What do you call someone who you find extremely attractive only after being around them?

[ronde]

Wait just a GD minute, is this not a common experience that most people have felt at times??

I think it's very common in the workplace and probably in higher education as well.

I met her and didn't like her. I thought she was pushy and more that a little stuck on herself.

Then I got to know her. I still think of her as my "work spouse".

 

[Erozetta]

So, vocab and/or description question for y'all...

Have you ever known someone who you don't find conventionally attractive, UNTIL you've spent some time around them, as a friend or coworker or something?

Like, maybe they're a little too fat, or a little too skinny, or a little too plain, a little lopsided, or some other attribute that doesn't particularly get your gears turning. If you just saw them in a crowd or just looked at a picture of them, they would do nothing for you.

But then you start to observe the way they talk, the way they move their body, their smile or their mannerisms or their sense of humor, and suddenly one day you GET IT

Their whole *gestures vaguely at this person* is so much more than the sum of their parts, in a way that you didn't expect and can't articulate?

I think @ElectricBlue particularly does a good job of writing characters like that, especially in his "At the Hardware Store" series

But how would you concisely talk about someone like this? Is there a word or phrase that gets to the core of this experience??

I'd call it a friendship unless it progressed to more, then it'd be a relationship.

As to that experience, yeah, what your describing is essentially the demisexual or demiromantic experience of developing feelings for a person only upon getting to know them.

It can also be an element of the pansexual experience, where you're more attracted to a person as a whole rather than the defining components around sex or gender expression.

This is an element in a story I'm writing now about a demisexual who keeps "ruining" friendships by developing feelings, acting on those feelings, and then finding the other person was just along for the ride/the relationship changes to something she or they don't like anymore.

 

[PennyThompson]

I'd call it a friendship unless it progressed to more, then it'd be a relationship.

As to that experience, yeah, what your describing is essentially the demisexual or demiromantic experience of developing feelings for a person only upon getting to know them.

It can also be an element of the pansexual experience, where you're more attracted to a person as a whole rather than the defining components around sex or gender expression.

This is an element in a story I'm writing now about a demisexual who keeps "ruining" friendships by developing feelings, acting on those feelings, and then finding the other person was just along for the ride/the relationship changes to something she or they don't like anymore.

Welp... I think I might be having a realization right now

Sorry for accidentally bringing everyone along for the ride

 

[SimonDoom]

I know exactly what you are talking about. I don't think there's any one way to describe such a person. If I were to do it as a writer, I would try to set up the POV character in a way that the person being noticed somehow said or did something that met the POV character's needs or tastes in some way. It can be something simple, like suddenly discovering that you both like the same obscure band, or the same book. A chance connection.

 

[TheLobster]

Wait just a GD minute, is this not a common experience that most people have felt at times??

It is a common experience, but since it's 2025 everything needs a fancy new label and a stripe on the rainbow so here we are.

 

[CyranoJ]

So, vocab and/or description question for y'all...

Have you ever known someone who you don't find conventionally attractive, UNTIL you've spent some time around them, as a friend or coworker or something?

The words I would use are "charismatic," "compelling," "charming," "riveting," "fascinating," "enchanting," "bewitching," just off the top of my head. There are certain specific women and nonbinary friends I would call "handsome" in that they're not conventionally "beautiful" but who still merit any or all of those descriptors. Men who merit the descriptor "handsome" are still all of those things, which I suppose illustrates certain gender dynamics in itself. Along those lines, men I would call "beautiful" would also typically have gender descriptors that aren't usually male: interestingly, I think the last four descriptors would tempt me in those scenarios too.

 

[THBGato]

Welp... I think I might be having a realization right now

Sorry for accidentally bringing everyone along for the ride

I think I'm joining you!

Describes quite a couple of my past relationships plus my marriage!

 

[THBGato]

Back to your original question, aren't you describing a slow-growing crush?

 

[calmlikeabomb]

Striking on the second glance?

Or

Her loveliness drenched me slowly, like gently falling rain.

 

[Noor]

It isn’t them, it’s you. It’s a Demi thing.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

This actually describes my attraction to my wife.

We had gone to the same high school, graduated the same class year, but due to the size of our class, we had never met. Thirty-eight years later we find ourselves on social media and learn that we are living 90 miles apart. We start communicating about our class reunion in a couple of years and meet for lunch one weekend.

We're both in relationships with other people so the lunch is non-eventful to say the least (she had even brought her sister along). Maybe we're both a little stand offish, but I certainly felt it beaming off of her that day. We kept in casual contact through social media until the months preceding our reunion when we decided to meet for lunch again to work on some of the details for the event.

Meeting me at a state park half way between our homes was the most attractive woman I had ever seen. She looked exactly the same, yet totally different. Her attire was perfect for the weather and the natural environment. The spaghetti strap top left most of her shoulders exposed, her hair in a ponytail revealed her sensuous neck, and the short shorts covering her perfect ass took my breath away. I found one of the pictures from that day:

 

[OffNSFW]

As someone who finds people hot mostly because of their weirder traits and is rarely moved by conventional attractiveness, I'm going to go with "hot."

 

[AwkwardMD]

It is a common experience, but since it's 2025 everything needs a fancy new label and a stripe on the rainbow so here we are.

U mad bro?

Google says 1-3% of the population. ASMR is experienced by ~20% of the population (a number that barely qualifies as "common"), and the term for that originates at the same(ish) time.

In other words, rare enough that it took the internet coming along for a critical mass of weirdos to recognize themselves in each other.

 

[AwkwardMD]

The same reason we're all here! It's the human experience, baybee!!

 

[Cagivagurl]

Personally, the harder you try to label it. The more difficult it becomes...
Instant attraction is probably less common than a growing affection... I think that is the way most relationships begin...

We meet and slowly fall in love... Maybe already friends, or perhaps just met. You spend time together, find small things that glue you together... Liking similar things.... Laugh at jokes together... An attraction builds, is it chemistry... Emotion... Love...

To hard to define... but it happens. relationships start like that... A flickering flame... an ember glowing... The fuel triangle is built...
Love at first sight... I think that is probably more unusual...

Cagivagurl

 

[Kumquatqueen]

If that's always the case for you, that's the definition of demi sexuality, but I figure it's the case for a lot of people a lot of the time, just not all the time. The majority of people can become attractive if they have a decent enough personality. Not that many people have the looks to attract without a personality to go with. I put a rant in my last story:

Richie's sister had once informed him, "There's men who women want to fuck just because of what they look like. That's Keanu Reeves, and about three others on the planet. Then there's the nice-looking few who just have to not be dicks: they maybe make up a quarter of your options. And then there's all the ones who have to win you over on personality, but then they start to look more attractive. That's most blokes!" She'd rolled her eyes, unexpectedly fierce, before continuing, "The amount of men too ugly to ever score? About zero. It's always their attitudes and them being fucking twats."

She'd then debated if sleeping with guys too easily turned them into dicks. Or, possibly, could boost their confidence and personality? Experiment ongoing. And mused that the really gorgeous ones did all seem to be dicks. Except, according to the news, Keanu Reeves, but he was taken already. Would sex with the others be worth it?

Richie had replied, "Ah. What my college mates refer to as 'ball gags'. You'd fuck them, as long as they can't talk..."

 

[NotWise]

Were I to write such a relationship I wouldn't look for a word. I'd probably start by noticing the characteristics that weren't attractive and then develop the characteristics that were attractive. It seems like a tension-building opportunity. You're not going to get much tension from a word or phrase.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Attraction is about so much more than just simple aesthetics. It takes time to see the mannerisms, body language, the way people move, and the sexuality they exude. And this is still without getting to know the personality of someone, which can also be quite sexual and attractive.

I've heard of people who allegedly fell in love by looking at a picture, or from the first second they laid eyes on someone, but I think those are either great exaggerations, or those people are simply idiots.

 

[PennyThompson]

Google says 1-3% of the population.

That's approximately the same proportion of the global population as redheads

 

[yowser]

"Oh Ron, you're positively a tendril! Sure, you looked like a weed at first and now you've intertwined yourself around my innermost essence!"

 

[JrkngSwede]

Is there a word or phrase that gets to the core of this experience??

”Great Catch”?

 

[TheLobster]

U mad bro?

That you misunderstood what I was saying? No, not really. It is in line with my expectations in this regard.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Okay

 

[krystalg]

Have you ever known someone who you don't find conventionally attractive, UNTIL you've spent some time around them, as a friend or coworker or something?

While I'm not positive this is the term you're looking for, the word "Charisma" comes to mind.

Example:
While I didn't find his appearance lust-inducing—definitely not the image my impassioned mind dredged up during my torrid masturbatory fantasies—his jovial personality and magnetic charisma held infinite allure. What the man lacked in physicality, he more than compensated for with his mesmerizing aura.

 

[BadgirlAmy]

sometimes we just "click" with a person...i had an experience like this..charisma, personality and confidence goes a long way and can be the thing that draws you in