Katyusha
Kitten at Heart
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2006
- Posts
- 4,782
Hey sweetie,
You know me, or maybe you don't. Things were tough at that age, I know. You felt your father didn't give a shit about you, in fact, you find out in another year or so that living alone isn't any different from living at home. You had an older sister who was never around, and a younger who was into all sorts of shit that you could not, for the life of you, get along with no matter how hard you tried. Nobody in school, not your teachers, nor your advisers, ever seemed to want to help you out. The only way you felt you got any real attention was when you were in front of an audience. And you clung so hard to your friends and relied so heavily on them to solve your problems that you started pushing them away.
I know you didn't have it together even though you presented the image of being "with it." Part of that manifests itself in your grades; you just don't care, you have no reason to. Part of that manifests itself in your dependence on the band, the orchestra, and the church; you need to "belong" somewhere. Part of that is your clinging to your friends; you think that you'll collapse without them there to listen to your every single daily problem. And part of that manifests itself in those ridiculously long drives you take; you need a place to go to think, and your car's the only one you can think of.
You love to be seen, you love to perform, you love knowing people are watching you. Between 17 and 31, that never changes, in fact, in a few years that brings you quite a bit of pain. For fourteen years now I've wondered whether that came from a need for attention you weren't getting from anybody at home, least of all, your father, who should have paid more attention to you. You already knew at that age that Mom literally didn't have that capability and that knowledge never changes, but you wonder now why Dad can't be there when you need him.
You're angry with Dad because you need a parent, a guide, an adult to learn from, but right now you can't see it because that neglect also gives you a certain independence that your sisters don't have. You're also angry with him because he seems irresponsible...he's unable to support us the way that he should. You don't need to be angry with him for any of this. When Mom disappeared into the depths of her schizophrenia Dad was left with the three of us to raise and he had no idea of how to be a single parent, let alone a single father to three adolescent girls. We have problems he could never dream of, simply because he's not female. He muddles through as best he can, but you need to say something to him because he's not a mind reader. He won't know there's something wrong if you don't tell him, so you need to tell him you need him to be there for you too. Your dependencies and escapes might not be drugs and alcohol and crime and abusive boyfriends, but they're still dependencies, dependencies that you might not have to hang onto so tightly and then find yourself devastated when they're gone later in life.
But you also need to listen and understand, and remember that he's having a rough time of it too. Your older sister is getting married in a few months, at the ripe old age of eighteen, to an immature, irresponsible ass who hits her, and that's weighing heavily on him. Your younger sister is a drug and alcohol addict, has been in and out of rehab, is a high-school dropout, and most of his energy goes toward trying to pull her out of that. So when he tries to explain to you what's really going on with your family, listen. Don't get mad and shut him out. That won't get you anywhere. That never gets you anywhere with anybody.
I also want you to know, now, that the church is not you. You already feel it, but you push it away because all your best friends are Christians and members of that particular church and you don't want to alienate them by leaving. But deep inside, you do know you don't believe a word of what the church teaches. You know you're trying to be somebody you're not. Realize that now, and start looking for who you *really* are. And find the friends who will accept you for that, and not for who they would have you be. Don't be afraid to tell people who want you to be something else that they're asking the impossible of you, that if they can't accept you for who you are then they're no friends of yours.
One more thing: learn to break down your problems in your head so that they're in manageable pieces that you can handle. Right now, every minor thing that happens to you is blown up into a the worst crisis imaginable, and your friends are getting tired of it. Really, really, REALLY tired of it. They can't be your emotional rocks one hundred percent of the time and they start to drift away from you because you wear them out. Friends are wonderful to have when you do have problems that require the care and support of others. They will be there for you when you need them, but only if you stop wearing them down with the most insignificant of issues. That, too, gets you a lot of pain, in fact, you find yourself with a broken heart in the not-too-distant future because of that. You need to stand on your own two feet, sweetie. You have the strength in you, you're just scared to death of tapping it.
You are a smart girl. Use that. Use it now. Use it to find out who you are and what you want out of life. Use it to make your family understand that you're still there. Use it to wean yourself from your dependence on performing, and your dependence on others to solve your issues. You'll be much happier much sooner.
Love,
Me
You know me, or maybe you don't. Things were tough at that age, I know. You felt your father didn't give a shit about you, in fact, you find out in another year or so that living alone isn't any different from living at home. You had an older sister who was never around, and a younger who was into all sorts of shit that you could not, for the life of you, get along with no matter how hard you tried. Nobody in school, not your teachers, nor your advisers, ever seemed to want to help you out. The only way you felt you got any real attention was when you were in front of an audience. And you clung so hard to your friends and relied so heavily on them to solve your problems that you started pushing them away.
I know you didn't have it together even though you presented the image of being "with it." Part of that manifests itself in your grades; you just don't care, you have no reason to. Part of that manifests itself in your dependence on the band, the orchestra, and the church; you need to "belong" somewhere. Part of that is your clinging to your friends; you think that you'll collapse without them there to listen to your every single daily problem. And part of that manifests itself in those ridiculously long drives you take; you need a place to go to think, and your car's the only one you can think of.
You love to be seen, you love to perform, you love knowing people are watching you. Between 17 and 31, that never changes, in fact, in a few years that brings you quite a bit of pain. For fourteen years now I've wondered whether that came from a need for attention you weren't getting from anybody at home, least of all, your father, who should have paid more attention to you. You already knew at that age that Mom literally didn't have that capability and that knowledge never changes, but you wonder now why Dad can't be there when you need him.
You're angry with Dad because you need a parent, a guide, an adult to learn from, but right now you can't see it because that neglect also gives you a certain independence that your sisters don't have. You're also angry with him because he seems irresponsible...he's unable to support us the way that he should. You don't need to be angry with him for any of this. When Mom disappeared into the depths of her schizophrenia Dad was left with the three of us to raise and he had no idea of how to be a single parent, let alone a single father to three adolescent girls. We have problems he could never dream of, simply because he's not female. He muddles through as best he can, but you need to say something to him because he's not a mind reader. He won't know there's something wrong if you don't tell him, so you need to tell him you need him to be there for you too. Your dependencies and escapes might not be drugs and alcohol and crime and abusive boyfriends, but they're still dependencies, dependencies that you might not have to hang onto so tightly and then find yourself devastated when they're gone later in life.
But you also need to listen and understand, and remember that he's having a rough time of it too. Your older sister is getting married in a few months, at the ripe old age of eighteen, to an immature, irresponsible ass who hits her, and that's weighing heavily on him. Your younger sister is a drug and alcohol addict, has been in and out of rehab, is a high-school dropout, and most of his energy goes toward trying to pull her out of that. So when he tries to explain to you what's really going on with your family, listen. Don't get mad and shut him out. That won't get you anywhere. That never gets you anywhere with anybody.
I also want you to know, now, that the church is not you. You already feel it, but you push it away because all your best friends are Christians and members of that particular church and you don't want to alienate them by leaving. But deep inside, you do know you don't believe a word of what the church teaches. You know you're trying to be somebody you're not. Realize that now, and start looking for who you *really* are. And find the friends who will accept you for that, and not for who they would have you be. Don't be afraid to tell people who want you to be something else that they're asking the impossible of you, that if they can't accept you for who you are then they're no friends of yours.
One more thing: learn to break down your problems in your head so that they're in manageable pieces that you can handle. Right now, every minor thing that happens to you is blown up into a the worst crisis imaginable, and your friends are getting tired of it. Really, really, REALLY tired of it. They can't be your emotional rocks one hundred percent of the time and they start to drift away from you because you wear them out. Friends are wonderful to have when you do have problems that require the care and support of others. They will be there for you when you need them, but only if you stop wearing them down with the most insignificant of issues. That, too, gets you a lot of pain, in fact, you find yourself with a broken heart in the not-too-distant future because of that. You need to stand on your own two feet, sweetie. You have the strength in you, you're just scared to death of tapping it.
You are a smart girl. Use that. Use it now. Use it to find out who you are and what you want out of life. Use it to make your family understand that you're still there. Use it to wean yourself from your dependence on performing, and your dependence on others to solve your issues. You'll be much happier much sooner.
Love,
Me
