any ideas?

[Johnny Mayberry]

However, all of this just goes to show how important it is for people to be honest and open about their needs from the very beginning.

I personally rather be alone than have to try to change my fundamental personality to be in a relationship, D/s or conventional.

In this and other threads, we find out the consequences of not really knowing what needs are necessary for happiness.

I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I do have a child, and I did not marry her father because I know it was a bad relationship that would only get worse.

I do find it dismaying that people find it easy to relinquish themselves from the vows they take when things get rough.

Amen!!

It is a shame that people wait to go on these journeys of exploration after they get marries, instead of figuring out who they are and what they want beforehand...oh well.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Amen!!

It is a shame that people wait to go on these journeys of exploration after they get marries, instead of figuring out who they are and what they want beforehand...oh well.

Hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?

We all makes errors, one way or another.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?

We all makes errors, one way or another.

Yep..then it is a question of whether we make every attempt to resolve the issue, make sacrifices to come to an agreement, or just carpet bomb the fucker.

 

[FungiUg]

I do find it dismaying that people find it easy to relinquish themselves from the vows they take when things get rough.

People do break up, divorce, move on, much easier now that they every have done. It's a reality of life.

My point of view is this: what is best for all involved? Even with a child, staying in a loveless relationship where the parents are not happy with each other is not the "best" for anyone. On the other hand, if people are generally happy in a relationship, and they can maintain that, then that's a good environment to bring up a child.

I think there's only one situation where I would recommend the "carpet bomb the fucker" (i.e. leave NOW) approach, and that's when abuse enters the picture. It's a little harder with something like self-abuse (suicidal depression, for example) or substance abuse. But even there, it's often best to move on.

Anyone reading my posts will see I don't recommend breaking up in this case as the immediate option. I've said it may lead to that though. If one partner is constantly seeking something that the other partner cannot provide, it will eventually shatter a relationship, or at the very least lead to huge amounts of resentment and fighting. That's not a good environment to bring up a child.

So... while it's cool to see people have strong moral sensibilities, they need to be weighed with practicality. In this particular case, I've already recommended that she have very frank discussions with her partner, get to the cause of the sexual problems, and see if they can find a way forward. That may involve counselling, or a career change, diets, moving cities, whatever. Separation is an option, but only after exploring every other possibility. And that's for a simple reason: she still loves her partner.

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Re: More ideas...

i am be no means an authority on the subject on D/s. However, i am in a similar boat. My husband is a dominant person but afraid to do anything like that in the bedroom. i believe he also has some misconceptions about BDSM.

One thing that i tried that worked was if i was on top and he asked me to go faster, i might purposly go slow and tease him. Say like this? He of course would get a little frusterated and say no FASTER! Which i would respond by teasing and saying "make me." Wich gave him the green light to spank me, or what ever little punishment he thought of, wich i liked. Then he got what he wanted. When he relised that i liked it, then he didn't mind doing it now and again. It sort of forced him to act in a dominat way in the bedroom, wich he didn't feel comfortable doing on his own.

Perhaps just find a way to incorperate a little bit into your sex life now and again. Or find out what his fantasies are and work them into it.

Good luck!

Thanks for your input, but that wouldn't work for me. He doesn't talk during sex. "It makes him lose his concentration." He hardly lets out any kind of moan. So him telling me to "go faster" or anything like that won't happen. Thanks for your input anyway.

~lick~

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

In the same vein, before trying to cultivate someone's dominance, I would address the lack of sexual interest in the first place. What's that all about? Is he overworking? Bad diet? Preoccupied with now being a "husband" and having to "support a family"? Overwhelmed by a wife suddenly turned kinky? Don't underestimate the impact of labels like these on a person's stress level. Similarly, try keeping the labels out of your new interests in BDSM, they may be too intimidating. Remember, our society-at-large portrays men as "pigs", always horny ready to pop the first pussy they can catch. I assure you that that stereotype is not universally true (I know plenty of guys who talk a good game and then turn into ice statues when the opportunity arises). Moreover, because of that stereotype, it can be very emotionally debilitating for a man to confront a drop in his sex drive, for whatever reason, and particularly for a younger man. Playboy and beer commercials say it ain't supposed to ever happen. Well, it does, and the number of men under 40 suffering from impotence is staggering (checked the success of Viagar sales lately?).

Finally, what do you want? Do you want to be a bedroom submissive? or extend your submission beyond the bedroom a la a slave? If the latter, maybe start doing for him the things he doesn't like to do around the house like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. As suggested above, ask his permission to do things. If you're the dominant, stop being dominant and act like a submissive. If that's what you really want and he doesn't want any part of it, hey, then you've got some major compatibility issues. But be sure of that before you start talking divorce. Just a suggestion. My ex and I both wholeheartedly agree that divorcing was the kindest thing we could have done for each other, but that didn't make it any less of an emotionally and psychologically brutalizing experience...and we didn't have any kids to think about.

You can't change people, but you can help them to discover parts of themselves they didn't know existed but it takes time, a lot of talking and, if you're lucky, trust. [/B]

Although he denies it, I know his lack of sexual intrest towards me is because I have gained a good amount of weight ever since I had our daughter. I know this because before I had our daughter, we had a pretty good sex life. I had no complaints, but as I started to gain weight, after I gave birth, I noticed the less and less he wanted to make love to me. Now, I'm lucky if I get it once every 3-4 months. Now, there may be other factors involved, but I know the main problem is my weight.

Also, I didn't "suddenly turn kinky." He's known that I've wanted to try things like this for a very long time now. He know's about my "rape" fantasies and what not, so me wanting try a D/s relationship should be of no suprise to him.

And he is far from impotent. He has no problem in that area. It's just his interest in me that's the problem.

I would like to be a bedroom sub. I have to take control over everything else in our lives and I would just like to have a time when I can give up all control once in a while, but it's not gonna happen. It's just not in him, I guess.

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Re: Maybe not dominant

After thinking the situation over, I believe it is possible that a man can learn to be less submissive. And if there is a Dominant spark in him, he may learn to enhance that part of his personality.

But I believe it would be a progressive endeavor, and it would take a period of time. Patience would be needed to cultivate the desired behaviours.

Well, as I've stated before, patience isn't one of my best qualities. I'm just gonna have to find something else to try. Or it may just be pointless to try anything else.