Widows and widowers 2

[B2fromA2looking4U]

 

[Strixaluco]

Actually... If you KNOW you'll be a widow in a while (spouse being terminally ill) I really recommend you to think about what you'll be able to do that you cannot do while your spouse still lives.

It doest take the sorrow away, but it makes coping a little easier. And then, when it has happened, finding that something to wait for all the time, which I have discussed here already. Depends on you how soon it should be to help. For me preferably every damn week (meaning I scheduled long calls with friends at times).

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Actually... If you KNOW you'll be a widow in a while (spouse being terminally ill) I really recommend you to think about what you'll be able to do that you cannot do while your spouse still lives.

It doest take the sorrow away, but it makes coping a little easier. And then, when it has happened, finding that something to wait for all the time, which I have discussed here already. Depends on you how soon it should be to help. For me preferably every damn week (meaning I scheduled long calls with friends at times).

I wish I had.

 

[Strixaluco]

I wish I had.

For me it was kind of easy of course, because I had been aware of changes I wanted to do but couldn't because of him, he wouldn't have ever agreed to those (especially moving to the city, which was prerequisite for easier life and more social life). So I started making plans unknown to him of course. That became my coping mechanism. Browsed through which areas would be nice to live in etc.

 

[HampshireBoy]

A few years ago I encountered a lady who was probably in her eighties in tears in the bank, her husband had just died and he used to do everything financially. She didn't know how to use an ATM, or write a cheque and knew nothing about direct debits etc. The young lady in the bank just didn't understand and had no idea how to handle a (newly bereaved lady) in tears. It took myself and a female customer to help the lady, sit her down quietly and offer to help - then have a rant at staff (out of earshot of the lady) to get some help for her. They had no children or close relatives to help, I still worry how many others end up in that position.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

A few years ago I encountered a lady who was probably in her eighties in tears in the bank, her husband had just died and he used to do everything financially. She didn't know how to use an ATM, or write a cheque and knew nothing about direct debits etc. The young lady in the bank just didn't understand and had no idea how to handle a (newly bereaved lady) in tears. It took myself and a female customer to help the lady, sit her down quietly and offer to help - then have a rant at staff (out of earshot of the lady) to get some help for her. They had no children or close relatives to help, I still worry how many others end up in that position.

First thank you for helping her. She felt helpless and without hope from the loss of her husband. And then to deal with something he never shared with her must have been terrifying. You are a kind person.

 

[Strixaluco]

A few years ago I encountered a lady who was probably in her eighties in tears in the bank, her husband had just died and he used to do everything financially. She didn't know how to use an ATM, or write a cheque and knew nothing about direct debits etc. The young lady in the bank just didn't understand and had no idea how to handle a (newly bereaved lady) in tears. It took myself and a female customer to help the lady, sit her down quietly and offer to help - then have a rant at staff (out of earshot of the lady) to get some help for her. They had no children or close relatives to help, I still worry how many others end up in that position.

Young people often struggle to understand hardships of life. Too often the way they learn is the hard way...

But the situation of that lady is precisely why it isn't a good idea to let the other one handle something totally. Mostly, yes, but so that one keeps some kind of updated idea about handling daily matters.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

Dear friends. Today is one year since my wife's passing. When the one you love deeply is gone, you need to know there are others who understand as they have gone though it as well. Since creating this thread, you have helped me with my grief by sharing yours and your experiences. Remember: grace, space and pace. Hugs to all.

 

[Strixaluco]

Dear friends. Today is one year since my wife's passing. When the one you love deeply is gone, you need to know there are others who understand as they have gone though it as well. Since creating this thread, you have helped me with my grief by sharing yours and your experiences. Remember: grace, space and pace. Hugs to all.

We are here for you

 

[UtilityCurve]

Dear friends. Today is one year since my wife's passing. When the one you love deeply is gone, you need to know there are others who understand as they have gone though it as well. Since creating this thread, you have helped me with my grief by sharing yours and your experiences. Remember: grace, space and pace. Hugs to all.

Can't describe how much I empathize. When she died, I had weird fantasies that no one would ever lose a lover.

 

[ace195008]

It is refreshing to see empathy and sympathy

 

[UtilityCurve]

It is refreshing to see empathy and sympathy

Think about it, though. If there were any population other than parents who have lost a child (God forbid--may it NEVER happen again, to ANYONE): This has GOT to be the worst thing. Nine, almost ten, years. I still hurt like a knife, daily. You?

 

[Strixaluco]

Think about it, though. If there were any population other than parents who have lost a child (God forbid--may it NEVER happen again, to ANYONE): This has GOT to be the worst thing. Nine, almost ten, years. I still hurt like a knife, daily. You?

Interestingly, loosing a life partner seems to be even a bigger stressor than loosing a child. In the index of life happenings and what stress index they have (the more points you have within last year, the more likely you are to have health effects withing next 2 years), becoming a widow is on the very top.

But I think the sorrow after a child may be more permanent, generally.

I've been widow for 23 months, 2 days and almost 12 hours. I mourned deeply in the beginning and I suppose people remember me crying loud for half the funeral in church, and also when I later carried the ashes to grave.
Now, due to later revelations, I'm not mourning one bit. In fact, I strive not to be bitter and remember he had some good sides, too. It changed after 8,5 months. (I have told it somewhere here so you can dig it up if you wish, it's not relevant here though, I think.)

 

[ace195008]

I lost a wife in 2004, age 49 , Heart Attack due to Type 1 Diabetes. It was real tough for a bunch of years, at that time I was undiagnosed ADHD, HFA and PTSD . But I feel it was much tougher on my teenage daughters at the time.

 

[Leglover1234]

I am terminally Ill and wife can become a widow at any time. I have mixed feelings about her remarrying. I obviously want her to be happy. Will he be a better husband and father than me? Will she remember our time together? How will he treat my daughters? Will he take care of MY house and family the way I did and still try to do? Will my daughters lose touch with my family?

 

[ace195008]

Yeah, those are real tough questions

 

[Leglover1234]

She goes out a lot and I wonder if she is already looking for a replacement. We haven’t been intimate or affectionate in 3 years. Is she doing those things with someone else?

 

[Strixaluco]

I am terminally Ill and wife can become a widow at any time. I have mixed feelings about her remarrying. I obviously want her to be happy. Will he be a better husband and father than me? Will she remember our time together? How will he treat my daughters? Will he take care of MY house and family the way I did and still try to do? Will my daughters lose touch with my family?

I feel for you How old are your daughters?

I'd trust your wife - she won't accept someone who doesn't treat your daughters well and let them keep touch to your family. Actually, if she manages to get someone better than you, then I'd say that you have set her bar high enough!
And believe me, she will remember your time together. If your daughters are old enough to remember, they will, too. You have photos, right? Maybe you could also write them letters for spesific milestones/ages?

Her new husband, however, should she find one, will mostly be just different, and that you will have to accept. Your wife will have to accept it, too, and it might be difficult, because assuming you have been a good husband, she probably doesn't want things to change - but of course they will.

 

[Strixaluco]

She goes out a lot and I wonder if she is already looking for a replacement. We haven’t been intimate or affectionate in 3 years. Is she doing those things with someone else?

It may also be just a way of getting out, getting some moment of reprieve. I didn't have that after my husband got diagnosed, and I got to the point of inability to work after 5 months.

Hearing you aren't affectionate makes me very sad. We got closer after his diagnosis - finally. It was our way of coping. Physical intimacy is another thing of course, as it might not be possible, but I wish you could be emotionally intimate. It could help you both.

I know of those who find a comforter before actually becoming a widow, but usually it's a situation where the other one is even not in the condition to discuss properly.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I never thought about him going first. For 25 years, he was my best friend, but never had major health issues.
I was the one whose life almost ended several times from health complications. I was the one worried how would HE manage without me?
I'll never remarry... I know they say never say never.
After he died, I had to sell my vehicle because it kept dying and I couldn't afford the repairs... He was the best auto mechanic, he repaired every car I ever had... It's things like that.

 

[Leglover1234]

I’ve treated her like a queen and my 7 and 11 year old daughters like princesses. That’s how I was raised. I wanted them to have a better childhood than I did. My illness ruined that though

 

[Leglover1234]

It may also be just a way of getting out, getting some moment of reprieve. I didn't have that after my husband got diagnosed, and I got to the point of inability to work after 5 months.

Hearing you aren't affectionate makes me very sad. We got closer after his diagnosis - finally. It was our way of coping. Physical intimacy is another thing of course, as it might not be possible, but I wish you could be emotionally intimate. It could help you both.

I know of those who find a comforter before actually becoming a widow, but usually it's a situation where the other one is even not in the condition to discuss properly.

Little by little she is separating herself from me

 

[Leglover1234]

I come here for female companionship

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Dear friends. Today is one year since my wife's passing. When the one you love deeply is gone, you need to know there are others who understand as they have gone though it as well. Since creating this thread, you have helped me with my grief by sharing yours and your experiences. Remember: grace, space and pace. Hugs to all.

The first year is the hardest. Every first after a loved ones passing is the worst for me, at least. First father's day was rough.
Birthdays.
Thank you for this thread... It's really helped me. Birds of a feather, right?

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

The first year is the hardest. Every first after a loved ones passing is the worst for me, at least. First father's day was rough.
Birthdays.
Thank you for this thread... It's really helped me. Birds of a feather, right?

Absolutely birds of a feather.