When It Comes Time To Move On...

[catalina_francisco]

We have discussed here at times about legal preparations in the event of our or our others' death, but I have not seen a discussion of how people would approach the funeral, memorial service, and eternity. Morbid I know, but shit happens and none of us is going to go on forever. So that brings me to think about headstones and/or memorial plaques and whether you would want it put on such things that you were the PYL/pyl of X? It is customary to mention being the wife/husband, daughter/son, father/mother etc., so would this also be acceptable to you in your final earthly statement? Would it be OK to mention during your funeral/memorial service by the one/s who were involved in such a relationship with you? If you believe in eternity, do you believe your D/s continues beyond this reality and into the beyond? Do you feel comfortable with your PYL/pyl perhaps choosing to have a similar relationship with another after you have gone?


Catalinahttp://www.world-of-smilies.com/wos_sonstige/daz.gif

 

[subtleone]

Interesting, if morbid, question Cat.
I guess at this present time I would not blatantly put/want anything D/s related, but my D/s relationship is maturing all the time so when the time (eventually) comes who knows? That aside there are probably more subtle ways of doing the same. Right now I'm too tired to think of any clever epitaphs but I know there are some highly intelligent, poetic Lit'ers that can fill in the blanks.

 

[BiBunny]

Ooh, that's hard. I honestly have no idea what I'd want, though.

As far as mementos of the relationship go, I like this approach. A couple I went to high school with were engaged. The girl was in my class. The guy, who was two or three years older, died in a car accident. She was, of course, devastated. In the obituary that came out in the paper, his survivors were listed as his family members and "special friend, 'Jenny Cook' (not her real name)." I thought that was a nice way of incorporating her into it. I believe I'd like something like that for my own funeral.

 

[Cheshire D]

In the obituary that came out in the paper, his survivors were listed as his family members and "special friend, 'Jenny Cook' (not her real name)."

She was engaged to him and all she got was a "special friend" mention? I'd be pissed if I found that and I were her. (This is, of course, assuming she didn't know about it.) If she did know and approved....was that all she felt of the engagement...that they were "special friends" instead of "soon-to-be husband and wife"?

Sorry, that doesn't make any sense to me.

To answer the question originally....I dunno. At this point in time, I am single so I can't really say. If I were to find my PYL love of my life...I don't know. I want to be known for more than just "X's sub" or whatever could be chosen. I'm more than that (and will continue to be such, even if/when I am taken and no longer single) and I don't really want people to see that label and think that that is the only thing. But as I said...I can't really contemplate....death. It seems so far away, though I know statistically it could very well be right behind the corner.

 

[BiBunny]

She was engaged to him and all she got was a "special friend" mention? I'd be pissed if I found that and I were her. (This is, of course, assuming she didn't know about it.) If she did know and approved....was that all she felt of the engagement...that they were "special friends" instead of "soon-to-be husband and wife"?

Sorry, that doesn't make any sense to me.

She knew. However, keep in mind that she was only about 15 at the time. I'm sure that was why it was done that way.

 

[Cheshire D]

Ahh, that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying. ^.^

 

[DomRick]

As I have entered the downhill side of this lifetime, I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking about my going away party. As a retired military person, I will have a military burial, however I expect the services to be a mix of vanilla and lifestyle friends and acquaintances. Personally I do believe in some sort of afterlife, but I do not believe this relationship will cross that boundary. I would expect, although doubt, my S/O would find another master but I would not necessarily expect to see her sad if she doesn't. My passing will be a celebration of the fortunate life I've been given, to be shared by those that cared and those I made a positive difference to. Rock and roll will be the theme, Harleys and muscle cars will be the transportation and cold beer will be shared.

 

[ownedsubgal]

hm, can't say that this is something i've given much thought to...because well, when i'm dead, i'll be dead. i only ask that i'm cremated, my ashes scattered someplace, because the thought of being stuffed, buffed, and set out on display like the christmas turkey is horrifying to me.

my Master is not like me, so i know that if i were to pass away, while he would be very hurt and mourn a great deal, it's likely that he would find another submissive, perhaps even another slave at some point. my hope would be that he would find happiness with another, who treated him well, honored him, and who perhaps provided some things for him that i could not. as for things like memorials, tributes, etc...all of that is meaningless to me, i suppose Daddy could do whatever he wanted.

 

[graceanne]

When K dies he wants to be cremated. He doesn't care where he's buried, but I'm hoping that there will still be room at the Redland Cemetary. (My family's been buried there for FOREVER.) If I die he knows I do not want to be cremated, but considering it's cheaper I don't care. I also want to be buried at the Redland Cemetary. K has a life insurance policy (I can't get one cause of my health), and we've discussed it. I'm to buy a house for me and the kids, so that we will always have a place to live. Quite frankly his life insurance policy is enough that I could buy a small piece of property and put a manufactured home on it. We've both agreed that if one of us dies that the we want the other one to eventually find someone else. He says he doubts he will, but I doubt that personally. I know that eventually I would want another relationship.

As to the afterlife, or heaven, K doesn't believe that people are still married in heaven. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me, since the bible says that we're one flesh. I don't argue with him, though, cause arguing about how you think something is going to be is ridiculous. It's not like either of us can prove our hypothesis. Well, we can, but we won't be able to share what we know, so it's moot point.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Interesting, if morbid, question Cat.
I guess at this present time I would not blatantly put/want anything D/s related, but my D/s relationship is maturing all the time so when the time (eventually) comes who knows? That aside there are probably more subtle ways of doing the same. Right now I'm too tired to think of any clever epitaphs but I know there are some highly intelligent, poetic Lit'ers that can fill in the blanks.

LOL, I'm sure if I put my mind to it I could come up with a few quirky things as well. I agree it doesn't have to be blatent.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/180/366143397_397e15548a_s.jpg Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Ooh, that's hard. I honestly have no idea what I'd want, though.

As far as mementos of the relationship go, I like this approach. A couple I went to high school with were engaged. The girl was in my class. The guy, who was two or three years older, died in a car accident. She was, of course, devastated. In the obituary that came out in the paper, his survivors were listed as his family members and "special friend, 'Jenny Cook' (not her real name)." I thought that was a nice way of incorporating her into it. I believe I'd like something like that for my own funeral.

That does sound like a nice thing they did to acknowledge she was an important part of his life even though they were young.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/180/366143397_397e15548a_s.jpg Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

She was engaged to him and all she got was a "special friend" mention? I'd be pissed if I found that and I were her. (This is, of course, assuming she didn't know about it.) If she did know and approved....was that all she felt of the engagement...that they were "special friends" instead of "soon-to-be husband and wife"?

Sorry, that doesn't make any sense to me.

To answer the question originally....I dunno. At this point in time, I am single so I can't really say. If I were to find my PYL love of my life...I don't know. I want to be known for more than just "X's sub" or whatever could be chosen. I'm more than that (and will continue to be such, even if/when I am taken and no longer single) and I don't really want people to see that label and think that that is the only thing. But as I said...I can't really contemplate....death. It seems so far away, though I know statistically it could very well be right behind the corner.

Ah for me being his slave is far more important than anything else even though there is a lot more to me and my life as a whole. Perhaps part of that comes from being acknowledged for the other parts of my life and things I have done, so now I am free to dedicate my life to this choice I made.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/183/366110040_8ddb3ca5e3_s.jpg Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

As I have entered the downhill side of this lifetime, I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking about my going away party. As a retired military person, I will have a military burial, however I expect the services to be a mix of vanilla and lifestyle friends and acquaintances. Personally I do believe in some sort of afterlife, but I do not believe this relationship will cross that boundary. I would expect, although doubt, my S/O would find another master but I would not necessarily expect to see her sad if she doesn't. My passing will be a celebration of the fortunate life I've been given, to be shared by those that cared and those I made a positive difference to. Rock and roll will be the theme, Harleys and muscle cars will be the transportation and cold beer will be shared.

Sounds like one hell of a party and something I could really dig!! I could easily contemplate a similar idea but not sure F would be in favour of it or able to manage it emotionally.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/183/366110040_8ddb3ca5e3_s.jpg Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

hm, can't say that this is something i've given much thought to...because well, when i'm dead, i'll be dead. i only ask that i'm cremated, my ashes scattered someplace, because the thought of being stuffed, buffed, and set out on display like the christmas turkey is horrifying to me.

my Master is not like me, so i know that if i were to pass away, while he would be very hurt and mourn a great deal, it's likely that he would find another submissive, perhaps even another slave at some point. my hope would be that he would find happiness with another, who treated him well, honored him, and who perhaps provided some things for him that i could not. as for things like memorials, tributes, etc...all of that is meaningless to me, i suppose Daddy could do whatever he wanted.

Oh you and I share a similar dread of burial, though from a litttle bit different foundation. I desperately prefer cremation and he knows this but has told me he cannot agree to it as he hates the idea. For me the idea of being sealed up in a box, put in the ground which I feel could be put to much better use gives me the horrors to the point if I dwell too long on it I can go into an anxiety attack. I have always wanted cremation and my ashes scattered over my favourite piece of ocean in Oz, though since moving here it has become apparent I might have to be scattered over both places. I did suggest if he felt so strongly about my being there with him when he dies that perhaps we could compromise and he could scatter some of me in Oz and the rest be put on his own grave when he is gone...he ain't going for it though as he has as big a horror of cremation as I do for burial. It is still an ongoing discussion!!

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/183/366110040_8ddb3ca5e3_s.jpg Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

When K dies he wants to be cremated. He doesn't care where he's buried, but I'm hoping that there will still be room at the Redland Cemetary. (My family's been buried there for FOREVER.) If I die he knows I do not want to be cremated, but considering it's cheaper I don't care. I also want to be buried at the Redland Cemetary. K has a life insurance policy (I can't get one cause of my health), and we've discussed it. I'm to buy a house for me and the kids, so that we will always have a place to live. Quite frankly his life insurance policy is enough that I could buy a small piece of property and put a manufactured home on it. We've both agreed that if one of us dies that the we want the other one to eventually find someone else. He says he doubts he will, but I doubt that personally. I know that eventually I would want another relationship.

As to the afterlife, or heaven, K doesn't believe that people are still married in heaven. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me, since the bible says that we're one flesh. I don't argue with him, though, cause arguing about how you think something is going to be is ridiculous. It's not like either of us can prove our hypothesis. Well, we can, but we won't be able to share what we know, so it's moot point.

He has said I am never to be slave to another if he is the first to go, though I can play with others...so no more Masters for me. Similarly he says he will not take another collared slave if I go first though I do not find the idea as disturbing...goodness knows, after putting up with me for so long he has earned the chance to have someone perhaps a little less trouble. He believes we will be linked for eternity and I share a similar belief though not as simple as his. Will be interesting to see how it all pans out, but unfortunately as you say, we ain't going to be able to come back to let everyone know...bummer!!

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/183/366110040_8ddb3ca5e3_s.jpg Catalina

 

[Etoile]

My Daddy has very little family, it is pretty much eir mom and her partner, and me and my wife. That's about it. So I don't think there would be any sort of service, and I don't think I'd have to worry about how to be written up in an obituary. It's something we should talk about though...I sometimes worry about how long it would take for us to find out if e got hit by a car or something, considering that we're not "next of kin" or anything.

My wife wants to be cremated and put into her family's urn with her grandmother. (I'm not sure if anybody else is in there.) I would absolutely have to honor this - I firmly believe in honoring someone's last wishes, even if it runs completely against my instincts or preferences. However, I think she would allow me to keep at least part of her ashes, for whatever purpose I wanted. I might use a small portion for one of those "ash diamond" pendants, or to be placed in cremation jewelry. The rest would go into our family's urn, currently there are two cats in there. I don't know that she'd have an obituary either, but if there was a service, I would insist on being listed as either "partner" or "wife" - no other terms would be acceptable. I have seen far too many gay couples reduced to "longtime friends" in obituaries, and it makes me so sad.

As for me, I hope to be cremated. I'm not into scattering ashes. If Daddy wanted any of them, e could have some. The rest would be my wife's, unless I die before my mother, in which case she gets some too. I would expect my wife to be listed as "wife" or "partner" in any documents, and my Daddy...well, that's the point of this thread, isn't it? I guess Daddy would be my "close friend" or "dear friend" or something like that. Vague enough to be innocuous, but important enough to mention.

 

[Netzach]

I don't think I'll make much of an issue of my sexual liaisons at my wake if I can help it. Those who love me will travel to be there, think fondly of our time in bed, and smile. I hope that we stay linked and I think we already were.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Oh you and I share a similar dread of burial, though from a litttle bit different foundation. I desperately prefer cremation and he knows this but has told me he cannot agree to it as he hates the idea. For me the idea of being sealed up in a box, put in the ground which I feel could be put to much better use gives me the horrors to the point if I dwell too long on it I can go into an anxiety attack. I have always wanted cremation and my ashes scattered over my favourite piece of ocean in Oz, though since moving here it has become apparent I might have to be scattered over both places. I did suggest if he felt so strongly about my being there with him when he dies that perhaps we could compromise and he could scatter some of me in Oz and the rest be put on his own grave when he is gone...he ain't going for it though as he has as big a horror of cremation as I do for burial. It is still an ongoing discussion!!

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/183/366110040_8ddb3ca5e3_s.jpg Catalina

i haven't really given a thought to where i'd like my ashes scattered, since there isn't really any place that holds some special meaning for me. i kinda like the idea of one of those buddhist style funeral pyres, on the beach someplace, the wind carrying my ashes in every direction. but i'm pretty sure the idea of that would horrify my Master as like Francisco he's also turned off by cremation for some reason, especially such a visual/raw one.

but i do not do NOT want to be put in the ground, and i don't want anyone to see my dead body in an unnatural state, like they do at funeral homes. my single most painful, terrifying memory in life is of seeing my father's embalmed, stiff, bloated, darkened body in a coffin at his funeral. i remember begging and begging my mother to not make me go, but she and everyone else thought it would be best. i'll never forgive them for that, or myself for not refusing to go. there i was, looking at this thing in a box, that didn't even faintly resemble my beloved Father. the black, bloated hands were not the same fair-skinned, delicate but strong ones which had held me so often. that puffy, ghoulish, waxed face was not the same one that i had showered so many kisses upon. and now, everytime i try to remember my Dad, try to hold on to the memory of his look, his smell, his laugh...the sight of him in that casket is always the first image that pops into my brain. the whole funeral/burial thing is just the sickest, cruelest, most morbid ritual to me and it would break my heart if that's what Daddy wanted to do to me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

i haven't really given a thought to where i'd like my ashes scattered, since there isn't really any place that holds some special meaning for me. i kinda like the idea of one of those buddhist style funeral pyres, on the beach someplace, the wind carrying my ashes in every direction. but i'm pretty sure the idea of that would horrify my Master as like Francisco he's also turned off by cremation for some reason, especially such a visual/raw one.

but i do not do NOT want to be put in the ground, and i don't want anyone to see my dead body in an unnatural state, like they do at funeral homes. my single most painful, terrifying memory in life is of seeing my father's embalmed, stiff, bloated, darkened body in a coffin at his funeral. i remember begging and begging my mother to not make me go, but she and everyone else thought it would be best. i'll never forgive them for that, or myself for not refusing to go. there i was, looking at this thing in a box, that didn't even faintly resemble my beloved Father. the black, bloated hands were not the same fair-skinned, delicate but strong ones which had held me so often. that puffy, ghoulish, waxed face was not the same one that i had showered so many kisses upon. and now, everytime i try to remember my Dad, try to hold on to the memory of his look, his smell, his laugh...the sight of him in that casket is always the first image that pops into my brain. the whole funeral/burial thing is just the sickest, cruelest, most morbid ritual to me and it would break my heart if that's what Daddy wanted to do to me.

The Buddhist funeral pyre sounds perfect, but yep, he couldn't handle that one. I have always had at least 2 places I wanted my ashes scattered...one from my favourite thinking mood clifftop which overlooks the ocean and an almost always semi deserted surfing beach, the other over the rainforest...it just seems more natural and environmentally me. Apart from my dread of being buried, I just think the land can be put to better use, I don't want to be the cause of disturbance for someone in future times digging up my remains by mistake or something, and I also don't want to have a grave that people might feel guilty for not tending or visiting. The only time I ever saw burial as a positive was when I heard of a cemetary in the UK I think it was where the bodies were buried in bio cardboard containers and flowers or vegetables planted above so the decomposition over time nourished the gardens for the living.

It is awful you were made to view your father as a child. I know it was upsetting enough for me a couple of years ago when I went to see my own father's body in the funeral home...I didn't recognise him and was about to go find the assistant to tell them they had sent me to look at the wrong body when I recognised something about him. I had seen a couple of bodies before and never seen them look so unlike the living person, so it shook me for awhile but overall I needed to do it so I could come to terms with what had happened. If I hadn't, the doubts that nag at my brain at times about the circumstances would be raging in wildfire proportions. I also have thoughts of how he hated the idea of cremation and yet that was what was done...it just seemed one more unnecessary sacrifice.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

Some of this doesn't apply to me since I'm not in a real life D/s relationship. If I were, it would be someone I was very close to. I'd expect others in my life to know that and them.

However, I would want the person I left behind to feel free to find someone and happiness with them after me, yes. Provided, we had a healthy sort of love between us, that is. When I was in an unhealthy relationship, I wanted him to suffer hideously and die a long painful death never knowing love again. Now with someone who is loving and supportive, I want only the best for him.

If he dies first I can tell you I'll survive, that's what I do best but I'll be angry that he left me. It may not be fair but that is how I tend to find that I feel.

My Dad when he was dying had my Mother make some promises. That sort of thing is not valid IMO. You are an emotional hostage at that point. You'll say and in many cases mean anything to make them ease or feel better but then you have a life to live as YOU see fit and can handle things.

I've had some relatives cremated. It makes sense to me. That and a memorial party in which people celebrated my life are what I would prefer. However what is actually done with my body is of little true consequence IMO. If my loved ones want to do the whole buff, stuff and bury thing that's okay because it's my belief it will make no difference to my essence regardless. What happens after death should be for the loved ones who must cope with the loss. The body is only a shell that houses our spirits IMO.

I am disturbed by reports of sold off skin, organs, and bones from people who were supposed to be buried or cremated. That shouldn't bother me but the sort of deceit and disrespect to the families involved really bugs me.

I tend to follow the wishes of the deceased and the family as best I can when the two are not the same. Often certain compromises can be made that in part satisfy all. BTW, you haven't really been to a funeral in the South until one of your relatives jumps on the casket and begs whomever to be taken with or instead of the loved one and/or until a close family member is showing butt crack, has an entourage of drunk, stoned out mental patients with them and is also wasted, and you are left with the looks from the rest of your relatives that let you know, once again, YOU are responsible. It wasn't funny then but now I can laugh.

As I said, have a drink when I die, remember me with humor and hopefully looking good, or don't, whatever, the choice is up to YOU. For God's sake work through the grieving process. Let yourself feel it. Don't get stuck in it. If I have an awareness after death, I'll understand whatever you chose to do.

That's what I think.

Fury

 

[graceanne]

i haven't really given a thought to where i'd like my ashes scattered, since there isn't really any place that holds some special meaning for me. i kinda like the idea of one of those buddhist style funeral pyres, on the beach someplace, the wind carrying my ashes in every direction. but i'm pretty sure the idea of that would horrify my Master as like Francisco he's also turned off by cremation for some reason, especially such a visual/raw one.

but i do not do NOT want to be put in the ground, and i don't want anyone to see my dead body in an unnatural state, like they do at funeral homes. my single most painful, terrifying memory in life is of seeing my father's embalmed, stiff, bloated, darkened body in a coffin at his funeral. i remember begging and begging my mother to not make me go, but she and everyone else thought it would be best. i'll never forgive them for that, or myself for not refusing to go. there i was, looking at this thing in a box, that didn't even faintly resemble my beloved Father. the black, bloated hands were not the same fair-skinned, delicate but strong ones which had held me so often. that puffy, ghoulish, waxed face was not the same one that i had showered so many kisses upon. and now, everytime i try to remember my Dad, try to hold on to the memory of his look, his smell, his laugh...the sight of him in that casket is always the first image that pops into my brain. the whole funeral/burial thing is just the sickest, cruelest, most morbid ritual to me and it would break my heart if that's what Daddy wanted to do to me.

My nepew died shortly after my daughter was born. The entire family made my nieces and nephews go see him before he was buried, and my nephew (who was 4) at the time told me that Jonathan wasn't dead, he was sleeping. He knew cause he'd seen him. They also took PICTURES OF HIM! K and I were so freaken grossed out. I mean pictures of everyone holding this little dead baby. Then they held him out to me, and said 'you want to hold him'? I don't fucking think so. To tell the truth the only reason I consented to seeing him dead was cause the last time I saw him, alive, he was convulsing. I figured maybe seeing him at rest would erase that image from my mind. It didn't.

 

[Netzach]

I also will never forgive my stepdad's family for insisting on open casket and making it completely impossible for me to deal with any of it, rather than just really hard.

Then there's part of me that kind of likes the gross economy of the Tibetan sky burial, where monks cut you up and feed you to massive vultures who wing away with chunks of you and crap you onto disparate hills. It's cool.

Oh, I fully expect and hope that anyone I'm involved with finds someone appropriate to enjoy life with some more. If they find little deja vu traces of me in the nicest moments there, so much the better.

 

[graceanne]

I also will never forgive my stepdad's family for insisting on open casket and making it completely impossible for me to deal with any of it, rather than just really hard.

Then there's part of me that kind of likes the gross economy of the Tibetan sky burial, where monks cut you up and feed you to massive vultures who wing away with chunks of you and crap you onto disparate hills. It's cool.

Oh, I fully expect and hope that anyone I'm involved with finds someone appropriate to enjoy life with some more. If they find little deja vu traces of me in the nicest moments there, so much the better.

My mother always resented having to see her grandparents in an open casket, and always refused to allow me and Miss to go to a funeral where there was an open casket. I fully intend to do the same. In the case of my nephew all the 'experts' were telling the adult that it would give the kids closure. My ass.

 

[callinectes]

mini hijack..

I have always been grateful that my parents never forced me to view the body of anyone. In fact, when I was very young I was not even offered the opportunity to do so.

My family's custom is to have a period of time for family viewing only, then friends and family, with the casket being closed before funeral services start. It allows everyone to make their choices comfortably.

I have not allowed my daughter to attend a viewing, nor has she expressed an interest. She has been to several funerals of family members and she handled them quite well. Interestingly enough, she and her young cousins were facinated by the burial process of a family member that passed away recently. After the graveside service they actually walked around the casket and the open grave, talked about how the casket would be lowered into the vault, how it was sealed, where the soil to cover it was, etc. It sounds morbid, but I feel it was healthy and it took a lot of the mystery out of the process for them. Now they are perfectly comfortable visiting the cemetery and visiting the graves of people they knew. The also enjoy exploring... reading the headstones and making the family connections, righting all of the knocked over flowers (family or stranger) and even doing the math to determine the age an individual was when he passed. It has led to some very interesting discussions and even a few history lessons.

/hijack

 

[callinectes]

as for the OP..

I don't have stong feelings about what happens to me when I die. Cremated, buried, composted, it's all good to me. I am in a relationship but it is not serious to the point that he would be making those sorts of decisions. So, at this point arrangements would be up to my parents. They would have me buried in a family plot, I have no doubt about that.

At some point I may again be in a serious relationship or even married (I'm divorced) and this is a topic we will have to address. I will respect his wishes without fail. As to my partner having another after me, I wouldn't want it any other way. I can't fathom wanting someone I love to spend the rest of his life alone.

ETA, I guess I didn't really address the OP. I would want to either be listed as spouse or cherished partner as appropriate. I consider the D/s portion of my relationship to be private. I would also prefer asshats not be atwitter speculating on the nature of our relationship at such a delicate time.