Ask a Dom

[astarfallaway]

Questions and Concerns from a Newbie


I've been terribly curious about the BDSM lifestyle, but have not really had the opportunity to try it. My problem is that I tend to be a very dominant person just in life style and personality. And, if I didn't wrestle constantly with my self-esteem issues from deep-seated and long-standing past issues of an abusive family, I could see myself as a domme. Though, honestly, I don't want to just leap in that way because an inexperienced domme, I know, can be a dangerous thing. It can be easy to hurt someone especially if you're inexperience and the person you're with really wants you to take it to a high level... that you may not be knowledgeable or comfortable enough to do. I can see it ending in disaster.

So I thought maybe it would be a good idea to start as a sub, which I can also see myself. (I can feel it inside myself that I can be either dominant or submissive and it really depends on who I'm with. I'll be whatever they need me to be.) But I was wondering if maybe it would be a good idea to start off experimenting as a sub with a more experienced domme.

So I have a FEW questions, I hope someone can help me with.

1) Where can I find a dom? Yes, easier said than done because I live in the boondocks of South Carolina, an area that isn't accepting of the taboo as it is. But I was wondering if the best places to find them are online or at conventions or something like that.

2) Are there any warning signs I should be aware of that a dom could be like, I dunno, wrong, hurtful, abusive, or just plain careless? Are there ways to tell before getting myself into a situation that I can't escape? (I'm an incredibly cautious person and I'd really like to trust someone before letting them, say, tie me up where I wouldn't be able to resist if they tried to rape me and I suddenly decided I WASN'T comfortable with them.)

3) How do you go about establishing trust in that sort of relationship? Is it through trial and error?

4) Where would be the best places, free or cheap ideally as I'm pretty poor right now, to find resources on this sort of lifestyle. I've been doing as much research and reading up as possible for a couple of years now. But I'd like to hear from you guys what are the best sources of information.

Thanks so much in advance to anyone who helps!

 

[DVS]

I've been terribly curious about the BDSM lifestyle, but have not really had the opportunity to try it. My problem is that I tend to be a very dominant person just in life style and personality. And, if I didn't wrestle constantly with my self-esteem issues from deep-seated and long-standing past issues of an abusive family, I could see myself as a domme. Though, honestly, I don't want to just leap in that way because an inexperienced domme, I know, can be a dangerous thing. It can be easy to hurt someone especially if you're inexperience and the person you're with really wants you to take it to a high level... that you may not be knowledgeable or comfortable enough to do. I can see it ending in disaster.

So I thought maybe it would be a good idea to start as a sub, which I can also see myself. (I can feel it inside myself that I can be either dominant or submissive and it really depends on who I'm with. I'll be whatever they need me to be.) But I was wondering if maybe it would be a good idea to start off experimenting as a sub with a more experienced domme.

So I have a FEW questions, I hope someone can help me with.

1) Where can I find a dom? Yes, easier said than done because I live in the boondocks of South Carolina, an area that isn't accepting of the taboo as it is. But I was wondering if the best places to find them are online or at conventions or something like that.

First off, just to make a point, it sounds like you might be a switch, not a sub or a Dom. But, you probably will always have a preference, even if you do enjoy both roles.

Boondocks? Sound rather remote, so I hope you enjoy driving. The best way to get to know people like us is to get on the Internet and search for Munches in your area. A munch is just a term used for a casual get together of like minded people for an afternoon picnic or evening dinner. It's just a social gathering to get to know people of your area and eventually maybe you can find someone who you have a match with.

If nothing else, you get to know others in your area, and maybe through these connections, you can find something that works for you. I grew up in a very small town. I wouldn't consider it the boondocks, but it was close enough that I had a difficult time of it, as a kid. I understand your remoteness and your lack of many prospects to pick a partner, let alone one into BDSM. Check out the munch scene in your area. It might be beneficial.

2) Are there any warning signs I should be aware of that a dom could be like, I dunno, wrong, hurtful, abusive, or just plain careless? Are there ways to tell before getting myself into a situation that I can't escape? (I'm an incredibly cautious person and I'd really like to trust someone before letting them, say, tie me up where I wouldn't be able to resist if they tried to rape me and I suddenly decided I WASN'T comfortable with them.)

Our library is quite good at this sort of thing. You are far from the first person to ask, need, wish they had asked about such warning signs. Of course, you need to be aware of any stranger, these days. It's quite sad, but you just never know what someone has in mind, until you can trust them. So, there are some very good ways to keep safe, until you can trust someone, and they are in the library (see link I've added below). It's all alphabetical, and in post form, in people's own words.

3) How do you go about establishing trust in that sort of relationship? Is it through trial and error?

Ah, once again, the library is the saviour. While there's no set way to do this, because everybody is different, at least you can get an idea of what to look for in a person. Because there are a lot of creeps out there trying to take advantage of someone who isn't savvy to how it should be or can be, it's necessary to know who can be lucking around the corner.

Something as simple as how they might react, if you ask them to wait until you trust them. An honest person, with nothing to hide and knows you are worth the wait won't have a problem waiting. If you get the brush off because you say the trust word, it wasn't going to happen anyway...so no great loss.

Know who is ultimately in charge in any D/s or BDSM relationship or scene. The submissive is not a rug to walk on, or just a sex toy to use, or a play thing to be tossed aside or beat down when the urge comes up.

Sure, some of the above can be sexy and fun for play, but only after it's negociated by the two of you and decided. Of course, any negociations come after the trust is there, so you know the negociations are sincere.

Some people enjoy play rape or at least rough sex play. That can get pretty rough, if the two involved agree to it. But it is never out of control. It should always be controlled, unlike the real thing. More trust and more negociations.

The library has thoughts on this subject, and you'll find many interesting things of interest there. Being new, you will find that a lot of it will be very beneficial.

4) Where would be the best places, free or cheap ideally as I'm pretty poor right now, to find resources on this sort of lifestyle. I've been doing as much research and reading up as possible for a couple of years now. But I'd like to hear from you guys what are the best sources of information.

Thanks so much in advance to anyone who helps!

OK, once again, the library is good for this. See, the library is made up of forum threads. They are catagorized into subject matter and alphabetic order by our lovely librarian, to make it easy to find what you're looking for.

In some cases, you might need to look around some to find what you need, but in your looking, you will probably find something else of interest, too.

If you don't find any of these things you are looking for, all you need to do is post again, and I'm sure someone will come to your rescue. Maybe even our lovely librarian will show up.

I must say, our present librarian has certainly spiffed up the library. Even you regulars should check this out. Woo Hoo!

The BDSM Talk Library

 

[Homburg]

Excellent post, DVS.

 

[sexycaz22]

Excellent post, DVS.

And I agree!

 

[LadyAria]

Wonderful post, DVS.

The library is a wonderful place for this material. Also, many of the answers to these questions are already in this thread. I believe we've had the warning sign post before.

Either way, astarfallaway, send me a private message. I'd be happy to talk to you one on one. There are many people closer then you think.

 

[astarfallaway]

[/COLOR]

First off, just to make a point, it sounds like you might be a switch, not a sub or a Dom. But, you probably will always have a preference, even if you do enjoy both roles.

Boondocks? Sound rather remote, so I hope you enjoy driving. The best way to get to know people like us is to get on the Internet and search for Munches in your area. A munch is just a term used for a casual get together of like minded people for an afternoon picnic or evening dinner. It's just a social gathering to get to know people of your area and eventually maybe you can find someone who you have a match with.

If nothing else, you get to know others in your area, and maybe through these connections, you can find something that works for you. I grew up in a very small town. I wouldn't consider it the boondocks, but it was close enough that I had a difficult time of it, as a kid. I understand your remoteness and your lack of many prospects to pick a partner, let alone one into BDSM. Check out the munch scene in your area. It might be beneficial.



Our library is quite good at this sort of thing. You are far from the first person to ask, need, wish they had asked about such warning signs. Of course, you need to be aware of any stranger, these days. It's quite sad, but you just never know what someone has in mind, until you can trust them. So, there are some very good ways to keep safe, until you can trust someone, and they are in the library (see link I've added below). It's all alphabetical, and in post form, in people's own words.



Ah, once again, the library is the saviour. While there's no set way to do this, because everybody is different, at least you can get an idea of what to look for in a person. Because there are a lot of creeps out there trying to take advantage of someone who isn't savvy to how it should be or can be, it's necessary to know who can be lucking around the corner.

Something as simple as how they might react, if you ask them to wait until you trust them. An honest person, with nothing to hide and knows you are worth the wait won't have a problem waiting. If you get the brush off because you say the trust word, it wasn't going to happen anyway...so no great loss.

Know who is ultimately in charge in any D/s or BDSM relationship or scene. The submissive is not a rug to walk on, or just a sex toy to use, or a play thing to be tossed aside or beat down when the urge comes up.

Sure, some of the above can be sexy and fun for play, but only after it's negociated by the two of you and decided. Of course, any negociations come after the trust is there, so you know the negociations are sincere.

Some people enjoy play rape or at least rough sex play. That can get pretty rough, if the two involved agree to it. But it is never out of control. It should always be controlled, unlike the real thing. More trust and more negociations.

The library has thoughts on this subject, and you'll find many interesting things of interest there. Being new, you will find that a lot of it will be very beneficial.

OK, once again, the library is good for this. See, the library is made up of forum threads. They are catagorized into subject matter and alphabetic order by our lovely librarian, to make it easy to find what you're looking for.

In some cases, you might need to look around some to find what you need, but in your looking, you will probably find something else of interest, too.

If you don't find any of these things you are looking for, all you need to do is post again, and I'm sure someone will come to your rescue. Maybe even our lovely librarian will show up.

I must say, our present librarian has certainly spiffed up the library. Even you regulars should check this out. Woo Hoo!

The BDSM Talk Library

Thank you so much for spending the time and effort writing this to help me out! I shall definitely check out the library.

The thing is, I really do feel like this sort of lifestyle is where I belong. So, as you said, finding people in a small area can be very frustrating. Especially in the religiously conservative south. But I've always been terribly attracted to and comfortable with a lot of the stuff I have learned about BDSM. If someone suggested they'd take me to a BDSM convention you'd see me light up like a kid promised an all-day visit to Toys R Us! lol It'd be like Disney World! (Whoa, linking Disney World and BDSM is interesting. )

But yeah, I do feel this is where I belong. I just don't know how to go about getting my feet wet, y'know? But thanks everyone so far for being so very supportive and helpful! It means a lot 'cause sometimes people on the internet can be very counterproductive and tear down your ego rather than spend their time saying constructive things. So thanks again! I'm starting to believe that maybe it won't be such a daunting prospect, after all!

 

[faeriefire]

Wasn't there a kinky Disneyland thread somewhere? Hi astar. Nice post DVS I'm pretty new here too, and would say the library is a great resource. As for finding people in SC, you might be surprised how many there are. I think there's a SC thread, 'Carolina Directory' or something like that. In my head all the action is in SC and GA because many of the folks I've met on lit are from the south. Good luck to you as you explore.

 

[DVS]

I know the library probably has its own links, but probably not South Carolina specific. I just googled "South Carolina BDSM munch" and these came up.

I'm sure some of the below links are the same, but there are several from the South Carolina area. I'm sure there are even some Lit people who are members of one or two of these groups. So, you might have some assistance with getting through the red tape or finding which group might be closest to you.

Take your time with this. Don't jump into the fire, just beause you are giddy about it. Impulse moves can often be the wrong move. Put some thought into this and make your choices wisely. I'm sure some groups might be better than others, too. Not all munch groups are created equal. Buyer be ware in all things.

OK, that's the end of my disclaimer. Now go out there and find yourself a munch group.

http://myrtlebeachkink.com/resources/south-carolina-groups/

http://www.carolinabdsm.com/

http://domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&state=SOUTH+CAROLINA&view_records=View+Records&ww=on

 

[Stegral]

How can a new Dominant push past their own imposed limits?
How does one not "into" percussion play learn to enjoy doing it?
How does a Dominant learn to go where they aren't really comfy?
Where is the lightbulb to shine & show me how to do this guilt free???

 

[FurryFury]

How can a new Dominant push past their own imposed limits?
How does one not "into" percussion play learn to enjoy doing it?
How does a Dominant learn to go where they aren't really comfy?
Where is the lightbulb to shine & show me how to do this guilt free???

Why do you need to push past your limits? I thought part of being a Dom was to do things YOUR way?

 

[Stegral]

Why do you need to push past your limits? I thought part of being a Dom was to do things YOUR way?

Because as a switch I am wary of causing pain even though the subbie that has shown interest in me craves it. I KNOW my limits are extremely low (to the point of being laughable) & need to know how to push MYSELF beyond that comfort-zone & explore... I think to find someone at my level, honestly it would be a kinky b/f & I want to be more.. I just don't know how...

(((FF)))

Steg.

 

[FurryFury]

Because as a switch I am wary of causing pain even though the subbie that has shown interest in me craves it. I KNOW my limits are extremely low (to the point of being laughable) & need to know how to push MYSELF beyond that comfort-zone & explore... I think to find someone at my level, honestly it would be a kinky b/f & I want to be more.. I just don't know how...

(((FF)))

Steg.

*HUGS back*

I hope things turn out well as you push.

 

[kayte]

I am so happy to see this thread active again and all of the wonderful advice being offered.

 

[astarfallaway]

Thanks, DVS! These links were very helpful! I found some information on stuff in my area. Greenville isn't where I live, but it's close enough that I can get there for events and not have to plan for overnight stays or anything, nor go too far out of my way for gas and travel. So that'll be good. Key-SC is based in Greenville, and so is the SC-Lock page. So that's two. Key-SC actually sounds inviting by their webpage. They have get togethers for Noobs. lol Helpful.

And don't worry about me. I'm very careful. I'm a cautious person and I try not to put myself into stupid situations. Sometimes they just find me, but I try to be careful. I'm never the sort to let emotion get the better of me or to rush into things without looking where it's going. (I joke about how in my past life I was Spock. Ha ha. XD ) But, yeah, I tend to be careful and cautious and take things slowly if I don't really know what's going on. But thanks very much for expressing concern and putting the disclaimer up!!

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Imo

How can a new Dominant push past their own imposed limits?

As a Dom you shouldn't have to. You're in control so if it is a limit then just as you would respect a sub's limit then the sub should respect yours even more so because you are in control.

How does one not "into" percussion play learn to enjoy doing it?

I've never tried percussion play but all I will say is that if you are not "into" it, then you probably aren't going to enjoy it.

How does a Dominant learn to go where they aren't really comfy?

Again you are in control so you should never go where you or the sub aren't comfortable.

Where is the lightbulb to shine & show me how to do this guilt free???

IMO if you have to ask these questions then you should really look at if being a Dom is something you really want to do or are even capable of doing.

If you aren't going to enjoy it then there is no way a sub will enjoy it.

Hopefully I helped a little. Good luck.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Because as a switch I am wary of causing pain even though the subbie that has shown interest in me craves it. I KNOW my limits are extremely low (to the point of being laughable) & need to know how to push MYSELF beyond that comfort-zone & explore... I think to find someone at my level, honestly it would be a kinky b/f & I want to be more.. I just don't know how...

(((FF)))

Steg.

There is a difference between exploring and pushing past your comfort zone. If it is something you have never tried before then by all means push yourself to try it, but if it is something you know you do not or can not enjoy doing then you should not push past that limit.

Again if you aren't going to enjoy it, then there is no way the sub will enjoy it. Plus you don't want it to be a bad experience for yourself. You may ruin future experiences as a Dom or even turn you off to the idea of Domming when in fact it could be something you enjoy doing. You don't want to bury those Dominant feelings because of a bad experience.

Just make sure to think things out before hand. Good luck.

 

[Stegral]

There is a difference between exploring and pushing past your comfort zone. If it is something you have never tried before then by all means push yourself to try it, but if it is something you know you do not or can not enjoy doing then you should not push past that limit.

Again if you aren't going to enjoy it, then there is no way the sub will enjoy it. Plus you don't want it to be a bad experience for yourself. You may ruin future experiences as a Dom or even turn you off to the idea of Domming when in fact it could be something you enjoy doing. You don't want to bury those Dominant feelings because of a bad experience.

Just make sure to think things out before hand. Good luck.

Thanks
I actually spoke face to face with him extensively today & we have agreed we will be friends & let the other know if we stumble across a desirerable for the other. he needs intensity, I need intimacy.
I dipped my feet in because so many in my play group "see it in me" but I am not..
I think I do what people want & I end up getting hurt somehow...

we were both honest with each other & stayed friends so it is good

 

[LadyAria]

How can a new Dominant push past their own imposed limits?

I think limits are like anything in life. They grow with you. As your courage and confidence build, you will feel more comfortable to push into new areas. There is nothing wrong with having low limits as a new Dominant. It is a lot less dangerous then some who cowboy up the first time and go further then they can handle. Preparation and practice in seminars and classes can help build the confidence and interest before straight partner play. Take it easy and go at your own speed. Comparing your limits with someone else's is a fool's game. It's all about pleasure. If you don't enjoy it, then keep that limit.

How does one not "into" percussion play learn to enjoy doing it?

Not much of a Sadist are you? Ha. Is it the potential for harm? Is it the snap of the skin? What about it specifically makes you not enjoy it? Explore the thought and you might find your personal answer.

Personally, I know quite a few people who needed to find the art in their style. Read, take classes, socialize with other Dominants, practice and enjoy. Learn where to hit and how for effect. Knowing exactly what you are doing improves the experience. A good example who be Florentine flogging. It is both beautiful to watch and to feel. I find it to be good upper arm exercise practicing different patterns.

The inherit Sadist is natural just going to love cp. If that isn't you kink and you do not enjoy it, there is always the choice of leaving it be. There will be some subs who want Domme-lit.

How does a Dominant learn to go where they aren't really comfy?

Never go were you are uncomfortable if you are taking someone with you. As a Dominant, you need to get comfortable before you take your sub there. Again, read, take classes, socialize with other Dominants, practice and enjoy. If I am trying something new, I will often do it with a third who has more experience or at small socials where others will help.

Where is the lightbulb to shine & show me how to do this guilt free???

Why is there guilt in a consensual act? I'm not clear on this question. Give me more and I will try to answer.

 

[LadyAria]

I am so happy to see this thread active again and all of the wonderful advice being offered.

I am glad to see your toes wiggling back into the thread.

{{{Kayte}}}

 

[BiBunny]

Stegral, if you're having that much trouble and struggling with it that much, I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that you may not be a switch or that Topping may not be for you. It should be something you truly enjoy, not something you do because somebody else wants you to.

 

[Stegral]

Stegral, if you're having that much trouble and struggling with it that much, I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that you may not be a switch or that Topping may not be for you. It should be something you truly enjoy, not something you do because somebody else wants you to.

yep.. Bi I agree..
it was the last PM I sent off that made me realize the end line was sooo true...

I think I am gonna go back to being a curious nilla...
I don't think any Dom would want such a wussy subbie...

Thanks all for helping me through this.

 

[kayte]

I am glad to see your toes wiggling back into the thread.

{{{Kayte}}}

{{{{Lady Aria}}}}} :rose;

Thank you Ma'am. I did pass your greetings on to my Sir. He passes His back but right now he is so busy I don't believe he is even visiting Lit these days.

Hope you had a Happy Easter.

 

[PatchIsMe]

hi there ! Sometimes I like to be totally used for my husbands pleasure. I will take something to make me to the edge of sleepiness like simply sleep or tylenol pm . My question is this type of "drugging" ever an element in BDSM play?

 

[DVS]

hi there ! Sometimes I like to be totally used for my husbands pleasure. I will take something to make me to the edge of sleepiness like simply sleep or tylenol pm . My question is this type of "drugging" ever an element in BDSM play?

When you say play, I'm assuming you mean that both parties are aware of it, as you and your husband are. Of that, I don't know, but it seems kind of sexy to me...almost like bondage, in a way. But, I also like to force my way (in a play situation) on a sub, taking charge and tying her up.

Now, I'm sure there are drugs used in a real situation, like a rape, etc. but we don't consider that BDSM play. But, this does make me think of this as an option for play. Now, do you just not fight back because you are sleepy, or do you actually go out? And if you go out, does your husband then tie you up and wait for you to wake up before he begins to have his way with you?

I don't think I could do this, unless I waited for the sub to wake up. I like to experience her reactions to what I do. That's a lot of the fun in it for me.

And, to use a sleeping sub's body just seems too close to necrophilia to me. Did I spell that correctly?

 

[PatchIsMe]

Now, do you just not fight back because you are sleepy, or do you actually go out? And if you go out, does your husband then tie you up and wait for you to wake up before he begins to have his way with you?

I don't fight back at all more because of the frame of mind I am in ! I have never actually fallen asleep. I am usually too excited with anticipation. Talking about it turns me on..... to be at his mercy ...