wife panics before reaching orgasm

[pa32]

Pa32, only do this if you want to :

A) cause significant emotional/mental damage to your wife
B) totally destroy any trust she may have in you
C) all of the above.

That's the way I see it too. There's no way right now that she'd submit to a D/s relationship, and if I forced it, that would make things a lot worse in a big hurry. Just asking for vanilla sex gets her feeling very pressured.

 

[silverwhisper]

coastal boy quoth:
OK, since i have this reputation for being an asshole...let me be one.

i'm a big fan of being true to oneself--but i haven't actually noticed this to be the case ever.

[shrug]

bailadora quoth:
but i sincerely hope that anyone with even a modicum of moral, ethical and common sense recognizes this suggestion for what it is: mental and psychological abuse.

um...duh?

pa32, in my first response, i asked 3 questions.

does your wife understand that:

1. she's sexually dysfunctional
2. this is a bad state of affairs
3. if she wants this to change, she has to take ownership of her part in effecting change?

you are certainly free not to respond, but i think having answers to those questions is kinda important, irrespective of whether you choose to share that information here or not.

ed

 

[bailadora]

That's the way I see it too. There's no way right now that she'd submit to a D/s relationship, and if I forced it, that would make things a lot worse in a big hurry. Just asking for vanilla sex gets her feeling very pressured.

PA32, you're in a tough situation, there's no doubt. I'm sorry I'm not able to offer much more other than what I've already suggested. I feel for you both.

um...duh?

Well, you'd think I wouldn't have to state the obvious, but given the tripe that's been spewed in several posts under the guise of "helpful advice", one begins to wonder.

Yeah, I know what you're gonna say: Consider the source.

 

[silverwhisper]

bailadora quoth:
given the tripe that's been spewed in several posts under the guise of "helpful advice", one begins to wonder.

you know, as of right now i'm launching a campaign to reclaim "tripe" as a word meaning something delicious. not that this relates to the quality of the content from the person in question, of course.

bailadora quoth:
yeah, i know what you're gonna say: consider the source.

o you mean the same source who explicitly ran away from an opportunity to disclaim and repudiate pedophilia, but didn't?

sex with underage children and bestiality may not be discussed on this thread: not because i want to be judgmental, but because it is illegal.

you mean that source?

ed

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

That's the way I see it too. There's no way right now that she'd submit to a D/s relationship, and if I forced it, that would make things a lot worse in a big hurry. Just asking for vanilla sex gets her feeling very pressured.

I agree, forcing the situation would make it worse, that's why any solution you seek has to be consensual.

I assumed, (hopefully not falsely), that you had discussed with your wife, your belief that “she” has a problem in the bed room? If you have not discussed this issue with your wife, it is quite possible that she believes that "you" are the problem.

Fair question: Is it possible that you are doing something, (or not doing something such as good hygiene), that she finds repugnant, and she is simply using anxiety as a way to get away from you? If you think this is not a possibility: there is another thread on this forum from a woman, asking what to do about male cum that stinks. According to her query, his cum stinks so bad that she has to get up and take a shower after they have sex. And apparently, he is oblivious to the fact that he stinks.

Neither this issue that you describe with your wife, nor any other issue in a relationship, can be resolved without the consent of your mate, and active involvement to find a solution. If she has not agreed there is a problem, and actively wants to find a solution, then you are wasting your time here, in therapy or anywhere else, because there is no solution. You cannot “fix” someone else’s emotional issue, without their consent and active involvement. The remedy for your dilemma is simple, if your wife wants to find a solution; if not, then it is impossible.

 

[silverwhisper]

nasty deeds quoth:
i agree, forcing the situation would make it worse, that's why any solution you seek has to be consensual.

if we're to believe you mean that, why did you specifically advocate the exact opposite?

ed

 

[coastal-boy]

That's the way I see it too. There's no way right now that she'd submit to a D/s relationship, and if I forced it, that would make things a lot worse in a big hurry. Just asking for vanilla sex gets her feeling very pressured.

I'm glad you see this. Doing what some people suggest will cause more damage than you can ever imagine. You deal with any panic attack the same way in all cases...with compassion, at their speed and level of recognition. There is an underlying reason for these attacks but she may not even be aware, recognize or understand it.

Also, understand that it is not out of the realm of things to talk with a person when they are "OK" and they will consent to things because they love you. But when the attack starts, it is like flipping a switch...this is not the same person who consented even 20 minutes earlier. You can see this change in their eyes (at least I can in my spouse)

 

[pa32]

i'm a big fan of being true to oneself--but i haven't actually noticed this to be the case ever.

[shrug]


um...duh?

pa32, in my first response, i asked 3 questions.

does your wife understand that:

1. she's sexually dysfunctional
2. this is a bad state of affairs
3. if she wants this to change, she has to take ownership of her part in effecting change?

you are certainly free not to respond, but i think having answers to those questions is kinda important, irrespective of whether you choose to share that information here or not.

ed

I somehow missed this. Let me answer:
1> I think so. She says she feels like she is broken. We talked about it again the other night and I asked her if she felt the fear of the panicky feeling get in the way of her feeling sexual desire. I was somewhat surprised when she replied yes it definitely does.
2. Yes, she understands that this is a major strain on our relationship
3. I don't think she believes it can be changed, that it just is the way it is. She's also got body image issues, as she is currently about 60 lbs overweight. She knows there what she has to do, but she hasn't found the self motivation to take ownership of it and make the changes she needs to lose the weight. I think it is too high a hurdle in her mind. In the case of the sex issues, she doesn't even understand it enough to know if it can be changed or not, much less how to go about it.

 

[pa32]

Also, understand that it is not out of the realm of things to talk with a person when they are "OK" and they will consent to things because they love you. But when the attack starts, it is like flipping a switch...this is not the same person who consented even 20 minutes earlier. You can see this change in their eyes (at least I can in my spouse)

Exactly. She's consented to trying to push further and hold off the panic, but once it gets triggered that consent is null and void, as it should be.

 

[silverwhisper]

pa32 quoth:
1. i think so. she says she feels like she is broken. we talked about it again the other night and i asked her if she felt the fear of the panicky feeling get in the way of her feeling sexual desire. i was somewhat surprised when she replied yes it definitely does.

2. yes, she understands that this is a major strain on our relationship

3. i don't think she believes it can be changed, that it just is the way it is. she's also got body image issues, as she is currently about 60 lbs overweight. she knows there what she has to do, but she hasn't found the self motivation to take ownership of it and make the changes she needs to lose the weight. i think it is too high a hurdle in her mind. in the case of the sex issues, she doesn't even understand it enough to know if it can be changed or not, much less how to go about it.

well, the answers to 1 and 2 are positives. i'm concerned re: the answer to 3 though. i was wondering if some element of her panic attacks are related to self image, and it appears that they appear associated to you as well.

i'm not sure how this idea will seem to you, but i'm beginning to wonder if couples counseling might help in identifying the underlying cause, or at least work towards a positive resolution.

ed

 

[satindesire]

I agree. Couple's counseling would probably work really well for her, considering the situation you two are in.

I think you should strongly consider bringing this up to her.

 

[mtwain4u]

When she panics during sex, don’t let her stop: force her to face her demons. (Assuming that you are stronger than she is) The intent behind M/s and D/s relationships is not to be therapeutic, but the principal is the same: to consensually push a woman past her limits, so that she is able to experience a new level of pleasure, of which she may have denied herself in the past.

I'm not big on bashing people and make a concerted effort not to do it, but this has got to be the most god-awful, irresponsible advice I've ever seen one person give another. How do you even go there?

Pa, your wife needs professional counseling, but even that is a waste of time and money until she admits and resolves that she wants to do whatever it takes to get over this problem. She can feel bad about it, say she wants to fix it, but until she commits to trying to fix it then it's all just lip service. I'm sorry to say that as I don't mean to sound harsh, but about the best you can do is confront your wife with this reality. If she chooses not to take the steps to fix it then it's not going to be fixed and you'll have to resign yourself to the relationships current state.

 

[satindesire]

I'm not big on bashing people and make a concerted effort not to do it, but this has got to be the most god-awful, irresponsible advice I've ever seen one person give another. How do you even go there?

Fear not dearheart, that person is perfectly used to seeing that by now.