Yowser Yelps

[yowser]

@pink_silk_glove

Boneyard

Boneyard is an ambitious and extended tale of erotic horror, with a complex plot and vivid characters. It's a good story, almost a great story.

This was not an easy work to critique, as it is multi-layered, complicated, both subtle and brutal, with a lot of moving parts, all in general handled unusually well. It pulls the reader in different directions, lots of questions emerge, and we get them answered fairly well, with a few exceptions. The goth and 1980’s London club scene feel is conveyed in exquisite detail - sweet.

The scene is set immediately and in engaging detail. We know, or at least get a good idea, fairly quickly, who this couple is, what kinds of things they like, and how they express themselves, a sound beginning.

Goth themes predominate, clothing, behavior, cemetery sex, an engrossing mosaic with a flavor well captured.

As I mentioned in the comment on this tale, my main complaint is that the story would be far improved if pared down, maybe a lot. I think some of the descriptions, while immersive and scene-setting, could be condensed and thus rendered more effectively.

The mood established, goth girl and the various horror aspects, are exceedingly vibrant. I get flavors, lingo, urges, the desire to hover at the edge of normality, in a danger zone of transgression. Descriptions are spot on. (In my comment, I mentioned some aggravation at the extended make-up sessions - also pleading guyhood – but upon reflection I think they are warranted and serve the story well. I still maintain they could have been pared back, with equal if not greater effect in moving things along.)

The sex is highly engaging, the various violent (and threats of violence) are handled well. With the exception of too many vocalizations during sex (oohs, and ahhs) I appreciated at how you held back ever so slightly during the erotic events, resisting the impulse to go overboard. Maybe try describing the noises differently? At least vary how you present them.

A second read through makes me minimize some of my initial complaints, but I will include some just because most readers will only read through once (and as authors we are usually both pleased and lucky to get that much) and my first reactions still may be valuable to you as the author.

I also confess it was only on the second read that I realised this was both for a specific challenge, Tainted Love, and one that involved a particular set of music. My initial reaction about ‘too many lyrics’ thus is considerably weakened, and surely was both deliberate on your part and consciously delivered to your expected readers. I still think you could have done more with less, but that is your authorial choice. (On first pass the lyrics were inconsistently rendered in italic - sometimes yes, sometimes no - but appear to be fixed on the last read, another example of software volatility site-side.)

Also, since personally I am so estranged and isolated (deliberately) from popular culture, I lack both the right and ability to critique music-allusions here, only to remark on such references to the story. Looking at the challenge theme, it appears you have done that effectively, and surely readership should be pleased with their 80’s feast.

Scene breaks are usually handled well, with a few that could be cleaned up. (The first shift from the cemetery to the ‘pitcher of beer’ being poured is one example, more abrupt than it needs to be, or at least the scene change flagged more deliberately.) Pacing is good overall, never too long in any one scene.

I don’t tend to mention scores, but this is another example of a story’s score correlating only tangentially to quality. Numbers here really ought to be more favorable all around, but you’re in a position to understand that.

Once there are more than a couple characters, they need to be kept well delineated. My first read had me thinking a little too hard who the different personalities were, keeping them separated in my head. On second read, you clearly do this fine, more a commentary on a less than close reading. They do exhibit different diction when speaking, vivid clothing and appearance descriptions. Please keep this up in future, maybe sharpen even more the distinctions.

Which brings us to the inevitable discussion about Readers, who are they, and what should the author’s understanding of their wants and needs be? On one level you want to make the process as effortless to traipse along as possible, and good mechanics here make that part easy. On another level you want your readers to be asking questions. Who are these folks? What do they want? What’s going to happen next? All upper-level concerns. In general questions here are addressed suitably, and not all reader questions need to be answered. All I’ll say here is that at some stage of writing, an author should be very conscious about how their words/descriptions/action may be understood. I think you do a decent job of this here, but a little more attention, especially in the final section, would have improved the work.

 

[yowser]

I haven’t read any of your other works, but the evidences suggests that you are a writer who demands a lot from the reader. Unlike the mechanics-business of smooth paths, etc. mentioned above, you seem to like to challenge the reader on a higher level – the writing clear and easy at the ground level, but more complicated upstairs. And readers should think. They should think hard since that experience can be fun, and instructive. All this is good and worthy and a quality of some of the best writing I know, but the responsibility then rests on the writer’s delivery of a reward for those demands. This story comes real close to a solid delivery.

What the AH crowd describe as info-dumps are non-existent in this tale; character and plot details are revealed in a drip-feed as necessary. Thanks for this. Subtlety is underrated.

I found the authorial focus, which was laser-sharp in the first half, got a little fuzzier in the second. I cannot quite pinpoint the shift, how and when it happens. (Maybe just that the erotic elements assume a different vector?) The various bits of violence and fear are generally well handled and not overdrawn, although some of the later sentences/descriptions fall way flat: ‘The van ride was terribly uncomfortable.’ (Oh, c’mon, it was far worse than that.) ‘These men had no empathy nor conscience whatsoever.’ Oh? Two paragraphs later we read they exhibit a ‘complete absence of care.’

You do the ‘show not tell’ business effectively but with a couple irksome tics. More than one paragraph takes us through the ‘show’ part fine, but then you ‘tell’ us at the end anyway. This was particularly true in a number of the paragraphs in the various cemeteries, where it is clear that psychotropic effects are clearly affecting Amber and Tom, but you end up saying the obvious anyway: “the drugs were working.” Other examples include phrases such as ‘They were about to begin.’

This pattern is particularly evident towards the end. I was unhappy with the last sentence. You need that last sentence badly, it’s required to stick the landing, but it lands with a hitch. It’s too obvious, you need something to hit that last chord with a wallop.

Some sentence sequences in paragraphs would benefit from attention. To nit-pick on one paragraph:

It was her newest dress and Amber was ready to step it out. It was black of course, and the neckline was a plunging V trimmed with lace. Below the bust, down to the waist was burgundy, covered in a layer of more black lace. The sleeves were long with trumpet cuffs. The whole thing trailed down to her ankles with two long leg slits. She wore her patent leather strap heels - the same ones that she had worn to the cemetery - and put the opal raven pendant that Tom had given her around her neck. Hanging from its silver chain, it rested on her chest just above the swell of her cleavage. Then she put her earrings in, long ornate silver crosses swaying from the end of chains. Amber unpinned her har, let it down and shook it out. She was ready.

The first four sentences have ‘was’ or ‘were’ as verbs. At least you livened things up in the second half of the paragraph, which flow much better (and it’s not a bad passage, after all, just would do with more verb variety.) Final sentence, see above.

Two things keep this story from greatness. As mentioned earlier it could be pared down and made tighter and leaner, without diminishing impact. Also the character Tom needs some work.

I realise the attention to the challenge changes things for you as the writer, knowing your audience infinitely better than I, but I think in general terms the club/music flavor could have been handled more economically. The gravy doesn’t need to be ladled everywhere.

That said, you know this and you have the entire benefit of the doubt in authorial intention. I give you credit for portraying a vibrant London club scene involving all the senses: sound, touch, smell, sight. But many scenes would benefit from economy. Careful incision is a remarkable tool in the author’s work-belt.

So, Tom. Tom, Tom, what happened? Yes we get it. The handsome bad boy. Good looks, erotic charge, a bit of a wastrel but appealing nonetheless. Druggie-wuggie behavior is too simple an explanation without some further info. The story arc would be intensified if we had even a couple more details about him and his motivations. Possibles include reference to how he and Amber first met (first coupled, first chat, first something), his uneasy relationship to employment, a hint at background, and how he ended up in the arena presented. As a couple Amber and Tom’s erotic charge is unmistakable and you handle that deftly, but I crave just another tidbit or two about what happened to allow Tom’s changing role in the story.

Overall, a solid tale, written with confidence and luscious detail, with engaging and evolving characters.

 

[yowser]

It Started With A Cumshot
@ADirtyPerv


This is a traipsing little brother-sister romcom, easy on the reader’s eyes, light as a feather, could almost make it to Disneyworld except for a few important transgressive elements.

I am not an incest fan, so my personal angle will assume a neutral note on considering the merits of the story.

You set the scene clearly enough, with a startlingly absurd entry scenario (your coinage ‘cumsplosion’ says it all), but carry it all off with a confidence and charm that clearly resonated with your readers.

My main gripes are length (my usual one) and the over-the-top descriptions and characterizations. Sex is vivid although it approaches Marvel comics style exaggeration.

And the trope choices are exceedingly tedious: the big manly cock of seduction (on an otherwise dweebish dork of a brotherly high school senior, done a’la Pygmalion through the efforts of an over-dedicated sister), teenage angst, and an unworldly climax.

But, you achieve some very nice things along the way, in particular letting the characters breathe while evolving, altering and adjusting their mental spaces while overcoming inhibitions.

The unrealism of Jon’s development from an introverted, acne-ridden, awkward doofus (although possessing a mighty snake of a penis – so wearisome) is right out of some Barbie movie archetype. At the same time that you do a fine job focusing on the obvious care that each sibling show and develops with the other. I think this emotional connection is the greatest strength of the story, and handled unusually well. I think it could have been done with about a third less verbiage.

The botched date up front, while absurd on multiple levels (of course it involves the high school football star quarterback, of course he’s the nasty, shallow, chick-magnet who barely needs to be described since we know the type so well, the seedy bar setting with conspiratorial evil-doers, etc.), you use as an excellent lever for the rest of the tale.

Pacing is good, you move from one event to another, showing changes both to Jon’s physical and emotional aspects.

Some nice touches in dialog, I liked this about the topic of eyes:

"So you don't think they're windows to the soul?"

"Kinda. It's more like a way to tell someone's emotions to a really detailed degree. The closer you get to someone, the more you can read those details, those micro expressions, and THAT'S why it feels like a window to the soul. Because it's like... a physical representation of your closeness to a person. If you know them well, that 'window' is open more, in that you can read their micro expressions better. I'm convinced that the iris itself is static, aside from how watery your eyes are, though that plays a huge role of its own, and... ugh. I'm ranting."

.
Humor is obvious and often welcome. Taco bell on the first date? Says everything we need to know.

But the cartoonish sex descriptions? Spare me:

the pervy python in your pants

but I found myself frozen, like a snake under the snake charmer's musical spell -- but he had the snake. He moved just a little closer, just squirming in place, and I gurgled.

juices dripping from my horny honey hole.

sexy summer sausage

Okay, maybe humor, but the barrage feels endless.

He gave no fucks, though, falling on my perfectly medium-sized boobs with a crazed look in his eyes. Again, he was not an expert at any of this, but he fucking worshipped me with his mouth and tongue and fingers, and I was fucking dying. Every lick across my little pink nipples sent a pulse of fierce horniness to my pussy, which was just swimming in cunt juice at this point.

I have to say that your female protagonist reads like it was written by a male, and overall the banter between the siblings is an endless riff on dudespeak (that for this reader grew tiresome quite quickly.)

I know there’s a lot of variation in young adult communication styles, but my (only slightly older) kids do not talk this way and never did. But depending on your writerly motivations, this observation is perhaps irrelevant, and maybe readership is far more tolerant.

I did like the inclusion of various personality interests, which allowed you to emphasise various other matters (Jon’s drawing hobby which let’s you expand on Lacey’s physical appearance.)

I also thought you handled how the scandal affected the football team well, ie. running into the team’s players at the pool, a positive demonstration of writing nuance.

But… I’m not sure whether you wanted a gushing review on this, the urge was not difficult to resist, also not clear on exactly what sort of feedback you seek. The writing mechanics and storytelling aspects are more than competent, and your understanding of the TI crowd is impeccable. It may well be that you have your bullseye well imagined in your mind, and this tale may be an example of continued success in your writing, and that is no mean accomplishment here at Lit, with a wide and often unpredictable readership.

I took your effort as a deliberate light-hearted fantasy romp, and in that respect it is exemplary. If the goal is erotic arousal, I think you would gain a good deal by dialing back the cliché descriptions (monster cock and ‘ropes’ of semen) and focus more on the emotional (and perhaps even quirky) aspects of sexual activity and behavior. This would take some work and be much harder to achieve, but I think it would be a worthy challenge, and a chance to explore incestual participants in a more enlightening, maybe humanistic, fashion. All depends on your goals.

 

[ADirtyPerv]

@yowser I appreciate your input. I'll take some time to digest.

 

[yowser]

Tied to the Cuck Chair
@alohadave

I give you credit for two big things here. A self-contained, complete 750 word story (a ‘genre’ if I might call it that, a subset of flash fiction, and peculiar to Literotica, notoriously difficult to do well) that includes a lot within a relative scarcity of words.

This is a minimalist snapshot of a cuckold scenario, our hero tied to a chair in a nondescript anonymous hotel, watching his wife be taken by her ‘bull.’ Not an interest with much pull for me, but you capture it all quite well.

In a story this short, it is imperative that the scene and at least one of the characters be set up cleanly. You do both.

Right from the beginning we know that it is the cuckold husband’s tale, from his point of view. We know where we are (bland hotel room, obviously rented for this exact scenario), that our narrator is tied to a chair (even mentioned in the title, which does some sweet preliminary work before the story even begins), his wife on the bed, and the bull hovering, both the center of everything and curiously also a blank slate.

There are lots of ways to do this story, and you chose the husband to tell the tale. I don’t often consider this, but it would be intriguing to have this very short scene narrated by each of the other participants. I’m not suggesting this, only as a thought after reading. You’d likely get three very different stories.

This tale is a fascinating example of an issue for storytelling in general: questions the reader develops in response to the writer’s words.

In any story, especially one like this that drops you right into the midst of the action, as a writer you want your reader to be interested. All sorts of questions (about the setting, about the characters, about what might be happening next) should come up for a reader early on for any story, and that is a good thing, it’s what keeps readers going, wanting to find out more.

The issue the writer assumes, the burden of the story, is how to go about answering those questions, and much of the success of a story (here at Literotica in particular, but also universally) is how well (and how satisfying) the answers to those questions are supplied. It is not necessary to answer ALL questions, just the most important ones.

In this highly truncated scene, as a writer you won’t be able to do much here, there is just not enough time and space to do so, yet you get the key points in, the raison d'etre of the cuckold theme. Everyone here is in on the deal, it all makes sense, a tight short entry and exit off the cuckold highway. I think you achieved this nicely.

Only a couple issues, one visual, came up for me. Although you mention that Frank’s ‘ass sweats into the fabric’ of the chair he is strapped to, meaning he is unclothed, you also describe the way his cock is ‘pressing’ into his belly. Not all erection curves are of this nature and while it is a good image, I had a brief hiccup in understanding. Maybe mentioning that this was the normal arc the thing took for our hero would have smoothed that out, I’m not sure. A minor point.

Other visuals are brief but vivid, the high heels, the marks on her body, all contrasting with the nondescript ‘hotel anywhere’ location.

One confusion: the hotel room is indicated to be the bull Sam’s room, but then he is the one to leave at the end of the story. Wouldn’t the couple have done so, not him? Not quite sure what you meant to do there.

Only two lines of dialogue in the 750 words, all at the end. I am assuming the identity of the speaker of the last line is left deliberately ambiguous, otherwise it is a mistake, but I don’t think it is.

So tightly told, a short, punchy slice of the cuckold life put out there on an abbreviated plate. If it was a longer story I would have wanted more character, more of what led to the scenario, more of a lot, but with 750-worders those are luxuries. You capture the fellow’s internal thoughts, feelings, reactions in a succinct manner. As a whole this story holds up quite well.

I’ll add sixteen more words to make this an even 750, a word for word review.

 

[alohadave]

Tied to the Cuck Chair
@alohadave

I give you credit for two big things here. A self-contained, complete 750 word story (a ‘genre’ if I might call it that, a subset of flash fiction, and peculiar to Literotica, notoriously difficult to do well) that includes a lot within a relative scarcity of words.

Thank you for your kind words.

And good job on making it 750 words.

 

[Whitelily131]

Hi yowser!

This is my debut story/the first installment of what I hope will be a fairly long series. I decided to start publishing on Lit out of a desire to improve my craft and make writing a less solitary activity. So, I’m very excited for your thoughts. Thanks!

Dragonlord Ch. 01

 

[yowser]

Hi yowser!

This is my debut story/the first installment of what I hope will be a fairly long series. I decided to start publishing Lit out of a desire to improve my craft and make writing a less solitary activity. So, I’m very excited for your thoughts. Thanks!

Dragonlord Ch. 01

Thanks for asking. I'll take a quick look and if you don't hear from me in a day or so, expect a review in the next couple weeks.

Regardless, congratulations on your first offering here, and best of luck for the future.