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Widows and widowers 2

B2fromA2looking4U said:
Thank you for sharing. I have really gone through a real roller coaster in dating and libido. I thought I found a new companion, but we parted. Although there was great communication there was no romantic chemistry. In hind sight, I missed caution signs like her always bringing up her bitter divorce by a cheating narcissist. I feel it was our first time dating and we wanted things to move along with romance, but we were probably not ready. Even a disappointing relationship can help with the future.

I am not sure why my libido ebbs and flows. In the 1st 3 months since my wife passed away, I was super horny. Now, it comes and goes. I think that changes when I am around a woman. It is manageable and I am focusing on fitness.
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I can absolutely echo your fluctuating libido! The first year had mine all over the place, most often ragingly horny, but then completely flat. It's settled down now to a steady readiness, but not something that intrudes on every thought. I gather from other grief help sites this isn't unusual.
 
My libido has been hit and miss ever since my wife died nearly 5 years ago. Have only had one sex partner anout a year after, and it was forgettable at best. It's almost like sex is not as important to me as is intimacy and companionship. I could really take it or leave it. I'd have to really get to know someone first and develop strong feeling before taking that plunge. Long enough to make sure there's no jealous husbands or exes waiting for me with a shotgun one day.
Love the approach that @HampshireBoy took with his current wife. Now if I only convince myself to get on that horse.....

Thanks to all who share.
 
B2fromA2looking4U said:
Thank you for sharing. I have really gone through a real roller coaster in dating and libido. I thought I found a new companion, but we parted. Although there was great communication there was no romantic chemistry. In hind sight, I missed caution signs like her always bringing up her bitter divorce by a cheating narcissist. I feel it was our first time dating and we wanted things to move along with romance, but we were probably not ready. Even a disappointing relationship can help with the future.
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We all go through this, whether widowed or having ended a long relationship, dating is new - you don't know what you want and don't know how to get there either. All experiences are valuable, whether good or bad, without my dates and FWB experiences I would probably not been open to the relationship with my wife; without her dating experiences between being widowed and meeting me she probably wouldn't have been open to our relationship.
B2fromA2looking4U said:
I am not sure why my libido ebbs and flows. In the 1st 3 months since my wife passed away, I was super horny. Now, it comes and goes. I think that changes when I am around a woman. It is manageable and I am focusing on fitness.
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To be fair I think we all experience this as we get older, plus other things go on in your life and take your focus away. If any woman shows interest, or is just attentive, your libido is bound to surge. Being fitter comes with all sorts of health and mental benefits, we all could probably do with doing more.
 
Although this thread is not as popular as some others, I relize how important to us who are going through the grief and loss of our loved one. I have an observation and question, have you been feeling like there is so much to do but the inertia seems to great to do it? I finally passed one such hurdle when I went to our church for the first time since the funeral. I needed my friends though as moral support.
 
Absolutely.
We'd both been very active in church. We led committees, etc. I just really didn't want to participate at all for a while. Or in much of anything else, frankly, but church was something we did as a couple and like many other things it was tough to do it as a single--just didn't feel right.
The inertia of doing nothing can be a sympton of depression, which of course is part of the whole damn package. Sometimes it took all my strength and willpower just to go buy groceries.
Good for you getting back to where there's welcome and comfort!
I find it's better now.
 
B2fromA2looking4U said:
widows are more open to understanding and less guarded emotionally than divorced women.
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I thought of it this way: A divorced wo(man) was likely to have been ready for her/his marriage to end. A widow(er) likely not. Those are antipodal mental states.
B2fromA2looking4U said:
BTW – my wife and I had a warm, loving and very sensual relationship and I miss her deeply.
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It's going to be ten years all too soon. Our marriage only lasted 13. I am still mourning actively.
 
BenHoping said:
Grief groups can be good too, though I didn't find that so in my case. The group was organized around a scripted set of conversations, and I found them awfully trite. Others in the group seemed to find it useful, but I bailed early.
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I participated in two. One was a tremendous balm. Even kept in touch with some of the other members for a while afterward.

The other was so dry and mechanical it actually made me feel worse. I too bailed early from that one.

The quality of the facilitator in each was the difference.

While I suspect Literotica is not the first place a new widow(er) will turn for grieving wisdom, nevertheless FWIW, one should not feel that there is something wrong with you if the fit of a group (or an individual counselor) is poor. You owe it to yourself to insist on the very best help for you. Do. Not. Settle.

(As an aside, it's the very rare facilitator/counselor who does get ruffled feathers at bring "rejected." Some will even try to argue/persuade you that he IS a good fit. This us unfortunate, if all-too-human [and all-too-unprofessional]. Though you are in an emotionally vulnerable or weakened state, summon the strength to hold your ground and part amicably. It can be beneficial insofar as you are reestablishing the agency that Death mocked.)
 
UtilityCurve said:
I participated in two. One was a tremendous balm. Even kept in touch with some of the other members for a while afterward.

The other was so dry and mechanical it actually made me feel worse. I too bailed early from that one.

The quality of the facilitator in each was the difference.

While I suspect Literotica is not the first place a new widow(er) will turn for grieving wisdom, nevertheless FWIW, one should not feel that there is something wrong with you if the fit of a group (or an individual counselor) is poor. You owe it to yourself to insist on the very best help for you. Do. Not. Settle.

(As an aside, it's the very rare facilitator/counselor who does get ruffled feathers at bring "rejected." Some will even try to argue/persuade you that he IS a good fit. This us unfortunate, if all-too-human [and all-too-unprofessional]. Though you are in an emotionally vulnerable or weakened state, summon the strength to hold your ground and part amicably. It can be beneficial insofar as you are reestablishing the agency that Death mocked.)
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Thank you. My experience has fortunately been good with a good facilitator. Also I knew my individual grief counselor from when I had group caregiving counseling. Finf the right fit for sure.

When I first came to Lit, I was not looking for counsel or anything like this thread. I can say I wanted to find a hook up as my libido was high. What I have found here are genuinely considerate and thoughtful people. You all have helped me along a more even path with my emotions: its OK to not be OK.
 
B2fromA2looking4U said:
Thank you. My experience has fortunately been good with a good facilitator. Also I knew my individual grief counselor from when I had group caregiving counseling. Finf the right fit for sure.

When I first came to Lit, I was not looking for counsel or anything like this thread. I can say I wanted to find a hook up as my libido was high. What I have found here are genuinely considerate and thoughtful people. You all have helped me along a more even path with my emotions: its OK to not be OK.
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It  is okay not to be okay.

The hard part is wondering if you will ever  be okay.

And on that score, I have no good news to share.

Ten years and counting. It's survivable, but it's no way enjoyable.
 
This morning was a tough one as I had a dream with my wife in it and that was a trigger. I know that all of have triggers, some obvious like an anniversary or holiday. I was to have a regular meeting with some of our friends but called it off. I did not explain to them that I was just not up to it after the dream and sadness, I just asked that we postpone it. One of the group expressed her disappointment in such a way I was hurt that she did not understand that sometimes, we have our good days and bad days. Any of you have such an experience?
 
I became a widow in 2021. I was with that man nearly every day for 25 years. He was only 46.
That's how I found lit. I had remembered the site from exploring it years ago, and I wanted to read a few stories. That led me to the forums, which in turn led me to some great people on here...
But, I have yet to fully grieve. Or I've realized death is final, so why cry over the fact he's not here anymore. Yes, I've cried, I also escaped the sadness through sexual dynamics, and finding my spot in the BDSM community, so to say.
I can't change that he's not alive. I can only keep living life how I want.
I don't date, I don't want a BF, and I'll never marry again.
I do have a survivors guilt, in a way.
 
Ssbbw4u1974 said:
I became a widow in 2021. I was with that man nearly every day for 25 years. He was only 46.
That's how I found lit. I had remembered the site from exploring it years ago, and I wanted to read a few stories. That led me to the forums, which in turn led me to some great people on here...
But, I have yet to fully grieve. Or I've realized death is final, so why cry over the fact he's not here anymore. Yes, I've cried, I also escaped the sadness through sexual dynamics, and finding my spot in the BDSM community, so to say.
I can't change that he's not alive. I can only keep living life how I want.
I don't date, I don't want a BF, and I'll never marry again.
I do have a survivors guilt, in a way.
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I am glad you found this group. We can share our feelings and opinions that are unique to having lost our spouse or partner. I have come to use 3 words often when a speak about grieving: Space, Grace and Pace. Many times, no matter how well I am doing, I sometimes just need space from people. And I need to give myself grace when I have a sad day and ask others for it as well. And everyone grieves at his/her own pace whichis unique to that person. You have our support on anything you wish to share. No judgement here. I will give you a virtual hug 🫂

Another thread of very encouraging and supportive people is the Chaos coffee Klatch.
 
Another trigger coming up in 5 days - our wedding anniversary. In consultation with my therapist, I am planning something special that day. Not sure what yet. I am planting forget me nots ground cover on her grave today.
 
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10 years ago we got married. It was the happiest day of our life. As bear says, the memory is not sad, it is magic. I will give myself space today as needed, grace when I slip into sadness, and rejoice and / or grieve at my own pace today.

Hugs to all:
 
Ssbbw4u1974 said:
Music always helps me...
What did you do yesterday that helped you?
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I ran mutliple errands just like she would always do and then headed to the grave. I had earlier planted 6 packs of forget me nots so I watered them. I also had tea, our favorite thing, and a cookie from an Italian bakery (she was half Italian). Then I chatted a bit with her. It felt good and left remembering that wonderful day. Thanks for asking. What are you feeling? (BTW - I never ask HOW you are feeling).
 
Ssbbw4u1974 said:
@B2fromA2looking4U ..
Well.. I have until July before it's his death anniversary, our meet cute anniversary and our marriage anniversary..
But, he's on my mind daily.
I still have a hard time looking at his pictures..
We never had a song. But I had 25 years with him.. and have a great son from him!!
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I understand and remember to give yourself grace. Hugs from me and others here: 🫂
 
In about a month, July 15th, is the day the love of my life passed away one year ago. I hate these milestones. I am sure you do too. The other day I was watering plants by her grave and began to take a walk. And it suddenly hit me again what we were doing one year ago helping to fight the cancer that robbed us of a rich life. I know all of you have experienced something similar. It feels good to share.
 
22 months next week.

For me the most difficult part is keeping appearances - as there's no use telling his old mom the truth about her son. Actually, I'm not even telling my parents and sisters. My SIL's know.

I guess you can understand I'm not too fond of condolences either. Luckily I didn't know the truth when the majority of them came.

Finding happiness is an effective cure against bitterness.
 
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