MercedesVixen
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what am i supposed to do?
- Thread starter MercedesVixen
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wicked woman
from my travels
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Don't think it's for any of us to say how you should feel. However you feel is how you feel.
As for the situation....it's your bf's situation first...he needs to determine the facts and how he will deal with it...then you can decide what your role will be in it.
My only personal comment is that while it's nice to hear your bf would be prepared to do the 'honorable' thing if the ex gf is pregnant....I think he'd be crazy to do it. Yes kids are better off with two parents...but neither parent needs to throw their life away in a hell of a marriage over something like this. Kids aren't stupid...they know.
Good luck to both of you though.
As for the situation....it's your bf's situation first...he needs to determine the facts and how he will deal with it...then you can decide what your role will be in it.
My only personal comment is that while it's nice to hear your bf would be prepared to do the 'honorable' thing if the ex gf is pregnant....I think he'd be crazy to do it. Yes kids are better off with two parents...but neither parent needs to throw their life away in a hell of a marriage over something like this. Kids aren't stupid...they know.
Good luck to both of you though.
I agree...what you feel is what you feel. It has nothing at all to do with what you SHOULD feel. You can't stop that train of emotion that is barrelling through your heart right now, and all the logic in the world won't make a damn bit of difference.
Keep in mind...from your post, you say yesterday was your anniversary, so you JUST discovered all this. Emotions haven't had time to settle in yet. Give yourself time. You don't have to have all the answers, or any answers at all, at this point. No one would ever expect you to.
Step back and take a good, hard look at the situation, when you can. Your boyfriend got drunk enough to blackout. He did things during that time that he never should have done. Sure, you can understand all that, how those things can happen...but can you forgive him for those things? Understanding is logical, forgiveness is not, and you have to have both to be able to move past this.
Just food for thought...like I said earlier, emotions haven't had time to settle, so...take a deep breath. Take it slow. The dust from this bombshell will settle and then you will be able to think more clearly.
Good luck to you...and please keep us posted.
S.
Keep in mind...from your post, you say yesterday was your anniversary, so you JUST discovered all this. Emotions haven't had time to settle in yet. Give yourself time. You don't have to have all the answers, or any answers at all, at this point. No one would ever expect you to.
Step back and take a good, hard look at the situation, when you can. Your boyfriend got drunk enough to blackout. He did things during that time that he never should have done. Sure, you can understand all that, how those things can happen...but can you forgive him for those things? Understanding is logical, forgiveness is not, and you have to have both to be able to move past this.
Just food for thought...like I said earlier, emotions haven't had time to settle, so...take a deep breath. Take it slow. The dust from this bombshell will settle and then you will be able to think more clearly.
Good luck to you...and please keep us posted. S.
Ezzy
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I would be pissed at the possible cheating, but I would take the warning sign of drinking till he blacked out as a real strong hint...
That does happen with casual drinkers but is much more a sign of alcoholic intoxication, and is one of the things that drunks, have in 60 - 65% of admitted confessions in AA meetings.
So do you worry about the one night stand with an Ex... Of course you do.
Do you worry about her trapping him with a kid... of course you do.
Do you worry about the signs he may be drinking like a drunk... more than the two above put together in my mind.
Do you want to continue a relationship with someone with those signs...? That is the real question, (IMHO).
What are the chances of him meeting her again in the same area... they sound like they are still around each other, from the fact that he says it has happened the once, is a good sign that he wants to be honest, that it happened at all is a bad sign, and honest or not that is where you need to start from.
That does happen with casual drinkers but is much more a sign of alcoholic intoxication, and is one of the things that drunks, have in 60 - 65% of admitted confessions in AA meetings.
So do you worry about the one night stand with an Ex... Of course you do.
Do you worry about her trapping him with a kid... of course you do.
Do you worry about the signs he may be drinking like a drunk... more than the two above put together in my mind.
Do you want to continue a relationship with someone with those signs...? That is the real question, (IMHO).
What are the chances of him meeting her again in the same area... they sound like they are still around each other, from the fact that he says it has happened the once, is a good sign that he wants to be honest, that it happened at all is a bad sign, and honest or not that is where you need to start from.
bobsgirl
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Ezzy, you beat me to it. MV, in my opinion you need to seriously think through how you feel about your man drinking so much that he blacked out. Speaking as someone with a strong family history of alcoholism, you do NOT want to go there. Only once in my life did I drink so much I couldn't remember what went on. It scared me so bad, honestly, I have never gotten that drunk again. And it's been a number of years since I've drunk alcohol at all.
Your man betrayed you. I really hope you can work through it, I really do. But it seems to me that he has a long way to go to earn your trust again. To be blunt, don't be stupid.
Are you more scared that this woman will end up pregnant and you will lose him, or that this sort of thing will happen again? If I were you, it would be the latter.
Good luck to you.
Your man betrayed you. I really hope you can work through it, I really do. But it seems to me that he has a long way to go to earn your trust again. To be blunt, don't be stupid.
Are you more scared that this woman will end up pregnant and you will lose him, or that this sort of thing will happen again? If I were you, it would be the latter.
Good luck to you.
MercedesVixen
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wicked woman
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Another thought I had since you mentioned the condom and were concerned....it would probably be wise to make sure the two of you have safe sex and for your bf to get tested to make sure he doesn't have a sexually transmitted disease...just a thought.
MercedesVixen
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fsumusic1981
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a few things...
He did tell you, after all. If he wanted to hide it from you, it could have and would have stayed hidden. His telling you means something. Maybe that he feels bad about what could have happened.
I know you said you weren't going "to let something as trivial as distance" come between you. But distance is not trivial. I have had a long distance relationship before, and not seeing my partner contributed to feelings of loneliness. Maybe this contributed to his 'slipping.' Don't discount what role the distance between you two could have played in this happening.
the STD checkup for him may be a good idea.
Now, you said he isn't an alcoholic because he doesn't drink much. Gotta let you know, that doesn't mean anything. The type of alcoholic more common in america is the kind who drinks occasionally but excessively. Your bf may be this. The "constant drunk" is more of a european phenomenon.
So, if he drinks himself into oblivion, you gotta ask two things. One, is this common when he drinks? Two, why is he doing it?
If it is common, he should consider quitting his drinking. If he can't do it on his own, tell him to go to AA, or to some other support group. If he's in college, there will be plenty of non-AA groups he can go to.
And find out why he drinks himself into oblivion. Like most people, he may have some issues with his current lot in l ife... ie- the distance separating the two of you.
I gotta ask, how long until you two will no longer be separated?
Good luck... I hope this helps.
-Peace
He did tell you, after all. If he wanted to hide it from you, it could have and would have stayed hidden. His telling you means something. Maybe that he feels bad about what could have happened.
I know you said you weren't going "to let something as trivial as distance" come between you. But distance is not trivial. I have had a long distance relationship before, and not seeing my partner contributed to feelings of loneliness. Maybe this contributed to his 'slipping.' Don't discount what role the distance between you two could have played in this happening.
the STD checkup for him may be a good idea.
Now, you said he isn't an alcoholic because he doesn't drink much. Gotta let you know, that doesn't mean anything. The type of alcoholic more common in america is the kind who drinks occasionally but excessively. Your bf may be this. The "constant drunk" is more of a european phenomenon.
So, if he drinks himself into oblivion, you gotta ask two things. One, is this common when he drinks? Two, why is he doing it?
If it is common, he should consider quitting his drinking. If he can't do it on his own, tell him to go to AA, or to some other support group. If he's in college, there will be plenty of non-AA groups he can go to.
And find out why he drinks himself into oblivion. Like most people, he may have some issues with his current lot in l ife... ie- the distance separating the two of you.
I gotta ask, how long until you two will no longer be separated?
Good luck... I hope this helps.
-Peace
Betticus
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It would help to know how old you and your boyfriend are.
All I can think to say at this point is to be prepared for it to happen again. As far as how you are feeling about it, you hurt the ones you love. You'll forgive him because you still want to be with him but you will have to figure out for yourself if the loss of trust and respect will eventually have a negative impact on the duration of your relationship.
He's a thousand miles away and living his own life seperate from yours, will you now always be wondering if he's doing something stupid?
All I can think to say at this point is to be prepared for it to happen again. As far as how you are feeling about it, you hurt the ones you love. You'll forgive him because you still want to be with him but you will have to figure out for yourself if the loss of trust and respect will eventually have a negative impact on the duration of your relationship.
He's a thousand miles away and living his own life seperate from yours, will you now always be wondering if he's doing something stupid?
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