WTF happened to the woman I married?

[Jagged]

Time to talk regardless of the reason this is all happening...

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

being

Being a lazy ass, I've not read through each post but would add to anyone who suggested depression which could be brought on by being "left out". It is conceivable that you were safe as fat companion but a threat to her self-image as fit. Probably not anything you can fix but be sympathetic, understanding, romantic to the extent you can, suggest talk and more talk about emotions and feelings.
Good luck.
N

 

[MissHolly]

So MissHolly is really close on my account. I talked with my wife last night and she indeed cheated on me. No sex, but she did fall for some other guy and announced it to him. I was hoping it was a sex thing because maybe it could be parlayed into a swinger group, but it's more of a relationship thing.

I'm sorry it was bad news. What are your plans now?

 

[hornyhubby508]

I'm sorry it was bad news. What are your plans now?

Not sure. I'm still trying to process everything.

 

[Somehowyou]

If she hid one thing from you, she will hide another. No sex? She is lying to you.
Sorry, man, I hate to be so blunt, but somebody has to say it.

Yes I agree. she is lying to you. I would bet my paycheck that she is fucking on you. But since you are a swinger this is really should not be such a shock. if she is like my ex she will also use your past swinging against you saying that you don't really love her if you were willing to share her while swinging blah, blah blah......bullshit.

Good luck friend. Every dog has his day. You will bounce back from this.

 

[subwannabe]

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where in the beginning if you had asked for advice several of us would have said, "be careful what you wish for". It's easier for a guy to fuck someone without getting feelings involved but women are kind of hard wired to have feelings while fucking someone. This doesn't mean your relationship is over but I believe if there is any chance for it to work again then you are both going to have to accept life without swinging. Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

Not sure. I'm still trying to process everything.

That's a good plan.

This is what I've heard from many who have been cheated on and the like:

It's important to be practical and protect yourself after something like this. For instance, make sure your partner doesn't run up debt that will affect your credit for many years, clean out your bank accounts, etc. - it might be wise to consult with an attorney or someone else who knows these situations to see which reasonable actions you should be taking to protect yourself against financial ruin, any potential custody battle, etc., just in case you don't reconcile.

However, it's generally unwise to do anything major--like file for divorce or confront your wife's lover--for at least 8 weeks after you've discovered the affair. Two months is usually the minimum amount of time we need to process major relationship events, like being cheated on or other huge breaches of trust. That's not always the case, but it's a good general guideline that you might find useful. Six months and a year are other major milestones in terms of grieving, forgiving and moving on.

 

[Que]

These non-sexual friends of hers are called alibis...she is a year or two older than my wife was when she hit her midlife crisis...

It doesnt start as a sexual affair it starts as " I need to reconnect with my younger self and go out and party like a teenager with my girlfriends "

are you really so naive to assume that YOUR wife is so into you that she is NEVER going to accept the flattery and attention that comes along with being out with your girlfriends partying?

I was that naive.

There are already guys that have taken notice of her at her favorite watering holes...believe me.

The advice (i didnt take it) I was given in your shoes, was to tell her, hey thats fine you want to go out and party like a teenager thats great have a good time, only dont come home here...go home to your moms...let me know when you want to resume a grown-up relationship.

The other option is start squirelling away the money for the divorce lawyer...good ones (in my area) run around $3500

 

[Sir Victor]

No... no JW's in our midst.

I thought our marriage was strong, but now, I'm not so sure.

She has pretty much cut me off completely from any type of female companionship. Occasionally I see glimpses of my wife's formal self. We went to dinner and dancing a few weeks ago, and she was very sexual and flirty with me, and also a few other ladies on the dance floor... we came home and fucked like bunnies! That was 3 weeks ago. She hasn't wanted to have anything to do with me since.

Going from 5-6 times a week to once a month is TOUGH!

It seems that dressing up and going out probably made her feel sexy. Try to suggest dressing up and going out more just to keep the connection going.
No one wants to be "fixed" so I suggest that you go to a top notch psychologist/counselor and if they are any good, they will make the suggestions for treatment so that you can be the good guy with them just offering the professional opinion. Any decent counselor will see you as not having changed and her as being depressed or whatever for whatever reason. Would she be open to it?

Also, obviously she could have fallen for someone else and I think it is something worth quietly looking into. Her excluding you from the group is very suspicious but on the other hand she would be taking better care of herself if she was interested in someone new.

Divorce without children is a matter of division of property and if either of you was careful to put property or funds solely in one name that is recognized and upheld in most courts. Joint property/funds are split 50/50 unless there are unusual circumstances.

 

[monkeyman057]

These non-sexual friends of hers are called alibis...she is a year or two older than my wife was when she hit her midlife crisis...

It doesnt start as a sexual affair it starts as " I need to reconnect with my younger self and go out and party like a teenager with my girlfriends "

are you really so naive to assume that YOUR wife is so into you that she is NEVER going to accept the flattery and attention that comes along with being out with your girlfriends partying?

I was that naive.

There are already guys that have taken notice of her at her favorite watering holes...believe me.

The advice (i didnt take it) I was given in your shoes, was to tell her, hey thats fine you want to go out and party like a teenager thats great have a good time, only dont come home here...go home to your moms...let me know when you want to resume a grown-up relationship.

The other option is start squirelling away the money for the divorce lawyer...good ones (in my area) run around $3500

This. 100 times This.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I've been through it. For my ex wife it was, "I don't know who I am anymore... I need some space." She always said she was hanging out with her sister in law who conviniently didn't have a phone. Being the 'caring and understanding' guy that I am, I let her have all the space she said she needed. All the while she was already wrapped up with some other guy.

 

[jenni7]

Im sorry your going through this, It sounds like your moving in the right direction with communicating with her. Being in an open relationship and having the opportunity to have a lot of uninhibited sexual experiences with others as well as your husband has probably forced you two into communicating better over the years. Its sad that she chose to ignore your boundaries and create a bond with someone other than you. Have you spoken about how she feels about this, whether she wants to continue the marriage and more importantly whether you want to? Are you both communicating more now that she has come clean? I hope things work out in the best way for you and Im sorry you were hurt in her selfishness.

 

[Abitov]

Dude, you've gotten some pretty insightful feedback here, so I don't know if this will add much, but. . .

From what you convey, my instinct leans to the idea that you have damaged the trust she had in you. I have no idea how, maybe you have been caught in a lie that you thought you had gotten away with, who knows. But her withdrawal seems consistent with the "you hurt me, now I'm gonna' make you sweat it out" routine. If that is right, then maybe she doesn't yet know how she wants to address the thing in the end.

And my second idea was that the 'letting herself go' thing has made her self-conscious about her body, not feeling attractive, less confident--that sort of thing. Just guessing here, and best of luck to you. I'm 49, and old enough to know how valuable a good mate is to one's life and soul--and I also know that there is not necessarilly another one around the next corner--that kind of compatability doesn't come around that often.

Good Luck to you both,

Abitov

 

[Fit_guy2011]

Her excluding you from the group is very suspicious but on the other hand she would be taking better care of herself if she was interested in someone new.

Honestly... this is why I don't think she is being sexual with someone else. She's very self conscious these days, but refuses to take it upon herself to DO something about it.