What does this say about someone?

[boston_bbw]

I have a good female friend who is in her mid 30's, single, shy, and pretty inexperienced with the opposite sex. I have found a pattern of her being interested or even involved with guys who are really not all that available to her and I don't know how to bring it up with her. The last few guys I have heard about nonstop have been A. a guy she only knew from online who lived states away and in the process of a divorce, B. a guy who was married with kids and in an open relationship (physical intimacy with this one) and C. a guy who is in an unhappy relationsip with his girlfriend (also physical intimacy involved) and I know his girlfriend thinks she is the only one.. . On 1 hand I am glad she is happy. On the other I think she deserves better, can do better, and really deserves more then being 2nd best to anyone. I know she has been raped in the past and I didn't know if that played a part in this as well. I am seeing a very destructive pattern and really think I need to do my part as a good friend and mention it.
Any thoughts??

 

[DelicateFlower]

It sounds as if your friend is on the path of just getting her heart broken...

I feel for her, because at one time I was in a similar situation and I also feel for you because my friends had to talk to me about it.

The only advice I can give is to bring it up gently with her. Try to keep an open mind about what she has gone through in the past. Just tell her that you are worried about her and that you don't want to see her hurt.

Maybe some others will have some suggestions as well

Good Luck.

DF

 

[Lyrical Fool]

I know she has been raped in the past and I didn't know if that played a part in this as well. I am seeing a very destructive pattern and really think I need to do my part as a good friend and mention it.
Any thoughts??

It may very well have. Lots of funky and seemingly irrational thoughts and behavior patterns are the product of rape -- especially if she's not exactly over the situation. Lots of things probably play into it -- not just the rape.

Sounds like she has self esteem issues in addition to fear of intimacy. It's funny how sometimes we fear the lives we really want. It's a lot easier to accept the position of second best if we fear what would happen if we invest everything into a "first" position.

I'd recommend counseling for your friend. Until she gets to the point where she realizes her true worth and realizes that she is afraid (or whatever the issue is that keeps her replaying these second best patterns), she'll never break the pattern.

It sounds like you really care a lot about your friend. Be supportive, be empathetic, do what you can to counteract any negative images she portrays of herself without lying.

But, in the end, it's her choice alone. And nothing will change until she really wants it to.

The Fool (and the voice of experience in this case)

 

[Cathleen]

Hate to be able to relate to you friend. I used to only date those unavailable - emotionally, physically and relationship status. I don't want to go into all the details but with help I was able to see the reasons of my behavior.

To be sort of vague, it was about what I feared, that is to be vulnerable, intimately and physically. I was afraid to be wide open because I would be rejected. That fear motivated me to only want a man that wasn't able to give himself totally too. There was a built in 'eject button'.

The reasons for me began in childhood. I feared men. I'd been hurt in many ways starting with my father and others. Finally I shut down totally but not until I sort of ran the gamut of putting myself in bad places. Shutting down isn't healthy either. It seemed like a swing of the pendulum, it was extreme but it was what I thought was protecting myself.

With help I did learn much. I have made significant behavioral changes but not without major jitters. Allowing myself to be open and vulnerable to me is like an anology of having open heart surgery.... cut down from neck to bellybutton and there is all is... to be rejected for any number of reasons.

I'm glad your friend has you. If I would find myself in your position I would definitely speak up. I'd be gentle with words but I wouldn't be with how you care for her. I would offer her the advice of therapy, we need to uncover the reasons we do what we do and then we can work on making some healthy changes.

 

[fgarvb1]

I have been in therapy with people who do those things. If nothing else she will find another way to sabotage the relationship.

She has a fear of intimacy as well as commitment.

Don't go get your heart broke.

 

[Ezzy]

I have been in therapy with people who do those things. If nothing else she will find another way to sabotage the relationship.

She has a fear of intimacy as well as commitment.

Don't go get your heart broke.

I agree it sounds like a defense mechanism to me, the less really available they are the more she likes the sound of them; they are breakups waiting to happen.

This will likely be a self fulfilling prophecy, and stems in my opinion from poor self esteem issues she has, most probably caused or exacerbated by her attack (rape).

Support the idea of her getting help about her issues, stay away from a relationship with her other than as a friend.

 

[Cathleen]

<snip>

Support the idea of her getting help about her issues, stay away from a relationship with her other than as a friend.

Ezzy, I am not understanding this part.... could you expand on it please?

I do agree it is partly self esteem - it is actually a lot of things. Part of my thoughts were I wasn't worth 'prime time', sort of like accepting the scraps. That position was somewhat comfortable but I always knew it didn't feel good.

 

[krazeekat]

From what I've read, I feel that she needs to find her self-worth. Whether conscious or subconsciously she may be telling herself that she's not worth having a better person. Hence she "latch" on to the types that will open her to more pain and self destruction. Could it be that she has not even begun to love herself? Maybe she needs just that .. she needs to learn to love herself first. Only then will she be able to open her eyes and heart to someone who is truly worthy of her love.

 

[Ezzy]

Sometimes you can push too hard and the friendship heads down the pan, give the support but don't make it conditional on the friendship, she is a grown woman and may not take someones good intentions the right way.

So I say support her getting help, but don't strain the friendship to do that.

I would not try double dating with her or providing her with your male friends you think would suit her, this way lies trouble if something else goes wrong with one of them.

 

[fgarvb1]

From what I've read, I feel that she needs to find her self-worth. Whether conscious or subconsciously she may be telling herself that she's not worth having a better person. Hence she "latch" on to the types that will open her to more pain and self destruction. Could it be that she has not even begun to love herself? Maybe she needs just that .. she needs to learn to love herself first. Only then will she be able to open her eyes and heart to someone who is truly worthy of her love.

..................................................................................................................................

I wouldn't be surprised to find she has some abandonment issues. Tragically she could have become attracted to men of that type.

Some of the I love you go away syndrome.

I'd bet she can spot a man who is either emotionally or physically unavailable.

Like candy to a baby.

Don't misunderstand me...My heart goes out to her.

Been there done that. Fuck the tee shirt is still in my closet!

 

[krazeekat]

..................................................................................................................................

I wouldn't be surprised to find she has some abandonment issues. Tragically she could have become attracted to men of that type.

Some of the I love you go away syndrome.

I'd bet she can spot a man who is either emotionally or physically unavailable.

Like candy to a baby.

Don't misunderstand me...My heart goes out to her.

Been there done that. Fuck the tee shirt is still in my closet!

I understand where you're coming from.

It's like a vicious cycle and she's the only one who can end it. No one else can do it for her.

 

[Meladie]

From experience, you can do your part to help her, but she's got to break the cycle herself. Be there and be supportive as you are.