope!" Says I to the resouceful Stirfry.
"Hey, man!" Retorts the naked Tyson. "I ain't a' going in aul thet hoss shit an'all, no way, man!"
Stirfry and I look at each; neither understanding the lingo of the miserable american city boy. We throw him forward anyway.
"Tie 'em before they can regain what few wits they have!"
Stirfry rushes off to fix the fire hose to the nearest hydrant for the hosing down of the wretched women.
"Cold shower for you three, next!" I gleefully tell the strumpets, Ms. Behavin'B, Malevolent Minnie and Annabelle Lee, before Ukin brings forth my flagon of guinness in further celebration of our continuing victory!

 

[Annabelllee2003]

Seems our tits are in the wringer again...

Well my lady friends, I've had about as much as I will take from these three ersatz men.

We know the weak link is Mikie.

"Iron Mike, psst, you'd best not be aiding them further lest you land back in prison with sworn testimony from us three.

"Tie the bonds loosely and then fetch our trusty rides. When they fall down from drink like the piss addled swine of Pa Kettles farm, I want them ready."


---
So easy to fly 'way when the drunken louts lounge like river riffraff.

"To the coven! We going to end this real soon!"

 

[Annabelllee2003]

Tits away!

(before we fly off, we do manage to strip off their pants and position their hands round the tiny purile protruberances of quesitonable manhood... It's fittin'!)

 

[Fly-me]

Yet again your tits are in the wringer …….

Numbnicks Annabelladona…………our British intelligence soars above yours as an eagle to a sparrow. Why even pissed as newts we can still outwit you …………for your addled Colonial brain is barely big enough to cover a pin head.

You were not aware that ‘weak link Mikie’ is really none other than ‘M’ from MI5’s Anti-Witch Dept. And he told me all that you had plotted……..notwithstanding the ‘freebie’ you gave him!

Not only did he tie your bonds loosely but did as the Mighty Fly-Me ordered and also loosely tied your ‘trusty rides’ saddle straps. So as you galloped off, you hadn’t got more than twenty feet before all three of you were tumbled from your saddles and now once more are lying humbly at our feet with your arses raised once more to prop up our noble feet as we merrily sup away contemplating what we should do to you.
Your six tits (which put together don’t amount to half a decent handful) are once more in the mangle.

And now our ‘questionable manhoods’ are about to make your eyes water!

 

[Annabelllee2003]

GIGGLING AND LAUGHING... oh my!

 

[Annabelllee2003]

Our EYES WATER?

Water? Well, yes.

Ah, but Sir Blow Fly, we have an American curse not necessarily resigned to just Americans...

...to cry with laughter at the inept fumblings of you three brutes, unartistic and so sadly lacking in talent.

You possess little knowledge in the art of wielding a mighty "lance" my dear Sir Chigger, and you really should read the manual.

It's not a wonder at all that you've lost most of your empires... and now sit resigned on that little island, diddling your John Thomas's whilst the mighty go forth!

You'd do well to check the references of Michael... he's a bit unpredictable and perhaps more divided in loyality than you think!

 

[minnie179]

okay, the mits are off......ladies, one day soon they will realize that the three they have in their midst are our decoys and that we are dressed in the finest of silk and the richest of jewels dancing the nights away with the royal family and the lords of their fair country spreading rumors of their treason and their lack of "lances" to the ladies.

My Lord, (deep curtsey to show off my lovely DD's), I would so be honored to have this dance. Excuse me MissBB and Miss Anna.


...........so you dumb lacking lances, do what you will with those three, they were merely English Barmaids and wenches we enticed to play us........I would not show in Town though, these fine people are not so keen to meet up with any of you and I have heard talk of them taking on an American tradition for dealing with your kind......

 

[starkpic]

Takin Scott and Burns by their collars...

"What's this, you two?!!!" Swolter Scott and Rabbiton Burns quake in their smelly boots at this confrontation.
"Have ye bin taking money from the Amerricarnals?"
I could not fail to see the guilt within their frozen countenances.
"Why ye dosey jockstraps, what knowledge of English do you possess to think ye capable of teaching it to foreigners?"
"Why, Scott, you nonsensical scribbler, I see your rubbish style within their prose! And you, Burns, your cutty sark spelling shows through like the smell of a bad canada goose egg!"
At this recognition at the beginnings of the USAian language problem, I arrest the two, and call in help.
"Jack Ketch, Isobard Kingdom Brunel and your others with shorter names, get off your arses and take these treasonic blunderers to that Madame Defarge's lock-up! I have other fish to..... whatever you do with fish, anyway, I've no time for cooking!"
I leave hurriedly with a length of finest birch, with which each witch will twitch and itch, wince and weep, wallow in pain and beg again, courtesy for mercy when I strip their skin and begin agin to thrash each ass; they'll wish this day to quickly pass.

 

[starkpic]

Post scriptum....

Feel free 'Ladies' to copy out by hand my previous missive; you will doubtless find it of great aid towards much needed education in the skills of literature.

(Minnie does have lovely DDs, I note!)

 

[Fly-me]

Gadzooks - I nearly fell in!

I first turn my noble attention to the monkey like gibbering of Bike Rack’

I will start by correcting your ill-conceived assertion that ‘It's not a wonder at all that you've lost most of your empires... ‘. Oh what ignorance you show! The simple truth of the matter is that, having beaten seven colours of shit out of all and sundry, including you Americanos, we gave up in despair of trying to teach you how to make your spoken grunts and gargles understandable to even the least educated of mortals and retired to the sanctity and sanity of our Great Mother Land to sadly contemplate our failure to educate you in even the simplest of matters. For example, picking your noses and squeezing the warts and pimples on your vast bums in public!

……………….and we do not ’sit diddling your (our) John Thomas's’, we smear ointment upon our manly parts to try to stop the Scrofulitic rash we caught off you from spreading further!
Which brings me neatly to the answer to your claim that we are unskilled in the matter of how we use our lances for your enjoyment.

Even our great skill and prowess in matters carnal avails us naught when we are faced with such cavernous pits that our mighty lances can not even touch the sides. As a woeful colleague once remarked to me ‘Twas like a paper-hangers bucket!’

Far from reading the Manual as you suggest, I vouch that it would be of better use as wadding to take up some of the slack.

 

[starkpic]

Well, what can I say?"
I stand back in admiration of my esteemed colleague.
"So succinct, my dear Stirfry, you took the words from my mouth and crushed them to a nutshell!"
"Now, for the life of me, I cannot remember whether we have prisoners or they have escaped again! Things happen so quickly 'round here. Mind you, they do say 'fact is stranger than fiction' and I think events here are living proof of that!"

 

[Fly-me]

Allow me............

Ah my worthy and noble friend Starkers.

Allow me to jostle your recollection a little and acquaint you with the latest news from the Colonies.

Minnietits suffers from the delusion (understandable from our knowledge of her befuddled brain) that we have been dealing with decoys!

In truth she has been flat on her back (normal position) snoring loud enough to drown out a tractor………….and DREAMÝNG! The scenes of revelry at our high palaces and courts are all in her feeble mind.

We have them in our compound with the rest of the herd and they await our pleasure. A few thin stripes across their backsides maybe? Strung up by their ankles or thumbs? I leave the choice to you my gallant Comrade.

But pray first tie Minnietits DD’s securely in position so she may avoid tripping over them - or maybe slide them down her jeans to act as ankle warmers.

 

[Annabelllee2003]

Horsefeathers.

Talk of delusions my dear Brit boys.

All three of ya could nail the tight puss of Rosie, the barnyard virgin sheep at once and still have room left over in her, so insignificant are your "mighty lances".

You'd best get some bubble wrap and duct tape to pad out your members ...along with the manual. Oh, and use the BIG bubble stuff, you won't need quite as much.

As for Minnie, she suffers from naught, as we all do, save the persistent whine of your caterwauling voices and the sight of you three standing there like toads on a stump.

And her Double D's are magnificent, you crass maggots. You'd be lucky to ever glimpse such finery elsewhere!

 

[Fly-me]

Codswallop

Twould seem to me that the further gibberings from Annabolloks are but a weak attempt draw our attention away from the matter in hand - the nature and extent of the Witches punishment!

I would point out, dear strumpet, that the only ‘caterwauling’ voice to be heard at the moment is that of Minnitits as she is sported with in the compound by a troop of passing soldiers. If you listen carefully you can hear the soldiers holler ‘It’s like a horse’s collar’ as they examine her and carefully compare what they see with the regulations contained within the Sale Of Goods Act. They decide that what she offers for a farthing is not up to the standard required under the Section of the Act requiring goods to be fit for the purpose for which they are intended.

I am so pleased that you reminded me of the presence of Rosie, the barnyard sheep. After I have finished with your slack sack, I will pay her a visit. After all, she is a damn site better looking!

So, having removed Ukin’s bike from harms way, I open my cod-piece and prepare to give you such a seeing to that you will not be able to ride your bicycle for a fortnight!

 

[starkpic]

I'll get some fresh air, methinks.

"Fly me to the moooon, dah...dah ...dahda...da....
on Jupiter and Mars....dahda da dah....daaaah.."

"Well I've still got the old charm in mi'voice", thinks I proudly to me self, whilst supping mi' guinness.
"Looks like I can relax a bit for a bloody change."
Again I burst into melodic mode.
"Iaaaaaaaaeee... yam a young fellie, thats sazie and bold,
from Castle Connors, I'm very well knowd,
In Newcastle West, I've spent meny an ode
with Judy and Kitty and Mary.
My parents rebuke me for bein' such a rake
and for spendin' mi' time in such frolicsome ways
but I ne'er could forget the sweet nature of Jane....
what the hell was that!" My quality time was suddenly spoiled by the vision of a female cyclist going by a great speed.
"Stroll on! 'Twas the Minnie varmint, on Bill the Butcher's delivery bike and, I do believe, she has his apprentice, (who's 18th. birthday was only last week), in the basket!" This is an emergency and I sup my drink and finish smoking my woodbine as quick as is humanly possibly.

 

[minnie179]

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Look ma, no hands!!!!!!!! and I have once again escaped from those bumbling fools, now, where did we hide that B1? Since I have not seen MissBB, she must already be there and have it warmed up and ready to go......

hey Annabell, nice Hoover but what do you have hanging from the back? is that a codpiece? HAHHAHAHAHAAHHAAH, you took Flymenot's codpiece again??? You go girl.

REGROUP!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh and I have a mighty lance to help us while away the hours until those three idiots find our "gifts" for them.

 

[Annabelllee2003]

Yeah Yeah Yeah... to coin an old Beatles Phrase

Easy to slip away while you grabble and grope trying to find your shrunken lance dear Sir Flatulence.

Regroup we shall Ms. Minnie.

We can't be beaten for we are of the elite... American women...

"American woman, stay away from me
American woman, mama let me be
Don't come hangin' around my door
I don't wanna see your face no more...

...Coloured lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else's eyes
Now woman, I said stay away
American woman, listen what i say."

The Guess Who - American Woman

and we always have been hard to manhandle dear. It's a talent really to inspire such fear and awe...

 

[starkpic]

OH, YEAH!!!!

Hearing a motor bike approaching and being adamant about chasing after malevolent Minnie, I hurl a handy railway sleeper into the road.
Too late, the rider sees my road block and, with a screetch of tyres and brakes, slides sideways into the hedge.
"I am requisitioning this here contraption!" Shouts I holding up a beer mat for the rider to see. However, he jumps from the stolen Sunbeam Speed Sixty, nearly new 1950 model, with Hans Blix Biederbeck propellor drive, Simple Simon steering (as accurate as a bacon slicer), fitted with Bohemian Bath Tub Turbulent side-car,
and smacks a fist on mi' chops. Split-second reaction sends forward my head and a great dent appears in his german helmet; I twist his arm severely but enjoyably behind his back to extract his name and numero.
"I am Osama Bin Laden." He whimpers, afraid for his life.
"Never bloody heard of ye!" Says I, and seeing his tears, I show some mercy.
"I could have you horsewhipped for assaulting me!" I tell him, sternly. "But I 'ave bigger fish to fry. So run off home young man and don't let me catch you again!" The poor frightened fellow ran as fast as his funny long apron thing would allow.
On the bike, a quick kick, and, throttle open, clutch out and, with front wheel in the air, I was off after Minnie the kidnapper.
Bbrrrrrrrrr.... Uuuuuu.....Brrrrrrrrrrr.uuuu BRuuuuuuuu.. up into third and I'm really flying along and can just see Minnie's trail of dust in't distance.
"Hellooooo, Starkieeeee darlinnnnnnggggg!"
"What the dickens!" Cried I at this voice from the bath tub side-car. I glanced to my left to see, with absolute surprise, the only woman west of Hartlepool sea wall, that I could trust. 'Twas Tara Palmer Tomkinson, the farmer's daughter.
"I just knewwww you would rescue meeeeeee, darlingggg!"
"What you doing 'ere?" I reply avec un question.

 

[Annabelllee2003]

Sybil Ludington, Molly Pitcher, or Margaret Cochran Corbin, would be pleased as punch we've joined the battle against the Brit tyrants.

Now whom should I call on to reincarnate?

having had to rely on an old fashioned broom of straw, I streak out to dive at Sir Sticky Biscuit.

Now who the hello is that he's devilin' now? OBL... Well, I was saving this poop for Sir Fubared but, may as well drop it now... Hey - Sir SquidgeyPic - Well done!

With a cry worthy of Annie Oakley, I drop the smelly missle and cackle madly when ole OBL is struck and covered causing him to fall right against Ole Sir Fluff.

Thus evermore I'm secure in my ability to knock a couple of buzzards off a dung wagon ....when properly motivated.

 

[starkpic]

Just closing in ......

Running side by side with Minnie's bike at breakneck speed, I hear a shriek from my passenger in the side car.
"Above Sir Stark! Looky out!"
Just in the nick of time, I swerve the powerful petrolic and avoid our being hit by a seemingly pteradactyllic turd. An almighty stench ensures our departure is of the swiftest calibre, but Minnie has gained some distance again. We duck again as Annabell Lee streaks above us aiming missiles, but quite inaccurately. As she disappears from view and we see Minnie enter, what has to be, the WITCH'S coven, I revise my plans.
"What's happening now, Sir Starkeeeeee, you handsome, loveable man, you?" Asks Tara Palmer Tomkinson, in some besotment of my good looks and courage.
"Fear not, young lady of great wealth, I have all in command!"
Thus ended my consolation and the bike and bath-tub, side-car were quickly hidden.
"Now young lady Tara, I'm going to 'wire' ye up! Hold up your frock to your neck." After some persuasion the embarrassed woman allowed this and with some gentle feeling about, I hid the cables within her bra and panties so they could not be seen.
"Right, you have to go in among 'em and get 'em talking and I, through these 'ere headphones, will become privy to their plotting!" Tara Palmer Tomkinson looks nervous.
"But they might hurt me if they find I'm wired, Starkeeee."
"No chance, mi' girl. Just don't take your clothes off and say you've escaped from me 'cos I think you are one of them! Its a piece of piss. They're dumb as old turnips, anyroad!"
With that, I pushed the frightened girl out into the open and sent her rolling down the hill towards the place of danger.
"Ha ha, rather 'er than me!" I mused to myself as she went from view.

 

[Annabelllee2003]

Well, who's this? This little rag-a-muffin? What's your name girl?

Speak up! And if you want entrance here... why it's down to your all-together first. I don't trust them Brits a hair.

Wired eh?

Annabell sighs with the knowledge and shakes her beautiful head

Okay missy, which sent you? Sir Stark-raving-mad or Sir Albatross? Uncle Ukin seems to have gone missing again, so's I know it's one of the two...

Ah, Ms. Minnie my dear, what do we do with her?

Care to let her play farmer's daughter with your purloined apprentice? Thought so.

Hmm...

And with my All-Seeing Eyeball ($5,243.57 - Saks, Fifth Avenue - pricey eh?) in the shape of a fish, I watch as Sirs Heckle and Jeckle get plowed on pirate rum...

Annabell Lee smiles a sweet, sexy, sultry, devious, smile and goes to her shelves of magical, mytical what-have-you's... selecting a particularly malevolently stinky bottle... (traded two withered Brit codpieces for it, two summers ago - Farmer's Market - Boston)

This will do nicely!

 

[starkpic]

Aye, aye! Sir Flymo

You surprised me sir! What with me wearin' these 'ere head phones an' all."
I recount to Sir Fkyme how I've sent in Tara Palmer Tomkinson with the wires hidden about her close personage and that how we'll be able to listen in and gain the most vitalistic knowledge. We keep our voices low as we peer down at the cavern entrance.
Fkyme shakes my hand with manly vigour, saying.
"Sir, you astound even me! Your ideas, plans and general argie-bargie in these matters is nowt short of impeccable." He seemed to want to applaud but resisted on account of my request for silence.
Fortunately, he, Sir Fkyme, had brought the emergency rum can so to keep warm and maintain high intelligence levels we had a pint each there and then.
"Don't forget we might have to make this gallon last us all night."
He reminded me, thoughtfully, in whispered code.
"You're sure about that Tara Palmer Tomkinson?" He added wistfully.
"'Course I'm sure sir, she's besotted by me and they're never know she wired......Not unless they strip her naked and I doubt that's on cards!"
Together we chuckled, in subdued tone, and relaxed.