Wife finally agreed to watch porn. Need Women's advice!

[1sickbastard]

It's also frustrating me that I feel like these are some things that I would like to incorporate into my life, with her, and just my desire to do them isnt enough for her to want to try. It's like if she said to me, that it would turn her on to watch me jerk off while wearing nothing but snorkel gear and a tutu, no matter how crazy, i would JUMP to do it for her, knowing it would turn her on. I dont feel like she would do that in return for me, and that's what is most frustrating beyond anything else.

Then I wonder if there's just something wrong with me, that I can't just be happy with vanilla sex, every few days.

Thanks for letting me vent, guys!

First off; No, there is nothing wrong with you wanting more than plain vanilla sex, wanting to expand the variety of sex within the confines of your marriage, or the fact that you're feeling increasingly frustrated that your spouse is unwilling to compromise with some of your wants/needs. Nor is there anything wrong with her for not wanting more than vanilla sex. This is not about right or wrong, it's about having a relationship that is mutually satisfying to all those involved.

Secondly; You need to start discussions with her to find out WHY she finds anything more than vanilla sex disgusting. It may be she's just not wired that way. It could be that there's something deeper going on with her. Either way, openning up a dialogue is the only way you're going to figure it out. Professional counciling may be of some use.

Thirdly; You're going to have to make a personal decision whether this is going to be a deal breaker for your marriage. If the sex isn't that big a deal, then just let it go. If it is, then you're only going to become increasingly frustrated which will turn to bitterness and/or anger and/or resentment on your part (and probably hers as well) which, if it doesn't ruin your marriage outright, will not do it any good. Some marriages can survive that, some don't.

Either way, you need to figure out what you really want and need, then have that conversation with her. Sexual imcompatability can ruin a relationship. Hopefully you two can work out a reasonable compromise.

Good luck, man.

 

[GrrlFriday]

It can be really confronting to watch two people making love - particularly as your wife seems to be watching the video as a concession to you, rather than off her own bat. There's the risk of her feeling 'left out' if you don't pay attention to her during the video. Did you try asking her outside of the bedroom what she doesn't like about porn? (Inside the bedroom, while she's in bed with you and presumably naked, can make her feel even worse - quite vulnerable.)

What did she like about the 50 shades book? The trouble with Lit is that it's so big that it can be hard to find stories that are suitable and oh-so-easy to find unsuitable stories. What turns her on? Does she like the sight of you in a James Bond suit? What about just jeans after a day in the yard? What kinds of things would you like to incorporate into your sex life with her?

In regards to 'adding flavour', to extend the metaphor, she may feel that you are 'over-salting the dish', and she may feel like she 'has to eat it' regardless of her own feelings. To her, the things that you want may seem like 'bells and whistles', rather than 'added flavour' and she may not understand why they're so important to you. How do you think she'd answer if you asked her 'what do you like (prefer) in our sex life?' (favourite positions, favourite holidays, etc.) or 'what do you want more of in our sex life?'

Now - I really do have sympathy to your situation (and I know it may not seem like it, but I have been 'the kinky one' in a relationship - I got chided roundly once for 'too much' lip action during an 'I missed you...' kiss...), but if you're going to stretch your wife's boundaries successfully, then you have to work with her feelings, every step of the way, and listen to what she wants.

 

[subwannabe]

Sounds like she is too tough of a nut to crack. I really don't see you getting anywhere. The best you can hope to accomplish is finding a romance novel type movie with real one on one sex scenes but it sounds like you've kind of done that already. I also think you have to get it clear in your head maybe something specific that you want and also something specific that you want from her or for her and try to go down that road without watching porn. It sounds to me like if you are going to get anywhere with experimentation then you are going to have to figure out a way to do it without watching porn. I find it fascinating that she liked 50 shades but doesn't seem willing to even put her toes in the water. Somehow you have got to figure out what is up with that.

 

[HayleyLuvsSex]

x-art is the only porn i enjoy.

 

[Aphro]

Jeeze...how could she not like the part where he was going down on her? That's the bit I rewind a couple of times!

Sorry it didn't work out .I really don't know what to suggest. I am not sure why she would say a couple making love is disgusting...hmmm.

 

[Eilan]

Maybe when people come to Lit asking the "How can I get/make/convince my [significant other] to [participate in/perform sexual activity he or she doesn't want to do]?" question, this thread can be held up as an example of what can happen.

 

[Primalex]

I wonder if this is a barrier I'll ever be able to knock down.

You? No.



I told you to not start with hardcore. And...what do you pick?



Now my last recommendation:
Forget the movie idea. She is not a visual creature. Plain and simple.

Start by leaving romantic notes for her to be found. I said romantic, not naughty. Have less sex with her over time and then make the notes _slightly_ naughty. She has to picture herself in her mind doing naughty things to get orgasms. Her sex life is great right now, there is no reason for her mind to do this. So you have to create an environment where this happens.

Oh..and to spoil your hopes of turning her into a naughty sex doll with a 30 minute movie - we are talking about a time frame of 2-3 years.

 

[misatumbas]

not to mention that if you break that barrier she might ask some things YOU wont be into... be careful what you wish for

 

[PrinceM]

I wasn't trying to "turn her into a sex crazy nymph" in one night, with one video. We've had lengthy discussions over the years about "sauces" as one poster said earlier. She also doesnt think two people having sex is disgusting, but just watching two people have sex she said nauseates her. Perhaps I left out of my original post, that my asking her to watch porn with me has been going on for years and years. Obviously, not on a constant basis, but it comes up every once in a while, and I never push it on her. After years of me telling her how hot it would be for me, to have her watch a video with me, and get turned on along with me, she finally agreed. That was why I asked for something light and gentle to show her. LIke I said, we barely got a minute into it. When I told her I could fast forward to the sex part, past the oral parts, she said to me "wow, how many times have you seen this that you have it memorized already!".

It's such a tough situation, and I guess after all the years we've been together, I'm just going to have to accept that she will never really open up to erotica, or anything other than regular vanilla sex. We average sex about once a week, maybe twice on a good week, and while it's not super athletic or anything crazy, we both get off, and generally have a good time. Outside of bed, I think we have a pretty solid marriage. I'm pretty much going to have to find a way to stay happy with where we are.

Ironically, she has no problems at all with me rubbing them out on my own, or watching porn on my own, etc, she just doesnt want me to flaunt it.

Perhaps the most frustrating part for me, is that the girl I dated before my wife was really in tune with her sexuality. She loved to experiment, loved to watch porn with me and re-enact, loved to get frisky in public, and had zero sexual hangups. One time we watched another couple fuck in front of us, and we were so turned on that we ended up fucking in that other couple's front yard, as we couldnt even make it back to the car to drive back to her apt. We had our issues outside of the bedroom, and that's why that ultimately ended, but these are the kinds of things I'd really love to experience with my wife.

It's kind of like giving a kid an ice cream cone. Let him eat teh whole thing, make a total mess, grin from cheek to cheek, and then tell him "you will never have ice cream again, and if you want ice cream, i'm gonna make you feel shitty about it." ok, well, maybe that's extreme, but I think you all get what i'm saying.

 

[Primalex]

ok, well, maybe that's extreme, but I think you all get what i'm saying.

Yes.


5 years and you still don't understand your partner.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Hi again! Again, I do sympathise, I wouldn't be trying to get you to see things through your wife's eyes if I didn't feel sympathy for you, but I'm going to be plain-spoken again.

To me, it doesn't read like your wife agreed to watch porn so much as caved in. There is a world of difference between the two. To her, watching two people make love is disgusting, and it makes her feel shitty, and she may be confused and sickened as to why you want to share that with her (or flaunt it). Your wife was never the one who gave you the icecream - your former lover was. You chose to have your wife's stable and vanilla icecream over this former lover's wild and issue-filled icecream. The sooner you can accept this, the happier you'll be with your wife.

It sounds to me like while you think you've been trying not to pressure her, the continual (but not constant ) asking is pressure in itself. Your wife has her reasons for disliking porn. They are not going to change overnight, or even in the time you've been married. You don't know what they are, and can't seem to find out in a way that makes her feel respected, even if you still disagree with her reasons.

What does your wife enjoy? What gets her motor running? Does she have a crush on an actor? She doesn't like the lingerie you've bought for her, but have you ever gone shopping with her and said that you'd like to see what makes her feel sexy? (A plain silky undershirt that feels nice against the skin can be more comfy than a lot of the lingerie out there!) Does she ever initiate sex? If you can lay off asking about porn and instead encourage her in something she likes, no matter how tame (more cuddling, more kissing! ), then maybe she'll get used to the idea that her pleasure and comfort is important to you.

She may never want to experiment if her experimentations are seen by you as 'not enough', or if you don't even notice them. She read 50 shades, possibly just out of curiosity, because her friends recommended it, she seemed to enjoy it, but set it aside, possibly because it's just a silly novel, and it's silly to compare the relationships in romance novels to your real relationship. I am not your wife, and I don't know why she was content to lay the book aside and not explore further at this point. That she even tried reading the novel is good. Have you asked your librarian for 'books like 50 shades' and read them yourself and suggested she give them a try? You can always ask her when you go to return the books which she liked best, and then ask for more recommendations. It can be easier to say 'I liked this book' rather than 'I like this sex act'.

I'm a bit worried that the drip-drip-drip (think water against stone) of you asking has caused her to shut off the part of her that's interested in trying, because she may feel that the totality of what you want is too far out for her. Try and be happy with what you've got, but try to encourage her in her sex life, if you can. Step by step, checking in with her as to what she likes and how she feels. Best of luck - I hope this helps you in some way.

 

[dannyboy1958]

female porn

I can highly recommend trying one of the petra joy films - two films, very erotic without lots of thrusting and sweating.

 

[subwannabe]

In general, porn sucks, especially DVD's. Definetly not for those who are not into it. I have found that searchable downloadable porn is much easier to find what you want but even that sounds too advanced for your wife. I would forget porn altogether and concentrate on figuring out where you want to go and take baby steps between the two of you without any visual aids. Somehow you have got to figure out how to turn her on and into a more experimental direction without having to use props to turn her on. You said she liked reading 50 shades, maybe you can take baby steps with the written word instead of using the visual angle.

 

[Sistinas74]

Yikes!!! Scary is all i can think of to be in your position....I would say, go with being very passive about it..I would ask HER to choose what you watch or what she wants to watch. Try to reach into what she wants and desires, if she sees you as being non-judgmental and open to whatever she is into it could most likely develop a great foundation for you two to explore! I would just focus in on only HER interests and what she likes. When she sees you being all about her she will want to reciprocate at some point and explore your ideas of sexuality in the areas of porn.

 

[njlauren]

One of the things men don't understand is that a lot of women don't react like men do to things, men see porn, see people screwing,and yowza, instant hard ons....women work differently, and ever study of sexuality has shown those differences, it isn't myth. A woman can love erotic fiction (my wife reads stuff that makes 50 shades look mild, try Lora Leigh and some of the writers at Ellora's Cave) and hate porn. I didn't look at the Xhamster movie, but having seen stuff on there, including stuff supposedly erotic, most of it is run of the mill porn. Instead of online, see if you can find movies by people like Candida Royalle, or other people that were recommended,or maybe erotic movies like 9 1/2 weeks or Red Shoe Diaries....but it could be porn won't work for her at all..or she has moral objections to watching others have sex, no way to know.

Okay, want to try something different? Ask her if she would be interested in trying reading to each other erotic fiction akin to 50 shades (not BDSM necessarily, just erotic fiction), read it out loud and see what happens, it may work. Ask her first what she thought about 50 shades, did she like it as a yarn, did it interest her in any way sexually as erotica (don't ask her 'would you like to try what is in there?', that would be pushing it). My wife has been reading a lot of those books, and it has helped our love life, though I have to laugh when she asks me "did you know people do this?" and I am like "Do I answer and say 'duh' or do I smile and say "wow, that is interesting!". ). One of the nice parts about e-books is women can read them and not be embarrassed, lots of women grew up thinking that was smut, women don't read it, etc...if she liked 50 shades and found it stimulating, offer to try other books with her and see what she says...

More important, see if she has any fantasies. She may say she is interested only in what you are doing, but maybe she is simply shy about it. The key to all this is communicating.....it is a process we are going through after a long marriage where our sex life for many years was pretty pathetic and have had a lot of major issues (we will be at 25 next month...).....it is coming alive for us, lots of weirdness there, some of it is opening up and realizing we have to live, especially since we will be empty nesters come the fall, and we have to live for ourselves for once in in our lives, some of it is because my wife is finally healing from horrific abuse as a child that I suspect torpedoed our sex life for many, many years, lots of things I couldn't do to her, ways I couldn't touch her, etc, looking back I realize how much we lost because of it.....if she won't even talk about your sex life, won't explore talking or reading about it, then you may have deeper problems IMO....but I think you have to realize that 1)she is probably viewing things differently then you and 2)you are coming from a different place then she, which I fully understand...and the key is open communication, not being afraid to talk about it and so forth. Looking at porn quite frankly is a shitty way to start, I think the erotic fiction out there in e-book land is a much better places to start. One of the problems with Lit is that a lot of the stories, quite frankly, are written by men as male based wank fodder, and it won't turn a women on. Some will, there are some great romantic stories that have elements of fun sex, there are occassionally pieces written by women and so forth......maybe some of the women on here have lit stories they liked to suggest.....actually, asking on the "Author's Hangout' section might get you some responses, since it seems to have more than its share of women writers.

I wish you luck, I know where you are coming from, and in all sincerity take it slow, keep in mind she isn't your ex girlfriend, and open up the lines of communication, don't pressure her, rather simply talk, and suggest, and the erotic fantasy books might work better than the films.......at the very least, find the films made by women for women, not the male oriented wank movies

 

[Kitkat103]

I recommend Viv Thomas, it is very sensual. You can find some free clips on xvideos or just google it.

 

[Primalex]

I would ask HER to choose what you watch or what she wants to watch. Try to reach into what she wants and desires, if she sees you as being non-judgmental and open to whatever she is into it could most likely develop a great foundation for you two to explore! I would just focus in on only HER interests and what she likes. When she sees you being all about her she will want to reciprocate at some point and explore your ideas of sexuality in the areas of porn.

Do people actually read a thread before replying?


Hello - SHE is happy! HER interests are being met.

What next?
"My wife is vegetarian, but I want her to eat a steak."
"Make dinner all about herself, then she will happily explore the taste of meat with you!"

ARGGGHH... how stupid can people be?

 

[Sistinas74]

Do people actually read a thread before replying?


Hello - SHE is happy! HER interests are being met.

What next?
"My wife is vegetarian, but I want her to eat a steak."
"Make dinner all about herself, then she will happily explore the taste of meat with you!"

ARGGGHH... how stupid can people be?

Right, because you know so much about what women want with your dick & swinging balls? Sounds like someone hasn't gotten laid in a while~ HA! And you wont with a nasty attitude like that.

 

[JoseVerde]

Perhaps the most frustrating part for me, is that the girl I dated before my wife was really in tune with her sexuality. She loved to experiment, loved to watch porn with me and re-enact, loved to get frisky in public, and had zero sexual hangups. One time we watched another couple fuck in front of us, and we were so turned on that we ended up fucking in that other couple's front yard, as we couldnt even make it back to the car to drive back to her apt. We had our issues outside of the bedroom, and that's why that ultimately ended, but these are the kinds of things I'd really love to experience with my wife.

It's kind of like giving a kid an ice cream cone. Let him eat teh whole thing, make a total mess, grin from cheek to cheek, and then tell him "you will never have ice cream again, and if you want ice cream, i'm gonna make you feel shitty about it." ok, well, maybe that's extreme, but I think you all get what i'm saying.

You think that you can re experience mind blowing sex with your wife by having her watch porn with you? (sorry to say, but this sounds so juvenile to me)

It may have happened with your previous partner but your wife is just not into porn so it may be
best to forget this idea.

Many people have experienced profound sexual satisfaction without the use of pornography as an aid.

It appears she is no prude so the possibility is there for you to achieve a more fulfilling sexual
relationship with your wife.

Try being more creative in making a space for Eros.



Seems to me Primalex gave pretty good advice.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Yikes!!! Scary is all i can think of to be in your position....I would say, go with being very passive about it..I would ask HER to choose what you watch or what she wants to watch. Try to reach into what she wants and desires, if she sees you as being non-judgmental and open to whatever she is into it could most likely develop a great foundation for you two to explore! I would just focus in on only HER interests and what she likes. When she sees you being all about her she will want to reciprocate at some point and explore your ideas of sexuality in the areas of porn.

Trouble is, though, some people won't want to reciprocate or be able to. I do agree with you about trying to foster that genuine connection.

 

[PrinceM]

Just to clarify, I never made her "cave" into it. I've only been asking her very patiently and calmly, over the years if there's anything she would like to try or experience other than what we've been doing. I've suggested watching porn together, but never made it like a weekly "lets watch porn!" thing. I recently asked her if she had any thoughts again, and she said she'd be interested in watching a movie with me, so my initial post was to see if anyone knew of something that wouldn't scare her off and make her cringe. Obviously, it didnt really matter in the end. This is a girl that sees kissing on a regular TV show, and the moment she sees tongues touch, turns her head away.

I would never force her to do anything against her will, or pressure her to do anything she didnt want to do. I merely thought it would be fun to try some newer things together. For 6 years, i've asked her if she has fantasies, and her answer is always "no." Again, we have decent sex when we have it, and she's completely happy with our sex life, so I think it's really just about me figuring out why I feel a need to have anything more on top of that.

 

[desertslave]

If you're going to give porn another try, go with Red Shoe Diaries. It's extremely soft, would be a rated R these days. Heck, as bad as tv has gotten pushing the edge, it might even make tv these days. The first episode was great, and the series is from the point of view of Jake, played by the delicious david duchovny during the x-files days.

If she hasn't completely shut down a chance of trying again, I think this is a great suggestion. They're definitely very soft porn, but quite erotic, with a generous dose of 'left to the imagination.' I prefer that sort of story, instead of having everything shown to me in lurid detail. In chats I've had with friends, I think many women respond the same way. Wildly generalising here, men tend to be more visually stimulated, women tend to play it out in their own heads with words and/or music. I'm much more aroused by reading a good book than watching 99% of the porn out there.

I think the most important thing, though, is to get her to talk, especially (as someone else suggested) outside the bedroom and in a non-challenging way. Explain what turns you on and why. In addition, try to understand that she may truly be happy with where you are, and that there's nothing wrong with her level of contentment for her.

 

[EricsBabe]

Communication

I'm much more aroused by reading a good book than watching 99% of the porn out there.

I think the most important thing, though, is to get her to talk, especially (as someone else suggested) outside the bedroom and in a non-challenging way. Explain what turns you on and why. In addition, try to understand that she may truly be happy with where you are, and that there's nothing wrong with her level of contentment for her.

I totally agree with desertslave - great advice.

It sounds like your wife is reserved and therefore, embarassed by the porn. First step is to talk outside the bedroom, without placing blame. If you can't communicate with your clothes on, you can't communicate without them.
If she's happy with her sex life, that's great. You need to be honest (gently) with her and tell her that although you enjoy your sexlife, you desire more. Go at it gradually.
The majority of women are not visual creatures. Reading stories on Literotica is a good start. Then, graduate to easy reads like Blaze by Harlequin. They sparked something in me. You just need to find that spark in her.

But, maybe the spark is just not there. And, if that's the case, you need to do some thinking about your future. Life is just too short.

Good Luck!

 

[kurvy1]

Pirates

I have seen one on different websites that appeals to women, according to reviews, etc. I believe the name of it is The Pirates, or The Pirate MovIe, something like that. It is supposed to have decent acting and some plot. Good luck! Report back and let us know how it goes.

I haven't read through the responses to this post yet, but my vote is that she would not be into the above suggestion! I haven't watched this entire movie, but it is way too advanced for what his wife is looking for! Honestly, I feel he is better off starting with an erotic movie, and then slip in the softer porn. I would have to do a bit of searching for a specific suggestion because my tastes are a little more advanced, lol. I will keep reading posts here, (as good suggestions are most likely already given), and see if he received a good suggestion or two.

 

[Harte]

This is a really interesting thread, I imagine you can get past this. When a woman resists something so emphatically, it's often not the specifics she's finding "disgusting". It could be totally visual. Perhaps she's watching and wondering the entire time if you find the woman in the video more attractive, do you prefer the body in the video or simply worried that you wish she were that sexual (doing the things that scare her).

You may be FAR better off not resorting straight to videos/movies...

Many women love to be read to by their lover... and she's already given you a hint, in that she enjoyed reading the Shades of Grey series... perhaps you can find some erotic short stories or other good female-centric porn novels. Read them to her, or alternate between each of you reading a chapter to each other. Slowly move into playing with her as she reads, encourage her to do the same as you read... YOU First though! If that progresses, she may be far more open to exploring.