A married man's question

[Doleika]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for posting and mostly for letting me post and ramble on at great length.

It's a little scary seeing my life laid out like this, but it is helping me to see some things a little clearer.

 

[m468h]

I agree with this

Ok, here is the non politically correct answer.

1) Get a girl friend that will satisfy your cravings. Maybe you might want to half jokingly ask the wife first and gauge her reaction. if she says get one, and then you ask if she is serious, dont ask again and go get one. Maybe you want to have a tape recorder handy too!

2) Tell her you have needs and its BECAUSE of her shunning for 20 years that when you finally see her hot body and get into her, you blow your load too quickly! That might impress her. If not, see number 1.

3) since killing her and hiding the body is always out of the question, you have to get a backbone and tell her "Baby, I need it and need it once a week so I can build up my staying power." If she says "No" or "Your crazy", see number 1.

4) buy her a toy. tell her you want to use it on her to get her off. If she thinks you are a perv, see number 1.

I want to die if I do not get it from SOMEONE every few days. Its not always possible to get it that often but I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. I made hubby do me the other morning after he came home from taking the kids to school. I was home because I had a doctors appointment before work so he offered to take the kids that morning and let me sleep. He got home, I was getting dressed, my makeup on and just my bra and thong and I told him to do me! Just like that too (he loves Miss Slutty Mouth).

And my husband would get a gf if I cut him off for any length of time, as he should. $hit, after 20 years, he would have a right to divorce me!!!!!

We also swing so I may not be the best person to give you advice. That said, you have to break that bad bad cycle some way. Good luck.

and I don't need to get flamed, I said at the outset this was not going to be politically correct.

Let us know what happens.

V

Number one seems to be the best way to go. If you've been sexless for that long, I personally don't see that changing...stop trying to figure out her reasons, and take care of yourself. I know that sounds selfish, but I think she is being that way, too. She obviously doesn't wish to make things better in that department.

good luck.

 

[Davetmat]

You should see a therapist regardless, this has no doubt injured you mentally.. has to after 20 years of getting turned down by the one you love.


All i can say is i hope things work out well enough as can be for ya mate, it's a very rough card to be dealt.

Sex isn't everything but it is something.

 

[cebalrai]

I have asked her whether it is because of me she doesn't want sex - and she says she just doesn't want to, at all.
Several years ago, I was posted away from home by work for 3 months. My last night at home, we made a special effort, relaxed dinner, wine, low music and lights etc, but on our way to bed, she was in tears. She says, "I know what you want and I just can't."

Okay, something is seriously disturbing your wife on an emotional level. Bad. She may not even know what it is.

She's not aesexual by the way, since you said you had lots of good sex early on. People don't just spontaneously become aesexual for no reason.

You need to get into couple's counseling ASAP. If she wont go (and I bet she will), then you need to go for yourself with an open invite for her to attend. A good therapist will assist you in empowering her to participate.

Please, please don't listen to the idiots on this thread that are urging you to go out and sleep with other women. All that's going to make you feel, is MUCH worse about your marraige... And you'll long for your wife ten times more. Not to mention you'll probably damage any hopes of changing things for the better.

 

[silverwhisper]

doleika: yeah, erika's advice is invariably sound & insightful, i've always felt. :>

my meaning is this: some people unfortunately aren't interested in sex, seeing its utility strictly as a ration to dole out as a reward for service, rather than as an expression of love, affection & intimacy. my fear was that this may describe your wife but seeing your other posts, i don't think that fear is warranted.

after the first few months, when i'd say it was passionate and intimate, it did seem to become much more something to be "tolerated".

that was during your dating phase? well, no question here that you love her!

look: your sexual needs do require a release. your wife apparently thinks that rosie palm is a satisfactory alternate. only someone who has no libido would honestly think that with any measure of conviction.

i think you should talk with your wife about the fact that masturbating simply isn't an acceptable compromise, b/c it involves no compromise for her. and i think that counseling is going to be necessary.

sex IMX is a symptom of a relationship's health. when sex dries up, there's usually something else going on. is there anything else?

on the occasions that you've had sex with your wife, have you practiced birth control, and whichever way, whose choice was it?

ed

 

[cebalrai]

There's a difference between "not interested in sex" and "honnie, we're not going to have sex for the next decade, okay?"

Something is very, very wrong and it's not some fatalistic thing to accept.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for posting and mostly for letting me post and ramble on at great length.

It's a little scary seeing my life laid out like this, but it is helping me to see some things a little clearer.

I think it is brave of you to seek a solution to your problem like this.

I know she said that lots of women are like this but actually making an effort to make your last night together in 3 months special and then ending up in tears and saying "I just can´t!", is not in the same ballpark as saying "Not tonight honey." sometimes, so I really think you are doing the right thing in trying to find out what is going on.

One possible reason for loosing your sexdrive is depression and another is hormonal imbalances. Medication and some medical problems could be other reasons. She should really get that checked out and not only to revive your sexlife.

Other than that I can only agree with Sweet Erika. Her advice is excellent as always, just like you said.

 

[SnowVixen]

I agree with the posters who suggest there must be something serious going on here. It doesn't sound like your wife just isn't interested in sex; it sounds like she has an active aversion to it. The idea of breaking down in tears at the thought of "having" to have sex.... She really should talk to somebody.

I respect you a lot for wanting to stick with it and make it work. Good luck.

 

[SweetErika]

Okay, something is seriously disturbing your wife on an emotional level. Bad. She may not even know what it is.

You need to get into couple's counseling ASAP. If she wont go (and I bet she will), then you need to go for yourself with an open invite for her to attend. A good therapist will assist you in empowering her to participate.

Very well said.

She's not aesexual by the way, since you said you had lots of good sex early on. People don't just spontaneously become aesexual for no reason.

I don't think we have enough info to make that determination. We're getting limited info second-hand and we don't know if she ever enjoyed/wanted sex (or was just faking it and doing it out of a sense of obligation), how long she's felt this way, or the likely reasons behind her lack of desire.

It's true that "people don't just spontaneously become aesexual for no reason," but that doesn't really apply here since her lack of desire clearly arose from something, whether that was a history of abuse/assault, her upbringing, a physical or chemical issue, or something else. True asexuality may be part of who one is by the traditional definition, but if someone has had NO desire for sexual activity for a couple of decades, for all intents and purposes, they are asexual.


Doleika, I hope you do commit to pursuing therapy for yourself. You're right, it probably won't lead to your wife wanting to have sex, but you're also right in saying that you're at a crossroads and you need some clarity on where you want to go from here. Do it for the betterment of you, not for that of your sex life.

 

[phelon]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for posting and mostly for letting me post and ramble on at great length.

It's a little scary seeing my life laid out like this, but it is helping me to see some things a little clearer.

Remember life is full of contracts, when you signed yours, it was understood by you that it included sex.. and yet that hasn't happened, now at this point you have a few small but impacting options

1) break the contract by divorce or affair
2) put your foot down, take her to the doctor and have them do a full panel to make sure all her hormones are normal, that no other medications she is on have it as a side effect.
if that comes up with no change, you can look at option

3) renegotiate.. put on the table either you find a partner with her permission, or you get therapy as a couple or you leave. with all the PE treatments and other things available, that is a problem, but one that practice and support would solve.

4) Research some facts, but from the women i know.. They don;t think no sex is normal, they usually think that means they are doing something wrong, and complain loudly about it... but perhaps her parents or something gave her an ingrained view of sex as a bad or unnecessary thing.


Your probably not dealing with any one problem, but several that are self reinforcing causing this firm belief in her, if you can change one or two things, the rest might open up.

Whatever happens, good luck

 

[Doleika]

Once again, excellent thoughts and pointers from so many.

I have been directed towards a couple of potentially helpful forums.


At this point, I'm more inclined than ever to actually take that first step to see a therapist. I still fear and dread where I think it will lead, however if I find myself in the situation where my choices are plainly and starkly laid out before me, maybe then I shall have the courage to actually address the issue.

 

[ZoeBird]

No, I agree, making threats is never going to work - even if she was to give in, I wouldn't be comfortable with that knowledge - and it isn't any kind of solution.

I have asked her whether it is because of me she doesn't want sex - and she says she just doesn't want to, at all.
Several years ago, I was posted away from home by work for 3 months. My last night at home, we made a special effort, relaxed dinner, wine, low music and lights etc, but on our way to bed, she was in tears. She says, "I know what you want and I just can't."

Whatever her reason, I believe it is because of me. Constant rejection definitely will do some damage to your self confidence.

Oh wow, that is disturbing. The fact that she was in tears is worrying. I don't think it's because she doesn't want you. She wanted to please you, but for some reason she couldn't. She was upset because she couldn't give herself to you.

I think she needs to get into some therapy. The best thing you can do is be patient and understanding while she gets some help, and participate in the therapy if she wants you to. Good luck.

 

[Redecker]

-----

 

[subwannabe]

I don't think it's right that the significant other should basically force someone to accept them for the way they are.

 

[southernsky]

FWIW I third (fourth?) the idea that she needs to get her hormones checked out by a REALLY good endocrinologist, preferably one well-versed in looking for problems based on symptoms and THEN lab values, as opposed to saying well, she's within normal limits. She may be within normal limits, but a certain level of a certain hormone in her is what makes her feel better and she doesn't have it. It's like saying that based on your age and weight, your normal shoe size is between sizes 6 and 10. Does that mean if you're wearing a size 7 and you're a size 9 your feet won't hurt because you're "within normal limits"? Anyways, see if you can get her to go to a doctor and get checked out.

 

[max999999]

Number one seems to be the best way to go. If you've been sexless for that long, I personally don't see that changing...stop trying to figure out her reasons, and take care of yourself. I know that sounds selfish, but I think she is being that way, too. She obviously doesn't wish to make things better in that department.

good luck.

My friend, having experienced the exact same situation (timeframes included) in my own previous marriage, I agree wholeheartedly with M468h and nipple jewlry.

 

[avidread]

Doleika, as a lady who is married, I want to tell you my thoughts re your wife, and her serious problem.....of which you are suffering the consequences.
Sex is a very important part of marriage, and I feel your wife does indeed have either a very strong psychological problem (which could be sorted) or is sadly, as others have said, lacking in hormones.....this too can be easily fixed....if she is willing to see right physician for tests and treatment plan.
If I was in your situation I would sit her down, hold her hand, assure her that she is loved, but she needs help, and that you are willing to accompany her to whatever physcian/s she feels comfy with.
The fact she has 'functioned' sexually before displays, to me, that she is suffering - but doing so quietly without bringing you in on her problem.
You were right to 'out' this woe, and read shared views.....plod on, be nicely insistent, and I feel she will come around. Celibacy in marriage - in my opinion only - is not right.....you have plenty of time when you are both very very old withered and white haired to sit around and not enjoy sex.....mind you, many oldies do still enjoy a health sex life....good on them too!!
Good Luck!

 

[Sensualist2]

I love your attitude!!


here's my story
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=397024

 

[sterculius]

I may have missed it, but I don't recall having read if, during the conversations you've had with your wife,you asked whether she expects you to acquiesce to her imposition upon you,of a celibate lifestyle, or if she would understand that you might want to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

 

[pussy_liquor]

ahhh let her fuck another man! She'll perk right up!

 

[plesmoreagain]

.....

 

[Tyr51]

Losing one's libido is scary. When you're in a committed relationship, it becomes even more difficult because there is guilt associated with it. The worst part of depression (my own thing; I'm not suggesting this is your wife's problem) was how terrible I felt by pulling others into it. The medication I take makes orgasms much harder, and so I have learned to be enthusiastic even when a happy ending isn't in my cards. That's all fine. I HATE the idea of leaving my husband without something more satisfactory. When it is late enough at night, I don't even want him to think about me. I will have more fun with him doing his thing than if I worry if I'm ringing the bells he'd like me to ring, so to speak.

During those hours, I just want to feel him inside of me, hear him breathe harder, press his flesh against mine, and groan that he loves me. We can work on my orgasm at other times

We have invested in some very good toys. I recommend that wholeheartedly.

I have learned that there is no "normal." There is only what you're willing and happy to do. Same for him. I wish you all the love and luck in the world!

 

[Showdolly1]

Doleika, as a lady who is married, I want to tell you my thoughts re your wife, and her serious problem.....of which you are suffering the consequences.
Sex is a very important part of marriage, and I feel your wife does indeed have either a very strong psychological problem (which could be sorted) or is sadly, as others have said, lacking in hormones.....this too can be easily fixed....if she is willing to see right physician for tests and treatment plan.
If I was in your situation I would sit her down, hold her hand, assure her that she is loved, but she needs help, and that you are willing to accompany her to whatever physcian/s she feels comfy with.
The fact she has 'functioned' sexually before displays, to me, that she is suffering - but doing so quietly without bringing you in on her problem.
You were right to 'out' this woe, and read shared views.....plod on, be nicely insistent, and I feel she will come around. Celibacy in marriage - in my opinion only - is not right.....you have plenty of time when you are both very very old withered and white haired to sit around and not enjoy sex.....mind you, many oldies do still enjoy a health sex life....good on them too!!
Good Luck!

This. All of it.

How is her relationship with her father?

Shame can be ingrained in a person through more ways than sexual abuse. It’s also possible that she WAS abused and 1) doesn’t remember it, 2) doesn’t realize it was abuse, 3) was made the object of someone’s sick lust and made to fulfill their odd and seemingly non-sexual kinks in a way she didn’t even realize... or any number of other things. Counseling by someone who understands these kinds of things would be invaluable.

I may could offer more ideas or help through pm. (My preference.) I may can help you figure out a root cause and even help you to help free her from it. It’s kind of what I do... long explanation.

PS - I’m in a similar but not identical situation. My just, though, does tolerate sex as regularly as he can, for my sake. It’s painful to know that he has to “make himself” be with me. I have a story too. I do understand. <3

 

[Niceguyjay]

Probably not a PC response

I have read many posts/forums and looked at many sites regarding this problem. Although I’m in a similar scenario myself, albeit not the same timescales you talk about in your post. We first got together in senior school and we are now in our mid 40’s. Sex has never been a top priority for my wife, but before getting married and kids, it was a more important factor in our lives.
My wife always found it difficult to let herself go and just the mention of anything sexual was a battle for her. We have talked a million time about our sex life or lack of it over the years.

She has always found the thought of sex as being dirty/naughty in some way and avoids any conversation I try and bring up. Having our first child just made it an easy excuse to hide behind and rebuff my advances. That was until we wanted to try for another baby. Although I love any kind of sex/ intimacy and will take whatever I can get, it was more like a means to an end for her.

Don’t get me wrong, when we have a bit, she enjoyed it, but only after we had started and relaxed.
I hope this is sound familiar to at least some people?

Things got worse after the kids arrived. I got all the usual excuses about being tired, it’s not appropriate with the kids around, or leading me into the land of promise by saying stop trying it on, you can have it later after the kids are leaving n bed. I bet you could take a wild guess as to what happened?
Later arrived and she would go to bed early, to avoid me and if I tried she would how tired she was and say sorry!!

After reading a fair few response to the original post, I have to say that I can’t agree with lots of the advice given. I guess this is not the PC part but it’s just my thoughts and my point of view!!

Firstly, to the OP, if the situation came to the point where you couldn’t work this problem out and separaterated, would you say that she would be happy with being on her own for the rest of her life??
If you got to point where all hope was lost and finally working out that sex was never going to impove and reluctantly split up because of that??
What a selfish bastard would a common comment banded about.
Complete bs if you ask me and for a number of reasons...

Chances are, if you separated , that after a period time she would meet someone new. Probably more likely you would be to blame and she would be encouraged to go out and get over how bad you had treated her. Plenty more fish in the sea, you’re better off without him, etc,etc...
With the blame firmly on you, there is no feeling of guilt and I’m going to show him attitude, some of these thing will happen.
New haircut, new outfit and underwear, a lot more sexier than anything she has worn for years, put on her sexier more revealing outfit, go out and stay out late or go to a club, flirt and get off with the first guy who she finds attractive and chats her up. If it happens on her first night or not, she will jump into bed with a virtual stranger and have a one night stand or start the beginnings of a new chapter in her life.
I could be totally wrong but I don’t think I am.
As with the OP situation, he has spent years tring to convince his wife how much he loves her and 100’s of hours trying to resolve, what is important to him, what is lacking in the relationship for him!!
After years of showing his in devoted love and saying how sexy his wife is and how much he is upset for having to beg and feel bad for putting her under pressure, she does exactly what he wanted and if not more with a complete stranger!!

All the comments about counseling and trying to figure out what he can do/try is rubbish!! The excuse of being tired and sex has to be put on hold because she is not happy or doesn’t want it is just selfish. What about the man that is probably stuck in a job he hates for at least 40 hours a week, if not more, to provide for his family?? Is it unreasonable for his wife to appreciate what sacrifices he makes and put out for him on occasion without him having to beg?? Let’s face it even if he was a stayer it’s only going to last minutes rather than hours!!
I can’t understand why this is such a problem!! Why can’t women see that doing something like that will make for a better relationship and a happy husband.
In my opinion partners/husbands don’t ask for that much and on the whole feed and f**k them is all we need.

My last point is,sorry it’s so long, if it’s so much of a problem for her and makes her so unhappy, just leave and put him out of his misery!!

 

[mmmscurious]

I wonder what became of the OP. Given the age of this thread and the fact that it's been almost as long since he posted, my soul aches at the thought that he'd now be in a sexless marriage for 30 years!

I wonder why we put up with it? I was in one for 15 years and kept hoping that things would get better. They never did. While my marriage eventually ended, it wasn't directly because of the lack of sex but rather my activities when I finally decided that I'd had enough. I'm not proud that I did the things that I did, but life would have been much simpler and far less painful for everyone involved if I'd had the courage to move on years earlier.

Well, I suppose that you live and learn.