A Dom's responsibilities

[IrisAlthea]

Back in the day, I fucked on many a first date, but only when I had zero interest in a second.




It's the generalization to which I object, not whatever advice has been given in response to some other thread.

The problem with your generalization is that it starts with the premise: 'Since your sub partner is clearly unstable...'

Of course, you could clarify by beginning: "IF your partner is clearly unstable..." But frankly, I'd say that union's unethical from the start. Not just for D-types, but for anyone.

This!

 

[Bandit58]

DVS - you and Sir are probably around the same age. He had lots of group sex back in the day (70s). He was in a core group of people who had sex parties every weekend - pretty casual, with lots of drugs like pot and mandies etc around.

In contrast, I had a very sheltered rural upbringing, married my first real boyfriend (because you don't have sex unless there's love involved and the expectation was there that you'd marry the guy you were sleeping with ). That mistake cost me 23 years with someone who I grew to dislike intensely and who treated me like shit.

I wish I'd had more opportunities and experiences when I was younger....

 

[DVS]

DVS - you and Sir are probably around the same age. He had lots of group sex back in the day (70s). He was in a core group of people who had sex parties every weekend - pretty casual, with lots of drugs like pot and mandies etc around.

In contrast, I had a very sheltered rural upbringing, married my first real boyfriend (because you don't have sex unless there's love involved and the expectation was there that you'd marry the guy you were sleeping with ). That mistake cost me 23 years with someone who I grew to dislike intensely and who treated me like shit.

I wish I'd had more opportunities and experiences when I was younger....

There were no sex parties that I know of. Well, at least I wasn't ever invited to any. Our sexual fun was just one on one or the occasional threesome. But it was a group of people who knew everyone by name. Our common glue was rock music and a social scene enhanced by drug use. Many stayed loosely together for several years until life sent us in different directions. No bands or members "made it big" but we did rub elbows with some who did. The journey was great fun. I'd do it again, if I had the chance.

 

[Netzach]

I hate when men say this.

How the fuck did we get from "casual sex" to "the first date?" Why not go on three or four or something before you start falling to his feet and saying "do with me what thou wilt?"

 

[Netzach]

Thing is-- in my first post? She isn't your partner yet.

Nor are you hers.

You are taking each other out for a test drive. If your prospective relationship includes sex, you ought to test drive that aspect. She damn well had better, especially, if you want her to be exclusive to you.

I don't respect men who refer to a woman's sexual activity as "giving it up."

But they do. And women buy in. And then you get the "oh no my partner is vanilla what do I do, we have 3 kids" v 8.2 post

 

[Netzach]

Me, I have historically fucked pretty quickly, because I do NOT like sexual revelations after falling in love - been there done that - but I also tend to have talked to my "date" for 48 consecutive hours at times before taking the tumble.

I oddly seem to have very few problems getting people to respect me.

But there's a lot coming into play here. I'm a gay guy in a squishy girl body, to some extent "If I fuck him and then I like him" is more natural to me than "if I like him a lot then MAYYBE I'll fuck him after I've gotten myself into a totally attached mess" I'm coming of age in the latex covered sex will kill you age, sex has never stopped being pleasurable and mattering, but everyone "puts it out there" by fucking now, it's not just pregnancy to worry about, everyone is being evaluated and everyone will lose some points for being known to fuck everyone and anyone.

 

[Netzach]

I guess I'm coming from a free love type of situation. snip

This was beautiful. Honestly. This is exactly what I'd want from my world. Maybe with some more gayness, and a little less pubic hair than you probably recall, but overall, it makes me happy to see someone who appreciates people being sexual, period, and a climate set up for same.

 

[YourCaptor]

Back in the day, I fucked on many a first date, but only when I had zero interest in a second.

That's not a date though, that's fucking around, or possibly and elaborate and expensive bootycall.

Me, I have historically fucked pretty quickly, because I do NOT like sexual revelations after falling in love

K that actually makes sense theoretically, but realistically I doubt it will happen.



Does nobody talks about sex before they actually fuck?

 

[ownedsubgal]

Does nobody talks about sex before they actually fuck?

of course...but there's a whole heck of a lot that simply talking about sex just won't tell you. at some point you both have to just shut up and jump in, see what's up.

 

[BiBunny]

How the fuck did we get from "casual sex" to "the first date?" Why not go on three or four or something before you start falling to his feet and saying "do with me what thou wilt?"

Yes, ew. I agree there.

Me, I have historically fucked pretty quickly, because I do NOT like sexual revelations after falling in love - been there done that - but I also tend to have talked to my "date" for 48 consecutive hours at times before taking the tumble.

I oddly seem to have very few problems getting people to respect me.

But there's a lot coming into play here. I'm a gay guy in a squishy girl body, to some extent "If I fuck him and then I like him" is more natural to me than "if I like him a lot then MAYYBE I'll fuck him after I've gotten myself into a totally attached mess" I'm coming of age in the latex covered sex will kill you age, sex has never stopped being pleasurable and mattering, but everyone "puts it out there" by fucking now, it's not just pregnancy to worry about, everyone is being evaluated and everyone will lose some points for being known to fuck everyone and anyone.

I'm pretty much the same. Chances are, if I don't fuck you (or participate in some sort of sexual activity) within the first couple of times of us meeting face-to-face, it's not ever gonna happen. If that loses me some points, so be it.

of course...but there's a whole heck of a lot that simply talking about sex just won't tell you. at some point you both have to just shut up and jump in, see what's up.

Yes, this. Right here.

 

[pszyck0]

In all honesty I have had to show this thread to a number of Sub's I have come across ,because they are mistreated and there mentality suffers from it . They want to be treated a certain way but have there confidence and self esteem abused because they are made to feel insignificant like some sort of tool even outside there relationship.

 

[KoPilot]

Likewise.

May I say, I give great interview.



Having sex and having a romantic relationship should not always be the same thing. JMO.

For those of us who are incapable of experiencing primary sexual attraction, there's no choice. ;P Makes it harder when you don't often experience primary romantic attraction either..

 

[JMohegan]

That's not a date though, that's fucking around, or possibly and elaborate and expensive bootycall.

Haha, maybe. But haven't you ever been out for coffee or drinks or something, and found out that cute female is actually a ditz or a smoker or hardcore Republican or just plain clearly not relationship material for some other reason? That's what I'm talking about here.

Does nobody talks about sex before they actually fuck?

I never have, no.

I realize this is heresy in an age when everyone's supposed to broadcast their sexual ID and comprehensive list of Will/Won't Do on some profile or whatever, but there you have it. No.

 

[intothewoods]

of course...but there's a whole heck of a lot that simply talking about sex just won't tell you. at some point you both have to just shut up and jump in, see what's up.

Yeah, I think talking about the sex you want to have is going to be different from the sex you actually have. First time sex, one month into it sex, one year into it sex...

 

[rida]

Re: sex on a first date

The official rule is "no". But since I'm now primarily dating for fuck buddies, the reality is that if I like you, we will. (the reason for the rule is to give me a way out if I don't like them - and it is a way out for them as well, or I get a weird vibe).
And if that makes you do not want a second date, so be it. More often than not I'm the one that does not care for seconds

When I was younger, I did never really "date" (I went from not interested to a boyfriend straight away), but when hanging out, if i liked someone, I would have no problem making out right away. The only reason I did not have sex was because I enjoyed the whole making out part much better. (Good sex and late teens/early 20s do not go together often at all)

Re: the OP:
As in any relationship the Dom has the responsibility of not being an ass. As in any relationship. Same for the sub.

 

[YourCaptor]

of course...but there's a whole heck of a lot that simply talking about sex just won't tell you. at some point you both have to just shut up and jump in, see what's up.

Yea but we're talking first date. First date priorities should be more like, discover if they are psycho, or if they can hold a subject for more than 500 seconds, or if her psycho brother is waiting outside.

Re: sex on a first date

The official rule is "no". But since I'm now primarily dating for fuck buddies, the reality is that if I like you, we will. (the reason for the rule is to give me a way out if I don't like them - and it is a way out for them as well, or I get a weird vibe).
And if that makes you do not want a second date, so be it. More often than not I'm the one that does not care for seconds

When I was younger, I did never really "date" (I went from not interested to a boyfriend straight away), but when hanging out, if i liked someone, I would have no problem making out right away. The only reason I did not have sex was because I enjoyed the whole making out part much better. (Good sex and late teens/early 20s do not go together often at all)

Re: the OP:
As in any relationship the Dom has the responsibility of not being an ass. As in any relationship. Same for the sub.

Eww, making out!!

And also, first date vs sex date, I think they are different.

 

[barelytrained]

I agree that a dom needs to accept full responsibility for his actions when entering into a relationship with a submissive, especially if she is inexperienced. He needs to guide their conversations in a way that will help determine if they are right for each other based on his experience with the lifestyle. I think that it's wrong to take the very special gift being offered by a submissive without also taking responsibilty for her well being.

I've talked with some of these inexperienced submissives and tried to offer some advice as they start their journey into this new world. Many of them have read about the lifestyle and feel drawn to it and yet they often don't really know exactly what they want, or what will be expected from them. I stress the importance of getting to know each other as two individuals first, developing open and honest communications, talking about how much time will be available, and building trust one day at a time before entering into any type of committed relationship.

Unfortunately I see many of them rush into relationships with doms they really don't know well and they end up very unhappy, or in over their heads emotionally.

Wisley stated and so true as always Mdavid
As a dom I want my submissive to understand what my expectations will be, and I also want her to understand how being mine is going to affect her emotionally. Before going too far I need to have a good sense that she will be able to handle the emotional challenges of this type of relationship. Some women who are submissive sexually are not prepared for the emotional aspects of giving themselves to a dom. As her dom I need to accept that life in her other world will sometimes take priority over her life with me. I want her to have a good idea of what a relationship with me is going to be like BEFORE we make a commitment to each other. During this time when we are getting to know each other it's my responsibility to tell her if I don't think it will work, just as I would expect her to be honest and tell me if she thought I was not the right dom to give herself too.

If we reach that point where we both agree to enter into a long term relationship as a dom and submissive then I will take responsibility for her care, both emotionally and physically. As a dom I don't feel the need to break a woman down. Instead I want to nurture her and guide her as she comes out of her cocoon and really spreads her submissive wings and flies for the first time, and becomes all of the woman she was meant to be. Of course I will push her boundaries when I think that is what she needs, but never to the extent that it could intentionally cause her physical or emotional harm or affect her safety. Part of being her dom and being in control is sometimes curbing my own desires when the end result could be unhealthy or unsafe for my submissive.

I know that years ago a very special woman helped me when the dom inside first emerged, and therefore I feel a responsibility to help those that are new to this lifestyle find the right path that is best for them. I would urge all of us in this community to remember what it was like when we first entered the lifestyle and help those who truly want some guidance and understanding. I would also strongly suggest that new submissives take their time and not rush into a relationship with a dom until they have a much better understanding of what they are doing.

Another wise piece of advice and explanation from a great Dom, as always Mdavid! I love to read what you write. TY

 

[Loverskitten]

"I fucked her in the open air, right next to the sea. The first time that I met her, she gave herself to me........"

I suppose it all depends on the date for me. I have to really like the guy.
This thread has taken a turn... I think we need a first date sex poll.

 

[Netzach]

of course...but there's a whole heck of a lot that simply talking about sex just won't tell you. at some point you both have to just shut up and jump in, see what's up.

God. This.

 

[Netzach]

Haha, maybe. But haven't you ever been out for coffee or drinks or something, and found out that cute female is actually a ditz or a smoker or hardcore Republican or just plain clearly not relationship material for some other reason? That's what I'm talking about here.


I never have, no.

I realize this is heresy in an age when everyone's supposed to broadcast their sexual ID and comprehensive list of Will/Won't Do on some profile or whatever, but there you have it. No.

If I don't like you enough to spend another four hours with you I don't like you enough to stick my plastic peen in you. Masturbation is preferable to the release toss involved there.

 

[His_pet_slut]

If I don't like you enough to spend another four hours with you I don't like you enough to stick my plastic peen in you. Masturbation is preferable to the release toss involved there.

Yes! If I don't have enough common ground and attraction to want to share a meal with you or a walk in the park, why on earth would I want to have sex with you? While I have had my share of FWB's, they have been people I like & respect. People I don't go 'ewwww....what was I thinking after we finishing with the fucking.'

 

[Stella_Omega]

If I am invited out on a date, or invite someone out on a date, my FIRST consideration is: "Do I possibly want to fuck this person?" If the answer is no, then there had better be another reason to go on that date, like maybe some sort of friendship connection. If the answer is yes, thenat elast that part is settled in my mind. We might NOT fuck-- maybe my date has their own qualms, maybe my "yes" got changed into a "no." But If it stays "yes," and the opportunity arises, then we learn about each other through *cough* intimate congress, and go on from there.

There still might be reasons we don't click. For one thing, the sex might not work so well. or maybe it does, but something else. But i refuse to find out about our sexual incompatibilities AFTER someone has fallen in love with someone else.It's so fucking stupid. Either sex is important in a relationship, in which case we treat it as something iportant to know about-- or else it isn't, in which case why worry about casual fucking?

 

[leyna]

If I am invited out on a date, or invite someone out on a date, my FIRST consideration is: "Do I possibly want to fuck this person?" If the answer is no, then there had better be another reason to go on that date, like maybe some sort of friendship connection. If the answer is yes, thenat elast that part is settled in my mind. We might NOT fuck-- maybe my date has their own qualms, maybe my "yes" got changed into a "no." But If it stays "yes," and the opportunity arises, then we learn about each other through *cough* intimate congress, and go on from there.

There still might be reasons we don't click. For one thing, the sex might not work so well. or maybe it does, but something else. But i refuse to find out about our sexual incompatibilities AFTER someone has fallen in love with someone else.It's so fucking stupid. Either sex is important in a relationship, in which case we treat it as something iportant to know about-- or else it isn't, in which case why worry about casual fucking?

yeah, "what she said"
seriously, my current LTR started as a one-night "both of us need this" kind of night. We had met through a mutual friend.We had spent a night at a party talking until everyone else had gone to bed. Then, six months later, we chatted online for a bit before we "tried each other on for size" Not sure if it could be considered our "first date" but i *think* it was LOL

 

[JMohegan]

If I don't like you enough to spend another four hours with you I don't like you enough to stick my plastic peen in you. Masturbation is preferable to the release toss involved there.

Many times I think you have guy brain.

This is not one of those times.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Many times I think you have guy brain.

This is not one of those times.

it's that she doesn't have guy genitals. A plastic peen can't drive its user forward with ejaculatory incentives. She gets all the hard work without getting the big bang under those circs.