any ideas?

[lick_my_clit_69]

What can I say, FungiUg. I'm impatient but I'm hoping this will be a learning experience for both me and my husband. For me, learning to be more patient and more submissive in areas of our relationship and for him, to be more dominant and creative. We'll see. And don't worry. I'll be sure to keep you posted on what happens. I think it's only fair to let you guys know what's going on after all the advice, tips and help you've given me. Thanks again.

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

update

You know, I'm really starting to think that the only reason he agreed to try this is to make me happy. He doesn't seem excited or even the least bit interested in this stuff. He does this all the time. Does things he dosn't really want to do just to make me happy or to shut me up.

I don't know. I'm starting to think this was just a waste of time. He has never taken initiative when it comes to sex. I've always been the one to initiate things. I don't know what made me think he'd start now. Oh, well.At least I tried.

Another reason I wanted him to try this is because he just hasn't wanted to make love to me lately and i was kinda hoping this would spark his intrest. I guess not. May be he's just not attracted to me anymore. *sigh*

O.k. enough ranting and feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to thank you guys for your help and advice. If nothing else, I've learned some new things. Thanks again.

~lick~

 

[FungiUg]

Hon, if he's not dominant... he's not. It's that simple.

By all means give him avenues to discover whether he is, but be prepared for the big NOT.

I do wish you all the best of luck.

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

He's just not dominant. I know that now. I was kinda hoping there might be some part of him that was, but it was just wishful thinking. I try getting him to try new things, but he's just not open to it. Hell, getting him to even WANT to have sex with me is like pulling teeth. I was just hoping that if I gave him a way to be in total control, he'd enjoy it more and want to be with me more, but again, wishful thinking. Like I said before, may be he's just not attracted to me anymore.

I'm just going to go back to trying to find someone to have my first f/f experience with and forget about being in a D/s relationship with my hubby. Hell, I might as well say I am in a D/s relationship except I'm the dom and he's the sub. I just have to face the fact that this is how it is and how it always will be.

Don't mind me. Just having a bad day. I'll stop whining complaining now.

~lick~

 

[ChainedEros]

*smiles*

Don't worry Lick. You'll survive.



Sometimes marriage is about sacrifice, you know?

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Yeah, I know. I just never thought the sacrifice would be sex. You know, we have other problems in our marriage that I can deal with, but others really make me think of leaving him. He doesn't seem to be real happy in our marriage and I guess in the back of my mind I was hoping this would bring the spark back. But you know what really sucks? We've only been married 6 months. How could the spark be gone so fast? I don't know, but like I said, it's been a bad day, I'm home alone with my daughter and just feel bummed today and have no one to talk to. I'll be fine though. Thanks.

~lick~

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... But you know what really sucks? We've only been married 6 months. How could the spark be gone so fast? ... I'll be fine though ...

i've looked at this countless times, from the beginning of the post to the brutal end.

Part wants to console.

Part wants to grieve with you.

Part wants to shake my head, and just fucking walk away.

Funny thing happened as i turned and started to move.

i remembered the definition of passive/aggressive ...

If you settle, you settle. Deal with the consequences, and always wonder "What if," for the rest of your life. Lay on your deathbed and whisper, "Rosebud." Go straight to hell for plagiarism, and intent not action.

Better to grab life by the balls, or pearl depending on your POV.

Enough is enough.

 

[bunny bondage]

waitwaitwait, we've got a guy here who doesn't want sex?!?!




are you surehe's a guy?


now, i'm not in your situation, i don't even know you, but i do think that you deserve to be satisfied with your life-partner and you just don't seem to be.

i'm not saying jump the gun and file for divorce, but rather that you should look into ways which will grant you the fulfillment you're obviously lacking. nothing secretive like having a steamy affair in cheap motel 6 rooms, but perhaps something online....or something....again i find myself seriously lacking in the advice department...

i just think you should be happy, cuz well, as far as i know, we've only got this one life to live.

 

[niteshade]

waitwaitwait, we've got a guy here who doesn't want sex?!?!




are you surehe's a guy?


now, i'm not in your situation, i don't even know you, but i do think that you deserve to be satisfied with your life-partner and you just don't seem to be.

i'm not saying jump the gun and file for divorce, but rather that you should look into ways which will grant you the fulfillment you're obviously lacking. nothing secretive like having a steamy affair in cheap motel 6 rooms, but perhaps something online....or something....again i find myself seriously lacking in the advice department...

i just think you should be happy, cuz well, as far as i know, we've only got this one life to live.

Yeah, I think I am with bunny on this one.

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Well, I'm not planning on divorcing him, yet, but I do agree that I need to be satisfied and he's certainly not doing that.

A while ago, we decided to have an open marriage. I'm not wanting to be with another man, so I've been trying to find a woman. That seems almost impossible to do, so I thought I might try to introduce him to something new. Try to get the spark back, but it's not the spark that's missing. It's his attraction to me. So, I'm just going to try to find satisfaction elsewhere.

Speaking of which, if anyone has any ideas on where to meet some women, please let me know. I've tried everything. I have countless personals on the net, I've looked through the threads on here, my town doesn't have a club to go to and I'm just about to give up. I'm really eager to have my first f/f experience, but can't find anyone who will help me. So, if any of you have any ideas, please let me know.

~lick~

 

[FungiUg]

Hmmm... I had the option to stay in a marriage where my partner wasn't sexually attracted to me. (She's gay.) I thought at the time that it would end up with the two of us hating each other, and decided the best idea was to go our separate ways. It hurt like hell, but it was the best decision.

I cannot, in all honesty, recommend staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive. Either fix it, or get out. You only get one shot at life, so why waste it on someone who doesn't really want to be with you? An open relationship is fine, but if you're not into each other, then why bother with a relationship at all?

As for finding someone, I've said it before, I will no doubt say it again. Patience. Patience patience patience. It takes time. There is no such thing as "Instant Mistress (just add water.)" If you want to get picked up for sex, go to a bar. If you want a relationship, you need to meet the right person, and that takes TIME.

I have to agree with AA ('cause he's holding a knife to my throat ) Grab life by the balls. Life's what you make of it, and if you "settle" for less, then less is what you will get.

No, I'm not saying divorce him. Well, not yet anyway. But I'd be having some VERY frank discussions with my partner about now (been there, done that) to see if you can chart a way forward where you both get what you want. And it may come down to the best way forward being to separate. If so... well, life is like that at times, and better to separate while you still care for each other than wait for the resentment and hate to settle in (which it will.)

Whatever your decision... it's a hard place to be, I know. But give yourself time, and don't back down from what you need, and you'll end up much happier for it.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... I have to agree with AA ('cause he's holding a knife to my throat ) ...

This little ole thing?

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Hmmm... I had the option to stay in a marriage where my partner wasn't sexually attracted to me. (She's gay.) I thought at the time that it would end up with the two of us hating each other, and decided the best idea was to go our separate ways. It hurt like hell, but it was the best decision.

I cannot, in all honesty, recommend staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive. Either fix it, or get out. You only get one shot at life, so why waste it on someone who doesn't really want to be with you? An open relationship is fine, but if you're not into each other, then why bother with a relationship at all?

As for finding someone, I've said it before, I will no doubt say it again. Patience. Patience patience patience. It takes time. There is no such thing as "Instant Mistress (just add water.)" If you want to get picked up for sex, go to a bar. If you want a relationship, you need to meet the right person, and that takes TIME.

I have to agree with AA ('cause he's holding a knife to my throat ) Grab life by the balls. Life's what you make of it, and if you "settle" for less, then less is what you will get.

No, I'm not saying divorce him. Well, not yet anyway. But I'd be having some VERY frank discussions with my partner about now (been there, done that) to see if you can chart a way forward where you both get what you want. And it may come down to the best way forward being to separate. If so... well, life is like that at times, and better to separate while you still care for each other than wait for the resentment and hate to settle in (which it will.)

Whatever your decision... it's a hard place to be, I know. But give yourself time, and don't back down from what you need, and you'll end up much happier for it.

We've been talking about getting marriage counseling, but don't really have the means to do that. I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. I just think that we're under so much stress right now that it's causing problems in our marriage.

I've thought of leaving him many times (at least seperating from him), but at the moment, I don't have the means to support myself or our daughter by myself. He's done some things that have put a big strain on our marriage and I've told him that the only reason he's still with me is because of our money situation. Since then, I've forgiven him for what he did and he's been getting better, but some of the the problems remain. I'm going to do everything I can to try to work things out, but if we weren't meant to be, then so be it.

As for the patience thing. Like I said before, I'm just an impatient person. I aways have been, but I know it takes a while to meet someone. I'm still very young (21) and have my whole life to meet someone. The bar scene isn't really my thing and I really would like to become friends with the woman first before anything.

Thanks for your insight, FungiUg. You've given me some things to think about.

~lick~

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Hmmm... I had the option to stay in a marriage where my partner wasn't sexually attracted to me. (She's gay.) I thought at the time that it would end up with the two of us hating each other, and decided the best idea was to go our separate ways. It hurt like hell, but it was the best decision.

I cannot, in all honesty, recommend staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive. Either fix it, or get out. You only get one shot at life, so why waste it on someone who doesn't really want to be with you? An open relationship is fine, but if you're not into each other, then why bother with a relationship at all?

As for finding someone, I've said it before, I will no doubt say it again. Patience. Patience patience patience. It takes time. There is no such thing as "Instant Mistress (just add water.)" If you want to get picked up for sex, go to a bar. If you want a relationship, you need to meet the right person, and that takes TIME.

I have to agree with AA ('cause he's holding a knife to my throat ) Grab life by the balls. Life's what you make of it, and if you "settle" for less, then less is what you will get.

No, I'm not saying divorce him. Well, not yet anyway. But I'd be having some VERY frank discussions with my partner about now (been there, done that) to see if you can chart a way forward where you both get what you want. And it may come down to the best way forward being to separate. If so... well, life is like that at times, and better to separate while you still care for each other than wait for the resentment and hate to settle in (which it will.)

Whatever your decision... it's a hard place to be, I know. But give yourself time, and don't back down from what you need, and you'll end up much happier for it.

We've been talking about getting marriage counseling, but don't really have the means to do that. I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. I just think that we're under so much stress right now that it's causing problems in our marriage.

I've thought of leaving him many times (at least seperating from him), but at the moment, I don't have the means to support myself or our daughter by myself. He's done some things that have put a big strain on our marriage and I've told him that the only reason he's still with me is because of our money situation. Since then, I've forgiven him for what he did and he's been getting better, but some of the the problems remain. I'm going to do everything I can to try to work things out, but if we weren't meant to be, then so be it.

As for the patience thing. Like I said before, I'm just an impatient person. I aways have been, but I know it takes a while to meet someone. I'm still very young (21) and have my whole life to meet someone. The bar scene isn't really my thing and I really would like to become friends with the woman first before anything.

Thanks for your insight, FungiUg. You've given me some things to think about.

~lick~

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Hmmm... I had the option to stay in a marriage where my partner wasn't sexually attracted to me. (She's gay.) I thought at the time that it would end up with the two of us hating each other, and decided the best idea was to go our separate ways. It hurt like hell, but it was the best decision.

I cannot, in all honesty, recommend staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive. Either fix it, or get out. You only get one shot at life, so why waste it on someone who doesn't really want to be with you? An open relationship is fine, but if you're not into each other, then why bother with a relationship at all?

As for finding someone, I've said it before, I will no doubt say it again. Patience. Patience patience patience. It takes time. There is no such thing as "Instant Mistress (just add water.)" If you want to get picked up for sex, go to a bar. If you want a relationship, you need to meet the right person, and that takes TIME.

I have to agree with AA ('cause he's holding a knife to my throat ) Grab life by the balls. Life's what you make of it, and if you "settle" for less, then less is what you will get.

No, I'm not saying divorce him. Well, not yet anyway. But I'd be having some VERY frank discussions with my partner about now (been there, done that) to see if you can chart a way forward where you both get what you want. And it may come down to the best way forward being to separate. If so... well, life is like that at times, and better to separate while you still care for each other than wait for the resentment and hate to settle in (which it will.)

Whatever your decision... it's a hard place to be, I know. But give yourself time, and don't back down from what you need, and you'll end up much happier for it.

We've been talking about getting marriage counseling, but don't really have the means to do that. I love my husband very much and I know he loves me. I just think that we're under so much stress right now that it's causing problems in our marriage.

I've thought of leaving him many times (at least seperating from him), but at the moment, I don't have the means to support myself or our daughter by myself. He's done some things that have put a big strain on our marriage and I've told him that the only reason he's still with me is because of our money situation. Since then, I've forgiven him for what he did and he's been getting better, but some of the the problems remain. I'm going to do everything I can to make things work, but if we weren't meant to be, then so be it.

As for the patience thing. Like I said before, I'm just an impatient person. I always have been, but I know it takes a while. I'm not expecting a women to just fall out the sky and into my lap and say "take me." I'm still very young (21) and have my whole life to meet someone. The bar scene isn't really my thing and I really would like to become friends with the woman first before anything. I was just wondering if there was anyplace (other than bars and personals) to meet a woman. Places on the net would be better for me. I'm not able to get around very easy because I'm without a car at the moment.

Anyway, thanks for your insight, FungiUg. You've given me some things to think about.

~lick~

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

oops!

Damn. I didn't mean to post the same thing 3 times! My damn p.o.s. computer was acting up again and I can't delete them for whatever reason. Oh well. Please excuse my mess up.

~lick~

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

This is what happens when people think with their genitals.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

This is what happens when people think with their genitals.

... or open their mouths without their brains engaged.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Well,

As a female dominant with male submissives, I have found that a man is submissive or has submissive tendencies or he is not submissive or he does not have submissive tendencies.

If a male does not have the need to give up power to another, I am not sure you can teach him. He needs to have the tendency, I think.

So if he is not dominant, I do not think you can change him.

 

[Valcorie]

More ideas...

i am be no means an authority on the subject on D/s. However, i am in a similar boat. My husband is a dominant person but afraid to do anything like that in the bedroom. i believe he also has some misconceptions about BDSM.

One thing that i tried that worked was if i was on top and he asked me to go faster, i might purposly go slow and tease him. Say like this? He of course would get a little frusterated and say no FASTER! Which i would respond by teasing and saying "make me." Wich gave him the green light to spank me, or what ever little punishment he thought of, wich i liked. Then he got what he wanted. When he relised that i liked it, then he didn't mind doing it now and again. It sort of forced him to act in a dominat way in the bedroom, wich he didn't feel comfortable doing on his own.

Perhaps just find a way to incorperate a little bit into your sex life now and again. Or find out what his fantasies are and work them into it.

Good luck!

 

[SirTain]

I'm a little horrified by the turn this thread has taken by suggesting encouragement of divorce after only six months of marriage and wherein a child is involved. I'm divorced, so speaking from experience, marriage very very often changes a couple that was blissful when just living together. Often our expectations of ourselves and each other change, sometimes quite dramatically. What my ex-wife and I couldn't manage to do well was talk about it.

In the same vein, before trying to cultivate someone's dominance, I would address the lack of sexual interest in the first place. What's that all about? Is he overworking? Bad diet? Preoccupied with now being a "husband" and having to "support a family"? Overwhelmed by a wife suddenly turned kinky? Don't underestimate the impact of labels like these on a person's stress level. Similarly, try keeping the labels out of your new interests in BDSM, they may be too intimidating. Remember, our society-at-large portrays men as "pigs", always horny ready to pop the first pussy they can catch. I assure you that that stereotype is not universally true (I know plenty of guys who talk a good game and then turn into ice statues when the opportunity arises). Moreover, because of that stereotype, it can be very emotionally debilitating for a man to confront a drop in his sex drive, for whatever reason, and particularly for a younger man. Playboy and beer commercials say it ain't supposed to ever happen. Well, it does, and the number of men under 40 suffering from impotence is staggering (checked the success of Viagar sales lately?).

Finally, what do you want? Do you want to be a bedroom submissive? or extend your submission beyond the bedroom a la a slave? If the latter, maybe start doing for him the things he doesn't like to do around the house like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. As suggested above, ask his permission to do things. If you're the dominant, stop being dominant and act like a submissive. If that's what you really want and he doesn't want any part of it, hey, then you've got some major compatibility issues. But be sure of that before you start talking divorce. Just a suggestion. My ex and I both wholeheartedly agree that divorcing was the kindest thing we could have done for each other, but that didn't make it any less of an emotionally and psychologically brutalizing experience...and we didn't have any kids to think about.

You can't change people, but you can help them to discover parts of themselves they didn't know existed but it takes time, a lot of talking and, if you're lucky, trust.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

... or open their mouths without their brains engaged.

That is the closest to a coherent post I have ever seen from you.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I'm a little horrified by the turn this thread has taken by suggesting encouragement of divorce after only six months of marriage and wherein a child is involved. I'm divorced, so speaking from experience, marriage very very often changes a couple that was blissful when just living together. Often our expectations of ourselves and each other change, sometimes quite dramatically. What my ex-wife and I couldn't manage to do well was talk about it.

In the same vein, before trying to cultivate someone's dominance, I would address the lack of sexual interest in the first place. What's that all about? Is he overworking? Bad diet? Preoccupied with now being a "husband" and having to "support a family"? Overwhelmed by a wife suddenly turned kinky? Don't underestimate the impact of labels like these on a person's stress level. Similarly, try keeping the labels out of your new interests in BDSM, they may be too intimidating. Remember, our society-at-large portrays men as "pigs", always horny ready to pop the first pussy they can catch. I assure you that that stereotype is not universally true (I know plenty of guys who talk a good game and then turn into ice statues when the opportunity arises). Moreover, because of that stereotype, it can be very emotionally debilitating for a man to confront a drop in his sex drive, for whatever reason, and particularly for a younger man. Playboy and beer commercials say it ain't supposed to ever happen. Well, it does, and the number of men under 40 suffering from impotence is staggering (checked the success of Viagar sales lately?).

Finally, what do you want? Do you want to be a bedroom submissive? or extend your submission beyond the bedroom a la a slave? If the latter, maybe start doing for him the things he doesn't like to do around the house like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. As suggested above, ask his permission to do things. If you're the dominant, stop being dominant and act like a submissive. If that's what you really want and he doesn't want any part of it, hey, then you've got some major compatibility issues. But be sure of that before you start talking divorce. Just a suggestion. My ex and I both wholeheartedly agree that divorcing was the kindest thing we could have done for each other, but that didn't make it any less of an emotionally and psychologically brutalizing experience...and we didn't have any kids to think about.

You can't change people, but you can help them to discover parts of themselves they didn't know existed but it takes time, a lot of talking and, if you're lucky, trust.

However, all of this just goes to show how important it is for people to be honest and open about their needs from the very beginning.

I personally rather be alone than have to try to change my fundamental personality to be in a relationship, D/s or conventional.

In this and other threads, we find out the consequences of not really knowing what needs are necessary for happiness.

I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I do have a child, and I did not marry her father because I know it was a bad relationship that would only get worse.

I do find it dismaying that people find it easy to relinquish themselves from the vows they take when things get rough.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

That is the closest to a coherent post I have ever seen from you.

Pity i can't return the same compliment.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Maybe not dominant

After thinking the situation over, I believe it is possible that a man can learn to be less submissive. And if there is a Dominant spark in him, he may learn to enhance that part of his personality.

But I believe it would be a progressive endeavor, and it would take a period of time. Patience would be needed to cultivate the desired behaviours.