A Quandary...

[@}-}rebecca----]

I have friends that I carry on certain a certian D/s relationship with. We both know that there is no romatic involement. I care for them dearly as I do all of my friends, but there isn't any love there beyond a frendship level. We scene, we cuddle, we share our day, our week, talk about everything and anything. I've served in cooking, cleaning, sewing and even bathing these friends. For me it fills a void that Master simply can't at this time. He's aware of my relationship with my friends, and has suported it thru our entire relationship. I don't like the term River used "slap and tickle" but for the most part I guess that would be correct. We hang out, talk, maybe eat, then my ass gets turned lovely shades of red, purple, and black, and we watch tv, talk maybe cuddle maybe shower. On occation that leads to a very comfy sleeping arangement full of cuddles and the random pinch of a nipple. I guess the strangest part is how comfortable it all feels. It doesn't feel odd at all, it just feels natural, and nothing has ever been forced. *shrug* but that's me

Wench thanks for sharing though it appears you and I define for ourselves and rightly so as the case may be very different definitions as to what D/s relationships entail. There is no actual comparison that I can draw from your comments. As your Dominant supports your choices I can only be happy for you.

 

[JMohegan]

I know people can have a BDSM relationship without an emotional attachment and some also call it a D/s relationship.
But I can't imagine allowing someone to use me if I think they have no emotional attachment to me at all.
For a start I would not feel I could completly trust them

I know some for whom the optimum D/s relationship is closer to an employer/employee relationship than a romantic partnership.

Boundaries and expectations are clearly negotiated and delineated for the long tem, and deep trust, respect, and appreciation are present.

However, the partners are not interested in emotional exchanges of the type that one expects to observe between spouses or traditional SOs. Hopes & dreams, joys & sorrows, triumphs & failures outside the parameters of the relationship itself are simply not discussed or shared. Romantic tenderness is not desired in this context.

For a variety of reasons, this is what works best for the people involved.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Maybe I'm reading this differently, but it was my understanding that he was sharing more with the new sub that he has in the past, but didn't say that he didn't share these same feelings and events with his real.

Perhaps your right, but I am at a loss as to how this quote from him equates to him sharing information equally between the 2 women;

"However we are being open and honest about our feelings, mainly my sub and I."

Frankly, looking back over some posts I am questioning the authenticity of the whole situation...one post he says he has been doing this with his SO's permission for 6 years, another he says it has been 8 years. Either way, if it is real, it is his problem to sort out and I am sure it will work in his favour one way or another.

Catalina

 

[shy slave]

I know some for whom the optimum D/s relationship is closer to an employer/employee relationship than a romantic partnership.

Boundaries and expectations are clearly negotiated and delineated for the long tem, and deep trust, respect, and appreciation are present.

However, the partners are not interested in emotional exchanges of the type that one expects to observe between spouses or traditional SOs. Hopes & dreams, joys & sorrows, triumphs & failures outside the parameters of the relationship itself are simply not discussed or shared. Romantic tenderness is not desired in this context.

For a variety of reasons, this is what works best for the people involved.

Thanks for explaining that.

I am far too emotional for that type of situation to work out for me in any long term event.

I have fucked vanilla men without registering who they were, but I never wanted more than a 'one off fuck' from them.

Maybe that makes me hypocrictical or shallow but I do see it as different.
Any man I have had more than just a one off event with, I have wanted to get to know and have some form of emotional relationship with. It may not have been 'romance' or hearts and flowers (I still don't need or want that stuff) but I was interested in them and their well-being.
Anything else is too prescriptive for me.
However I can't help but admire those it works for

 

[riverofshudder]

Catalina, thank you so much for assuming, inferring and drawing your own conclusions. I've tried to hold my tongue on your rants but I can't, this is far to personal now.

I put a very personal question out on a public forum on the internet and was ready for the good and bad. However you rubbed a raw nerve. Your general attitude that no one else can be right but you (oh I forgot, you admit to not being perfect or knowing all the answers) yet you sure don't behave like that. You don't know who I am or the two important people are in my life in regards to this issue. I'd appreciate you keeping your opinions and inferences out of it. I've been nothing but 100% open and honest in the post and you've been nothing but preachy and arrogant.

I "left" the BDSM scene proper in NYC years ago because of people like you. It was another message board at another time and other people...but there is always someone like you. You know, the one who expects everyone to bow down to them and follow every word that they grace us with. Maybe BDSM attracts people like you because you can be a big fish in a small pond, who knows, but there are always people like you.

You are free to your opinions, I can't nor won't, stop you from voicing them. You are not free to twist my words and read between the lines to get what you want out of them to serve whatever little game of self gratification that goes on in your mind.

If you don't believe what I wrote here, fine...I could care less but stop adding your twisted views into it. Believe what you want...because I know you will. I obviously can't even compare myself and my "meaningless" experiences in BDSM with your greatness. I'm sure your fans and followers here will pile on me now, it's happened twice since I've been back on Lit and that is been less than three months.

For a community, be it Lit or BDSM, that always claims to be open and accepting it sure is never the case. Thank you for proving how closed minded and judgmental these worlds (Lit & BDSM) can be.

To everyone else who offered advice or an opinion, good or bad, thank you.

 

[Etoile]

I'm inclined to agree. Catalina, you know I am honest and I try to remain neutral too. But I agree with the OP that it seems like you're assigning a level of morality to the situation without considering other possibilities. To be honest, I found your posts on this thread unnecessarily harsh, and I was rather surprised to read them. I think it's possible that you jumped down the OP's throat in this situation. Even if he is trying to twist things for his own benefit, I don't think it's being done consciously. I wouldn't think a subconscious act was deserving of such ire. I'm not trying to attack you personally - I know you have seen me flirt with people in one thread while arguing with them in another, so please don't take this as a personal reflection. It's just how I see your posts in this thread.

By the way, I think a phrase that might fit well is "play partner" - lots of people in the leather community use that word. I would have said it is the OP's "play partner" for whom he is developing deeper feelings, rather than calling his girlfriend a "real relationship."

I have my own thoughts on the OP's situation but they will have to wait until I am at a real computer and not on my cell phone. Typing is hard with just thumbs...

 

[JMohegan]

Thanks for explaining that.

I am far too emotional for that type of situation to work out for me in any long term event.

I have fucked vanilla men without registering who they were, but I never wanted more than a 'one off fuck' from them.

Maybe that makes me hypocrictical or shallow but I do see it as different.
Any man I have had more than just a one off event with, I have wanted to get to know and have some form of emotional relationship with. It may not have been 'romance' or hearts and flowers (I still don't need or want that stuff) but I was interested in them and their well-being.
Anything else is too prescriptive for me.
However I can't help but admire those it works for

You're welcome.

Being a guy, I of course am rarely emotional about anything. ;o)

Nevertheless, that type of arrangement doesn't work for me either.

Like you, though, I admire those with the self-awareness and willingness to buck social conventions and frame a relationship that suits their needs.