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A Dom's responsibilities

BiBunny said:
I hate when men say this.
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I wonder how many men would say this. What's all this talk about respect when talking about some good, kinky sex? Yes, I'm kinky and I'm easy.
 
DVS said:
I wonder how many men would say this. What's all this talk about respect when talking about some good, kinky sex? Yes, I'm kinky and I'm easy.
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It's more common than you'd think.
 
YourCaptor said:
Well if you're into that sort of thing. I prefer some control over who or what my partner fucks.
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Thing is-- in my first post? She isn't your partner yet.

Nor are you hers.

You are taking each other out for a test drive. If your prospective relationship includes sex, you ought to test drive that aspect. She damn well had better, especially, if you want her to be exclusive to you.

I don't respect men who refer to a woman's sexual activity as "giving it up."
 
YourCaptor said:
I don't think I can respect a woman who gives it up on the first date.
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I like to be in control, so if I make a move I appreciate the tendency to acquiesce.

However, the more I like a woman (in the relationship sense) the slower I go. Fucking on the first date, if I'm interested in more than just fucking? No way.


CookingDom said:
If you begin 'dominating' a submissive, even more so with a newbie, have the balls to see it through instead of dropping him/her the minute she doesn't fit in with your 'standards'.
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This generalization has nothing to do with balls, and everything to do with paternalistic nonsense.

I am only ever going to be dating a female who is both literally and metaphorically grown up. And if she doesn't fit my standards, I see no reason why I bear responsibility for sticking around. Just as I wouldn't expect a female to stick around, if I failed to meet hers.
 
I've been known to fuck on the first date. After I got past all that purity nonsense (something that took far too long), I figured why not if we both want to?

Not sure why most guys I date want to marry me. Guess they don't respect me.

I'm a healthy, sex positive, facilitator.

:D
 
You can't fuck on a first date, that's like fucking on a job interview.

You're all crazy.
 
JMohegan said:
I like to be in control, so if I make a move I appreciate the tendency to acquiesce.

However, the more I like a woman (in the relationship sense) the slower I go. Fucking on the first date, if I'm interested in more than just fucking? No way.



This generalization has nothing to do with balls, and everything to do with paternalistic nonsense.

I am only ever going to be dating a female who is both literally and metaphorically grown up. And if she doesn't fit my standards, I see no reason why I bear responsibility for sticking around. Just as I wouldn't expect a female to stick around, if I failed to meet hers.
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I agree and I don't

Yes as you test the waters you, or they, may find it isn't working and move on, but in the thread that prompted this response, this girl was clearly unstable (if she is real and not just another pseudo) yet her 'dom' continued to push her into stuff, privately and (more worryingly) publicly. He encouraged her to do things which she was not fit to do and paraded her about without doing the decent thing and pulling her aside, or in the least stop instructing her to continue. He just fucked off an left her and it seems, got off on it.

He created a situation and didn't clean up his mess. On the plus side he's shown his true colours, publicly, so at least some can learn from this, whether approaching him or just being a little more cautious and thoughtful of what they are going into and how manipulative some people can be.
 
CookingDom said:
I agree and I don't

Yes as you test the waters you, or they, may find it isn't working and move on, but in the thread that prompted this response, this girl was clearly unstable (if she is real and not just another pseudo) yet her 'dom' continued to push her into stuff, privately and (more worryingly) publicly. He encouraged her to do things which she was not fit to do and paraded her about without doing the decent thing and pulling her aside, or in the least stop instructing her to continue. He just fucked off an left her and it seems, got off on it.

He created a situation and didn't clean up his mess. On the plus side he's shown his true colours, publicly, so at least some can learn from this, whether approaching him or just being a little more cautious and thoughtful of what they are going into and how manipulative some people can be.
Click to expand...


I agree that a dom needs to accept full responsibility for his actions when entering into a relationship with a submissive, especially if she is inexperienced. He needs to guide their conversations in a way that will help determine if they are right for each other based on his experience with the lifestyle. I think that it's wrong to take the very special gift being offered by a submissive without also taking responsibilty for her well being.

I've talked with some of these inexperienced submissives and tried to offer some advice as they start their journey into this new world. Many of them have read about the lifestyle and feel drawn to it and yet they often don't really know exactly what they want, or what will be expected from them. I stress the importance of getting to know each other as two individuals first, developing open and honest communications, talking about how much time will be available, and building trust one day at a time before entering into any type of committed relationship.

Unfortunately I see many of them rush into relationships with doms they really don't know well and they end up very unhappy, or in over their heads emotionally.

As a dom I want my submissive to understand what my expectations will be, and I also want her to understand how being mine is going to affect her emotionally. Before going too far I need to have a good sense that she will be able to handle the emotional challenges of this type of relationship. Some women who are submissive sexually are not prepared for the emotional aspects of giving themselves to a dom. As her dom I need to accept that life in her other world will sometimes take priority over her life with me. I want her to have a good idea of what a relationship with me is going to be like BEFORE we make a commitment to each other. During this time when we are getting to know each other it's my responsibility to tell her if I don't think it will work, just as I would expect her to be honest and tell me if she thought I was not the right dom to give herself too.

If we reach that point where we both agree to enter into a long term relationship as a dom and submissive then I will take responsibility for her care, both emotionally and physically. As a dom I don't feel the need to break a woman down. Instead I want to nurture her and guide her as she comes out of her cocoon and really spreads her submissive wings and flies for the first time, and becomes all of the woman she was meant to be. Of course I will push her boundaries when I think that is what she needs, but never to the extent that it could intentionally cause her physical or emotional harm or affect her safety. Part of being her dom and being in control is sometimes curbing my own desires when the end result could be unhealthy or unsafe for my submissive.

I know that years ago a very special woman helped me when the dom inside first emerged, and therefore I feel a responsibility to help those that are new to this lifestyle find the right path that is best for them. I would urge all of us in this community to remember what it was like when we first entered the lifestyle and help those who truly want some guidance and understanding. I would also strongly suggest that new submissives take their time and not rush into a relationship with a dom until they have a much better understanding of what they are doing.
 
Poor unstable girl. Reminds me of Dollparts. She can't be helped until and unless she wants to change. What she wants to do is sit on the internet 24/7 and say, "LOOK at MEeeeee!" So she does. She may have issues but she is not willing to work on them responsibly.

Therefore she puts herself out there to be internet abused. She probably also gives out info that could put her in danger in her real life but though it might be terrible to watch the train wreck, we can't stop her or help her unless she is willing to see there are issues with her behavior and change. You don't have to be unstable and mentally challenged for that to be true of course . . .

Does this absolve the Dom "wannabes" that choose to take advantage? No. It does not. While one is sad, the other is predatory and all for masturbatory purposes.

:eek:
 
YourCaptor said:
You can't fuck on a first date, that's like fucking on a job interview.

You're all crazy.
Click to expand...
Back in the day, I fucked on many a first date, but only when I had zero interest in a second.



CookingDom said:
I agree and I don't

Yes as you test the waters you, or they, may find it isn't working and move on, but in the thread that prompted this response, this girl was clearly unstable (if she is real and not just another pseudo) yet her 'dom' continued to push her into stuff, privately and (more worryingly) publicly. He encouraged her to do things which she was not fit to do and paraded her about without doing the decent thing and pulling her aside, or in the least stop instructing her to continue. He just fucked off an left her and it seems, got off on it.

He created a situation and didn't clean up his mess. On the plus side he's shown his true colours, publicly, so at least some can learn from this, whether approaching him or just being a little more cautious and thoughtful of what they are going into and how manipulative some people can be.
Click to expand...
It's the generalization to which I object, not whatever advice has been given in response to some other thread.

The problem with your generalization is that it starts with the premise: 'Since your sub partner is clearly unstable...'

Of course, you could clarify by beginning: "IF your partner is clearly unstable..." But frankly, I'd say that union's unethical from the start. Not just for D-types, but for anyone.
 
Stella_Omega said:
Thing is-- in my first post? She isn't your partner yet.

Nor are you hers.

You are taking each other out for a test drive. If your prospective relationship includes sex, you ought to test drive that aspect. She damn well had better, especially, if you want her to be exclusive to you.

I don't respect men who refer to a woman's sexual activity as "giving it up."
Click to expand...
I guess I'm coming from a free love type of situation. In my 20s and 30s, I lived in areas where there were a lot of bands and it seemed like every guy was in a band. All of the women were either married to a band member, a member of a band themselves, living with one, dating one, and there were a fair amount of women just hanging around, going to the parties, showing up at band practice, gigs, etc. I'd estimate there were about 20 men and maybe about the same number of women, give or take some from time to time. Some of those women were taken (married, etc.).

Some women might live with the guitar player of a band for a while, then she might end up with the drummer, or someone in another band. I don't know if you could call any of them groupies, because none of these bands were famous...although we were all excellent musicians, just looking for our big break. :rolleyes: :D

Back then, respecting someone the next day wasn't an issue. Everybody respected each other for who they were as well as for any choice they made. If both wanted to engage in a sexual act, they did. It was as simple as that. And if one of them didn't, it wasn't any big deal. That choice was respected. It wasn't like sex was always going to happen, but it was possible.

And, there were some who were called sluts, who would have sex with most anybody, given the right situation. It wasn't considered a bad thing, and it wasn't like they were just scuzzy twats, either. They were friends...members of our expanded group and well liked. It's difficult to explain in today's terms, I guess. Everybody was just more open.

For a while, I had sex with two women from work, on our lunch hour and it was their idea. Then, we went back to work. We just enjoyed each other's bodies. There were no twists or turns, no game playing, etc. It might be difficult to understand, but that's how it was.

And for the most part, this was all vanilla sex. One of the two girls I went to lunch with did like to be tied up but she would only do it when her friend was there. And that was the extent of it. It was before anybody was really open that they enjoyed any of that. I guess people were still in the closet. If a relationship came from a sexual encounter, I'm sure there usually was more exploring.

The late 60s and 70s were a different time. No AIDS, very little if any sexual contracted diseases, etc. I don't want people to think I was having sex with a different woman every day, because that wasn't the case. But, it was not uncommon for two people to just get together and have sex, even without going on a date. Sometimes, going on a date was too formal and implied more than either partner wanted. Sex was what was desired...not a relationship. Ah, the good ol' days. Today, things can be so complicated.:mad:
 
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mdavid_1964 said:
I agree that a dom needs to accept full responsibility for his actions when entering into a relationship with a submissive, especially if she is inexperienced. He needs to guide their conversations in a way that will help determine if they are right for each other based on his experience with the lifestyle. I think that it's wrong to take the very special gift being offered by a submissive without also taking responsibilty for her well being.

I've talked with some of these inexperienced submissives and tried to offer some advice as they start their journey into this new world. Many of them have read about the lifestyle and feel drawn to it and yet they often don't really know exactly what they want, or what will be expected from them. I stress the importance of getting to know each other as two individuals first, developing open and honest communications, talking about how much time will be available, and building trust one day at a time before entering into any type of committed relationship.

Unfortunately I see many of them rush into relationships with doms they really don't know well and they end up very unhappy, or in over their heads emotionally.

As a dom I want my submissive to understand what my expectations will be, and I also want her to understand how being mine is going to affect her emotionally. Before going too far I need to have a good sense that she will be able to handle the emotional challenges of this type of relationship. Some women who are submissive sexually are not prepared for the emotional aspects of giving themselves to a dom. As her dom I need to accept that life in her other world will sometimes take priority over her life with me. I want her to have a good idea of what a relationship with me is going to be like BEFORE we make a commitment to each other. During this time when we are getting to know each other it's my responsibility to tell her if I don't think it will work, just as I would expect her to be honest and tell me if she thought I was not the right dom to give herself too.

If we reach that point where we both agree to enter into a long term relationship as a dom and submissive then I will take responsibility for her care, both emotionally and physically. As a dom I don't feel the need to break a woman down. Instead I want to nurture her and guide her as she comes out of her cocoon and really spreads her submissive wings and flies for the first time, and becomes all of the woman she was meant to be. Of course I will push her boundaries when I think that is what she needs, but never to the extent that it could intentionally cause her physical or emotional harm or affect her safety. Part of being her dom and being in control is sometimes curbing my own desires when the end result could be unhealthy or unsafe for my submissive.

I know that years ago a very special woman helped me when the dom inside first emerged, and therefore I feel a responsibility to help those that are new to this lifestyle find the right path that is best for them. I would urge all of us in this community to remember what it was like when we first entered the lifestyle and help those who truly want some guidance and understanding. I would also strongly suggest that new submissives take their time and not rush into a relationship with a dom until they have a much better understanding of what they are doing.
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well put. thank you.
 
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