What made you laugh your ass off today?

[Saucyminx]

I went to school with a girl whose last name was Tittsworth. Her front name was Oteeka. I told my family this and the swore I was making it up.

Want the pic for proof? Tho this lady's name was not Oteeka.

Further proof that I should change my name: At work today, these 2 college age guys kept coming up and choosing cereal directly on top of me. I kept moving--and actually that was pretty funny in and of itself. They went around the corner, and i heard one of them say "oh my God, did you see the tits on that?"

Another vendor was in the aisle near me--and he and i looked at each other and he said, "I don't think they mean me." We fell out.

 

[Quoll]

my wife loves me to play with her ass while we do the dog

This was just posted in the HT doggy style thread.

 

[Eilan]

My best friend teaches at a small business college. One of her students, a single man in his early 30's, has had some serious medical problems that have caused him to miss several classes. According to the school's policies/procedures, this student has missed enough classes to be automatically withdrawn from the school, though he could prevent this from happening by filing some sort of paperwork and providing documentation from his doctors.

His mother accompanied him to the school yesterday to complain about this policy. She accused administrators of treating him like a child.

 

[midwestyankee]

My best friend teaches at a small business college. One of her students, a single man in his early 30's, has had some serious medical problems that have caused him to miss several classes. According to the school's policies/procedures, this student has missed enough classes to be automatically withdrawn from the school, though he could prevent this from happening by filing some sort of paperwork and providing documentation from his doctors.

His mother accompanied him to the school yesterday to complain about this policy. She accused administrators of treating him like a child.

So....will the sequel to this be titled Mrs. Pot Meets with Dean Kettle?

 

[Phaedre]

His mother accompanied him to the school yesterday to complain about this policy. She accused administrators of treating him like a child.

That is very, very sad...

 

[Quoll]

Some sticking keys left me with this interesting typo. "here I was sleeping soundly, quietly reaming,"

 

[Saucyminx]

Some sticking keys left me with this interesting typo. "here I was sleeping soundly, quietly reaming,"

And just how did the Mrs. feel about that Quollster?

 

[Quoll]

And just how did the Mrs. feel about that Quollster?

I don't know. Should I have woken her first?

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

hacked into my x's plentyoffish account and told one of the females' not to let him anywhere near their children

 

[Saucyminx]

I don't know. Should I have woken her first?

Well that depends. How cranky is she when you wake her up?


So this didn't make me laugh, but i thought you guys would get a chuckle. While still groggy this a.m., i was in the shower and accidentally grabbed the tea tree oil soap to wash some rather. . um. . sensitive areas. May i say "WOOOOOOWEEEE. Is that refreshing." So one of two things is going to happen for the rest of the day. I am either going to look at men with a ravenous expression on my face, or i'm going to walk with a limp. Haven't quite decided which yet. . .

 

[midwestyankee]

Actually it was a few days ago that my oldest pointed this out to me, from a site called somethingawful.com (it's in the comedy goldmine if you're interested).

From a thread entitled Retarded Customer Stories, from a contributor who works in a bookstore:

Customer: I'd like Shakespeare's Hamlet.
Me: Here ya go.
Customer: Is this the English translation?
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ... yes.

 

[Revluc]

The other night while playing World of Warcraft, our little guy came in the room and saw me running back to my corpse because I had gotten cocky and died.

He asked me a couple questions about what I was fighting and how I had died and then said, "Does it hurt little boy? Are you going to cry now? Well suck it up and be a man."

 

[silverwhisper]

rev, that's truly a thing of beauty!

must...sig...snarkiness!

 

[EJFan]

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower--Cooter, Pete and K.C.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is
killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete says,

"Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her, "You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said
"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

*Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

 

[lost5pints]

a case of childrens hearing....

Well tonight me and 5pintshefound were leaving the store. After unloading the cart i put the little one in the car seat and she put the car away. I got into the car and drove up to her. Being the cheesball that I am i rolled down the window and said "Hey sexy want a ride." Well she hopped in and said "Yes I need you to save me from my scary husband." To this I replied "what makes him so scary?" Under her breath "he's got a big dick."

Fine fun except for it was not quite under her breath enough and our 7yo son pipes up "A BIG DECK?" So she turns 37 shades of pink and answers " has a large patio behind the house back in the US."

Needless to say we need to be a bit more careful.

L5P's

 

[Nightbird]

THAT WAS FUNNY!!!

 

[woodflower]

I Think You're The Father Of One Of My Kids...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[pleasteasme]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Oh my...

 

[Quoll]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realise it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright
ideas from penetrating... The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

5. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole..

 

[Wankia]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle..

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple

who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.



The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.



Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

[tenedaveslilslut]

What made you laugh your ass off today?

Master is 9 years younger than me and we were chatting on yahoo this morning and he briefly touched on something that happened during World War One and then he asked, "that's when you grew up, isn't it?" and had that little innocent angel icon flapping her little wings, he thought he was so innocent and i started laughing and said

"oh Master, you are soo bad, lol."

Then he asked, "so it's not true, then?"

and i replied, "only by a couple years....i look pretty damn hot and sexy for my age, don't i?"

i guess you had to be there, but i really needed a good laugh as i have been a bit down these days with the things that have been going on in my family.

i then proceeded to thank him for making my heart laugh this morning. He always knows what i need when i need it. i love him.

 

[Quoll]

Found this in a PC mag.

WOW TURNS TO OOOPS!
A World of Warcraft enthusiast was bragging on a local message board about how he was up playing way, way past his bedtime. The only problem is, his mum plays WoW too and saw the posting, landing the MMORPG fanatic squarely in hot water. "Pardon me for hijcking this thread, here...," posted his mum, "but if you don't want your mother to know you were up and on the computer at 3:29 in the morning -- don't post on a forum that she reads. Busted. Grounded."

 

[EJFan]

this clip of frank caliendo... the classics always make me laugh.

i had the pleasure of working with him as he was negotiating for "mad tv." unfortunately i made an ass of myself in the green room while talking to him before he went on. he was telling me about a bit he was working on and i told him i'd heard it... impossible, of course, since it was a work in progress... i recovered very well by explaining that i must have heard another comic do it.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Got these in an email yesterday.

 

[pleasteasme]

Funny t-shirts!

http://www.prankplace.com/images/tshirts/bt/dreams_big.jpg