Are most cuckold/hotwife relationships destined to fail?

[travelenman]

I lived the lifestyle and what's the expression? Fuck around and find out? Seems oddly fitting! I've long had cuckold fantasies. Eventually my ex wife and I started to live the lifestyle. It came to an end when she left me for her bull/fwb.

I'll be honest, if we were not in the lifestyle, I believe she would have cheated anyway. She told me as much. So while not fair to say the lifestyle made our marriage fail, I'm sure it didn't help.

I noticed over years many guys talking about the lifestyle are divorced. Got me thinking. Even if it isn't the direct cause of a relationship ending, is the simple fact a couple agrees to do it a sign the relationship is likely doomed? I know there are people who stay happily married for decades. However, for the vast majority of people, is it basically a sign of not if but when?

I'm interested to hear the experiences of other current or former cuckolds and hotwives.

I'm probably personally done with being a cuckold in real life at this point. I'll probably continue writing erotica on the subject and use that as an outlet, but any future relationships will most likely remain monogamous for me.

If I can offer my opinion, there is a risk that a relationship will fail regardless of the lifestyle. You supported her in a cuckold lifestyle and you probably enjoyed it as well. If she was going to cheat, that didn't mean your marriage would fail. A lot of people cheat and are forgiven and get on with life.

I think marriages fail because one person forgets they are part of a relationship, not two people going in similar directions. My first wife left as she wanted to pursue a lesbian relationship, but the real reason was the marriage became a competition and a power struggle.

A majority of people are divorced, which is statically a certainty. Any future relationships are just as much at risk.

We have an open relationship that has slowed in recent years, and we are still happily married.

As a footnote, 80% of marriages in the Western world are brought to an end by women, mainly because they are bored.

 

[dkak001]

I think for it to be successful and keep a couple together you have to first separate the love and sex.

I can see that being difficult for some. Even for myself, and much more so for my wife. In our case, I don't see that as a bad thing. I've always preferred having sex with someone I love deeply, over something more casual. But, we're not in that lifestyle, so maybe that's part of why.

I think marriages fail because one person forgets they are part of a relationship, not two people going in similar directions. My first wife left as she wanted to pursue a lesbian relationship, but the real reason was the marriage became a competition and a power struggle.

I often wonder how many people get married without knowing or discussing long term plans/dream/aspirations? We had a lot of long conversations about where we wanted to be 25 years in, we're still having those conversations. We're looking at the possibility of some very major disruptive life changes, and we're discussing our options together.


This is becoming an interesting thread. It reinforces my belief that people who do make this work, are probably pretty mature in how they handle interpersonal relationships. I'm always very impressed by those of you who expressed these needs/wants early in the relationship, and were able to work this out with your future partners. That takes a certain level of self awareness, honesty, and quite frankly guts to lay that out to someone. (The people watcher side of my brain would love to be a 'fly on the wall' for some of those conversations.) While those may be 'weird' relationships by traditional standards, they are no less important or worthy than traditional relationships. (If any of you would be willing to share details, I'd love to hear more about how these conversations transpired).

What surprised me was that some of you are wary of others with rules, as such. I now understand how that could be a red flag. Yet, boundaries in most relationships are indeed a good thing. Perhaps the distinction is in 'RULE' vs. general common sense boundaries.

 

[travelenman]

I can see that being difficult for some. Even for myself, and much more so for my wife. In our case, I don't see that as a bad thing. I've always preferred having sex with someone I love deeply, over something more casual. But, we're not in that lifestyle, so maybe that's part of why.


I often wonder how many people get married without knowing or discussing long term plans/dream/aspirations? We had a lot of long conversations about where we wanted to be 25 years in, we're still having those conversations. We're looking at the possibility of some very major disruptive life changes, and we're discussing our options together.


This is becoming an interesting thread. It reinforces my belief that people who do make this work, are probably pretty mature in how they handle interpersonal relationships. I'm always very impressed by those of you who expressed these needs/wants early in the relationship, and were able to work this out with your future partners. That takes a certain level of self awareness, honesty, and quite frankly guts to lay that out to someone. (The people watcher side of my brain would love to be a 'fly on the wall' for some of those conversations.) While those may be 'weird' relationships by traditional standards, they are no less important or worthy than traditional relationships. (If any of you would be willing to share details, I'd love to hear more about how these conversations transpired).

What surprised me was that some of you are wary of others with rules, as such. I now understand how that could be a red flag. Yet, boundaries in most relationships are indeed a good thing. Perhaps the distinction is in 'RULE' vs. general common sense boundaries.

Relationships are an interesting subject and have tormented humanity through the ages. My wife and I have an honest, and I mean right out there honest relationship. Sometimes the other person is challenged by the subject, but it is all about communication and understanding. Just because it is your thing, it is not going to be a size fit. Sometimes, you have to find someone with a similar interest, and it may not be your partner. The site is all about sex; on that subject, we discuss fantasies and whether we would like them to be real one day. We allow and support each other in that pursuit, it is all about growing together. We also know there are secrets, that is human nature and we respect that fact. We do not have a traditional relationship, and in my opinion, the traditional relationship spends so much energy trying to be "traditional" when we should be happy and growing together.

 

[Oldermom935]

I'd say the relationship would survive. The side piece has to remember she's just that. A side piece sort of like a friend.

 

[PapaRomantic]

It's because most white guys are into seeing their women getting banged by other men, particularly by black guys and women, for the most part don't really respect it out of men. Obviously not in all cases but generally speaking.

Have you talked to most white guys?

 

[cowboyup6977]

I'd say the relationship would survive. The side piece has to remember she's just that. A side piece sort of like a friend.

You will NEVER be a side piece R

 

[policywank]

In many ways I see the maturity and perspective of the wife as being the most critical factor.

Realistically I think it is highly unusual for the cuckold to be truly neutral. His perspective is likely to be binary. Either he will either be reticent or enthusiastic about this lifestyle. If he is reticent he will immediately see it as something that he is opposed to because he has something to lose. In that case chances are that they won't (or shouldn't) enter the lifestyle in the first place. Unless of course she foists it upon him in which case the relationship is highly unlikely to survive and he is better off without her. But if he is enthusiastic, then whether or not the relationship survives is largely a function of the wife's choice or behaviour.

The wife on the other hand is more likely to have more complex (or at least less binary) feelings because she is the one who most obviously benefits. Even if she is reticent as long as he isn't opposed she doesn't obviously have anything to lose and may have something to gain. So, she might be inclined to give it a try even if she is not yet certain. In that case if he is legitimately enthusiastic he isn't going to want to end the marriage unless her behaviour or attitude towards him changes.

Some people subscribe to the notion that a man's possessiveness or jealousy is evidence of his love for her and/or proof of his manhood. But that is just an individual point of view. It isn't any kind of fundamental truth. Whether or not she regards the absence of possessiveness and jealousy as an absence of love or evidence of his lack of manhood is a function of her mindset and maturity. Likewise whether she confuses a good fuck with love or gets distracted by the newness of the relationship comes down to her mindset and maturity. And if pursuing a hotwife/cuckold relationship is her way of seeking something that she feels is missing in their relationship it is up to her to recognize that and communicate that to him in a responsible way that is respectful of him and recognize that a hotwife/cuckold lifestyle is highly unlikely to be a solution.

 

[Stormgod59]

I believe it depends upon your mutual commitment to one another. While every relationship is different, there is one thing that is constant with regard to relationships as well as life. That is change. Sometimes what you desire at one time may shift to where you no longer desire it while your partner may continue to crave that particular pleasure. In most cases conflict occurs when one partner wishes to stop what has been a mutually pleasurable experience and seeks to force the other partner to adopt that same change. It is such conflict that forms the basis for what leads to cheating and divorce. In relationships the partners tend to forget they are individuals as well as a couple. There are things each person enjoys as an individual (some of which are not necessarily enjoyable to their partner) and things they enjoy as a couple. I believe that the most enduring relationships are those where both persons involved remember that their commitment was to the other individual as he or she is and that the other individual is not obligated to change when they change or change in the same manner that they do. Commitment is key. Especially in cuckold relationships. It is trust in the love for, and commitment to, one another that establishes the wife's ability to know that she will be able to return home to her husband following a sexual encounter with a bull and the husband's ability to know that his wife will return to him. If their mutual commitment is not true and solid are they really a cuckold couple or are they just two people sharing moments of time and sexual pleasure until something viewed as better comes along?

 

[littlecordelera]

I brought my laptop with me when I got in bed last night. I did some research, and I ran the numbers.

I would rate the chances that a hotwife couple would divorce, because they are living the lifestyle, is, in aggregate, 12%. If the couple has been married for more than 10 years, that number drops to less than 5%.

Those figures would be pretty darn close. Prediction is what I do for a living.

 

[dkak001]

I would rate the chances that a hotwife couple would divorce, because they are living the lifestyle, is, in aggregate, 12%. If the couple has been married for more than 10 years, that number drops to less than 5%.

I'm sure that's considerably lower than the general population. Just curious, are these based couples you know or do you have other sources data to study?
Do you think in general these couples have a more solid foundation, so to speak, before getting into these activities? My guess if if your relationship is on the rocks, going looking for other couples to party with is not a high priority. It all seems to point back towards mutual commitment, respect, and trust, etc. Which are typically signs of a good relationship.

 

[littlecordelera]

I'm sure that's considerably lower than the general population. Just curious, are these based couples you know or do you have other sources data to study?
Do you think in general these couples have a more solid foundation, so to speak, before getting into these activities? My guess if if your relationship is on the rocks, going looking for other couples to party with is not a high priority. It all seems to point back towards mutual commitment, respect, and trust, etc. Which are typically signs of a good relationship.

Data was taken from US Census.gov, Statista, and Pew.

The rate of divorce of the general population is not comparative to the rate of divorce as a result of a couple that is living a swing lifestyle. They are two different things. So while the divorce rate I posted appears lower, it only accounts for one cause of divorce - as is the premise of the OP's question. The divorce rate of the "general population" (total aggregate rate) includes every cause of divorce.

I think, based on experience, that most couples who enter swing lifestyle are doing so because they feel their relationship is on solid ground. This is evidenced by the fact that the idea of their spouse having extramarital sex does not make them feel insecure or jealous. I have never met a swing couple who entered the lifestyle in hopes of repairing a rocky relationship. That doesn't mean they don't exist. I've just never met one.

 

[littlecordelera]

I noticed over years many guys talking about the lifestyle are divorced. Got me thinking. Even if it isn't the direct cause of a relationship ending, is the simple fact a couple agrees to do it a sign the relationship is likely doomed? I know there are people who stay happily married for decades. However, for the vast majority of people, is it basically a sign of not if but when?

Hello Luv4hotwives, I wanted to explain a little more about what I found, because there are a few surprises.

"Lack of family support" and "infidelity" seem to trade places every now and then for the top cause of divorce, somewhere between about 43% to 60%. I do not see infidelity as a relevant cause in this situation since living the hotwife lifestyle is a mutual agreement. Being that the lifestyle is, by default, an open discussion between couples about desire and extramarital sex, it does not promote violations of trust.

Most divorces (above 90%) take place in the first seven years of marriage. After that, the rate drops off quickly, and as I said above, after 10 years of marriage, the rate of divorce is well into single digits. The rate of divorce for subsequent marriages rises with each additional marriage. In other words, if you marry again, you will most likely get divorced again.

One of the most startling things I learned is that more than two-thirds of all divorcees felt that their divorce was a mistake. It appears couples are allowing their emotions to get the best of them, but it also appears that these couples are being influenced by divorced friends. This comes as no surprise. Our need to maintain our status in a group is a very strong motivator to do things we would not otherwise do.

And last but not least. The rate of divorce due to any unhappiness surrounding a couple's sex life is very small - single digits. To read these forums, you would think it was huge, but apparently, very few couples divorce because their sex life is unsatisfactory.

This was a fun and eye-opening little project. I'm glad you posed the question!

 

[Luv4hotwives]

Hello Luv4hotwives, I wanted to explain a little more about what I found, because there are a few surprises.

"Lack of family support" and "infidelity" seem to trade places every now and then for the top cause of divorce, somewhere between about 43% to 60%. I do not see infidelity as a relevant cause in this situation since living the hotwife lifestyle is a mutual agreement. Being that the lifestyle is, by default, an open discussion between couples about desire and extramarital sex, it does not promote violations of trust.

Most divorces (above 90%) take place in the first seven years of marriage. After that, the rate drops off quickly, and as I said above, after 10 years of marriage, the rate of divorce is well into single digits. The rate of divorce for subsequent marriages rises with each additional marriage. In other words, if you marry again, you will most likely get divorced again.

One of the most startling things I learned is that more than two-thirds of all divorcees felt that their divorce was a mistake. It appears couples are allowing their emotions to get the best of them, but it also appears that these couples are being influenced by divorced friends. This comes as no surprise. Our need to maintain our status in a group is a very strong motivator to do things we would not otherwise do.

And last but not least. The rate of divorce due to any unhappiness surrounding a couple's sex life is very small - single digits. To read these forums, you would think it was huge, but apparently, very few couples divorce because their sex life is unsatisfactory.

This was a fun and eye-opening little project. I'm glad you posed the question!

Thank you for the well written and thought out analysis! I'm glad I posed this question too. The goal was to hear different ideas and perspectives, but I got far more opinions than I had expected!

There are so many conclusions and answers that were shared that contradict the others. Which is great! It's easy to forget how complex relationships are. But this has been a good education on it. Not only have I noticed a lot of patterns in successful vs unsuccessful relationships, but learned that those aren't hard rules, there are always some people who are the exception!

Even though I didn't get any sort of single universal answer, I feel like I learned a lot more about people and relationships. Not just hotwife/cuckold ones, but in general.

 

[dkak001]

And last but not least. The rate of divorce due to any unhappiness surrounding a couple's sex life is very small - single digits. To read these forums, you would think it was huge, but apparently, very few couples divorce because their sex life is unsatisfactory.

This is interesting indeed.

Although, now that you mention it, it seems that a lot of people who comment here are in sexless marriages or are unhappy with sex in the marriage. The key takeaway may be the fact that they are still married. A lot of the followup comments tend to iterate satisfaction otherwise in the relationship. This site may be an outlet for that frustration, so perhaps why they seem more prevalent here.

 

[littlecordelera]

This is interesting indeed.

Although, now that you mention it, it seems that a lot of people who comment here are in sexless marriages or are unhappy with sex in the marriage. The key takeaway may be the fact that they are still married. A lot of the followup comments tend to iterate satisfaction otherwise in the relationship. This site may be an outlet for that frustration, so perhaps why they seem more prevalent here.

This is why I have a love-hate relationship with my job. I love that it is so full of surprises, things I never would have guessed that are really good news. I hate that it sometimes shows me things about the world that I wish were not true.

And given this discussion, I can't help but chuckle when I see your signature quantifies you at "43.6% pure." So apropos!

 

[dkak001]

This is why I have a love-hate relationship with my job. I love that it is so full of surprises, things I never would have guessed that are really good news. I hate that it sometimes shows me things about the world that I wish were not true.

I follow a lot of numbers for work too, but mostly engineering stuff. So nothing as interesting as what's here. I'm one of those typical pragmatic engineers, so tend not to hate what data is showing (regardless of subject). More about understanding what's around than trying to control or fix it. I do tend to read 'soft science' related subjects for fun (A billion Wicket Thoughts, for example). My spouse has a couple graduate degrees in social sciences. Way out of my league, but I understand the concept of using numbers/data for adapting policy for betterment groups or optimizing outcomes.

The numbers in this thread would tend to indicate healthy relationships are pretty important. That's probably the big takeaway, but no surprises there. The relationship needs to be healthy to start with. Maybe that's really the answer to the title of the thread. It's not where you go, but where you're staring from.

 

[policywank]

I think that a lot of people form their opinions about non-traditional relationship or sexual dynamics based on anecdotal evidence. And in so doing the only evidence they recognize as valid is that which reinforces their pre-existing bias. Meanwhile their own attitudes may affect the evidence that is available to them - if one holds a dim view of non-traditional sexual relationships chances are that others will have some awareness of that and won't share any evidence of their own non-traditional proclivities and activities.

 

[policywank]

To me being a hotwife is the best of all worlds. I have a husband who loves me in a solid relationship and I have the latitude to explore my sexual desires. In my anecdotal observation it seems that most hot wives are women (like me) who do not want to be sexually exclusive regardless of who their husband is. I have had great sex with lots of men, but it has never been so compelling that I would want to give up the latitude to continue to have new sexual experiences or to forfeit what I have with my husband.

But let's consider a woman who only pursues the hot wife lifestyle because her husband is sexually inadequate otherwise she would be happily monogamous. That woman would otherwise be locked into an unhappy sex life or will find an outlet through cheating. Does anybody really believe that a stable happy marriage will be achieved by buffering her from exposure to other men and denying her sexual fulfillment? That makes no sense to me. The idea that a wife who hooks-up with a new man then runs away with him, never would have done so and would have been happy in her marriage if she just never met him in the first place makes no sense. At most she may not have run away with him while staying in an unhappy situation - maybe that suits her husband but it is not a good outcome.

I tend to believe that to the extent that the hot wife/cuckold lifestyle leads to the demise of a marriage it was just the catalyst not the cause. There were bigger problems there all along. The exception is situations where a couple go into this lifestyle unprepared due to a lack of maturity and perspective.

 

[dkak001]

So, I guess that begs the question. Are most couples engaging in hotwife situations doing so with open consent of both partners? That is, are the majority done with consent, or under coercion? If under known consent, my guess is they will not fail. If coercion is the basis, they are more likely to fail.

 

[cowboyup6977]

If it’s not total commitment from both
It’s doomed for failure

 

[policywank]

So, I guess that begs the question. Are most couples engaging in hotwife situations doing so with open consent of both partners? That is, are the majority done with consent, or under coercion? If under known consent, my guess is they will not fail. If coercion is the basis, they are more likely to fail.

I don't think that any relationship based upon coercion has much of a chance of lasting. But I don't think that is the basis for the vast majority of hotwife/cuckold relationships.

People seem to get confused by the fetish dynamics that are often part of this type of relationship. It helps to think of it as being somewhat analogous to a BDSM or D's dynamic. We may not relate to the role played by the bottom or the Sub, but we know that they enjoy it and are engaging willingly. Even if whatever they are doing at any given moment isn't necessarily what they would choose or want we know that they are doing it anyway willingly as part of a larger dynamic in which they want to submit. Having their limits pushed is part of what makes it exciting.

Tying someone up and flogging them is just assault if it isn't part of consensual activity just like forcing your spouse to watch you fuck another guy is just emotional abuse if he isn't participating in consensual activity. Consent and the absence of coercion is critical. Just because some people may not understand why the cuckold is a consenting participant does make it any less the case that he is.

 

[PhoenixSunrise]

I lived the lifestyle and what's the expression? Fuck around and find out? Seems oddly fitting! I've long had cuckold fantasies. Eventually my ex wife and I started to live the lifestyle. It came to an end when she left me for her bull/fwb.

I'll be honest, if we were not in the lifestyle, I believe she would have cheated anyway. She told me as much. So while not fair to say the lifestyle made our marriage fail, I'm sure it didn't help.

I noticed over years many guys talking about the lifestyle are divorced. Got me thinking. Even if it isn't the direct cause of a relationship ending, is the simple fact a couple agrees to do it a sign the relationship is likely doomed? I know there are people who stay happily married for decades. However, for the vast majority of people, is it basically a sign of not if but when?

I'm interested to hear the experiences of other current or former cuckolds and hotwives.

I'm probably personally done with being a cuckold in real life at this point. I'll probably continue writing erotica on the subject and use that as an outlet, but any future relationships will most likely remain monogamous for me.

I think with anything you'll have success stories and failures. I can understand when it comes to demeaning the other half of your marriage how a rift can begin and you can even start talking yourself into believing you had settled but there is someone better and then down the rabbit hole you can go. I think you have to keep in mind it's a game and for fun and know when it might be time to take a step back.

 

[Gr82meetu2]

My story is one of great success for a long time that eventually turned into failure
Max wife was very dominant and had a interracial fetish
We started off watching lots of interracial porn
Role-play fantasy talk
I got her a nice big black dildo
And for years, I used to dress her up for dates like a real hot wife sometimes I would drop her off at her bulls condo

There is a guy I work with his name is Jerome. He’s a Jamaican guy
My ex was a curvy redhead with big tits
Jerome used to come by and eventually we let him know and they started fucking

They fell in love
She left me for him. We all still get along pretty good it’s fine but I got to admit. The whole thing still turns me on a little bit.

 

[MorlockIam]

From what I have noticed it tends to fall apart when the cuckold becomes more and more extreme and the relationship gets lost. The cuck wants the bull to move in for example, the cuck is really gay or bi and spends more time with the bull than the wife does, the cuck wants to wear lingerie etc etc

The wife tends to prefer something more normal with a man who is masculine.

I think if you leave it as just the basics where the woman gets to be with others but her man (the cuck) doesn't it works better. Also if the wife starts denying sex altogether to the cuck (usually at the cucks request) that also damages the relationship.

 

[And4778]

Anyway... it would be interesting to do a poll of different age groups, maybe broken down by the decade as early Boomers and late Boomers are totally different people. I can't even say how many divorcee females I have heard mention that their husband was a big narcissist and that being the main reason for divorce.

I would be willing to bet that the ratio of "narcissists" changes depending on, well, for instance, the entitled Millenials as an age bracket I would assume has more narcissists. I know that was a big generalization but again, I am hearing that from a LOT of ex-wives as THE reason.

You may have hit the nail dead center with your response. Men don't believe they will get caught and they are usually too stupid to see that their wives can see right through them. I can't believe I wrote usually
Make if 99.99% of the time !