A married man's question

[Bramblethorn]

We first got together in senior school and we are now in our mid 40’s. Sex has never been a top priority for my wife, but before getting married and kids, it was a more important factor in our lives.

Kids change things, and not just sex. I've had several social groups fall apart because people had babies and didn't have the time/energy to invest in keeping up regular contact. It's frustrating, but yeah, anybody having kids needs to understand that a lot of other things are going to suffer.

My wife always found it difficult to let herself go and just the mention of anything sexual was a battle for her...She has always found the thought of sex as being dirty/naughty in some way and avoids any conversation I try and bring up.

curious: were you aware of this before you married her?

All the comments about counseling and trying to figure out what he can do/try is rubbish!! The excuse of being tired and sex has to be put on hold because she is not happy or doesn’t want it is just selfish.

Nobody is ever entitled to sex from somebody who doesn't want it. If you're treating it like an entitlement, then that's not going to put her in the mood.

Don't assume that tiredness is an excuse. Housework and parenting can be exhausting.

Is it unreasonable for his wife to appreciate what sacrifices he makes and put out for him on occasion without him having to beg?? Let’s face it even if he was a stayer it’s only going to last minutes rather than hours!!

"Don't worry, it'll be over quickly" is, uh, not an attractive offer.

My last point is,sorry it’s so long, if it’s so much of a problem for her and makes her so unhappy, just leave and put him out of his misery!!

There's no "just leave". Even when a relationship isn't working well, even for somebody who has their own income, leaving is a huge and difficult life change. Surely you understand this, or why are you still in this unsatisfying relationship with your wife?

 

[TabulaRasa62]

It may be impolitic to say, but I always regret not having an affair during my first marriage. It had become sexless and dry and my sense of duty and loyalty lead to years of sexual frustration.

If you can see yourself to unburdening the guilt bits, see an escort ... seriously ... it may break the patterns without risking the emotional barriers. At the risk of sounding crude, go get fucked.

 

[jackbird]

sexless marriage

Been with my wife for 38 years. We stop having sex 7 years ago after she went though menopause. She lost interest plus we started doing it the same old way on our sides me behind her with her using a vibrator on her clit. Before menopause we had a very kinky sex life. Lots of oral sex, role play, anal, dress play, sex in public places, we done it all but no swinging just us, we even done golden showers. Can't explain why now not into it anymore. The first 37 years it was hot often and all the time. The only thing that change was her going though menopause.

 

[ChasingAnna]

I have tried explaining that I see the sex more as a way of being close with her than just fucking.

One line struck me, "I have tried explaining that I see the sex more as a way of being close with her than just fucking."

What I hear is that you are primarily concerned with the lack of intimacy, and you view sex as the main component of that.

If I were to take a guess, I would suspect her libido is low and she feels you are pressuring her to have sex when she really isn't feeling it. She may even feel it's being demanded of her (regardless of your intent) which may be making her even less interested.

What I'd do is to set the sex aside, and discuss the lack of intimacy apart from sex. Explain that you are feeling rejected and that it would really help you if she tried to be more affectionate in day to day life regardless of sex. A shoulder rub, an arm around her while watching a movie, small stuff that doesn't need to lead anywhere.

If you can disentangle the sex from the underlying issues, you can deal with those root causes easier. (And as a bonus, when the root causes are dealt with, the sex is likely to come back on it's own)

 

[DecoySA39WM]

Sounds like I could have written this. Just glad to know Im not the only one. I honestly think my wife is not attracted to me anymore. Before our marrige she use to fuck any dick. Now its just a sad ol story..

 

[Smoothshavendad]

Sounds like I could have written this. Just glad to know Im not the only one. I honestly think my wife is not attracted to me anymore. Before our marrige she use to fuck any dick. Now its just a sad ol story..

The flame has died after 34 yrs...