Are most cuckold/hotwife relationships destined to fail?

[And4778]

Believe me I know that

Normal people in NJ ? YES. There's hope for the rest of us !

 

[cowboyup6977]

I'd say the relationship would survive. The side piece has to remember she's just that. A side piece sort of like a friend.

Don’t even think that you are my side piece
You know how much I U R

 

[PacerLJ35]

My wife is a hotwife. Things are going well…I don’t worry at all that she’s going to leave me. She enjoys having the freedom to explore her sexuality and she always includes me in some way, even if it’s calling and letting me listen to her have sex, or sending me pictures and videos. We often engage in MFM threesomes with some of her bulls.

 

[And4778]

That's great. It sounds like a good plan that you have made for one another. I have always wanted to be a part of something like this type of an adventurous experience
Ever get to NJ ?

 

[marriedpervs]

Ive been a hotwife for almost 20 years. It works for us. Still married, playing and enjoying the excitement. Just talk.....

 

[And4778]

Good for you. I enjoy reading about the situations that are enjoyed much better than the ones that are having difficulty.

 

[marriedpervs]

Good for you. I enjoy reading about the situations that are enjoyed much better than the ones that are having difficulty.

Hes a 100% voyeur. I love showing off and adore sex in all its forms. The regular hotwife stuff has bern brilliant. Long may it continue.

 

[Lifestyle66]

When it comes to swingers in the Lifestyle, I've known many swinger couples over the years. Those which remain together have an equal commitment to each other and BOTH enjoy seeing their spouse having fun. They can talk to each other about their extra-marital fun, even exciting each other with the descriptions.

But imagine situations where one of the couple is text flirting with a partner before or after a sharing hookup. It may even be after a couple swap, where both the husband and wife had fun with the other spouse from sharing. Then the other husband texts your wife, and she responds with flirting messages. Over the next few texts, you find the other husband disparaging you, talking about how maybe she isn't being fulfilled and maybe she would like to get away without you for a weekend with "a real man". And your wife continues to flirt with him via texts, never stepping up to defend her own husband. That ends in divorce!

It seems that those which fail have at least one of the couple who is more selfish or narcissistic, (the texting wife NEEDING the attention from the other husband) ignoring the needs of their spouse. Or one is silently jealous of their spouse having fun with another. A wife who NEEDS to flirt with other men, even when it means bad-mouthing or agreeing that her own husband is inadequate. Or a husband who is desperate to put "notches on a bedpost" as he jumps around fucking as many other women as possible. Those marriages would be doomed eventually anyway outside of extra-marital sharing.

So, it's not the cuckold/hotwife/sharing things which destroy the marriage. It's the narcissistic and selfish attitudes one quietly puts up with in their spouse which are quickly magnified by the situations in the lifestyle.

 

[Justfantasies]

it depends on how the wife reacts to watching her husband submiting to another man and the husband begging for cock.my wife was turned off hearing me moan as her bull ass fucked me. the more i told her i wanted her bull in our bed the more she said she needed a real man

 

[Justfantasies]

From my experience they can last for a long time. Much depends on how jealous the husband gets and how turned he is by the whole thing. My relationship was an open marriage and (it seems surprising now) it took me a while to understand that as a woman she could easily find lovers, but much harder for me.

 

[Beachsyrf]

I would say, based on my longtime fascination and real life experience, not “destined”. If, ….. IF …. a couple is going to experiment with this; a few things

1) Communication! And not just when you’re in the heat of passion & engaged in “hot sex talk”. Discuss it at a quiet & private time. If you’re both into it, it’ll probably lead to sex ….

2) Set ground rules! Who, Where, When & How often.

3) Define roles and what your real desires are. Is this YOUR fantasy or is she genuinely willing to try it.

4) Are you a true Cuckold or maybe a Stag? And are you actually bi-curious & using this as a means to have access to another man?

Any and all answers are fine. Just go in with your eyes, minds and hearts open. Good luck!

 

[littlecordelera]

I would say, based on my longtime fascination and real life experience, not “destined”. If, ….. IF …. a couple is going to experiment with this; a few things

1) Communication! And not just when you’re in the heat of passion & engaged in “hot sex talk”. Discuss it at a quiet & private time. If you’re both into it, it’ll probably lead to sex ….

2) Set ground rules! Who, Where, When & How often.

3) Define roles and what your real desires are. Is this YOUR fantasy or is she genuinely willing to try it.

4) Are you a true Cuckold or maybe a Stag? And are you actually bi-curious & using this as a means to have access to another man?

Any and all answers are fine. Just go in with your eyes, minds and hearts open. Good luck!

If I may expound on this a little.

1. Communication: She agrees to tell him what she wants and what to do. If something is an established chore of his, like making the bed, for instance, she agrees to kindly remind him to get it done if he forgets.

2. Set ground rules! He does what she says. If he fails to do as she says, she will enact consequences. The only rule for her is: there are no rules for her.

3. Define roles. She is the superior one, the boss, the ultimate authority. It's all about her. He is her servant. He is her cuckold. His role in life is to service her pleasure.

4. Are you a true cuckold? He will adapt. Whether he is or not is irrelevant to her.

 

[littlecordelera]

If I may expound on this a little.

1. Communication: She agrees to tell him what she wants and what to do. If something is an established chore of his, like making the bed, for instance, she agrees to kindly remind him to get it done if he forgets.

2. Set ground rules! He does what she says. If he fails to do as she says, she will enact consequences. The only rule for her is: there are no rules for her.

3. Define roles. She is the superior one, the boss, the ultimate authority. It's all about her. He is her servant. He is her cuckold. His role in life is to service her pleasure.

4. Are you a true cuckold? He will adapt. Whether he is or not is irrelevant to her.

Shhh... Now for the unspoken rules.

1. It's a game, but it's real. Either one can opt out at any time.

2. She agrees to never treat him this way in front of friends and family, but on rare occasions in front of strangers, a brief display of authority on her part works wonders. When family visits, she agrees to treat him like the pussy boy he is behind closed doors and she will make it count. She will always treat him this way in front of her lover.

3. She must always keep him guessing (except for one thing). Will punishment be harsh or light, will he get to cum or not, etc. But one thing must always be. It may take days, and on rare occasions maybe even weeks, but he must know that eventually she will allow him to cum - according to her rules, of course.

4. She agrees to use him every day in a manner that keeps him sexually aroused as often as possible. She controls his pleasure.

5. She understands that by making it all about her, she is actually making it all about him. This is the game, their secret, intimate game.

 

[goodsonformom]

Never say never, but in every marriage I know about where the husband wants or approves of his wife having sex with other partners, the wife eventually falls in love or craves someone else and they end up in divorce.

I concur, but that was my experience.

 

[Justfantasies]

I concur, but that was my experience.

My experience too and while it lasts both partners need to be ready for chaotic times

 

[Badguy4u]

I concur, but that was my experience.

Sorry to hear that

 

[And4778]

Sometimes when you play with fire...

 

[bilash]

When we see a couple with rules, we stay away. Rules are intended to avoid jealousy

How is having "rules" unhealthy to the relationship ?
Rules like:
i) using condom
ii) regular medical checkup to prevent STD
iii) wife/husband not developing emotional attachment with others
iv) no overnight stay
v) no degradation

I am curious why you think rules are .........you sound like rules are bad.
At least I would love to hear your opinion on the above 5 points I mentioned above.

It's good to learn from other people's way of thinking as it helps if I'm missing something about the lifestyle.

 

[policywank]

How is having "rules" unhealthy to the relationship ?
Rules like:
i) using condom
ii) regular medical checkup to prevent STD
iii) wife/husband not developing emotional attachment with others
iv) no overnight stay
v) no degradation

I am curious why you think rules are .........you sound like rules are bad.
At least I would love to hear your opinion on the above 5 points I mentioned above.

It's good to learn from other people's way of thinking as it helps if I'm missing something about the lifestyle.

Each couple is unique in what works for them. However, we tend to find that couples with lots of rules often involve one partner or both trying to control the other in order to avoid jealousy or ensure equal outcomes. In the long run I don't think this really works. So, for each rule I ask what is its purpose?

So to your points:

1. Presumably the point is safe sex. I may choose to use a condom most or all of the time because I deem it to be prudent, but I am perfectly capable of making decisions without a rigid rule imposed upon me. Suppose I have sex with a man who has had a vasectomy, was recently widowed and never had sex with another woman besides his deceased wife. I consider that for me I am comfortable not compelling him to use a condom.
2. Perhaps a good idea. But as a grown ass woman I'm perfectly capable of deciding when to get a check up. If my husband has concerns he can even ask me to get a check up. What I won't have is a situation in which he has the right to demand it of me and put me in the position of being wrong if I should disagree. If he is so concerned that he wants to abstain from sex with me until I get tested that is his prerogative. But when I take my body to the doctor is my prerogative.
3. Emotional attachment will develop. Count on it. Saying don't develop a connection is liking saying don't be angry or don't be sad - these are involuntary responses. And for me I want that with my lovers. Meaningless physical only sex is not what I desire. The key is to understand that having such a connection is not the same as love. I need my husband to see my relationships with my lovers as being somewhat akin to my relationship with my friends in that they don't take away from him. And as long as that balance is maintained I don't want him meddling. If comfort with this lifestyle is contingent upon never accidentally having a connection with a lover, it simply won't work for us.
4. See #3. No overnight stay is just a prescriptive attempt to limit personal connection. It is just a matter of time until someone violates the rule or comes to resent it.
5. This one I can see. Nobody should ever want to hurt or degrade another person. Just don't confuse that with the psychological BDSM that many people enjoy.

Another perspective I often suggest people think about is that of a mature single woman dating. When it comes to things like her safety and well being, does she need a male relative monitoring her movements or imposing rules on her. Absolutely not. She is able to make the decisions the she deems appropriate without oversight. That is not a perfectly analogous perspective because obviously there are other factors at play in a marital relationship. It is just a useful filter through which to look at some of the rules people seek to put in place.

 

[bilash]

Each couple is unique in what works for them. However, we tend to find that couples with lots of rules often involve one partner or both trying to control the other in order to avoid jealousy or ensure equal outcomes. In the long run I don't think this really works. So, for each rule I ask what is its purpose?

So to your points:

1. Presumably the point is safe sex. I may choose to use a condom most or all of the time because I deem it to be prudent, but I am perfectly capable of making decisions without a rigid rule imposed upon me. Suppose I have sex with a man who has had a vasectomy, was recently widowed and never had sex with another woman besides his deceased wife. I consider that for me I am comfortable not compelling him to use a condom.
2. Perhaps a good idea. But as a grown ass woman I'm perfectly capable of deciding when to get a check up. If my husband has concerns he can even ask me to get a check up. What I won't have is a situation in which he has the right to demand it of me and put me in the position of being wrong if I should disagree. If he is so concerned that he wants to abstain from sex with me until I get tested that is his prerogative. But when I take my body to the doctor is my prerogative.
3. Emotional attachment will develop. Count on it. Saying don't develop a connection is liking saying don't be angry or don't be sad - these are involuntary responses. And for me I want that with my lovers. Meaningless physical only sex is not what I desire. The key is to understand that having such a connection is not the same as love. I need my husband to see my relationships with my lovers as being somewhat akin to my relationship with my friends in that they don't take away from him. And as long as that balance is maintained I don't want him meddling. If comfort with this lifestyle is contingent upon never accidentally having a connection with a lover, it simply won't work for us.
4. See #3. No overnight stay is just a prescriptive attempt to limit personal connection. It is just a matter of time until someone violates the rule or comes to resent it.
5. This one I can see. Nobody should ever want to hurt or degrade another person. Just don't confuse that with the psychological BDSM that many people enjoy.

Another perspective I often suggest people think about is that of a mature single woman dating. When it comes to things like her safety and well being, does she need a male relative monitoring her movements or imposing rules on her. Absolutely not. She is able to make the decisions the she deems appropriate without oversight. That is not a perfectly analogous perspective because obviously there are other factors at play in a marital relationship. It is just a useful filter through which to look at some of the rules people seek to put in place.

The word "rules" , I think , to those whose mother tongue is English , means "something one has to obey and breaking which leads to consequences". Strict law type thing.

I agree with your explanations.

But to me and people in my country "rule" is a rule , there are rules. So we don't take rules seriously. People in power break rules 24/7.
So when I say rules, it is less about being strict hard and fast code of conduct and more about "a guideline which can be changed based on communication".

I am not blaming you or anything. Just that, it feels like a communication gap.

Another thing.
That is "compromise".

well, some couples believe compromise is healthy as long as it is comfortable , doesn't cross boundaries.
For example: My mom prefers my dad invites his friends ( with / without family) to our home only on weekends. So even if dad wants to just chill on Friday, he doesn't mind, agrees with mum and invites friends on Friday , after all, its just one friday of the year.

But if my mum was like "don't talk with your sister, she doesn't say nice things about me" Which is true. But mum never actually said that to dad and even if she did I'm sure dad'll agree and still continue maintaining relationship with his sister.

I think "compromise" in right circumstances, can be healthy.

 

[bilash]

As a footnote, 80% of marriages in the Western world are brought to an end by women, mainly because they are bored.

!
What world do you live in ?
I had a year long vacation in a european country . Plenty of old couples walking hand in hand in sea beach. Knew one old granny whose husband was in wheelchair since he was 50 something. In their 80s they're still going strong.
In asian countries, women initiate divorce only when the husband is abusive, cheating, a criminal etc.

80% marriage leads to divorce because women are bored ??!!

 

[goodsonformom]

Each couple is unique in what works for them. However, we tend to find that couples with lots of rules often involve one partner or both trying to control the other in order to avoid jealousy or ensure equal outcomes. In the long run I don't think this really works. So, for each rule I ask what is its purpose?

So to your points:

1. Presumably the point is safe sex. I may choose to use a condom most or all of the time because I deem it to be prudent, but I am perfectly capable of making decisions without a rigid rule imposed upon me. Suppose I have sex with a man who has had a vasectomy, was recently widowed and never had sex with another woman besides his deceased wife. I consider that for me I am comfortable not compelling him to use a condom.
2. Perhaps a good idea. But as a grown ass woman I'm perfectly capable of deciding when to get a check up. If my husband has concerns he can even ask me to get a check up. What I won't have is a situation in which he has the right to demand it of me and put me in the position of being wrong if I should disagree. If he is so concerned that he wants to abstain from sex with me until I get tested that is his prerogative. But when I take my body to the doctor is my prerogative.
3. Emotional attachment will develop. Count on it. Saying don't develop a connection is liking saying don't be angry or don't be sad - these are involuntary responses. And for me I want that with my lovers. Meaningless physical only sex is not what I desire. The key is to understand that having such a connection is not the same as love. I need my husband to see my relationships with my lovers as being somewhat akin to my relationship with my friends in that they don't take away from him. And as long as that balance is maintained I don't want him meddling. If comfort with this lifestyle is contingent upon never accidentally having a connection with a lover, it simply won't work for us.
4. See #3. No overnight stay is just a prescriptive attempt to limit personal connection. It is just a matter of time until someone violates the rule or comes to resent it.
5. This one I can see. Nobody should ever want to hurt or degrade another person. Just don't confuse that with the psychological BDSM that many people enjoy.

Another perspective I often suggest people think about is that of a mature single woman dating. When it comes to things like her safety and well being, does she need a male relative monitoring her movements or imposing rules on her. Absolutely not. She is able to make the decisions the she deems appropriate without oversight. That is not a perfectly analogous perspective because obviously there are other factors at play in a marital relationship. It is just a useful filter through which to look at some of the rules people seek to put in place.

In theory, I agree with most if not all of your points, but in real life, people are not perfect and rules are meant to be broken in many cases. I only have my own experiences to reflect on. I believe there must be boundaries and they should not only be respected but both parties should delight in them...after all, they are a couple first. When my wife and I first entertained the idea of adding another person to our sexual relationship it was a fantasy and then it happened. We should have seen when my wife shared her girlfriends with me where the pitfalls were and how to eliminate and avoid them when we added another male into our relationship. We did not. The issues of jealousy and envy that presented themselves in my relationship with her girlfriends, became a launching place for my spouse to "pay me back" for her pain. I believe for a committed relationship to work successfully in either a Cuckquean or Cuckolding relationship the husband and wife have to remain committed to their relationship first. Obviously, my wife after being the one to push her girlfriends on me and into our relationship had second thoughts about what we did, as well as her feelings for me. As you said..."It's just a matter of time until someone violates the rule or comes to resent it."...but again as you stated so well..."Nobody should ever want to hurt or degrade the other person." If the goal is to have an open relationship and expanded sexual freedoms and not maintaining your marriage properly, then maybe marriage is no longer suitable for either party involved.

 

[policywank]

The word "rules" , I think , to those whose mother tongue is English , means "something one has to obey and breaking which leads to consequences". Strict law type thing.

I agree with your explanations.

But to me and people in my country "rule" is a rule , there are rules. So we don't take rules seriously. People in power break rules 24/7.
So when I say rules, it is less about being strict hard and fast code of conduct and more about "a guideline which can be changed based on communication".

I am not blaming you or anything. Just that, it feels like a communication gap.

Another thing.
That is "compromise".

well, some couples believe compromise is healthy as long as it is comfortable , doesn't cross boundaries.
For example: My mom prefers my dad invites his friends ( with / without family) to our home only on weekends. So even if dad wants to just chill on Friday, he doesn't mind, agrees with mum and invites friends on Friday , after all, its just one friday of the year.

But if my mum was like "don't talk with your sister, she doesn't say nice things about me" Which is true. But mum never actually said that to dad and even if she did I'm sure dad'll agree and still continue maintaining relationship with his sister.

I think "compromise" in right circumstances, can be healthy.

In theory, I agree with most if not all of your points, but in real life, people are not perfect and rules are meant to be broken in many cases. I only have my own experiences to reflect on. I believe there must be boundaries and they should not only be respected but both parties should delight in them...after all, they are a couple first. When my wife and I first entertained the idea of adding another person to our sexual relationship it was a fantasy and then it happened. We should have seen when my wife shared her girlfriends with me where the pitfalls were and how to eliminate and avoid them when we added another male into our relationship. We did not. The issues of jealousy and envy that presented themselves in my relationship with her girlfriends, became a launching place for my spouse to "pay me back" for her pain. I believe for a committed relationship to work successfully in either a Cuckquean or Cuckolding relationship the husband and wife have to remain committed to their relationship first. Obviously, my wife after being the one to push her girlfriends on me and into our relationship had second thoughts about what we did, as well as her feelings for me. As you said..."It's just a matter of time until someone violates the rule or comes to resent it."...but again as you stated so well..."Nobody should ever want to hurt or degrade the other person." If the goal is to have an open relationship and expanded sexual freedoms and not maintaining your marriage properly, then maybe marriage is no longer suitable for either party involved.

I think that both of your responses are consistent with my thinking. I can't speak to the cultural differences, but yes I would say that in North America the default assumption is that rules are fairly rigid. Even if they are sometimes made to be broken, when they are that is deemed as a clear violation which may lead to issues of trust, retribution, etc. As a result they are often seen as unduly controlling. For instance, my comment on condoms. By all means dictate that we engage in safe sex, just don't micro manage how I do it.

But there absolutely needs to be guidelines and parameters. And in my mind the standard for those things is in many ways higher than simply rules. We each need to be thoughtful and pro-active with how our actions will affect our partner. And we need to understand how they feel on a level that is deeper and more nuanced than a set of do's and don'ts. That understanding also needs to grow with us and recognize the dynamics of circumstance. For instance, if a guy ticks all the boxes in terms of what is permitted but I know that he rubs my husband the wrong way - for whatever reason - I need to take that into account. It isn't ok for me to fuck him then just say oh well it wasn't against the rules. Likewise even if sleepovers are allowed I need to be sensitive to the reality that sometimes my husband needs me to come home.

Rules also cut both ways. In my vernacular where they are rigid we can see how that might impose an unintended constraint. But like my example above it might also lead to me to think it is ok to do something even though it might hurt my husband. I seek to take on responsibility to conduct myself in a way that works for us and supports our marriage. If I do something that violates that (because none of is perfect) there should be no deflection because there was no rule against what I did or minimizing of his feelings be cause I didn't mean to hurt them. It is up to me to not let it happen in the first place, and when it does make amends without excuse or reservation.

 

[goodsonformom]

I think that both of your responses are consistent with my thinking. I can't speak to the cultural differences, but yes I would say that in North America the default assumption is that rules are fairly rigid. Even if they are sometimes made to be broken, when they are that is deemed as a clear violation which may lead to issues of trust, retribution, etc. As a result they are often seen as unduly controlling. For instance, my comment on condoms. By all means dictate that we engage in safe sex, just don't micro manage how I do it.

But there absolutely needs to be guidelines and parameters. And in my mind the standard for those things is in many ways higher than simply rules. We each need to be thoughtful and pro-active with how our actions will affect our partner. And we need to understand how they feel on a level that is deeper and more nuanced than a set of do's and don'ts. That understanding also needs to grow with us and recognize the dynamics of circumstance. For instance, if a guy ticks all the boxes in terms of what is permitted but I know that he rubs my husband the wrong way - for whatever reason - I need to take that into account. It isn't ok for me to fuck him then just say oh well it wasn't against the rules. Likewise even if sleepovers are allowed I need to be sensitive to the reality that sometimes my husband needs me to come home.

Rules also cut both ways. In my vernacular where they are rigid we can see how that might impose an unintended constraint. But like my example above it might also lead to me to think it is ok to do something even though it might hurt my husband. I seek to take on responsibility to conduct myself in a way that works for us and supports our marriage. If I do something that violates that (because none of is perfect) there should be no deflection because there was no rule against what I did or minimizing of his feelings be cause I didn't mean to hurt them. It is up to me to not let it happen in the first place, and when it does make amends without excuse or reservation.

Yes, I agree. Your last sentence is it, all of it..."It is up to me to not let it happen in the first place, and when it does make amends without excuse or reservation."

 

[dawnonyou]

I lived the lifestyle and what's the expression? Fuck around and find out? Seems oddly fitting! I've long had cuckold fantasies. Eventually my ex wife and I started to live the lifestyle. It came to an end when she left me for her bull/fwb.

I'll be honest, if we were not in the lifestyle, I believe she would have cheated anyway. She told me as much. So while not fair to say the lifestyle made our marriage fail, I'm sure it didn't help.

I noticed over years many guys talking about the lifestyle are divorced. Got me thinking. Even if it isn't the direct cause of a relationship ending, is the simple fact a couple agrees to do it a sign the relationship is likely doomed? I know there are people who stay happily married for decades. However, for the vast majority of people, is it basically a sign of not if but when?

I'm interested to hear the experiences of other current or former cuckolds and hotwives.

I'm probably personally done with being a cuckold in real life at this point. I'll probably continue writing erotica on the subject and use that as an outlet, but any future relationships will most likely remain monogamous for me.

I think most cuckhold marriages will fail because there really can be no love or respect for a cuck. Very different from a hotwife or open marriage but most people group them together. Of course attempts at monogamy in marriage also fail at a rate of over 50 percent. So, staying together takes work either way. But most divorces are due to "cheating" and if the marriage is open and everyone plays buy the rules then there is no such thing as cheating.