Where do I fit in? Or BiBunny's Proxy thread

[BiBunny]

JM is a smarty-pants.

Just sayin'.

Yeah, he is. And he's right. I'm just being difficult.

 

[JMohegan]

Thanks - to all three of you.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Thanks - to all three of you.

welcome

 

[the_pet]

....i fit in a size 3 Lucky Jeans

 

[sexycaz22]

Erm... I am clearly confused by the discussions, but very good discussions nevertheless.

So, the best way for me is to throw my "two pennies" in..

Here goes:

In relation to who I am, I am very proud to be deaf, to be Scottish and to be a woman.

I am ME, Caz. A loving sister to my brother and sister, a loving daughter to my parents (and when I say I mean my mum and her husband, G), I try to be a true friend to those who I consider really good friends.

However, there are other parts of me that I struggle with and continue to fight with everyday - ie am I sexy enough? Will I be good enough for a guy to fall in love with? Will I be a good bottom? or a good Top? Will I cope well within the BDSM realm, or is it a one-off experience? (I don't think so! as the BDSM part is now becoming a part of my life, and I am very proud of that!) So...I don't think I have really grasped WHO AM I as a person, as ME.

Erm...I hope that does make sense? All I see is me rambling on...

 

[Marquis]

Not only do I not fit in, if you take a lot of social contexts, but I am wary of people who can navigate the mainstream with ease. Maybe it's an unfair bias, but I resent the power that gives them, and I'm assuming they've divorced themselves from most of their wants and needs in order to do it, or have no concept of what's really important, because the mainstream pretty much is:

get lots of stuff, numb yourself to the fact that you die.

I'm ok with having other priorities.

Ha ha, this is pretty insightful, and a sentiment I share as well.

I think that on the extreme short term I can socially navigate very well, but after a while I eventually seem to get "caught".

I have a long history of meteoric rises up specific social ladders that just as quickly crash and burn after some inexplicable offense.

 

[rida]

Who am I?
Good question!
A bunch of organic material with a life spam that does not even measure in the Universe time frame
A 39yo japanese/italian woman
A college drop out (major was Astronomy) with a good job in a small company
A rational mind that believe in reincarnation and Karma
A daughter and wife and mother that follow society cohabitation rules
A wired for poly submissive that can be quite bossy in daily interactions
A scared little girl that crashes and cries if she gets ignored
and many more things I have not discovered yet
and many less things that might change in time

But ultimately ... just me.
Take it or leave it.
If I really care about somebody ... not being accepted will crush me, and I'll cry and try to find a compromise. But if I have to hide who I am for somebody to like me ... I will slowly have to withdraw. Hiding myself in the past only made me slowly die inside.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I'm a bit boggled by this. Navigating the mainstream is not all that difficult. Act like you fit in and they assume you do. They see what they want to see generally.

I call it the Clipboard Effect. In the course of my workday, I wander onto all sorts of places marked "Employees Only", "Keep out", "Private property", "Danger, do not enter unless accompanied by an employee", etc. VERY rarely have I gotten questioned as to why I am in those places. Why? I look serious and carry a clipboard with obvious paperwork on it. People assume I'm legit.

It works the same way with social/business/whatever situations. I act like I'm supposed to be there, and get treated as such. Where does this require distancing myself from alienation or sacrificing my stance to take the mores of the mainstream? It just takes the ability to act like I'm supposed to be there even if I'm not.

And, as usual, if you act like you fit, and people accept the act, you fit.

That my friend is because you look the part. You're a man, and from what i understand, the manly man hairy imposing kind of white man.

'Fitting in', and smoothly navigating the 'mainstream' and feeling at ease while doing so is not that easy when you don't fit the costume of a white straight manly man.

When's the last time you've been called a fucking dyke and been threaten by 5 men on the streat talking about gang-raping you to get this 'homo bullshit' out of you?

It's easy to act the part when you look the part. No that easy when you don't. And a shit load of people don't.

ETA: my comment sounds more rude and personalized to you H than i meant it. Was just trying to point out that for a lot of people (yes like me) acting the part is not enough. The script is mostly written for a white straight manly man. It's hard to just play the act when walking around in a female/non-white/queer body.

ETA: to say nothing about the issue of whether 'fitting it' and acting the part means that i have to 'be' someone i don't want to be.

 

[Homburg]

That my friend is because you look the part. You're a man, and from what i understand, the manly man hairy imposing kind of white man.

'Fitting in', and smoothly navigating the 'mainstream' and feeling at ease while doing so is not that easy when you don't fit the costume of a white straight manly man.

Hmm, dammit, I did forget about the "Look like a white dude" power. I'm not though, as I'm a stealth minority. But I do get your point.

To an extent, I think "imposing" is more important than "white dude". A good friend of mine is homosexual, fairly open about it (though he doesn't play it up) and is happy to say that he has never gotten a bit of grief about being homosexual from anyone. He's also 6'5" or so and probably weighs 350# at least, and has this great big booming voice. It's apparently much easier to accept that someone is gay when they're HUGE

(He also happens to be funny as hell, a really great guy, and an un-fucking-believably good cook, wow. Mentioning this because I hate talking about a friend of mine solely because he's gay, and not mentioning some of the reasons why he's a friend.)

When's the last time you've been called a fucking dyke and been threaten by 5 men on the streat talking about gang-raping you to get this 'homo bullshit' out of you?

Never, but I have busted that sort of talk up, if that helps.

Again, this is something I've never really understood. It's probably because I've lived most of my life in a racially tolerant environment (military base housing, at least in my experience, was very racially tolerant) and in sexually tolerant social circles.

It's easy to act the part when you look the part. No that easy when you don't. And a shit load of people don't.

ETA: my comment sounds more rude and personalized to you H than i meant it. Was just trying to point out that for a lot of people (yes like me) acting the part is not enough. The script is mostly written for a white straight manly man. It's hard to just play the act when walking around in a female/non-white/queer body.

ETA: to say nothing about the issue of whether 'fitting it' and acting the part means that i have to 'be' someone i don't want to be.

Pfft, it didn't sound offensive at all to me, DB. That said, I've seen non-whites do the exact same thing. My dad looks Oriental, period, and he has no problems fitting in anywhere. Then again, while a few inches shorter than I am, pop is thick built, and can look very serious. He's friendly to the point of being goofy, but obviously not someone to be trifled with when he is serious.

Then again I can show exceptions to the rule all day long. However I know plenty of women/minorities/GLBT/whatever that have been marginalised. I'm not arguing that it doesn't happen. I just stand by my assertion that attitude is 90% of the fight when it comes to navigating the mainstream, and that perceptions are decidedly easy to manipulate if handled correctly. Then again, I have White Man powers, so everything is easier for me =P

As and aside, "Ghost and the Darkness" is a movie that I rather enjoyed, and one of my favourite lines from that movie comes about when Val Kilmer, as Patterson, is talking to Om Puri's character (Abdullah?).

VK: I will kill the lion and I will build the bridge.

OP: Of course you will. You are white-- you can do anything.

The dry sarcasm in that response is perfect.

 

[intothewoods]

Yeah, he is. And he's right. I'm just being difficult.

I think it helps to keep in mind that it's not a race. Enjoy the journey of figuring out who you are. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to right now: thinking, experiencing, dabbling, etc.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Where do I fit in?

Think I haven't find out yet where do I fit.