When Should You Say "I Do/I Commit"? When Do You Say "I Don't"?

[SweetErika]

With wedding season in full swing, I've been hearing a lot of, "I can't wait to get married to him/her" lately. I've also heard many regrets..."We should never have gotten married."

I realize there's no definitive answer to these questions and each relationship is unique, but...
If you're happily married or committed, what made you decide this was the right decision? Was it instinct? A logical decision? A test of your relationship? Something else or a combination? What tips do you have for those people who are getting ready to commit?

If you're unhappily married or committed, what do you feel you could have or should have done differently? Was it a hasty decision? Did you know the person well enough? Would pre-marital counseling have helped? What advice do you have that could help others?

I'll get the ball rolling with my own experience. I haven't been married for long, but some of the factors that contributed to my decision were:
- We spent a year on different continents and absence made the heart grow fonder.
- We traveled together and had fun, got along, and worked through problems even when the situation was horrible.
- We stood by eachother through surgeries and a major trauma.
- Our outlooks and goals regarding career, money, family, religion, and many other issues were closely aligned.
- We literally spent 24/7 for a year in a high-stress academic program and still wanted to spend time together.
- We lived together for 3 years, so we had already made the necessary adjustments and fought the battles by the wedding.
- He's my best friend and I love him more than anything.

 

[ny11011]

Happly Married, the secret errrrr good question see if you can find it in the following.

- Together (not unter the same roof) approx 6 years all the normal fights
- Together (under the same roof) approx 4 years) before married
- Having separate interests (which burn evenings and weekends) as well as joint (when time allows )

so the solution would appear to be taking a long run at it (before the big day) and not being under each others feet all the time.

 

[ReadyOne]

After about 2 years, the PEA has worn off. (PEA is a long term love hormone that makes you always want to be together and lets you overlook any problems while being together.)

You know it is starting to go when you realize that something about the other person "bugs" you. It could be a little trivial thing and you have no problem adjusting to it; it's when you recognize that you are deliberately changing because something irks you that you know you've reached the start of the PEA fall-off.

To use the classic example, you noticed long time ago that they squeeze the toothpaste tube differently. Now you notice that you feel that your way is the "right" way and wish they would change their method.

Some where around then is the start of learning to living together. You've got to get through this stage if you will make the long haul. After you realize that you've seen almost everything and that you can successfully adjust to it then you know you can live together.

When that's been done, then you can sort out the big stuff (finances, kids, in-laws, growth rates, etc.) that you hear the experts talking about. (Look for a list of the 10 top problems for couples.)

 

[BTK51]

My wife and I have spoken about this often because we were so young when we married. Because we were so young, I would have to say instinct more than anything else. No way, shape or form was it a logical decision. We had dated in HS briefly, went to separate colleges, dated again while in college and after that for 2 1/2 years and married 2 1/2 years after that. When it dawned on me (and it was very sudden, almost impetuous) that she was who I wanted to spend my life with, I asked and she said, “yes.”

Factors that contributed for us:
- We both knew that we had a tremendous amount of mutual interests, hopes and dreams.
- We also had very similar values regarding money, religion, culture, sex, romance, charity and most importantly, family and we both recognized this.
- We traveled throughout Europe for a month one summer and discovered that we shared a great enjoyment of travel and discovery. We were also able to work out all our issues and differences rather easily on that trip. This is when I decided that I wasn’t going to let her get away. So far, I’ve succeeded.
- Living together wasn’t a viable option for us at the time. We discussed it a little but knew that neither of us felt comfortable with that arrangement and never really considered it. We wanted to be together, and although I would never recommend this as a solution to that desire, the truth is it was a big influence on us getting married.
- The strange thing is that with all we had in common, we also complimented each other very well in several areas that we differed. I think we recognized that even then.

We were very lucky and it worked out well for us. We’ve been married for 32 years. On the one hand I think that we got married too young but on the other hand, that was also a blessing. Both of us share the attitude that it does no good to look back at “what-ifs”. Sure you should learn from everything but the key is to keep your eyes on the road in front of you at all times and look for “what can I do to make this better.” A relationship doesn’t stagnate for too long. It either grows or regresses. The secret to success is communication and finding a way to keep that communication going, especially when you don’t particularly want to. With us many times that includes bumping up the volume. Counter-productive for the moment but at least we’re trying to communicate.

The only tip that I can think to know if you’re ready is to think long and hard of the vows that you are going to be exchanging. Do both of you feel that you can and want to really do that? I think pre-marital counseling, workshop or seminar is an excellent suggestion. The key to growing any relationship is communication and this is a good tool to see if your communication skills are working. Do you both have the commitment to somehow find a way to get over any obstacle that comes up?

 

[SweetErika]

Thank you for your insights ReadyOne and BTK51!

I had never heard of PEA, but I'm thinking that wore off in my relationship years ago. I remember being irritated by a lot of the little things, and sometimes I still am, but I choose my battles carefully and let everything else go.

32 years...what an accomplishment! It doesn't sound like your decision was hasty at all, despite your age. Thanks for your story and advice BTK51...an inspiration to me and hopefull others!

 

[MagicFingers]

Communicate!

They should have discussed EVERYTHING they possibly could and determine if the solutions to all their differences are workable, then, go for it. If they can't work everything out before marriage, it will NOT get any better after!

Funny thing happened a couple of weeks ago: I was working on a crossword puzzle and the clue was "Marriage Vows".
The answer I came up with was "IOU"
(That must have been the man's vows. )

 

[overthebow]

I love reading these comments filled with hope and enthusiasm. I hope that it continues to work with you so that when you get old, you have no regrets that you spent your time with him/her.

On the other hand, I would have answered the same way until about a year before I found out that my wife was screwing around. The guy who writes those "Mars/Venus" books said in one that when a woman comes in to therapy with her husband and she describes her husband as not being in touch with his feelings, the opposite is true: that she isn't in touch with hers and tries to manage his instead. The conflict comes when he pushes back on that management.

My ex-wife hid her feelings well. So, for all of those filled with hope and everything else, I hope that this is a hope based on the honest evaluation of feelings. It is my observational experience that at least one of the couple will feel that they are putting more into the relationship than the other. This is a completely subjective evalutation. Trouble comes when the person or persons who think that they are putting more into the relationship think they are due for more and look outside the relationship to get it.

Not for nothing is 5 years after the birth of the first child a peak time to divorce. Having children is an incredible strain on everything. The 24/7 responsibility of childcare, the loss of outside recreation, limits on budget all cause people to start looking for greener grass.

 

[SweetErika]

I actually started this because I was hearing a little TOO much hope and enthusiasm and too little logic...I thought maybe examples of well-reasoned decisions and mistakes would help these people think about the issues they ought to be considering. I know you have to keep a marriage together, but not getting married in the first place when you're wrong for eachother seems like a good start. So thank you for your perspective and information, OverTheBow!

Personally, I only feel good about my decision to get married... I know it's a long, hard (yet rewarding) road of communication and giving 110%. With a lot of work and a little luck, hopefully we'll be successful.

 

[SweetErika]

Re: Communicate!

They should have discussed EVERYTHING they possibly could and determine if the solutions to all their differences are workable, then, go for it. If they can't work everything out before marriage, it will NOT get any better after!

Should We Stay Together? A Scientifically Proven Method for Examining Your Relationship and Improving It's Chances for Long Term Success by Jeffry Larson (the link is an accurate review) is a really great resource that goes over ALL of the main issues that affect marital success. My husband was offended by the title, but we're both glad we did a good job analyzing the relationship before the wedding.

 

[Clare Quilty]

I don't see how it could ever be in a man's best long term interests to get married--excepting a man serving and extended prison sentence--or where the woman is very rich and incapable of having children.

 

[SweetErika]

I don't see how it could ever be in a man's best long term interests to get married--excepting a man serving and extended prison sentence--or where the woman is very rich and incapable of having children.

You're right, biologically speaking, there's little or no benefit to getting married or any type of commitment. My husband's opinion is that, aside from love, the economic (taxes, insurance, finances, etc.) and social (our families are more accepting, it will be better for our children, medical and legal decisions are easier, etc.) benefits were worth it.

 

[imarrja]

For my husband and me, the success of our marriage has to do with what we expect to contribute to and receive from our reltionship. What he expects to contribute to the marriage aligns with what I expect to receive, and vice-a-verse-a.

My first husband and I supposedly had similar interests, upbringings, education, etc. but it was not long before it was apparent that we had radically different expectations of our marriage.

A few duds later, I realized I was making variations of the same mistakes I'd made when chosing my first husband. Most notably--choosing a "partner" (here I use the term VERY loosely) when I was emotionally unhealthy, and not being able to be honest with myself about what I expected to receive from a relationship.

 

[Clare Quilty]

You're right, biologically speaking, there's little or no benefit to getting married or any type of commitment. My husband's opinion is that, aside from love, the economic (taxes, insurance, finances, etc.) and social (our families are more accepting, it will be better for our children, medical and legal decisions are easier, etc.) benefits were worth it.

When your boyfriend is living in his house, and he's staying at a residential motel, I'd be interested in knowing if he still holds the same view.

 

[SweetErika]

For my husband and me, the success of our marriage has to do with what we expect to contribute to and receive from our reltionship. What he expects to contribute to the marriage aligns with what I expect to receive, and vice-a-verse-a.

A few duds later, I realized I was making variations of the same mistakes I'd made when chosing my first husband. Most notably--choosing a "partner" (here I use the term VERY loosely) when I was emotionally unhealthy, and not being able to be honest with myself about what I expected to receive from a relationship.

Thanks for sharing Imarrja...expectations, emotional health, and self-reflection are definetely factors everyone should think about!

 

[wildwesty]

Happly Married, the secret errrrr good question see if you can find it in the following.

- Together (not unter the same roof) approx 6 years all the normal fights
- Together (under the same roof) approx 4 years) before married
- Having separate interests (which burn evenings and weekends) as well as joint (when time allows )

so the solution would appear to be taking a long run at it (before the big day) and not being under each others feet all the time.

Statistics are against you in that department. While you may think that living with your potential husband or wife is a good thing it actually can be worse. In my Human Sexuality class and in the book it was talking about how when people live together before marriage the chances of them getting divorced increase dramatically, something like 50% of couples who live together end up in divorce. Our whole class really couldn't come up with any reasons why this was like this and there were 300 people in there. Personally I think it is wrong but then it is based on scientific fact. Although...what do they know. I am still going to live with my fiance before we marry if she wants to as well. I think since half of marriages in America end up in divorce anyway these may be a little off.

You have to know what you are doing and be sure of the decision. All to often I think people don't realize that marriage is a forever kind of thing and they use divorce as a way out. My goal is to find someone who I am very much in love with and stay in love with for some time and then talk with them at length about getting married before the question is even asked. I think sweet erika's relationship is built on a very strong foundation given all that they went through so nicely done. Anyway that is my 2 cents for whatever they are worth....probably 2 cents

 

[BTK51]

Statistics are against you in that department. While you may think that living with your potential husband or wife is a good thing it actually can be worse. In my Human Sexuality class and in the book it was talking about how when people live together before marriage the chances of them getting divorced increase dramatically, something like 50% of couples who live together end up in divorce. Our whole class really couldn't come up with any reasons why this was like this and there were 300 people in there.

I've read a couple of articles a while ago that say the same thing regarding living together and higher divorce rates. Didn't make sense to me at first. I never lived with a woman, except in marriage.

The reason that was given by the "experts" quoted were that living together actually gives a false sense of what marriage will be like. There is usually a different expectation of one of the parties on what will and what won't change after the exchange of vows. I remeber one person (I think it was a priest, minister or Rabbi) saying that playing house (living together) is very different from building a home (marriage).

 

[SweetErika]

Living Together

I too heard the statistics about living together. In fact, that was the reason my mom was against us living together before marriage. I think a lot of people get in a relationship and move in together way too soon, and then they proceed to get married too soon as well because that's the next logical step. Sometimes people feel obligated to get married after living together because they can't make it on their own financially, they think the relationship will get better with marriage, or there is pressure from family and friends. Then they get divorced.
If living together is a well thought out decision, I think it can prevent divorce. In our case, we could have gone our separate ways at anytime while we were living together because there was no financial or social pressure to stay together. I would have much rather found out if I couldn't live with my husband BEFORE we got married. I'm glad we had the fights (however trivial) about the household years ago, because it took a lot of the pressure off and we didn't have to go through an adjustment period when we did get married. It's a fascinating issue though!

 

[wildwesty]

marriage and stats

I would say that stats on marriage rates are not as true as some would say. I don't really agree with science all the time but the numbers don't lie either. I think that divorce in American society is used as a way out and since it is relatively easy to do. I think that when people refer to the sanctity of marriage and allowing gay marriage, which would ruin it, at least in their eyes, they tend to leave out how easy it is to get married and divorced in a week. Personally, having a gay aunt who has a civil union I see how much my 2 aunts care for each other and I know it is better than most straight couples I know. I think that anyone who is old enough to enter the contract of marriage, since it is a law thing and not a church thing, they should be able to do it. I don't want to start a debate about this other topic but I am afraid I have...sorry everyone

 

[geishaGirl]

Marriage

My husband and I started to get to know each other back in 1996/1997. We were in late high school at the time and he used to pick on me! But the year after we finished school he decided he'd actually try and get to know me and wrote a letter to me to open up the communication between us. In short, we ended up being together for a month, we had discovered a very different boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to that which either of us had experienced. We saw truth in each other, we didn't get the heady "rush" that people most often have, we saw all the flaws in each other already. I went away with my family for a holiday and came back to learn from him that he'd slept with another girl while I was away and was breaking up with me. He was going to marry her he told me........I was devastated. Neither of us knew what we had found in each other, we didn't see how lucky we were at the time.

Him and his fiancee ended up having a very drawn out, destructive relationship for 4 years. They lived together for 98% of that time I would say. During that time my (now) husband and I didn't even really stay in contact as friends and I was with another guy for 2 1/2 years. When we did get back in contact again, his fiancee was pregnant for the third time and it looked like they would actually have a child after losses with the first two pregnancies. Through talking again and sharing our thoughts just like we once had my (now) husband realised what he had lost by choosing to be with the other woman and turned his life around to be with me instead.

We lived together before we got married but knew that we were going to get married before we did live together - that was one thing my Mum nagged me about right up until we were engaged! It didn't take us long to get engaged because we so KNEW that we were "the one" for each other. We were/are connected in a way that has bound our souls together in truth and great love. My husband's ex did end up having a successful pregnancy so we have had to cope with that side of things as well - we now look after my step-son once every fortnight and it is alot easier to deal with than it once was.

Complicated and emotional story I know! But it has all been worth it and I KNOW my husband feels that way too. We often have talks where we just go over what we've been through, remembering what we thought at different times throughout Our Journey together....and apart. What we have learned though is that we may have been physically apart, but we were always together in our hearts and souls. We are the typical ideal soulmates ... and yet we are not typical also.

p.s. hope I haven't rambled too much - not an easy story to tell briefly!

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for your story gG! I just heard today that people who get married in their early-mid 20s are dramatically more likely to get divorced...let's beat the odds!