Who sets the boundaries?

[Elayne_Hawke]

In a nutshell:

So as someone who's new to this dom/sub world, I've been learning some things through reading stories, research and talking to some people, the only way I would be able to submit myself to any man would be would be to a real Dom. Especially since trust is a major issue with me. As I'm coming to learn some things about myself I know he's also got to have patience with me because of my wanting to challenge authority through my playfulness, teasing, taunting. I'm not a willing sub, so to speak, I'm kind of considered a bratty sub, in other words I won't be easy to deal with lol. So the guy that I would want to submit myself to has to understand this and not abuse the power and trust I'm giving to him.

 

[MorlockIam]

So as someone who's new to this dom/sub world, I've been learning some things through reading stories, research and talking to some people, the only way I would be able to submit myself to any man would be would be to a real Dom. Especially since trust is a major issue with me. As I'm coming to learn some things about myself I know he's also got to have patience with me because of my wanting to challenge authority through my playfulness, teasing, taunting. I'm not a willing sub, so to speak, I'm kind of considered a bratty sub, in other words I won't be easy to deal with lol. So the guy that I would want to submit myself to has to understand this and not abuse the power and trust I'm giving to him.

To me it sounds like you would want a soft spoken and caring type of dominant male who is more of a guide and eases you into things or even makes you so comfortable that you want to do things that might challenge you. Sounds interesting!

 

[Elayne_Hawke]

To me it sounds like you would want a soft spoken and caring type of dominant male who is more of a guide and eases you into things or even makes you so comfortable that you want to do things that might challenge you. Sounds interesting!

You maybe right, like I said I'm still new to this. I do know I definitely crave the challenge, adds to the excitement for me lol. More than likely if someone asks me to do something I'll probably turn around and look at them and go 'yeah right' with a smirk. Lol

 

[MorlockIam]

You maybe right, like I said I'm still new to this. I do know I definitely crave the challenge, adds to the excitement for me lol. More than likely if someone asks me to do something I'll probably turn around and look at them and go 'yeah right' with a smirk. Lol

If you ever want to talk about it feel free to PM me.

 

[darkride]

As for who sets the boundaries, I’d say both. The question is just if it leaves a big enough overlap in the Venn diagram, to make it interesting.

As a math geek, beautiful imagery.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I heard this question at the last munch we went to. The answer was “If I’m only comfortable going to A but you’re comfortable going to B then we go to A. With time, communication and trust we can revisit. But if you push, threaten or force then we go to C as in C U later”

 

[jerryb1966]

A Dom should listen and know her limits…respecting every one.

 

[Sass84]

In a nutshell:

Definitely in a nutshell, the fake Dom is more describing a slave relationship where as the The real Dom is a realistic Sub/Dom or Domme relationship, there can be fine line between both depending on the type of personalities involved and the boundaries agreed too.
The Submissive partner has to have a degree of control over what he or she will willingly do, as well as the dominant partner respecting certain boundaries,

 

[Erosfan]

Have you ever had a dominant state - as if it were their god given right: Well, you're the submissive, all you really need to do is what you're told.

My reply is, generally, if you're not going to pay attention to my wants and needs, you're going to have an incredibly hard time getting anywhere with me, at all. At best, you'll get a polite 'no thank you'. At worst, I'll laugh in your face. I'm in a relationship now - and maybe my great fortune is that I more or less taught her to be dominant - but it came up recently, at a ... thing. I don't do 'sex parties', but this was a similar sort of thing. No actual sex going on, but all the invited were ... god, I hate the term 'part of the scene' or even worse, part of the 'dark universe'. Sounds so unbelievably Vin Diesel (and you're excused if you don't get the reference).

So anyways, this guy told me how very experienced he was as a dom, and how he controlled everything, and girls would just love every moment of him doing whatever he wanted to them - and I told him in fairly clear terms that I considered extraordinarily doubtful, and that in all my (wait for it ......) four years of experience in this game I've never met even a single sub, male or female, who enjoyed their dom paying zero attention to what they wanted.

Eh, rant off. I just wanted that off my chest. He was an absolute dick about everything.

Am I wrong? The sub defines the playing field. Then - but only then - does the dom get to play. Freely, though. But within defined borders. Admittedly, at times the borders are defined as 'anything you like, until I say 'safeword'. But I've frankly never heard such poorly defined borders used among anything but well established ... partners or playmates or whatever.

Right?

"Am I wrong? The sub defines the playing field. Then - but only then - does the dom get to play. Freely, though. But within defined borders. Admittedly, at times the borders are defined as 'anything you like, until I say 'safeword'. But I've frankly never heard such poorly defined borders used among anything but well established ... partners or playmates or whatever."

I like this. So much of what you describe is how my marriage with my late wife was. We had some amazing experiences. We had well established limits and we both honored them.

 

[cocktaildress21]

"Am I wrong? The sub defines the playing field. Then - but only then - does the dom get to play. Freely, though. But within defined borders. Admittedly, at times the borders are defined as 'anything you like, until I say 'safeword'. But I've frankly never heard such poorly defined borders used among anything but well established ... partners or playmates or whatever."

I like this. So much of what you describe is how my marriage with my late wife was. We had some amazing experiences. We had well established limits and we both honored them.

I'm propably oversimplifying a bit, but yea - the dom has no privilege to go beyond the limits of the sub. I've heard some claim that they enjoy that, but first off I doubt they're telling the truth, and even if they do, it moves it (to my mind) from fun sexual fetish to an abusive relationship.

That said though, with trust and familiarity, propably a dom push certain boundaries and sense whether or not there is consent and both enjoy it. Really my initial point here is .. meeting a total random stranger online, and this scumbag (I'm still mad at him) claims that not only does he have zero regard for the interests or limits of his partners - they even enjoy it. He's delusional. God I'm so happy I never accidentally met someone like that. What an utter douche. Although to be fair, I expect it's just a fantasy and he's never been anywhere near trying it in real life.

 

[Belong2Her]

my Wife has always set the boundaries. The day She walked in on me exiting the shower in my apartment, and She walked up to me and without asking, removed the towel around my waste exposing my naked boy, and i felt something telling me She had every right to do so, and then i gave into an urge i know not where it came from, but i knew i must drop to my knees and kiss her sandaled feet. W/we both realized from that moment on, our relationship and later marriage was to always be led by Her.

 

[Erosfan]

I'm propably oversimplifying a bit, but yea - the dom has no privilege to go beyond the limits of the sub. I've heard some claim that they enjoy that, but first off I doubt they're telling the truth, and even if they do, it moves it (to my mind) from fun sexual fetish to an abusive relationship.

That said though, with trust and familiarity, propably a dom push certain boundaries and sense whether or not there is consent and both enjoy it. Really my initial point here is .. meeting a total random stranger online, and this scumbag (I'm still mad at him) claims that not only does he have zero regard for the interests or limits of his partners - they even enjoy it. He's delusional. God I'm so happy I never accidentally met someone like that. What an utter douche. Although to be fair, I expect it's just a fantasy and he's never been anywhere near trying it in real life.

My wife and I had an amazing relationship. We discussed things long this line, many times. I was sexually submissive to her. I told her she could do with me as she wished, and I would never refuse her, no matter when or where she wanted to play. She was the one that kept me safe and out of trouble. She knew how to push me to my limits, and occasionally, beyond, just to see how I would react. Those times were stimulating, invigorating, and amazingly, sexually intense.
She did care about me/us and our safety, but she was never abusive of me or my trust. I'm could never do this with a stranger.

 

[Belong2Her]

My wife and I had an amazing relationship. We discussed things long this line, many times. I was sexually submissive to her. I told her she could do with me as she wished, and I would never refuse her, no matter when or where she wanted to play. She was the one that kept me safe and out of trouble. She knew how to push me to my limits, and occasionally, beyond, just to see how I would react. Those times were stimulating, invigorating, and amazingly, sexually intense.
She did care about me/us and our safety, but she was never abusive of me or my trust. I'm could never do this with a stranger.

Sounds wonderful. Living in this lifestyle depends 100% on trust, and if you are submissive like us, knowing that our Mistress/Wives will protect us in return for our "loving obedience, as They provide us with loving authority."

 

[Erosfan]

Sounds woderful. Livingin this lifestyle depends 100% on trust, and if you are submissive like us, knowing that our Mistress/Wives will protect us in return for our "loving obedience, They provide us with "loving authority."

Absolutely!

 

[calmlikeabomb]

The sub defines the boundry conditions, the dom leads the discussion on soft and hard limits, making sure the sub has the freedom to express themselves fully and are heard.

Then the dom repeats the defined boundry conditions, making sure the sub assents. As the dom, making sure communication is open and healthy is your responsibility.

Of course this breaks down when an inexperienced dom meets a lazy narcissist (I'm topping from bottom, do all the work master... Urghh). Wish I could say that never happened to me but i'd be lying.

 

[Dearelliot]

Different strokes for different folks, no one-size-fits-all. I am a sub to women and like my role. I only see professional Dommes, because I have never been able to find one that will dominate me for free.
Since I'm paying I kinda set the rules. It's important that I'm afraid of her, when she speaks I listen, so that means she will hurt me. Most of my dommes over the years have tied me down and used needles...I don't use safe words I expect her to hear how loud I scream as a sign of it's too much. What they make me do I want to do anyway, and would with any woman I meet if allowed to.
But as most of us know, I don't want to paint her house or cut her lawn...so I am really in charge. This for me has to do with sexual pleasure, that's what I pay her for.

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

We both do, but really it who has the most boundaries. Then you can work on it.

A example is I like more pain that my wife feels comfortable with. So if she bites me or whatever it’s to the point where she feels comfortable. The when she sees the marks the next day she kinda freaks a little and I reassure her it was really ok.