Would you have an affair?

[Guest]

hmm I enjoy sex, I really do, but I agree with exvitermini... If there was infidelity in a relationship, I don't think the relationship could continue. In an earlier post, I posted that I would never accept an unfaithful wife, but I might be unfaithful myself. Well I would never go out looking to be unfaithful, and the situation has never risen, so I don't know how I would react... I just don't know how I would react, and I reason I would not be able to resist a beautiful naked woman.. maybe I can when the time comes...

I am sure I understand that after that momment, if I did subcumb, the relationship would be over... Even if she did decide to stick with me, it would never be the same... It is only in my arrogance that I even expect her to forgive me..

It is perhaps in my arrogance again that I expect her to remain faithful, and that the mere thought of another man touching her. Her allowing another man to make love/fuck her would be the ultimate attack on my egotism I guess, that I was unable to satisfy her or whatnot. This is a dryer way of saying that she loves me less because she has shared herself with another man.

Love is not the same thing as sex you say? It isn't... and it is...the duailty of the mind and body has been a problem for great thinkers throughout time. However they are apart, they are nonetheless connected... If she has given me her mind and shares her body with others, then I don't completely have her now do I... I am nto saying it is a matter of possession, because it isn't, but I couldnt' think of a better way to word it... At any rate, if you love(like) something, you want it completely do you not? You don't just want a part of it, and someone else also using it would make it less complete. When entering into a marriage, one agrees to give mind, body, and soul... invariably seperate parts but part of a whole, the sum being much greater then it's parts...

This reasoning is why I will never understand swingers, and my views on fideility. I think you *can* love more then one person, but it is *better* to love just one. Even if admitting that your capacity for love is unlimited, if you love one additional person, that capicity is diminish in proportion to the love you feel for that other person. You might never be out of love, and you migth be satisfy with teh amount of love you have given. But you have never given ALL you love, which presumably, would make you and the other person the happiest. You could give all your lovers infinitesimal love out of your "love pool," but that is still less then what you could give if it was just one person you love, and you give the whole pool, which includes all the infitisimal love you previously gave to many. Mathmetically of course, you cant' compare infinites... but I hope you see my point.

Because I love sex, I can understand the hardship of going without it, if you are with the ability to get it, but due to unwilling love ones or what not, you aren't... This isn't still reasonning for cheating through, because you seem to agree that love and sex are not the same thing. Well, I am sure most everyone will agree that Love is the greater of the 2. Ok so, you love your spouse or whatever, but she isn't giving you sex, but you love her, and she loves you, but theres no sex. You're lacking the lesser of the two. An easy solution would be to go behidn her back adn just cheat on her. YOu just had sex, you still love her the same right, love and sex are not the same thing? You can't really say that. Based upon earlier logic, you have just given your body to another, therefore what you have agree to give her has diminish. Also, you haven't respected her like you ought to, by going behind her back, how can you love what you do not respect. I use the term respect vey broadly.

Anyways I am rambling now, have more to say, want some response I guess..

 

[exvitermini]

Unregistered, I understand your ramblings. And they've somewhat helped restore my faith in humanity's ability to love the way I seem to percieve that they should.

It could easily be a philosophical debate - but philosophies get quickly thrown out the window when these potential scenarios become your real life. And I suppose that is part of why I am finding it impossible to find any way to accept infidelity as a sensible, rational or viable solution to any problem.

I know how it feels to be rejected and undesireable. I know how it feels for your spouse to turn you down for sex. In my case it was because my spouse had found more enjoyable pleasure elsewhere. In Psyche's case, her husband has lost his sex drive as a result of medications he needs to take. In either scenario, there is a sense of undesireability. And one way for you to overcome that is to find men that find you desireable, and give yourself to them. That doesn't seem to be difficult to do, as it seems that Psyche is probably not only a very attractive woman, but also very intelligent.

Sirhugs, I don't even know how to address you, or any other couple that has somehow conjured a way to "accept" infidelity as a fruitful component of their relationship. All I can say is that you are the vast minority and also that my confidence in your formula for success is rather low. I wish you all the best with it, though, and sincerely hope that it works out for both of you in the long term.

 

[psyche]

the best

Unregistered, I understand your ramblings. And they've somewhat helped restore my faith in humanity's ability to love the way I seem to percieve that they should.

exvitermini,
I wish you only the best, and I hope that someday you will find a woman who loves you exclusively, you deserve that and I am sure that one day you will find her. I really wish that I could reach out and hold you to help to ease your pain.

 

[exvitermini]

Re: the best

exvitermini,
I wish you only the best, and I hope that someday you will find a woman who loves you exclusively, you deserve that and I am sure that one day you will find her. I really wish that I could reach out and hold you to help to ease your pain.

Thank you, Psyche. I really do appreciate it. Please understand that I don't look down at you or that I'm trying to pass judgement on your for what you're doing.

I believe I have found the woman that loves me exclusively. I know and acknowledge that I did things that contributed to the reason my wife cheated on me, and we are finally able to open up to each other enough to find out for the first time just why we grew apart so quickly. I sincerely believe you can find the same lines of communication with your husband. The same way I realize that I neglected my wife, he can realize that he is doing the same to you. I understand his embarassment with ED, and it is even more difficult for your husband since his ED is induced by medication and not a natural condition as is mine.

I know and understand that you've found something amazing with your lover. I had to aknowledge that fact with my wife as well. It's not something that is easy to let go. And perhaps in the end, if you and your husband were not meant to be, then you and your lover will never need to let go of what you have. Not all stories have sad endings. I hope and believe mine to be one of those exceptions.

 

[psyche]

Re: the best

Thank you, Psyche. I really do appreciate it. Please understand that I don't look down at you or that I'm trying to pass judgement on your for what you're doing.

I believe I have found the woman that loves me exclusively. I know and acknowledge that I did things that contributed to the reason my wife cheated on me, and we are finally able to open up to each other enough to find out for the first time just why we grew apart so quickly. I sincerely believe you can find the same lines of communication with your husband. The same way I realize that I neglected my wife, he can realize that he is doing the same to you. I understand his embarassment with ED, and it is even more difficult for your husband since his ED is induced by medication and not a natural condition as is mine.

I know and understand that you've found something amazing with your lover. I had to aknowledge that fact with my wife as well. It's not something that is easy to let go. And perhaps in the end, if you and your husband were not meant to be, then you and your lover will never need to let go of what you have. Not all stories have sad endings. I hope and believe mine to be one of those exceptions.

Thank you for your response exvitermini. I don't know what my outcome will be, but I am truly happy for you and the woman who you have found. She is lucky.

 

[Roy Kay]

That's exactly why you've "structured a relationship" such that fidelity is not an issue - because you do not have a concept of putting all your love and trust in one person. Perhaps you are incapable of trusting and loving someone that much - I am not being presumptuous, only stating a possible explanation for your disassociation with the concept of betrayal and infidelity.

It's not about ownership, ego, possession, or any other unrelated concept to a commited, monagamous relationship. If you feel that way - then I won't even bother explaining just why I want my wife to lean on me, as her husband, for everything she needs and not rely on other men to fulfill those needs in my stead.

The thing is that few put all their love and trust in one person. We love and trust (usually) our parents, kids, and friends. If I err, it is usually on the side of trust and, yes, sometime I may be a bit TOO promiscuous about it.

I certainly treasure the love and confidence my wife gives me, and sincerely hope to measure up to it. But really, if a kind word or deed from a friend or family member would be of aid to her, why would I want to deprive her of that? For me, hastening the graces of life to her matters far more than that they pass through my hands.

I reckon myself of great value, and am pleased that she does too. But I would never want to restrict her prosperity to only that which I can provide. I love her far too much for that.

 

[funwdi]

Am I silly for saying if something isn't working, don't pursue it any more?
If a marriage or relationship is not working, end it, rather than move the relationship into worse territory by having an affair. Then you have a bad relationship with lack of trust and dishonesty. Too much!

 

[hongluobo]

I love my wife dearly as we are the best of friends for over 22 years. I really don't feel that I would be jealous at all if she were to have an affair or fling with another man....I really believe that my reaction would be more congratulatory...is that weird? I actually would love to see another man fuck my wife (another fantasy), but just don't know how to bring up the idea of "swinging" or whatever.

Our sex life is definitely not what it used to be (I'm bored with it really). I am sure that she is sometimes frustrated by my lack of interest, although she rarely takes the initiative (funnily enough, my Lit addiction has aided our sex life over the past month and I know there is a lot I could do to remedy the boredom part).

Yes, I have had occasionally had sex outside my marriage over the years and it hasn't seemed to hurt our relationship and no I haven't told her because I know it would cause pain to someone I love.

I would never want to give up our companionship, our life, our kids, our home etc. I just love to have variety every once in a while - new experiences, new territory to explore so to speak and yes with younger more sexually attractive women.

There are some on this board who say that given the above, we should split up, but that is something I know neither of us would ever want to happen. So, I am I some horrible person because I have flirted and gone further in the past??? of because I have engaged professionals while on business trips? I don't think so.

 

[exvitermini]

You're not a horrible person, hong. And if your swinging lifestyle works out for you, then I am definitely happy for the both of you. There are plenty of swingers on this site, so I might be in the minority here - but I just don't share the woman I love. I am not selfish and controlling, though. I give her almost too much freedom. She can choose to work or not, my salary pays the bills. She can have any friends she wants, I seldom refuse her anything, as long as I am able to give it to her. All I ask is that I be her man. Her only man.

 

[DevilBoy79]

i would never do this to my S.O, the farthest i go is joke with friends(even that can be taken wrong and be hurtfull, so i dont no more) and maybe once in a blue moon get a hugg is all i want from another female, my lady is all i need

 

[Roy Kay]

.........I just don't share the woman I love. I am not selfish and controlling, though. I give her almost too much freedom. She can choose to work or not, my salary pays the bills. She can have any friends she wants, I seldom refuse her anything, as long as I am able to give it to her. All I ask is that I be her man. Her only man.

And herein is a problem. Freedom is not something that is yours to give. It is hers to own forever. She may defer to you, but she is not YOURS.

The very idea that you are giving her freedom show that possessing her IS yoru goal.

Quite frankly, a truly independent woman like Psyche is what I would always desire. Partnering as peers - not with one subordinate to the other.

 

[Guest]

I think cheating is a horrible thing to do. It is one thing if it is mutual (that would not be cheating, maybe swinging) but if you are doing it behind your spouces back, how can you say you love him/her? When (if) caught you will break their heart more then you can possibly imagine!!!! All for what? the occasional 5 minute - 1 hour + romp in the sack? This is not me judging morality, this is simply a thought, that if you love someone, how can you risk breaking them? I have witnessed someone commit suicide simply because their wife was unfaithful. I don't think it had anything to do with feeling inadequate or anything like that. I think it was more the thought that he loved her so much and when he found she was doing this, all he saw was what he was losing! His whole life!!!! The house they owned, bought together, the car they owned bought together, the clothes he wore, picked out together, the kids they have.......................

If you are or want to have an affair, don't you think it is fair to give the person your thoughts and possible concede the marriage. Affairs are plain selfish! Don't believe me? Look at this statement:

"I have affairs because my spouse doesn't give **ME**....."

Just my thoughts

Molcan

 

[exvitermini]

Roy Kay, you are completely missing the point. Either that or you have a completely different view on what marriage vows are all about. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, but not particularly submit your desires, passions and dreams to the marriage, then don't get married. Just spend the rest of your life with them and leave it at that.

But to me, and most of the people I know, when you get married, both[/b] partners willingly give themselves to their spouse. It is not about ownership, possession, or any of the other selfish motives you have stated. As a single man, I had aspirations and desires to do many things - including nailing every beautiful woman I was attracted to. That's just part of what you give up when you enter a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship like marriage. Both my wife and I gladly sacrifice some of our own desires in order to please each other. You don't even look at it as a sacrifice when you love someone. Sure, I would love for her to work and bring home some more money so we could live more comfortably. And you're partially correct that I couldn't and wouldn't force her to work in any case. It is her decision. But it is also my decision to "allow" her to do so, by not nagging her, or critisizing her, or making her feel uncomfortable with her decision not to work.

The bottom line is that I love her, and her ultimate happiness is my goal. And if that means making some of my own sacrifices, then I am glad to do it.

You go on and find your independent woman that will run around and do her own thing without a care for your wishes. Let me know how long you find yourselves committed to each other.

 

[dreamer]

Never have, never will. If I was in a position that I was that unhappy with who I was with at the time the relationship would have ended ages before. I cannot imagine getting into a position where cheating would be an option.

I look forward to marriage with someone who feels the same way.

 

[dancinman]

Just from reading the varied opinions here, it is clear there are probably hundreds more opinions out there. As for me, I have been married for 31 years to a wonderful woman. At the 20 year mark, we both discovered through communicating feelings, that each of us wanted some new spice in our lives. We have been in the alternative lifestyle ever since and it has not only given us variety but has strengthened our own relationship. Its not for everyone but it was for us.

 

[exvitermini]

Now that is a healthy perspective on the opposing view, dancinman. Even though we differ in opinion, at least you didn't pass judgement on anyone else's views and simply stated your own. I congratulate you and your wife on the spice you've found and enjoy. But like the unregistered user just said, it's not cheating if you're not doing it behind their backs. You guys aren't having an affair, it's totally different.

 

[thirstquencher]

I was in a dreadful marriage for seven years and there was no talking no sex and seperate beds after four years ..I had the chance to cheat many times and will admit the thought of it was thrilling but in the end I never did cheat on her basicly out of respect to her and my children..I have ben cheated on and I would hate to cause that feeling to someone else it is a terrible feeling when they say they love you and then walk out the door into someone elses bad...

Knightstalker, you are absolutely correct. I was married for twenty-three years when I found out she had been cheating on me. It pretty much ruins your self esteem. I walked out on her and never did cheat, she was the one. I have a wonderful woman now and I would NEVER think of betraying her trust.