Archival Review: Haiku

[Anschul]

If I may...?

Despite being a very short poem, you manage to either say or allude at "night" a total of four times. (Miami night, black sky, moonless (implied night, since you wouldn't mention the moon during a day scene), starless night.)

Miami

Moonless, starless sky.
Ocean still there.

...would pretty much say the same thing.

Thank you...I'm learning...

 

[LeBroz]

Leaf-filtered sunlight
fallen log interrupts
a rock-cluttered stream

Leaf-filtered sunlight
wet log shines
rock-cluttered stream

Try this. Everyone's got their own things that they think don't quite fit in haiku. You're the final judge. Just look at that ill-mannered log - anthropomorphic. My change to that second line implies the log's blocking the stream; everything's left to the reader's mind to see what is presented.

Haiku is hell - it's a different mind-set. You seem to be catching the spirit.

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[Liar]

Thank you...I'm learning...

Just want to add that my version is not necessarily the better poem. That's something else. Only more stringent, and (I think, I'm no expert) more haiku.

 

[Anschul]

Blue ocean,
dolphin sounds, breaths,
disappears.

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Would a true haiku ever make any reference to the poet?

-Sheila

 

[LeBroz]

Would a true haiku ever make any reference to the poet?

-Sheila

That same thought crossed my mind when I read that haiku posted yesterday by SRS. My personal opinion is that it weakens it; of course, I'm no expert.

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[LadynStFreknBed]

That same thought crossed my mind when I read that haiku posted yesterday by SRS. My personal opinion is that it weakens it; of course, I'm no expert.

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Yeah, that's what I was thinking, but I wasn't sure if it was just my opinion or if it goes against the form.

-Sheila

 

[SunrockSin]

from the "four pillars"

Kobayashi Issa wrote:

even the scarecrow
turns his back to it...
my home

willow at my gate
droops
just because


Of the four pillars of haiku, I think Issa refered to himself in his haiku the most, but here are some more:


Buson wrote

A summer river being crossed,
how pleasing,
with sandals in my hands!

Perhaps himself here...

The end of spring—
the poet is brooding
about editors.


Basho wrote:

The wind from Mt. Fuji
I put it on the fan.
Here, the souvenir from Edo.*


*Edo: the old name of Tokyo


Shiki wrote:

my hometown
many cousins-
peach blossoms


Of course all these are translated, so perhaps the reference to each poet emerged in the translation.

You don't see a lot of self reference in the haiku these poets wrote, again Issa probably did it the most as he had many illnesses and his health often was referenced in his work.

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Thank you for the clarification, SRS.
I don't know. It does seem intrusive. I don't think the use of "my" is nearly as intrusive as saying "I" or "me."

I wonder how much is due to the translations. I wonder if I could find an original for my daughter to look at just for some insight. Her Japanese is much better than mine.

-Sheila

 

[normal jean]

Blue ocean,
dolphin sounds, breaths,
disappears.

waves crash
sand hears only
sun and moon


~~~

I was thinking about tides, in and out, how the sand "goes with the flow"...so would it work if I put something like, the sand obeys the sun and moon?

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

sand hears only

anthropomorphism. I like the line.. but it won't work for haiku.
I'll let those who are more skilled give you suggestions on changing it..
unless you want to try again.

-Sheila

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

waves crash
sand hears only
sun and moon

okay.. maybe I will take a crack at this one since I just thought of a possibility:

thunderous waves
rake the sand
under a quiet sky

 

[normal jean]

okay.. maybe I will take a crack at this one since I just thought of a possibility:

thunderous waves
rake the sand
under a quiet sky

You seem more knowledgeable than I am


but, I have a question and it is probably only my perception, but it comes down to the value judgments that are supposedly not allowed in haiku. It deals with adjectives, such as the ones in your example. Thunderous and quiet can mean different things to different people, what may seem thunderous to one may be a blip to someone else. This is the problem I have. The learning curve is at a point ( for me) where I cannot as of yet, completely understand the rules.

My attempt wrongly inserted the metaphysical that seems to permeate so much of my own poetry. Maybe not what I have currently posted as "normal jean" but what I used to post as maria.

I just have to learn, and that's fine with me. I will try again and I do sincerely thank you for your help. You have been a really cool addition to this community.

 

[normal jean]

okay.. maybe I will take a crack at this one since I just thought of a possibility:

thunderous waves
rake the sand
under a quiet sky

~~~

my try again


waves crash
shoreline shrinks and grows
with each tug of the moon

~~~ or~~~

shoreline shrinks then grows
tug of war
between sun and moon

~~~ or~~~

tug of war
between sun and moon
shoreline shrinks, then grows

 

[normal jean]

another question, probably best answered by SRS--


how about punctuation in haiku? any special rules for that, or is it best left out completely?

also, the one you have posted,

my hometown
many cousins-
peach blossoms


if the author had not put "my" in there, it would still have been sufficient, as just the word "hometown" implies the reference the author, doesn't it?

I like the analogy of cousins to peach blossoms, very artistic

 

[normal jean]

squirrel reads
falling leaves-
time to gather food

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Cheetah hunts
prey runs
heartbeat stills

 

[normal jean]

Cheetah hunts
prey runs
heartbeat stills

lion's kill, revenge
hyena's laughter
stilled

 

[UnderYourSpell]

lion's kill, revenge
hyena's laughter
stilled

is the 'revenge' anthropomorphic?

 

[normal jean]

is the 'revenge' anthropomorphic?

nah, I saw a Nat Geo episode where a band of hyena killed the lion babies....well, maybe it is... I rather like the thought though, hyena remind me of cruel school children. I don't like them, but they have their place.