Where do I fit in? Or BiBunny's Proxy thread

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Am I supposed to fit in?

I thought we were all supposed to be unique individuals; with a unique combination of likes, dislikes and a diverse set abilities.

I don't "fit in" anywhere I go. I may be able to find someone with similar interests and we may get along but am I supposed to fit inside the same peg hole as everyone else?

 

[BiBunny]

I thought we were all supposed to be unique individuals; with a unique combination of likes, dislikes and a diverse set abilities.

I don't "fit in" anywhere I go. I may be able to find someone with similar interests and we may get along but am I supposed to fit inside the same peg hole as everyone else?

I think everyone's sort of missing what the phrase "fit in" means in this context. Or maybe we haven't been clear enough.

I don't need to "fit into" a group of people. I need to know where I am in the universe, in the grand scheme of all things, so I can figure out what the hell it is I want. I don't have to be just like everyone else to do that. I just have to figure out who I am.

Perhaps the language we used is what kept this thread from being what ADR and I sort of intended for it to be.

 

[nh23]

.....

 

[Chris_Xavier]

I think everyone's sort of missing what the phrase "fit in" means in this context. Or maybe we haven't been clear enough.

I don't need to "fit into" a group of people. I need to know where I am in the universe, in the grand scheme of all things, so I can figure out what the hell it is I want. I don't have to be just like everyone else to do that. I just have to figure out who I am.

Perhaps the language we used is what kept this thread from being what ADR and I sort of intended for it to be.

In that case.. my place in the universe is that of drone. My days of delusions of grandeur have left me. I will NEVER be great in the minds of most men... I will be content to be Awesome in the minds of a few.

 

[BiBunny]

In that case.. my place in the universe is that of drone. My days of delusions of grandeur have left me. I will NEVER be great in the minds of most men... I will be content to be Awesome in the minds of a few.

Le sigh. Nope, you don't get it at all.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Le sigh. Nope, you don't get it at all.

 

[Homburg]

Not only do I not fit in, if you take a lot of social contexts, but I am wary of people who can navigate the mainstream with ease

I'm certainly biased too (although I'm not convinced that I am being unfairly so) toward people i see negociating smoothly their 'fit' in whatever communities they are part of, and probably more so in the mainstream.

I'm a bit boggled by this. Navigating the mainstream is not all that difficult. Act like you fit in and they assume you do. They see what they want to see generally.

I call it the Clipboard Effect. In the course of my workday, I wander onto all sorts of places marked "Employees Only", "Keep out", "Private property", "Danger, do not enter unless accompanied by an employee", etc. VERY rarely have I gotten questioned as to why I am in those places. Why? I look serious and carry a clipboard with obvious paperwork on it. People assume I'm legit.

It works the same way with social/business/whatever situations. I act like I'm supposed to be there, and get treated as such. Where does this require distancing myself from alienation or sacrificing my stance to take the mores of the mainstream? It just takes the ability to act like I'm supposed to be there even if I'm not.

And, as usual, if you act like you fit, and people accept the act, you fit.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

I call it the Clipboard Effect. In the course of my workday, I wander onto all sorts of places marked "Employees Only", "Keep out", "Private property", "Danger, do not enter unless accompanied by an employee", etc. VERY rarely have I gotten questioned as to why I am in those places. Why? I look serious and carry a clipboard with obvious paperwork on it. People assume I'm legit.

I call it "bullshit and attitude" - if you look like you belong and keep your nose clean and don't act "outside the norm" you can "belong" in any group.

 

[Homburg]

I think everyone's sort of missing what the phrase "fit in" means in this context. Or maybe we haven't been clear enough.

I don't need to "fit into" a group of people. I need to know where I am in the universe, in the grand scheme of all things, so I can figure out what the hell it is I want. I don't have to be just like everyone else to do that. I just have to figure out who I am.

Perhaps the language we used is what kept this thread from being what ADR and I sort of intended for it to be.

You're right. The context was unclear. This is an utterly different question from the one that appeared to be asked in the OP.

Grand scheme of things, eh? To be honest, I don't really care. Read a little bit of astronomy and you really were all infitesimal bits of nothing when looked as in the 'grand scheme'. Ephemeral, short-lived nothings. *shrugs*

Personally, it doesn't bother me. I know who I am well enough, and do not seek some sort of complex answer to that question. Such an answer would be illusory and meaningless. "You" exist in relation to those around you. "You" are defined by your interactions with others, and with your environment. Change the others, and "you" change. Change your environment, and "you" change. Given how variable the "you" is, why sweat some hard answer to what "you" are?

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[BiBunny]

Ohhhh totally different thought process than I originally ran with... must think a bit on that one.

'Twas my fault for not being more clear, methinks.

 

[intothewoods]

I have a sudden urge to by a clipboard.

 

[intothewoods]

I've been struggling with figuring out who I am. I'm not good at compartmentalizing. I want it all to fit together. I'm a mom, I'm Jewish, I'm a lawyer, I'm prudish about bodily functions and I enjoy submission.

 

[the captians wench]

I think for me, it might have more to do with a since of belonging rather than fitting in, if that makes since.

The time in my life when I felt most lost and wondered where I fit into the world, was when I was living with my aunt durring the week, and coming home and living with my mom on the weekends. I never really felt like I belonged in either place. I felt homeless even tho I had a roof over my head every night.

This since of lostness happened again when my ex and I split, and like you bunny it comes up a lot when I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. There is nothing that makes me question my since of where I belong more than when things apear to me like I'm not good enough.

I've been thinking a lot this week about what I want, what I need, and what I am worth. While dealing in my relationship with the last asshole, I repeated the phraze "I'm just a slave" a lot and I got into my head that I was not worth more than what he would give me. Before that I delt with some one who was helping me get over the feelings that I was only worth the sex I could provide. There's a line in the movie "Moulin Rouge" where Satin says "all my life you made me believe that I was only worth what some one would pay for me". I find myself feeling that way a lot, well until some what reciently. I think that might be why I show love by giving gifts, I'm trying to prove what I can provide so that I might recieve love.

The questions "what am I worth" and "what do I deserve" have been popping into my head a lot this week. I feel a bit uprooted myself.

 

[Homburg]

I have a sudden urge to by a clipboard.

Get one like this. These aluminum multi-compartment clipboards just scream "I'm here on official business, and that business is so far above your pay grade."

--

I've been struggling with figuring out who I am. I'm not good at compartmentalizing. I want it all to fit together. I'm a mom, I'm Jewish, I'm a lawyer, I'm prudish about bodily functions and I enjoy submission.

I compartmentalise. If I was the same sort of freak in the workplace that I am at home... Well, okay, maybe that ain't a bad idea with the hot new receptionist, but I digress...

I feel no need to blend my various labels into one seamless whole. I am okay with my internal contradictions, and can resolve them simply by saying that I am complex.

 

[intothewoods]

Get one like this. These aluminum multi-compartment clipboards just scream "I'm here on official business, and that business is so far above your pay grade."

hawtness

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[FurryFury]

I don't know where I fit in at all. I'd even start a thread about it if I thought anybody wanted to read my drivel. But, you know, you might want to stop and think where the other person might be before you start that "it's your own insecurities reading too much into it" bullshit.

I'll start a thread about it for you.

I've read posts and received PMs stating exactly this... "I don't know where I fit in, or if I fit in at all, anymore."

It's definately been in the forefront of my mind (between bill paying, laundry and cleaning the toliet). And I'm not making light of that. It has been on my mind.

Everyone wants to be validated and supported in their choices. So I ask the following: How and where do you (rhetorically speaking) feel you would fit in? What do you feel like you need to do in order to fit in? How important is fitting in to you?

What the hell does "fitting in" even mean to you?

When I was young, I don't remember worrying about fitting in except with my Mom and Dad, it simply wasn't an issue.

I had to be a chameleon to just survive my caregivers though.

Around fourth grade my Dad got into some legal trouble which was reported on the news. This was a BIG deal since he was sometimes a minister and my Mom was a teacher for our church school.

Even so, I didn't worry about fitting in there. It was a small inclusive group. I was a leader as were my parents.

But around fifth grade we moved and all hell broke loose. I was in a big school. I did not fit in even though it was private. My parents continued to have big problems. I was picked on as the new, strange skinny kid. It sucked ass.

Off and on I was picked on through eighth grade. It sucked ass. I learned to be very strong and very much an individual. Peer pressure would never fuck me up. This only made me stand out more. These were painful years.

I mostly thought my peers were immature and stupid.

Around ninth grade, I was so lonely I was crying most nights. I vowed to make some changes. I was very shy. I was going to change that. Fitting in, having fun WITH others became important to me.

It was difficult but I made progress. Today I can fit in with almost anybody, at least for a short period of time, even if I can't stand them. I need to have a reason to try.

Today I mostly know who I am. I'm mostly comfortable with it.

When I first came on Lit I wondered why no one commented on my posts they way they did on some. I worried about it some but hell, I'm not going to shut up. Eventually I guess I earned my wings here and folks started talking to me.

Now I don't care as much at forums I'm new to. I know it's a process before acceptance can be had.

I no longer need to be a chameleon. My life is not neat and perfect but it's pretty decent most of the time. Some days suck ass, like today.

There are moments when I think, I hate my life. Thankfully those are few and far between.

I'm odd. I'm unique and yet, I have some things in common with most every human being on the planet.

*shrugs*

 

[intothewoods]

It's not really about other people though. It's about accepting all the different parts of myself.

 

[Homburg]

I am a mishmosh... an uneducated intillectual,

It makes me twitch when obviously very well-read, erudite people say that they are uneducated simply because they've not achieved degrees or whatnot. CM, you're probably better read than 95% of the BA/BS holders coming out of universities and colleges today, and you express yourself a damnedsight better. "Uneducated" is a misnomer; "self-educated" is more apt.

 

[doveofserenity]

I think everyone's sort of missing what the phrase "fit in" means in this context. Or maybe we haven't been clear enough.

I don't need to "fit into" a group of people. I need to know where I am in the universe, in the grand scheme of all things, so I can figure out what the hell it is I want. I don't have to be just like everyone else to do that. I just have to figure out who I am.

Perhaps the language we used is what kept this thread from being what ADR and I sort of intended for it to be.

Bunny, you are "You". A unique person in your own space. You have your likes and dislikes. Things that make you special to you and those that matter to you.

You decide what you like about yourself, keep them at the same level; or make them better. And the things you dont like about yourself, do the best you can to change them.

Whether your concerns are BDSM related or life in the "Grand scheme", do a side by side list. One side - what you like about yourself and where you are currently. The other side - what you dont like about yourself and where you are. Then look at the Don't Like side, and see what you personally can do to change those things. To make yourself feel better about you.

Each person is different. Our own personalities, attitudes, likes, dislikes..etc. There is no way to look at the big picture of life, and say "Ok, heres a world of boxes marked with different tags. I fit this one, this one, and that one. But I think I may fit there also. How do I know for sure?"

That would be like taking part A, adding to part B, combining to part C and equalling out to Part D. A clone.

Everyone is different in their own ways, and thats what makes them special.

And you are special to a lot of us here. So don't get to down about not "fitting in", either here or in the "Grand scheme"; because "fitting in" to life would just keep you plugging along. No hopes, fun, enjoyment, or thrills. Just plumb boring.

Hope this made sense to you, and always have an ear open if you need it.

{{{{{Bunny}}}}}

 

[JMohegan]

I think everyone's sort of missing what the phrase "fit in" means in this context. Or maybe we haven't been clear enough.

I don't need to "fit into" a group of people. I need to know where I am in the universe, in the grand scheme of all things, so I can figure out what the hell it is I want. I don't have to be just like everyone else to do that. I just have to figure out who I am.

Perhaps the language we used is what kept this thread from being what ADR and I sort of intended for it to be.

As you struggle to find your place in the universe, I see great value in *not* defining yourself in terms of sexual preference or personal relationship role.

From post 35 -

I'm a switch, in the simplest terms I can think of. But I'm so much more than that particular label. I always thought I was just a bottom until I met someone who made me want to submit. My definition of "submission" and other people's are probably two totally different things, but it worked for me at the time. After what happened to me, I don't see myself ever giving that much of me to anyone ever again, so I guess I'll just revert back to bottoming occasionally, which is mostly fine. A lot of people seem to have a problem with the "NO SUBMISSION" thing, though. I'll let you whip my ass and humiliate me, but if you ask me to give more than I'm willing to give, I'll tell you to shove it where the sun don't shine.

My Top side is the same way. I don't think I'm really dominant, either. I think it's possible that I may meet someone who brings that out in me, though, like I did with my submission. Just because it amuses me to hurt people doesn't mean I suddenly want to control their every move. Lots of folks have problems separating the two things.

That second sentence is spot on, but not for the reasons you mentioned.

Aren't you a lover of horses? English major? Alabama girl, with affection for certain sights, sounds, and tastes from your home state? A collection of various opinions, political views, personality and character traits? Multiple other things having nothing to do with people in the intimate relationship sense?

Those things make up your core, your essence as an individual. Partners may come & go, but those things remain forever.

And in the absence of a partner, focusing on those aspects of your life (the horses, the English studies, whatever), will not only help you avoid the temptation to wallow in a sense of void and loneliness, but will also increase your attractiveness (as a vibrant, well-rounded person) to the next person who comes along.

I'm not saying that kink is unimportant. But to me, kink is best considered a way of expressing oneself in the context of an intimate relationship - *not* a way of defining oneself overall.

It's just that if I don't really know where I am in the universe of all things kink, how can I possibly articulate it to someone else? And if I can't articulate it to someone else, I'm probably doomed to more shitty relationships for the rest of my life.

If you are seeking a long-term, sustainable, satisfying relationship, my advice is to seek character, charisma, and overall compatibility first and *then* figure out what you need to be satisfied in terms of kink.

Let the physical expression flow naturally from the way you relate as individuals, rather than trying to force overall compatibility onto a pairing based on your current best guess as to your sexual needs.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Kajira Callista]

JM is a smarty-pants.

Just sayin'.

lol i agree wit da mouse